


Paper Cranes

by ClaraZorEl



Category: Supergirl (Comics), Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex is heartbroken, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Chronic Pain, Danvers Sisters, Depression, F/F, Fake Science, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Krypto - Freeform, Made up kryptonian history, Mental Health Issues, Past Sanvers, Red Kryptonite, Streaky, Suicidal Thoughts, SuperCorp, The DEO knows Kara Danvers is Supergirl, There is an armchair in this that makes a surprising amount of appearances, kryptonite poisoning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2019-10-02 23:08:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 121,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17272895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaraZorEl/pseuds/ClaraZorEl
Summary: Supergirl has fallen.What if after the redK incident, Supergirl never had the chance to redeem herself ? Forced to live as a human again, she moves back to Midvale.What if after Lex Luthor had gone bananas in Metropolis, Lena chose to flee and started a life for herself on the other side of the country, let's say, in Midvale ?And so Kara and Lena meet in this little coastal city where they have no choice but to cary their secrets alone and try not to fall in love.





	1. Prologue : If I go crazy will you still call me Supergirl ?

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER : This is a work of fanfiction. It is not intended to infringe on any rights by and of the companies and/or individuals involved in the production of any series mentioned here. The idea however is mine, and mine only.
> 
> I have this outlined as : "Supers get outlawed The Incredible style" and that's as far as I went. From this story you can expect : angst ! Danvers sisters ! Supercorp ! No particular update schedule ! Sounds fun ? Let me know in the comments and subscribe !  
> I'll update tags as I go, but I can promise no main character death and a happy ending.
> 
> TW : I have rated this M as it starts in a pretty gruesome way, be warned

    Supergirl awakes to blinding pain. It feels like her skin is being seared off her bones. Like nails are running through her blood. Her vision is filled with intense greenness ; and her hearing blocked out by deafening screams. Her own, she realizes after a while. Somehow, through the pain, she manages to focus on a familiar heartbeat, now wild and twisted, and a familiar voice, muffled through strangled sobs : “I'm sorry Kara. I'm so so sorry.”  
  
    When Kara wakes up again, the pain is more localized, around her wrists and ankles. Kryptonite shackles. She's laying on the ground of a small room, lined with lead, she finds out after trying to extend her vision passed the walls. A strong smell of vomit, blood and urine churns up her stomach and Kara scrambles to get upright before throwing up sickenly green bile. A comforting hand comes resting on her back, and the voice, that finally registers as her sister's, Alex, repeats its previous words : “I'm sorry Kara. I'm so so sorry.”  
  
    Sorry ? What for ?  
  
    For the next few hours, Kara struggles in and out of consciousness, her mind periodically assaulted by memories of what happened, the foreign black suit she's sporting a painful reminder of what her mind is trying to put together. Alex remains by her side, holding her through fits of wracking sobs, seemingly not minding getting herself covered in her sister's pee, blood and puke. She tells her about the Red Kryptonite, Maxwell Lord, and about how non of this is her fault. If non of this is her fault, then why is she being detained ? Alex carefully avoids the subject every time Kara confusedly broaches it.   
  
    Kara has lost track of time, but she knows a significant amount of hours, if not days, must have passed when DEO agents finally come to get her out of her cell. By know, she's starting to get use to the burning of the kryptonite restraints, and has a feeling that they're going to be a permanent fixture in her life for what could be a very long time. On her way to the shower, heavily guarded, she tries asking questions, she recognizes agents Vasquez and Demos among the people watching over her, but they are ignoring her. From the corner of her eye she thinks she sees Vasquez's lips quivering when she pleads for some answers, but the agent remains as stoic as ever. After showering and being offered some DEO sweats to change out of her dark suit, Supergirl is led to a different cell, cleaner, but with a wall entirely made of glass that annihilate the very idea of privacy.  Alex is not allowed in with her.   
  
    The artificial lights that recreate the cycle of a day help Kara with acknowledging the passage of time again. She's fed thrice a day, in the morning, around what she supposes is noon, and at night. Four light cycle pass this way, with no visitor except for the guards bringing her food and letting her out of her cell for bathroom breaks. Alex doesn't come. During this time, Kara is left with a lot of room to ponder about what happened, what is happening and what is going to happen. What happened is pretty clear in her mind. She's been exposed to what Alex called Red Kryptonite, Lord's half failed attempt at creating synthetic kryptonite. She's been locked in her own head and forced to see her darker side take the forefront of her body and act on every single bad thought that ever crossed her mind, destroying the people's trust in their hero. The weight of the knowledge that she has the potential to be this heinous is suffocating and when she can't bear thinking about it anymore, she wills her mind to focus on the present, on what is happening now. Clearly, she's being held in a cell and that has to do with the sheer potential of destruction she exhibited, people are afraid of her. That is what's happening now, people are scared of what she can do. Which leads her to what is going to happen, and that, she doesn't know.   
  
    On the fifth light cycle, things change. When the door opens for the first time on that day, instead of a guard bringing her a poor attempt at breakfast, dozens of aliens are shoveled inside the holding unite, and are led to cells similar to her own. Among them, is J'onn, not director J'onnz, but Martian Manhunter, as a prisoner. That's when Kara realizes that this is about way more than just Red Kryptonite. 


	2. You are hereby sentenced to a regular life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we finally learn a bit more about Kara's current situation and what it entails and I use the word "outlaw" one time too many

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't let me fool you into quick updates, I had this chapter half written when I posted the prologue ^^  
> I suck at editing and english isn't my mothertongue so there might be some mistakes here and there

    When she was still a child, Kara Zor-El used to find comfort in the fact that the general outlines of her life were already set and well in place. Born to Alura In-Ze and Zor-El, she was a key member of the higher part of society ; and with a mind among the greatest, she was destined to grandeur, at only thirteen cycles, she was well on her way to become the youngest member of the Science Guild. These were facts that she knew for sure and these facts were helping shape her life. Kara Zor-El had been raised with the idea that she was greater than most because of her name, and greater than most of equal status because of her sharp mind ; when the time would come, she would be matched with a partner of equal status and wit and would continue on passing greatness onto the heirs of the House of El.  
  
    Then her planet blew up.  
  
    Her planet blew up and Kara Zor-El was stripped of her certainties. On Earth, the general outlines of her life were not really comforting. First, she crash landed in Siberia after twenty-four cycles (years, on Earth they are called years) in hypersleep. Then she was dropped off like an inconvenience on the other side of this nasty planet by her only living relative and asked to pretty please be perfectly normal, a difficult demand to meet when even amid her kind, she had been raised as anything but ordinary.  
  
    On Earth, Kara Danvers was left to find new facts to shape her life, new certainties to get her by. Here's what she knew, on this planet, she was an alien, and most human were terribly xenophobic, therefore she had to hide who she was. Which was another fact, while her humanoid body concealed her to the curious eye, her kryptonian biology metabolized this sun radiation differently and she had powers that she wasn’t allowed to use. Kal-El (Clark, on this planet he is called Clark) had said that by hiding them she was both protecting her new family and acting as his secret weapon. He never needed a secret weapon.  
  
    For thirteen years of her life, Kara had been singled out as a brilliant mind. And even when she had been shipped off Krypton at the last minute, she had been set apart by her fate, different than her people's. Here on Earth, it was blend in or die. But Kara was cocky and mad with grief. She was smart, and she wanted Earthlings to know it. She could fly, and she wanted to touch the sky. It costed them Jeremiah.  
  
    It costed them Jeremiah and Kara learnt to blend in. Standing in front of an empty casket and with the weight of yet another life on her shoulders, Kara had made the decision to blend in to protect whatever she had left. She wouldn't stand another loss.  
  
    What was Kara’s choice though, when preventing another loss meant exposing herself to the world ? What choice was there to make when her sister's life was at stake ? And even now, with knowledge of future events, she wouldn't do it any differently. She would catch that damn plane a million times if it meant that her sister, her one true link to a life on Earth, was safe.  
  
    Truth be told, she never had to regret her decision, being a hero was exhilarating ; having a purpose, saving lives, made her feel like she was somehow redeeming herself for being one of the few survivors of a lost world. And being Supergirl had the added bonus of giving her life a direction beside being "mild mannered assistant Kara Danvers" ; being Supergirl was setting her on a path to greatness, something she thought she had left behind on her dead planet. To Kara, being Supergirl was a way of being exceptional ; to Colonel Haley it was playing God.  
  
    These were not words that Kara would have liked to hear under any circumstances, regardless of her current predicament. Because, to a certain extent, they were true ; saving people, delivering justice and receiving adoration fort it placed her among Gods. Having been robbed of her future on Krypton, recognition was something she couldn’t help but crave. On some days, she would even bask in Earthling's adoration, selflessness was hard and she would rejoice in the fact of being praised. But during her time as Supergirl, she had tried so hard to go beyond it that having her nose rubbed in her shit right after falling from grace truly was adding insult to injury. Because more than falling from her Godlike position, more than being locked up in an uncomfortable cell, what Kara mourns is the loss of the people trust. She has the distinct feeling that if she were to go outside now, if she were to catch a little girl's balloon escaping from her feeble grasp, if she were to stop an out of control train or catch a helicopter spiraling to the ground, she would only inspire fear. The outlines of her life have once again been shattered.  
  
***  
  
    A loud bang startles Kara out of her winding thoughts as the door of her cell slides open. "Get up Supergirl, you’re being relocated."  
  
    "Where to ?", Kara asks, her voice hoarse from lack of use.  
  
    "To Midvale California" snarks one of the agents, "Director Haley will give you any necessary detail on the way."  
  
    "Midvale ? Director ?"  
  
    "Of course, we weren’t going to let one of you roaches in charge of this place."  
  
    The agent’s words feel like a punch to Kara’s guts. That’s what she is now, nothing more than pest.  
  
    The walk to J’onn’s former office, now Colonel Haley’s (no, Director Haley) feels like forever to Kara. Her joints hurt from kryptonite exposure and she’s convinced that her guards are taking the long route just to annoy her. Every step feels like torture. Once they reach the office, they forcefully sit her down and unnecessarily tighten her restraints. Colonel Haley, severe as ever, gazes at her with practiced indifference. She seems to be waiting for something and time stretches and stretches and stretches until finally the door opens again and Alex steps into the room. She looks tired, dark purple shadows heavily marking the underside of her eyes ; bruises can be seen on her right hand, hastily bandaged. Alex salutes Colonel Haley and sends a half apologetic half ashamed smile Kara's way before situating herself against the wall behind the director. Kara feels like she suddenly swallowed several heavy rocks. She has so many questions, but can’t bring herself to ask any. Her throat feels tight, her mouth is drier than Krypton’s desert. Her head is pounding so hard that she barely registers when Haley finally starts talking.  
  
    "I’m sure you have plenty of questions Miss Danvers", says the Colonel, "But I will ask you to save them until I’m done talking." Kara nods as Director Haley marks a pause. "As you surely know, your cousin's most recent brawl with Lex Luthor in Metropolis raised numerous questions regarding the predominance of superpowered beings on our planet. Your own recent mishap further deepened our rightful concerns. A task force was established and myself, as well as several other prominent figures of our nation, were tasked with creating new rules to ensure the safety of our people. Miss Danvers, you are being outlawed."  
  
    "Outlawed ?", Kara croaks out, "I’m being outlawed ?"  
  
    "Outlawed Miss Danvers. You as well as your fellow aliens and any metahumans, are, as of yesterday 10 a.m., outlaws. You are to submit yourself to this law, anyone trying to escape the legislation will be treated as a fugitive and chastised accordingly, from incarceration to death. In return, anyone who preventively asks will be offered the DEO assistance in incorporating themselves in society with power dampeners and constant monitoring, provided that their criminal record is empty. We are trying to prevent a hassle and nationwide panic." Colonel Haley leans forward on her elbows, determination dripping from her tone. "As for you Miss Danvers, you will be relocated to Midvale, Eliza Danvers agreed to take you in until we can find a more permanent solution. You will live a human life and will no longer be allowed to operate as Supergirl. The moment we suspect you're playing vigilante again, it's over for you. If you so much as step out of line, it's over for you. You happen to be the most powerful being on this planet and we will not take the threat you represent lightly. Your probation agent has brought to our attention the danger that kryptonite monitoring bracelets pose to your health. If you hold your part of the bargain and lay low, the DEO will work on a less painful solution."  
  
    "Probation agent ?" Kara croaks again.  
  
    "Yes probation agent Miss Danvers, we will not let you roam freely. Agent Danvers here will monitor and report your whereabouts."  
  
    "Agent Danvers ?"  
  
    "Yes Miss Danvers, your sister will serve as your probation agent. She made some rather convincing points."  
  
    Kara doesn’t know how to feel about this revelation. She doesn't know if she ought to be sad, angry, disappointed or distressed so her body decides to react to all of these emotions. Her kryptonite poisoning, bordering on deadly, collides with her feelings and her body collapses with exhaustion. The last thing she registers is her sister lurching toward her, her own ailing hands trying to bat her away.  
  
***  
  
    Kara is jolted awake when the chair she's sitting on makes a brief and sudden jump. Except she's no longer sitting in Director Haley's office. She finds herself strapped in a van with blackout windows, sandwiched between her sister and agent Vasquez. The agent in the driver's seat mumbles a "Sorry, pothole", and Kara has a feeling that not much more words have been exchanged during the time she was unconscious.  
  
    Sadness washes over her as she realizes that she’s already well on the way to Midvale, she didn’t even get to say goodbye. She wonders about her friends. Did Lyra managed to get out on time ? Is M’gann okay ? What about J’onn ? Surely he is in a precarious position, being the illegal former   director of an organization that now seeks to hunt people like him. And Livewire ? After all, Haley did said that metahumans too were outlaws, and Kara can’t help but worry about her old foe. And how did the DEO explained her absence from work ? What version of this story reached Winn and James ears ? What happened to Kal, did they got him too ? Is Lois okay ? Questions swirl in Kara's head and the more she thinks the more angry she feels. She should have had the chance to defend herself, she should have had the right to explain her side of the events !  
  
    Anger mixes with lassitude and with the added weight of the avalanche of informations dropped on her earlier, she feels herself rapidly drifting to sleep. She realizes then, that the pain of the kryptonite is less present in her body and that the shackles have been replaced with small glowing bracelets. The reprieve in her pain, now closer to mild discomfort than complete agony makes it that much easier for her to fall asleep. Yet, right before she closes her eyes again, a small thought starts to bloom at the back of her head  ; how did she not see such a thing coming ?  
  
    Kara awakes again when the car comes to a final stop in front of the house. She feels drowsy and dirty and the faint scent of sea salt that should be soothing makes her want to punch someone. The sight of Eliza waiting on the front porch, wrapped in an oversize cardigan that use to belong to Jeremiah, does nothing to comfort her. She doesn't know what would be worst, her foster mother being disappointed in her or her showering her in warmth and love like she always do ; both possibilities loom other her and Kara feels sick to the stomach.  
  
    Alex tries to help her out of the van but Kara shakily evades her touch and stumbles on the grass, taking her first breath of fresh air in weeks. Vasquez starts pulling boxes out of the back of the van and soon what’s left of Kara’s life in National City makes its way inside the house, labelled as "Books", "Clothes", "Art supplies" and "Bathroom". The whole process looks ridiculous ; the life of a superhero, packed away in cardboard boxes and shipped to Inconspicuous City, California.  
  
    Kara makes her way to follow the boxes into the house when she is stopped by a hand on her shoulder, it belongs to the agent that drove them here. Even with her power dampeners and the thin sheet of sweat that covers her face, he looks slightly intimidated by her. He does try to stand taller than he is and to make his voice deeper than it is but Kara is not impressed. "If your cousin tries to contact you, you are to inform the DEO immediately, we need to locate him as soon as possible, he is very likely to contact you and it’s in your best interest to…"  
      
    "That will be all Jensen", interrupts Alex and Kara is somewhat grateful but it doesn't alleviate her conflicted feelings toward her sister.  
  
    Kara doesn’t dignify him with an answer but files away the news of Kal disappearance for later as she shakes is hand off her shoulder to make her way in the house. But without so much as a warning shot, her foot goes through the wooden step as she fall forward and her hearing flares up.  
  
    A child crying on the beach.  
  
    The persistent drilling of a power tool somewhere down on Main Street.  
  
    Tires screeching on the motorway, miles away from here.  
  
    Kara cries out as her hands uselessly try to cover her ears. It feels like her first day on Earth all over again and she doesn’t understand, the kryptonite bracelets that eliminate her powers should make this impossible, she hasn’t shown any sign of strength or superhearing in weeks ! It's over as soon as it started and Kara is left shaking in her sister's arms, grateful for her presence in spite of the circumstances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand welcome to Midvale !  
> Leave a comment if you want to let me know what you thought of this chapter and don't forget to subscribe if you'd like to read more !


	3. Welcome to Midvale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We pick up where we left off last chapter. Kara struggles with her new reality and I use the word "feel" way too much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW : The first paragraph is quite bloody and the second depicts a panic attack. If you feel the need to skip them, you can start reading at : "It’s Streaky Junior, the house cat. "
> 
> It's late where I am and I suck at editing so there may be typos. Also, keep in mind that I'm French and I've never been anywhere near the US, all my knowledge comes from movies and tv shows and the visual representation of Midvale I have in my mind is based on absolutely nothing real (the last time I saw the sea I was in Calais, France. Google it, it doesn't look very californian ^^)

    After Alex and Agent Vasquez carry her to her old bedroom, Kara doesn’t move for several hours. She doesn’t sleep. She can’t. Everytime she closes her eyes she sees herself doing atrocious things. She drops lifeless bodies out of the sky, tears faceless corpses' throats with her bare teeth ; she gives up on closing her eyes after seeing her own hands rip Eliza’s heart out of her chest three times. She elects to stare right ahead instead, except that, cowered in a ball, her hands are right in her line of sight and the more she stares at them the more blood she sees. She gets up and washes them seven times before realising that they were clean in the first place.  
      
    Forced out of her torpor, Kara is now faced with two options : either going downstairs where she can hear agents Vasquez and Jensen briefing Eliza on the conditions of her semi liberty, which is ridiculous since Alex is to stay with her in Midvale ; or going back to her bedroom, alone with her disturbing thoughts. Neither of the two alternatives being appealing. Kara can feel the beginning of panic rising inside her, her breathing shallower and shallower with each intake. Impending dread creeps over her and she feels like something terrible is about to happen. Her heart is trying to pound its way out of her chest while her ribs are trying to crush her lungs and she feels so so cold. Suddenly, something brushes against her leg and she jumps out of the way, frantically looking around for an invisible attacker to fend off.  
  
    It’s Streaky Junior, the house cat.  
  
    The slender black feline waves her way around Kara's legs, intermittently bumping her small head on her calf, soliciting attention. When Kara finally picks her up and cradles her in her shaky arms, Streaky curls up against her out of control heart and starts purring. Kara brings all of her focus to scratching the cat’s head, her breathing slowly settling down. Holding Streaky is comforting, grounding, and Kara feels better than she has in weeks. Human and cat both settle on the bed and Kara feels ready to face Director Haley's words and to start digging in the landslide of informations the DEO dumped on her.  
  
    First on her list is the DEO’s behaviour towards her. Arrested and detained in a violent manner while unconscious, judging by the bruises on her body. Nearly poisoned to death with kryptonite, restrained more than necessary, fed less than required by her unique biology and displayed in a glass cell like a subpar being ; Kara can’t help but think that the DEO made an example out of her, to show other aliens what would happen if they didn't fall in line. But then, why is she still alive ? If they wanted to set an example, why didn’t they just kill her ? Held a public execution ? Kara can think of two possible reasons why. The first would be to avoid turning her into a martyr. Killing the most popular of aliens in front of aliens could have had unforeseen consequences, severely complicating the DEO's work. The second, and Kara hopes it’s this one, would be because some humans out there still cherish her and the news of her execution could cause a public riot, undoing the DEO’s "precious" work on alien regulation.  
  
    Kara absentmindedly scratches Streaky behind the ears. Thinking about people still caring about Supergirl is half consoling and half dejecting ; it’s heartwarming, but she has no way of knowing since she can't reasonably go around asking about an illegal alien, and anyway Supergirl doesn’t exist anymore, Haley and the DEO made sure of that. Which leads her to her last moments in National City, the new law, Haley’s instructions ; all of it feels a lot like conditional liberty. Or even conditional existence. Kara is allowed to exist if she submits herself to the rules. The redK incident is starting to feel more like an excuse for the government to institutionalise its xenophobia rather than the cause.  
  
    Supergirl has a hard time wrapping her head around the recent development in the official policy regarding superpowered, and even just slightly different, beings. Just months ago, everybody was praising the importation of Nth metal through immigration, and now, the government seems about ready to hunt down every single alien. The DEO used to seek her help at every hour of every day, now they went to see her burn. Do the recent failures of both Superman and herself really cancel out all the good they did ? Where is her second chance ? Aren't red recollections and memory gaps punishment enough ? With a little help from the DEO special therapist and love and support from her friends (instead of being cut off from them), she would have been alright, she could have protect Earth again. She yearns, more than anything, for a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of the population she swore to keep safe.  
  
    Kara feels angry. Angry and guilty. Angry because the DEO's actions feel disproportionates. She’s being punished for something that wasn’t her fault, Maxwell Lord should be on house arrest, not her. He should be answering for his scientific disaster, not her. A deep feeling of injustice settles over Kara and she wants to punch things, more specifically Lord's face. Then again, she feels guilty. Guilty because though she may not have been the initial trigger, but it still snowballed because of her. Because she didn’t work on kryptonite immunity. Because she didn’t even thought something like that could happen, because she didn't anticipated. Because it is her own weakness that is forcing the whole alien population under tight control. Families are going to be investigated, parents are going to lose their job, kids are going to be treated as threats. And individuals that are judged as too dangerous are probably going to be killed, plain and simple. All because she was too frail to resist synthetic kryptonite. All because she disregarded her darkness too much to be able to deal with it when forced straight into it.  
  
    Then there’s Alex. And if Kara can put words on her emotions regarding the DEO, when it comes to her sister, she’s utterly puzzled. She is used to having her sister by her side no matter what, but the cryptic smile Alex addressed her in Haley’s office is confusing, and Kara has a feeling that her sister’s role in this is far more complex than it seems. Whose side is Alex on ? Kara wants to say hers but Alex has always been very attached to her job and Kara can’t forget that, at first, her sister was very against her coming out at Supergirl and even if this was a while ago, it may still be an issue. Even more so after what happened and the words Kara heard herself say to her sister. What if Alex resents her for what she said and uses her role as Kara probationary agent to make her pay for it ? She knows it’s paranoia talking, but her current situation isn’t prone to happy thoughts.  
  
    Kara sighs deeply and Streaky nuzzles her in concern. She’s going to have to talk it through with Alex eventually. Just, not yet, she’s not ready.  
  
***  
  
    Kara must have fallen asleep at some point because the sound of her bedroom door creaking startles her awake. Eliza makes her way into the room, a steaming cup of tea in each hand. She doesn't talk but simply draws a plush armchair closer to the bed and hands Kara her cup of tea. Adoptive mother and daughter sip their tea in comfortable silence and Kara lets the warm beverage and the comforting presence fill the cracks inside her. She made up her mind, Eliza’s love could never be a bad thing, could never be worse than disappointing her. She’s grateful for her presence.  
  
    Kara lets the warmth tea lull her back to sleep.  
  
    When she wakes up again, Eliza is gone and Alex is sitting in her place. The armchair has been drawn back under the window and she’s reading a battered copy of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s stone. Alex is engrossed in the book and doesn't immediately notices that Kara is awake ; she takes this opportunity to observe her sister. She's fiddling with her engagement ring and Kara gets a pang in her heart when she remembers how distressed her sister was when they last talked about her fiancée. She still looks tired and tensed but also somehow less guarded, maybe it's because she changed out of her DEO uniform and is now dressed in an old pair of cuffed jeans and a Midvale High hoodie that Kara is a 100% sure is hers since Alex herself never was on the track team.  
  
    Alex must feels her staring because she slams the book close and sighs. "You’re awake."  
  
    "I am." Kara replies in a yawn. "And this is my hoodie."  
  
    "Chill Kara. You’ll have it back. I just wanted to wear something comfy and I packed in a hurry before leaving National City."  
  
    "You can keep it. I don’t, I don’t really mind."  
  
    "Thanks Kara ."  
  
    They fall into silence. Kara recognises the tell tale signs of anxiety in her sister. They are not obvious as Alex usually manages to reign them in well, but Kara knows what it means when her sister's leg twitches slightly because she's stopping herself from nervously bouncing it up and down. Or when she purposely looks anywhere but the person she’s supposed to look at. Kara decides to save her sister the trouble of starting a conversation. "I don’t want to talk."  
  
    Alex stops fidgeting with her ring and her head jolts up so quickly she must gets whiplash. "We kinda need to Kara, it’s important, even if it’s unpleasant."  
  
    "I’m not saying we won’t talk at all Alex, just not right now. Please. I’ve had, I’ve had a couple of rough weeks, which is like, the understatement of the century, and I need peace of mind, even just for a couple of days."  
  
    "Okay. Okay, I understand."  
  
    "And I don’t know how to feel about what happened and how to feel about you. I don’t want to be angry at you for things I’m not sure happened or not. I don’t know if I should thank you for still being alive. And I don't want to pin all my trauma on you. I don’t know what your role is in this and until I have the strength to ask, we can’t have this conversation."  
  
    "That’s fair, I get it. If you need time to process things, I can give you that. Just, and then I’ll stop talking if that’s what you want, I need you to know I’m not angry about what you did and said because of the RedK. We need to talk about it and about the DEO, but I am not angry."  
  
    "Thank you Alex." Kara says softly. Speaking is exhausting and it's one of the reasons, albeit not the most important one, why she doesn't want to have this conversation. She can see the conflict in her sister’s eyes and she knows that she want to add something but after a moment of silence, she seems to choose not to. Instead, she slams her knee in a mock cheerful way and gets out of the chair.  
  
    "How about we go for a silent walk ? We could go to _The Lion’s Den_. I heard they changed ownership and we’re now less at risk of food poisoning."  
  
    "What !" Kara exclaims outraged, rising from her pillows like an imp out of its box. "Their food was always amazing !"  
  
    "Yeah." Snarks Alex. "If you got a stomach of steel !"  
  
***  
  
    The sun feels good on Kara’s skin. She took a shower and changed out of her DEO sweats, that she’s seriously considering burning, into an old tshirt and a pair of jean shorts that were on top of the first box she opened. She’s a bit chilly, but the sun is worth it.  
  
    The house is a bit removed from town and the sisters make their way to the city center briskly and in silence. The smell of the sea is invigorating and Kara no longer feels like killing someone at the scent, unlike when she got out of the car. Midvale comes into view and it’s exactly how she remembered it, with the beach, rows upon rows of colorful houses and not a tall building in sight. The biggest edifice is the library, a low square building on Main Street. However, if she still had telescopic vision, which she doesn’t, she would be able to see a gigantic supermarket afar. It's outside the limit of towns though, so it doesn't really count.  
  
     _The Lion’s Den_ has been standing across the street from the library since as far as Kara can remember. She used to go there for fries and greasy cheeseburgers after long study sessions. The front of the diner is painted blue, red and yellow, the colors of Midvale High's Lions. It's rather ironic, now that Kara thinks about it. The sign, a massive wooden lion head that sways with the wind, is still as Kara left it. She can't decide if it's comforting or oppressing.  
      
    Inside, Dolly, a blue haired girl that Kara remembers from high school, takes their orders. Alex requests a coffee, black ; and Kara a stack of pancakes, to keep up appearances, she’s not really hungry. The diner hosts only one other patron, a dark haired woman wearing gigantic glasses and reading a book which title Kara can't see from where she's sitting. She’s eating a donut, cut into small pieces that she picks up every few minutes to eat. It’s quiet. The only disturbance coming from the sound of Alex's cup on the saucer and the scrunching of pages from the girl's book. A ray of sunshine comes through the window, caressing Kara’s pale hand. She feels warmer than she has in a while, and just a bit more at peace. But really, she shouldn’t be surprised when it all goes to shit.  
  
    Even without her powers, Kara knows what’s going to happen before it does, like some kind of former superhero sixth sense.  
  
    A bang. Then screeching. Like a tire just exploded and someone is loosing control of their car. Except a teenage girl and her mom are crossing the street toward the diner at this exact moment. The reading woman sees them, and the teenage girl waves enthusiastically. Neither of them see the car. Kara gets up in a hurry, her hand gets through the table and she stumbles, loosing precious seconds. She leaves slight cracks in the tiles floor with each steps, but by the time she reaches the door and unintentionally rips it from its hinges, it’s too late. The teenage girl and her mom have been hit by the car.    
  
    Kara doesn’t move. She feels rooted to the spot, unable to even so much as bat an eyelash. The dark haired woman rushes past her, to the aid of the wounded. She can hear Alex calling 911, and in the background Dolly saying faintly, "Well, that’s the most action we’ve had in this town since forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To make this story work, I had to create my own timeline out of various events. I also rewatched the redK episode and am planning on writing a flashback chapter to take us back to the events prior to this story. I had to remind myself than not everyone is in my head and sees things as I do so I even made a checklist of things to write into the story so it makes sense ^^
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment if you have feeling about this or if you're happy to see Streaky Jr, spawn of the original Streaky.
> 
> If that's not already done and you're enjoying this don't forget to leave kudos (kudos to you if you can spot comic book references !) and subscribe and I'll see you soonish !


	4. Galaxies collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Alex have an important conversation and Kara meets not one but two very important someones !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dialogue in this one and it's a bit shorter than the others but it felt right to end it where it ended. 
> 
> When I started this fic I gave myself the challenge not to name everything after songs. And we can see it's half a success ^^ Only this chapter and the prologue are named after songs ^^ The prologue title having been inspired by "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down and this chapter's, by the song "Die for you" by Starset, one of my favourite bands.
> 
> I hope this is not full of typo, editing is not my forte

    When Eliza gets home from the hospital the sun is already well on its way to set. But Kara doesn’t care anymore about the way it hits her skin or about its warmth. She’s cold. Even with the addition of a thick sweater over her tshirt and the extra blanket on her shoulders, she’s cold. The sound of the front door closing startles her, causing Alex’s small screwdriver to slip and scratch Kara’s wrist.  
  
    "Goddamnit Kara !" Alex shouts as she sets the tool down to inspect her sister’s writs. "Stop moving !"  
  
    "Is there any other way to do this ?" Kara whimpers. "This is painful and unpractical."  
  
    "There isn’t. If I unlock the bracelets, they will know. They’re connected to your skin."  
      
    Alex tone is curt and final and calls for no argument, yet Kara exclaims : "Connected to my skin ?! How ?!"  
  
    "There’s a small needle that delivers kryptonite at regular intervals to counteract your powers." No matter how detached and factual Alex tries to be, annoyment still slips through her voice.  
  
    "A what ?!"  
  
    "I’m not done talking Kara ! It also monitors your vitals at all time and sends them to the DEO. If I unlock  the bracelets they will know, and they will come for you."  
  
    "I have kryptonite in me all the time ? Like right now I have kryptonite in my veins ?!"  
  
    "Well what the fuck did you thought it was ?!"  
  
    "I don’t know Alex ! Some kind of transmitter like in the training room ! These are poisoning me Alex, I could die !"  
  
    Sensing her daughters losing their cool, Eliza makes a move to interrupt them before it fully degenerate but Alex rises from her chair slamming her hands hard on the table. "YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ANYWAY ! THEY WERE GOING TO KILL YOU KARA ! FUCKING KILL YOU !"  
  
    "THEN WHY AM I NOT DEAD ?!" yells Kara, mirroring her sister position and slamming her hands on the table so hard that a crack appears right in the middle.  
  
    Eliza tries to interrupt them again, stepping carefully into the kitchen. "Girls. Girls ! If you have feelings to express, I understand, but I would also like if you could refrain from destroying my furniture in the process." Her words fly right over the sister’s heads.  
  
    "BECAUSE YOU’RE MY SISTER AND I WASN’T GOING YO LET YOU DIE !"  
  
    "HOW ?! HOW DID YOU CONVINCED THEM TO LET ME LIVE ?!"  
  
    "I. I." Alex stops and sits. She sinks in her chair, defeat clear on her face. "I traded my life for yours." Before her, Kara drops on her own chair, stunned. "My life, and some valuable DEO intel that only J’onn and I knew about."  
  
    "You what…?" Kara exhales, her words escaping her mouth as air rushes out of her lungs.  
  
    "I gave my life in exchange for yours Kara."  
  
    "But why…?"  
      
    "Because you’re my sister and I love you."  
  
    "Al…"  
  
    "Let me speak Kara. Please. You are alive because I made Director Haley an offer she couldn’t refuse. I gave her access to every encrypted files from the DEO J’onn trusted me with. Informations on alien residents, valuable intergalactic data. And I have a bracelet of my own to ensure my loyalty, so that I remember to spy on you. If I betray them, they can blow me up remotely." Alex pulls up her sleeve, uncovering a black and thin metal bracelet.  
  
    "Alex that’s crazy ! Let me talk to them I’ll…"  
  
    "You’ll what ? Trade your life for mine ? They won’t let you." Alex scoffs. "I was right." She then add in a softer voice. "I knew you would offer to do that. You would have done the exact same thing for me."  
  
    "And all the aliens…?"  
  
    "Were arrested because of me. I’m sorry Kara, I really am. I know you are going to be mad, but I couldn’t afford to lose my sister."  
  
    "What if your bracelet is as faulty as mines are ? What if you blow up out of the blue ?!"  
  
    "It won’t happen. It’s secure governmental tech. Yours is…" Alex marks a pause, seems to hesitate. "Yours is an experiment from LuthorCorp."  
  
    "EXCUSE ME WHAT ?!"  
  
    "The DEO was on a time constraint. And Lex Luthor was very happy to help. From his very secure prison cell."  
  
    "I. I. Okay. I need time. To think." Kara rises again, visibly and rightfully shaken. "I. I can’t believe I’m being poisoned by Lex Luthor, on government orders. This is fine. This is totally fine.  Don’t, don’t get blown up. I’m gonna find a way."  
  
    "There’s no way to find Kara. There is nothing you can do."  
  
    "I’m Supergirl ! I always find a way !"  
  
    "Supergirl is gone Kara. You can’t superpower your way out of this. It’s over."  
  
    Alex’s words feel like a kryptonite sword through the heart. She’s right, Supergirl no longer exists and she can’t use her alter ego to fix things anymore. Without this part of her life, she feels empty ; and though she knows she was always more than just Supergirl, right now, it doesn’t feel much like it.  
  
    Kara flees to her bedroom and slams the door behind her. The sound rings in her ears like a gunshot and she instantly regrets the angry gesture.  
  
    Fuck kryptonite.  
  
    Fuck Luthor.  
  
    He could at least have done his job properly.  
  
    The ringing in her ears doesn't dissipate one bit and Kara, feeling hazy, has to promptly exit her bedroom to go empty her guts in the toilet. Hunched over the bowl, she can hear footsteps coming up the stairs ; no doubt Eliza coming to check on her. An escape plan forms in her head before she even thinks about escaping. She darts up, sprints toward her bedroom and climbs out the window. From them, the portion of roof that cover the front porch is gently tilted and should guarantee a mostly painless landing.  
  
    She is already on the ground when Eliza leans out the window. "Kara ! What on Earth are you doing !?"  
  
    "Avoiding you !" Kara yells back. "I’m just going for a walk ! I’ll be back before night !"  
  
    "It’s already nighttime Kara !"  
  
    "Well I’ll be back before daybreak ! Promise !"  
  
    With that, Kara runs the remaining length of the garden, pass the white picket fence and heads for the cliffs that overlook the beach.  
  
***  
  
    The night sky is clear, with absolutely no trace of pollution. Out of habit, Kara looks up at the stars in search of Krypton. But without telescopic vision, it’s too hard to spot. Or maybe its light finally faded away while Kara was locked up. She can add this to the pile of shit her life is right now.  
  
    The moonlight makes it easy to see the path, but Kara still manages to trip twice on stray rocks on her way down from the cliffs to the beach. A few lone figures are also enjoying a late evening walk but the beach is mainly desert, a relief for Kara. The heat of the day is already cooling down and she shivers in the light breeze, grateful for her sweater. It's also a much better idea in terms of bracelets coverage than the tshirt she was wearing earlier.  
  
    Kara gets as close to the water as she can without getting her shoes wet, and, facing the ocean, she tries to match her breathing with the push and pull of the tide. Inhale, pull ; exhale, push. Inhale ; exhale. Pull ; push. Kara has nearly manage to completely empty her thoughts when an angry shout pierce through the night and her relative calmness.  
  
    "Krypto ! Krypto ! Come back here you wanker !"  
  
    Several pounds of fluff collide with Kara from the side, sending her sprawling in the water. So much for not getting her shoes wet, she's drenched from head to toes. The fluffy mass, which appears to be an enormous dog, drags Kara out of the shallow waterside and starts licking her face enthusiastically.  
  
    "Krypto ! Stop this ! Now !"  
  
    The eager dog is yanked back and a hand replace it in Kara's visual field. She grabs it and let herself be pulled back up. Kara lets her eyes follow the path of an arm all the way up to a pale face. It's the brunette from the diner.  
  
    "I’m so sorry ! He doesn’t usually act like this. Krypto is a very well behaved dog. Are you alright ?"  
  
    Kara realises she’s still holding on to the girl’s hand and drops it faster than if it were burning coal. The brunette seems distraught and starts fretting over Kara, shrugging her jacket off and shoving it in her arms.  
  
    "You must be freezing ! Here, put this on !"  
  
    "It’s alright" Kara mumbles. But the brunette is insistent so she puts the jacket on and shoves her hands in the pockets. It's a bit tight and the sleeves are too short but it's warm and smells like cinnamon and sweet orange. "Thank you" she says for good measure.  
  
    "You don’t have to thank me, it’s the least I can do."  
  
    "It’s okay, really. Dogs like me. Did you got him from the shelter here in Midvale ? I used to walk some of them when I came here on holidays."  
  
    "I did actually. Maybe he recognized you."  
  
    "Maybe he did." Kara smiles. "He looks a bit like Snowball. But much much bigger."  
  
    The brunette looks absolutely outraged. "You named my dog Snowball ?!"  
  
    Kara shrugs. « Well, he is white. And fluffy. Why did you named him Krypto anyway ? »  
  
    "Oh. It’s a family joke. My brother and I used to be big fan of the Supers. And you know, Krypton, Krypto, it makes sense."  
  
    Yes, Kara knows. "Used to ?" She asks, wanting to rip the bandaid as soon as possible.  
  
    "Oh yeah. My brother is dead now. I’m the only Super enthusiast left in this family. Though I’m not sure I should tell that to anybody, with this new law and all."  
  
    Kara feels both relieved and incredibly sad for this complete stranger. "I’m sorry to hear about your brother. It’s hard, losing someone you’re close to."  
  
    The brunette smiles, and threads her hand through the dog’s fur, but doesn’t reply. Kara doesn’t mind, she’s never been good at expressing her condoleances anyway. They stay like this for a little while, in a strangely comfortable silence. Until the breeze rises again, and Kara shivers.  
  
    "We should walk" says the brunette. "It will warm you up. You’re going to freeze if you stay still like that."  
  
    Kara nods and they set off in direction of the town, Krypto between them, their feet sinking slightly in the wet sand with each step. They walk in silence, from beach to pavement, until they stop in front of _Kieran's all-repair shop_ and Kara's walking companion says "Oh, that's my stop." She sounds a bit disappointed but Kara decides not to dwell on it. "That’s me" she adds. "Kieran. Lena Kieran."  
  
    "Kara Danvers." Kara extends her hand, out of automatism, and Lena shakes it. "It was nice meeting you. Despite the accidental sea bath."  
  
    And it’s true. This short moment they shared was the nicest one she had since coming back to Midvale. Krypto nuzzles her hand and in a slightly abrupt movement, Kara crouches and buries her face in his fur. If Lena is taken aback by the cuddle assault on her dog, she doesn’t show it and instead says : "Krypto, or well, Snowball to you, is always available if you want to walk him, anytime. You seem like you need it."  
  
    "Krypto is a good name. I like it." Is Kara’s answer. "Thank you" she adds on second thoughts.  
  
    "I’m going to go to bed now." Lena says, nodding toward her door.  
  
    "Okay." Kara smiles. "Goodnight Lena."  
  
    "Goodnight Kara Danvers."  
  
    Kara gives one last pat on Krypto’s head and turns around to walk home. She takes a few step and then suddenly spins around yelling : "Wait ! Your friends ! Are they okay ?"  
  
    "My friends ?" Lena asks, startled.  
  
    "You were in the diner earlier today and your friends got in an accident right in front of us. Are they alright ?"  
  
    "Oh yeah. Minor cuts and bruises. Sam and Ruby are very resistant, they’re already out of the hospital."  
  
    "I’m. I’m glad."  
  
    Kara awkwardly turns around once more and starts heading home. Leaving a somewhat puzzled Lena in front of her door.  
  
***  
  
    The walk home doesn’t take long. Kara walks quickly, her encounter with Lena and Krypto, and the knowledge that the teenager and her mom are alive, making her feel lighter.  
  
    Eliza is waiting for her on the couch and Kara gives her adoptive mother a long warm hug and a kiss on the forehead. "I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk sweetheart." Eliza sleepily mumbles in her daughter’s hair.  
  
    "I know. Thank you."  
  
    Kara climbs up the stairs, avoiding the creaking step so as to not wake her sister up. It’s no use though, as when she passes in front of it, she sees light under the door and can hear Alex talking on the phone.  
  
    It’s only when she reaches her own bedroom and starts taking of her wet shoes, that Kara realises she is still wearing Lena’s jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Lena AND Krypto, I hope you're happy ! :D  
> This is not at all what I had in mind for this chapter but it kinda had a mind of it's own and it works ^^ I also wanted Kara to be happy for 5 minutes before I burn everything to the ground ;)
> 
> (Yes I know that's not how kryptonite works but bear with me, it makes sense in my head).


	5. Supergirls don't cry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I know nothing about Lex Luthor and it shows and we get an insight on Lena's backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is way longer than the others and consist of a flashback covering Lena's life from being adopted by the Luthors to seeing Kara for the first time in the diner. I hope it's not too confusing, I'm not sure what to think of this chapter except that all of this makes sense in my head ^^
> 
> Apart from the two times I literally wrote that Lena fucking love the movie Carol (as I do) there are two slight references to this absolute master piece (more specifically to the book that I just read), if you catch them, let me know ! 
> 
> TW : if you'd rather avoid mentions of suicide, you should stop reading after : "She drove, and drove, and drove in an erratic sort of way, sometimes going so slow that the car was barely moving at all and sometimes going so fast that she couldn't see anything other than blurred lines." and pick up at : "The car finally rolled to a stop when Lena realised she couldn’t go further west unless she planned to cross the Pacific Ocean."

    Later, when Lena would be asked and asked again to tell the exact story to DEO agents poorly masquerading as FBI (because if there is one thing Lena isn’t, it’s stupid), she would have trouble pinpointing the exact moment of the shift, the exact moment she should have known this couldn’t end well. Partly because it had started as an innocent joke between two siblings, partly because she did all she could not to see, all she could not to notice her brother turning into a monster.  
  
***  
  
    Lena came to live with the Luthors when she was four years old. Contrary to what journalists would later write about her, this was not her big life changing moment. Her life hadn’t drastically changed the day Lionel Luthor had introduce her to the rest of the family ; no, her life had changed the moment she had realised her mother wasn’t going to come back out of the water. If this hadn’t happened, everything else would have been different. If her mum had swum back to her, she wouldn't have ended up in a dirty orphanage swarming with dozens of snotty kids. If her mum had swum back to her, her estranged father would never have picked her up from said orphanage, she would never have been on the flight that forever cemented her fear of flying, she would never have met Lillian and Lex Luthor. Coming to live with the Luthors, becoming a Luthor herself, was just a consequence of her big life changing moment.  
  
    Lex Luthor was a good brother, Lionel Luthor a decent father, Lillian Luthor a terrible woman, and Lena Kieran Luthor was just a little kid.  
  
    A child, a bit fractious, extremely smart, with and extensive vocabulary and a thick irish accent. A child with bruised knees, unruly blond hair and curious green eyes.  
  
    The first thing Lex had done was teaching her how to play chess. The first thing Lionel had done was kissing her forehead. The first thing Lillian had done was taking her to see a speech therapist to get rid of her "awful accent." Then she had taught her how to braid her hair in an orderly manner so it would stop getting in her face. She had dragged her from ballet class to piano lesson to good manners course until she was ready to be introduced to the world as the latest Luthor charity case.  
  
    Lena didn’t like being the centre of attention. She didn’t like galas, piano recitals and being dragged to her new mother tea parties. Lena liked reading in the manor's huge library, playing chess and tinkering with Lex.  
  
    Lillian loved Lex as much as she hated Lena. To her, he was the perfect son, the golden boy ; her own darling certified genius (though Lena’s IQ was higher, something Lillian never failed to disregard). Every moment was an occasion to uplift Lex and downgrade Lena. Not to say that Lillian didn't praised Lena in public ; she never missed an opportunity to use her daughter's intellect to blow her own trumpet, flaunting Lena's grade and chess trophies left and right. In private however, chess was stupid, her grades would never compensate her lack of good looks, and did she put on weight again ? She should really stop eating that much !  
  
    Lex did had an innate advantage over Lena, he was their mother's own flesh and blood. And no matter how hard Lena would try to please Lillian, she could never go over this initial disagreement. Her mother forcefully molded her into a Luthor, but never let her forget what she really was, a bastard.  
  
    Nonetheless, Lena didn’t hate her brother. Lillian treatment hurt, yes, but Lex was kind and she promised herself she wouldn't let their mother come between them. Lex would read her bedtime stories, he would listen to her and would even let her dabble in his workshop. When he realised she was gifted, he was the one who bought her her first toolset. He would prank Lillian to help Lena get revenge and would sneak warm milk out of the kitchen when she had trouble sleeping. He got her a tuxedo to wear at her early graduation party (the look on Lillian’s face that day was forever engraved in Lena’s dearest memories) and let her work on the motor of his brand new car. He was the one who held her close when Veronica Sinclair broke her heart and got her a gun after she got kidnapped for the seventh time. Lex Luthor was a good brother.  
  
    He was a good brother, and thinking back, Lena knows it's what clouded her judgment.  
  
***  
  
    It started on a casual saturday morning. Lena was hanging out in the living room of her newly acquired flat in Metropolis, soldering two random pieces of wire to keep herself busy while Lex was making a phone call, when he appeared on her television screen, Superman. Tall, strong, handsome if you're into that.  
  
    And Lex was into that. He became engrossed with Superman in a sweet fanboy sort of way, wearing House of El branded merch and doodling his crest during boring board meetings. Lena indulged him in his cute obsession, helping him cut articles out of newspapers and collecting informations on his abilities.  
  
    Then Lionel died and Lex was appointed CEO of LuthorCorp, leaving Lena to manage R&D on her own. LuthorCorp thrived like never before. After three months, Lex doubled his own salary and tripled Lena’s then made a donation to the Trevor Project in her name after she complained about so much money being wasted on a single person.  
  
    Three months later he came to Lena and asked her to develop an exoskeleton based on his research on Superman’s powers to benefit tetraplegic individuals. They celebrated this idea by eating pizza in their matching Superman’s hoodies.  
  
    Add another three months and Lex was holding a press conference to present the super-exoskeleton ; it was interrupted by Superman wrestling a giant slug like creature. To Lex's great dismay, the hero didn’t stick around to praise his idea and the press conference was relegated to the back of the news that day. Lena could only watch as Lex burned is collection of Superman related articles. She passed it out as disenchantment, an illustration of the "never meet your idol" thing.  
  
    Three months again, and an interview of Lex, richest and most powerful industrialist in the world, didn’t make it on the front page of the Daily Planet, Superman had saved a kitten from a tree on the same day. Lena had to rip his phone out of his hand as he insulted Lois Lane. The next day, she couldn’t find her Superman hoodie anywhere.  
  
    Now, Lena knows that that’s when she made her first mistake. That’s when she should have realised that this was no longer about her brother being disappointed by his hero. This was about a man being angry that he was overlooked in favor of a of a powerful selfless alien who, yes, had inherent abilities that he never had to work for. Her brother was angry and dangerous and Lena will never stop thinking she should have tried harder to calm him down.  
  
    Lex began holding multiple conferences about the danger of having a God walking amongst humans. He would rave on about humanity’s greatest achievements and the need for Earth to belong solely to humans. He would propose ideas for humanity’s enhancement, delighting crowds while he was developing massive weaponry in the shadows. The siblings’ movie nights gradually turned into all out verbal fights about aliens rights and it was getting more and more difficult for Lena to calm Lex down. On the rare occasion where she'd manage to bring him back from his madness, she would catch a sliver of the man he used to be ; a smile, a genuine laugh at some silly joke. And it tricked her into thinking she could somehow save him.  
  
    When Lena refused to help him build a weapon capable of destroying Superman, Lex "promoted" her to CFO and essentially locked her out of R&D. But if Lena's mistake had been to overlook his initial craziness, his own mistake had been to indirectly give her full access to LuthorCorp files. And though Lena largely underestimated her brother's reach when she tried to pass these files to corrupt police officers, she kept on digging.  
  
    She got kidnapped once and beat up twice as a warning before she managed to get a hold of the FBI. When she did, it was too late.  
  
    Seven buildings exploded simultaneously on a busy saturday afternoon. Lena was on her way to the train station to meet her contact with the FBI when the ground disappeared underneath her feet. She didn’t even had time to contemplate her death before a figure clad in a bulky green and purple armour grabbed her and dropped her on top of LuthorCorp’s headquarters.  
  
    "Don’t be stupid sis’ get out of here while you can."  
  
    Lex.  
  
    Her brother was wearing an enhanced version of the exoskeleton she had helped design and was wreaking havoc on Superman's city.  
  
    She tried to rush to get help. To do something. But the lock on the rooftop door had been preventively melted and she was stuck.  
  
    Even know, when Lena thinks about Lex falling from the sky, all she can think about is her six years old self falling from her bike and scrapping her knees. And her big brother’s hand reaching out to help her up.  
  
    She didn’t reach out to help him up.  
  
***  
  
    When someone finally came to get her off the roof, she was unceremoniously dragged to a black op site with a burlap sack on her head. If she'd thought that reaching out to the FBI with informations to take her brother down would do her any favour, her last illusions where now crushed.  
  
    Lena was interrogated for seven hours straight, her inquisitor always circling back to the same questions : when did she knew for sure ? She didn’t. Why her brother initial obsession with Superman hadn’t raise her concerns ? Because it was a silly thing between siblings. What did she knew of Lillian’s role in all of this ? She had no idea she was involved, though she wasn’t surprised. Why hadn’t she reached out to the authorities sooner ? She had. And then it would circle back to the first question all over again until she was too numbed to care about what was coming out of her mouth.  
  
    Somewhere around the sixth hour, two agents where brought in from National City, a tall black man and a young woman with dark redish hair. They looked different from the other agents, which clued Lena towards the DEO, an organisation she had stumbled upon in Lex’s files on Supergirl, someone she didn’t even thought her brother had an interest in. Why otherwise have "FBI" agents flown from the other side of the country ? They brought her a glass of water and then asked her the same questions again, twice, until the man nodded and said : "I believe her."  
  
    The other agents, the ones from the FBI, tried to protest, but the DEO seemed to prevail in this case and another sack was shoved on Lena’s head before she was bumpily driven back to her flat.  
  
    That’s when the true nightmare began.  
  
    Her building was surrounded by hundreds of journalist, each one trying to get the first statement from the sister of a now notorious terrorist. Lena had to lock herself in her flat, surviving of frozen food and tea for three weeks until the trial hastily began. During these three weeks, she barely slept. She was glued to her television, only averting her attention from the macabre news to skype with her lawyer. 137 deads, 413 wounded including 99 gravely. Footage from the attack was broadcasted on a loop, experts were brought in to discuss her brother’s madness, Lillian was arrested then released then arrested again, grainy pictures of herself getting back to her flat and rumours of her sudden disappearance were used as a proof of guiltiness by second-rate journalists. Her role in the conception of Lex's armour got out and someone had a banner flown all around the city asking her to face justice.  
  
    Lena did face justice. She took a stand at the trial, but as a witness, not a culprit, to Metropolis’ dismay. The files she had gathered were used as a key element and eventually brought Lex down. The trial lasted for two months, and each day, Lena told her story, and each day, she lost her brother more and more, each day, she lost a piece of herself.  
  
    Her entire life story was dug up and and stripped naked for the public enjoyment. People managed to both find her guilty for being her brother’s sister, and untrustworthy for testifying against said brother. Her flat was bombed and she had to hide in a swampy hotel room. She lost ten pounds, was egged seven times in front of the court house, was shot twice, and on the final day Lex leaped over the barrier that separated them in court and tried to strangle her.  
  
    Needless to say, she left Metropolis without looking back.  
  
***  
  
    Lena drove north-west for seven hours without stopping. When she finally did, it was in a vapid gas station outside of Waterloo, Iowa ; which was rather ironic. She took refuge in its dirty, but empty, bathroom and decided now was a time as good as any to reflect on her situation. She had left Metropolis with nothing but her phone, her credit card, and the clothes she had on her back ; and without telling anyone, though who would she had told, she had cut off contact with her friends long ago. Her reflection in the cracked mirror was nothing short of scary. She'd torn her hair tie around the third hour of her drive and her hair was sticking out in odd ways. Her eyes were heavily weighted by dark circles and her skin had taken a sick grey colour. Her blazer and shirt did nothing to hide the purples bruises left by Lex on her neck and her slacks were teared at the right knee. She'd ditched her heels somewhere between the court house and her car and her bare feet were covered in dirt. There was only one good side to her situation and it was that her expectations couldn’t possibly sink any lower.  
  
    The small shop inside the gas station was surprisingly well stocked. She bought several kinds of cereal bars though she wasn’t particularly hungry and decided to also grab huge sunglasses and a grey beanie, thinking it would do her good to look a little less like Lena Luthor. Next to the cashier was a large display with various superhero paraphernalia, clearly aimed at kids, and without really thinking about it, Lena grabbed a Supergirl hoodie, in the biggest size they had. The cashier glanced at her curiously, then at the name on her credit card, and said nothing. Of course, because Lena Kieran wasn’t anybody worth recognising or gossiping about, and a while ago, Lena had established a second bank account under her birth name. Call it premonition.  
  
    Back in the relative security of her car, Lena buried herself in the Supergirl hoodie, without even bothering to cut the tag off, and cried, really cried, for the first time in weeks, for the first time since she had seen her brother plummet out of the sky.  
  
    She guessed she must have cried herself to sleep because when she opened her puffy eyes the sun was rising over the horizon and the car windows were covered in dew. She remembered reading somewhere that crying makes you feel better. She didn’t feel any better.  She ate half a cereal bar that she promptly vomited on the side of the road after driving for maybe two miles. She drove, and drove, and drove in an erratic sort of way, sometimes going so slow that the car was barely moving at all and sometimes going so fast that she couldn't see anything other than blurred lines. There was a fleeting moment were she caught a snippet of her speedometer and realised that at more than 90mph it would be so easy to just let the car swerve off the road and crash into a tree. It would be over in a minute and if she was lucky, the car would explode and her body would be burned beyond identification.  
  
    Nonetheless, Lena kept on driving west, more eager to put distance between herself and Metropolis than she had been eager to die for half a second. She stopped only when she couldn't fight sleep anymore, each town fading into another in her exhausted mind. Colorado Springs’ mountains did made a lasting impression on her as she passed a particularly narrow road and considered once again letting the car swerve off the path to crash down below, before deciding she would not. Instead, she stopped to watch the sunset and then the stars and determined she liked them enough to not kill herself after all.  
  
    The car finally rolled to a stop when Lena realised she couldn’t go further west unless she planned to cross the Pacific Ocean. It was sunset again. Lena parked the car on top of a cliff that overlooked a small beach and a colourful town that Lena thought ought to be Midvale since she remembered driving in front of a sign that pointed in this direction. The town looked pretty, with the shimmering lights of the houses turning on one after the other. In the distance a dog was barking and on the road beside her, a car drove by with classical music filtering through its windows. Below her feet, the ocean lazily met the cliff in a soothing white noise. And Lena thought, why not ?  
  
***  
  
    Living in Midvale was astonishingly easy. Lena welcomed the blank slate offered by a town that didn't expect anything of her. She bought new, comfier clothes and died her hair jet black in the small bathroom of a bed and breakfast she stayed at for the first few weeks. She got into the habit of having lunch and dinner at the Lion's Den, a small diner that seemed overly fond of primary colours but was overall a really nice place. In between meals, Lena would pass the time by going on long walks on the beach and browsing the public library. She reread all seven Harry Potter and then moved on to The Price of Salt. She’d seen the movie a while back and had meant to get into the book for quite some time, and now, well now she had all the time in the world. Her only attachment to her past and to the events of Metropolis seemed to manifest in a chronic aversion to the news.  
  
    She did got bored eventually and purchased an empty local on Main Street to open a repair shop, something that Lena Luthor would have never even considered but that Lena Kieran found enjoyable. Above the shop was a flat one-fifth the size of her former place in Metropolis but it was big enough for her and for the dog she got when she eventually started to feel lonely. She named her dog Krypto, and it was not because it reminded her of her brother, but because associating with the Supers in any way made her feel stronger. Krypto liked head pats, rolling in seaweed and sleeping on her feet.  
  
    When Metropolis finally caught up with her six months after her arrival in Midvale, it was in the form of a text message from an old friend and was not as unpleasant as she had feared it would be. Sam Arias, from whom Lena had carefully cut herself from once Lex had started spiraling into bullshit, needed her help and to get out of the city and so she had only hesitated half a day before outright buying her a house in Midvale and hiring her as an assistant. Sam's number was the only one that wasn't blocked on her old cellphone, maybe because she was the only one of her friends that she really cared about.  
  
    Sam and Lena had met in college and had had a rocky start as a couple before breaking it off and carrying on as friends. Sam’s favourite joke was to remind everyone that she once had had sex with Lena Luthor, something that embarrassed Lena greatly. She was still happy to see this familiar face when she braved National City's airport, and when Sam's daughter Ruby leaped into her arms, she realised just how much she had missed having them around. Her joy was short lived however, when Sam punched a hole through her car door while trying to close it gently.  
  
     Lena easily incorporated Sam and Ruby in her Midvale routine. Ruby integrated Midvale High and its soccer team and Sam helped at the shop. They had family movie night on Fridays and adults brunches, or rather the Lion’s Den version of brunches, on Mondays. Mostly, Lena and Sam worked on understanding and controlling the latter new found abilities that tended to sprout at unfortunates and unpredictables times. Sam’s fear was that with puberty, Ruby would start developing the same kind of powers ; she would have respected Lena's wish not to be contacted if she had been the only one at risk of shooting lasers with her eyes. She just wanted her daughter to be safe ; and if it put her in a position to help her estranged best friend, well it was just added bonus. Sam, of course, thought that protecting people by throwing them out of one's life was a ridiculous technique.  
  
    Lena's careful avoidance of everything newsworthy was broken on a Saturday evening when she decided to turn on her television. Dolly from the diner had told her that Carol would be on on Showtime ; instead, she found an emergency broadcast announcing the fall of Supergirl. She spent the night glued to her TV screen by some kind of morbid hypnosis, switching between channels, held hostage by pseudo journalists spitting on a hero Lena was sure they still praised just 24 hours before. She didn’t even move when they started showing footage of Lex and Superman’s fight and only realised she was crying when her blurry vision gave her some reprieve from the news.  
  
    Two weeks later, a hasty bill was voted, outlawing not only Supergirl but anyone like her, people like the Valerian baker down the street, people like Sam and Ruby, good people. Saturdays had decided to stay on track with their less than stellar record in Lena's book.  
  
***  
  
    Sam’s abilities were similar to Superman and Supergirl’s ; they had tested them through and through and were 99% sure that she was from Krypton. The fact that she’d recently started reading kryptonese from Lex’s notes like if she had done it her whole life, though unexplained, was also in favour of this theory. And unlike Maxwell Lord, Lena was a certified genius and was confident in her capacity to create synthetic kryptonite to help mask her friend’s powers. They were supposed to meet and discuss this, but Sam and Ruby were running late after soccer practice and Lena was waiting alone at the Lion’s Den. That’s where she saw her for the first time.  
  
    There were two women, but it’s the blonde one that caught Lena’s eyes. Shorts and a tshirt were leaving her bruised skin largely exposed and her wrists were adorned with chunky bracelets not unlike the one sported by prisoners on parole, but the girl didn't seem to give a flying fuck about the way she currently looked. She seemed to be afflicted with a curious tic and it took Lena a while to understand that she was re-angling her body every few minutes to follow a lone ray of sunshine. There was something extremely enticing about her and Lena had the feeling that if there had to be a reason in the grand cosmic scheme of things for her to have chosen Midvale, it was so she could meet this girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this chapter was useful in the creation of my own personal timeline. Next time, we'll return to the present and Kara's thoughts and if all goes according to plan, which let's be honest, rarely happens with me, you will finally understand the title of this fic ^


	6. In-betweens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara stress bakes. Lena is a smooth motherfucker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this went in a totally different direction that what I had plan for this chapter ^^ So I guess enjoy the niceness while it lasts ? 
> 
> I know I said that I wasn't going to have a regular update schedule but I ended up having one anyway and this chapter is kinda late, I'm sorry, I had a rough week. 
> 
> Once again, the title for this chapter is from a song, I suggest listening to "How do you feel ?" by The Maine

    Kara startles awake at the sound of a screeching scream. Her own, she realises when Alex barges into her room, tiredness and worry etched on her skin. Her sister wordlessly settles in the armchair next to the bed and with her here, the last flashes of Kara’s nightmare fade away, leaving only a feeling of intense discomfort.  
  
    She falls back into a fitful sleep, waking up what feels like every few minutes. Alex doesn’t move ; but Kara suspects she doesn’t sleep either. One thing with restless sleep is that morning seems to never get closer, and the glowing numbers on her old alarm clock keep glaring at her in the dark ; she gives up on sleep when they hit 5 a.m. Alex tries to follow her, but Kara gently pushes her back in the armchair and silently covers her with a blanket. Just because she can’t sleep herself doesn’t mean her sister doesn’t deserve a moment of rest.  
  
    Downstairs, she goes through the motions of making coffee ; the simplicity of the task anchoring her to the real world, away from the gloom of her nightmares. She then moves on to pancakes and ends up stacking two dozen of them on the counter. By the time Eliza and Alex join her in the kitchen, she has baked three sorts of muffins and hasn’t eaten anything. The mere idea of putting even the tiniest piece of food in her mouth makes her feel sick. Her throat feels tight, like she could choke on air, swallowing anything tangible is clearly out of question.  
  
    Kara keeps her eyes riveted to the kitchen clock, waiting until an appropriately polite amount of time has pass to duck out of breakfast all the while shrugging and nodding her way out of conversations. She doesn’t want to talk about the weather or hear about Eliza’s latest hospital gossip. She feels guilty for not even trying to keep up the facade but all in all it's just one more crappy feeling to add to the gigantic pile of shit her life is right now.  
  
    Kara escapes the kitchen, but back in her bedroom, she does have to face the reality of the fact that though she doesn’t feel like being around people, she also doesn’t feel much like being alone. It feels like her first months on Earth all over again ; when Alex and her weren’t quite sisters yet and being amongst humans meant she had to convincingly masquerade as one of them and being alone would indubitably lead to being eaten away by her thoughts. She felt so damn lonely then and didn’t have many options to get out of her own head.  Except books and movies.  
  
    Reading for the sake of reading wasn’t much of a thing on Krypton long before her birth. People had become to busy to take the time out of their day to do so. On Earth, reading was something Kara could do without thinking of her home planet, of her parents, of death. She had picked up reading easily and it had even prompted her desire to really learn english, and other languages. When she couldn’t relate to Earthlings, couldn’t connect to her newfound sister, couldn’t unbreak one more thing she had accidentally broken ; she could relate to books, could connect to characters, could live fully through paper. Books had become her safe heaven.  
  
    Kara picks up _Harry Potter and the philosopher’s stone_ , that Alex was reading just the day before and settles in her armchair. Streaky joins her as Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, are telling her that they are perfectly normal, thank you very much, and cat and owner make it through the first chapter together. That’s it until Kara realises that she’s read the last sentence seven times and can’t, for the love of Rao, concentrate on any words any longer. Her brain feels fuzzy in the worst way and she can feel herself getting angry though she's not really sure why. The book flies out of her hands and crash into the wall except Kara doesn’t remember consciously throwing it. It lands on top of her boxes and tumbles all the way to the ground in a muted sound. Her eyes carelessly follow its fall and catch sight of Lena's jacket resting on the back of her desk chair. Here is something she can do. She is going to get out of the house to give Lena her jacket back and maybe she'll be able to see Krypto too.  
  
***  
  
    Putting on clothes seems like too much of a hassle so Kara settles for slipping yesterday’s sweater over her night shirt. Thankfully, the sweatpants she wore to bed are outside world worthy. She takes the scenic route to get to the town center ; it’s still early and she doesn’t know at what time Lena likes to get up, doesn’t want to bother her. She precariously balances a box of leftover muffins on the cliffs’ narrow path all the way to the beach and then Main Street. She really hopes Lena likes muffins.  
  
    However, once she stands in front of Kieran's all- repair shop Kara finds herself at a loss for what to do. There is no doorbell. Does she bang on the door loudly and hopes Lena hears her ? Does Lena even live above her shop ? She's seriously considering just leaving the jacket and muffins on the doorstep when a window opens and Lena sticks her head out.  
  
    "Kara Danvers ! I knew I’d seen someone lurking in the street !"  
  
    "Um. I have your jacket. And I brought muffins. Do you like muffins ? I have muffins." Kara stammers through these few sentences and feels her face growing hot from embarrassment.  
  
    "Well I have coffee. Wanna come up ?"  
  
    Kara shrugs, then nods. She’s not sure if she want to be in a stranger’s flat, defenseless without her powers, but Krypto's snout appears on the windowsill and she suddenly feels like she can trust Lena.  
  
    "Alright ! I’ll come down to open for you, Krypto wants to see you !"  
  
    Lena is downstairs in less than a minute and opens the door looking slightly disheveled, Krypto right on her heels. She’s wearing a Supergirl hoodie and Kara can't prevent her eyes from settling on the crest, tensed on her chest. Lena follows her line of sight and chuckles.  
  
    "Don’t tell the FBI I’m wearing this." And then she fucking winks.  
  
    This half stranger wearing her crest on her boobs winks at her and Kara feels her heart fluttering a little. She’s not sure if she likes it. Still, she follows Lena into the shop and up the stairs to a brightly lit flat that smells just like Lena's jacket. The flat covers about the same surface as the shop, from Main Street to a small back garden that can be seen from floor to ceiling windows overlooking the greenness. The spiraling stairs open on an L shaped room with low shelves covered in books and a kitchen opened on a cozy living room, with hardwood floors and fluffy carpets, home to an enormous bookshelf that hosts a gigantic amount of hardcovers and paperbacks. One of the walls has been stripped down of its paint to expose reddish bricks and from the corner of her eye, Kara can see a chalkboard reading "DON'T FORGET TO RETURN THE LIBRARY BOOKS". Two doors surround a picture of the sea that on second look is one of these fancy TVs that blend in with the decor. Kara doesn't know Lena, but this place somehow feels like her.  
  
    Kara deposits the muffins on the kitchen table and the jacket on an armchair and finds herself with nothing to do, her arms dangling uselessly. Krypto nudges her insistently until she finally crouches down to scratch his white fur. When she finally looks up, Lena is leaning against the kitchen counter, a soft smile on her lips.  
  
    "So Kara Danvers, tea or coffee ?"  
  
    "Coffee." Kara ponders for a second then adds : "Why do you keep using my full name ?"  
  
    "I don’t know. It’s a nice name. I like it."  
  
    Kara is not sure if she likes that Lena likes her name. Danvers is her family, it’s the love and warmth she found on Earth. But Danvers is also human and Kara is not human. Instead of finding something to say she busies herself with finding the perfect spot to scratch Krypto behind the ears ; Lena seems to take the hint and instead of trying to pursue conversation, turns toward her kitchen and turns on what is probably the fanciest kettle Kara has ever seen before rummaging through her cupboard. "So I hate having to say this, but Sam drank all of my good coffee so all I have is this instant crap from the supermarket."  
  
    "It’s okay." Kara wonders if Lena and Sam are close friends.  
  
    Lena grabs two cups, throws a teabag in one and puts coffee in the other, then grabs both in one hand so the other is free for a bottle of milk and sugar ; it's quite impressive. She settles everything on the coffee table in the middle of a multitude of crumpled pieces of paper. It feels like an invitation to move to the living room so Kara picks up her muffins and goes to sit in a red leather club armchair that looks older than her, and that's counting her years spent in the Phantom Zone. Lena brushes the pieces of paper, that resemble failed attempt at origami, to clear the table but Kara picks one up and level it with her eyes to inspect the curious shape. It looks like…  
  
    "A flower ? A bird ?" Kara asks tentatively.  
  
    "A paper crane actually. Ruby tried to teach me the great art of origami, I guess it’s supposed to be soothing but really I find it impossibly frustrating. It looks like I sneezed on it !"  
      
    A laugh escapes Kara and it takes them both by surprise ; maybe Kara even more than Lena.  
  
    "Well if you find my art so funny…"  
  
    "Oh ! No ! It’s nice, really." Kara fumbles with her words and it’s Lena’s turn to laugh.  
  
    "You can keep it if you want." A wavering smile spreads on her lips. "Here, I’ll even write my number on it, this way you’ll be able to contact me if you want more of my outstanding art. Or if you want to hand-deliver more muffins."  
  
    Lena produces a pen from her bun, causing her hair to tumble down on her shoulders. Kara’s heart flutters again.  
  
    "You don’t even know if my muffins are good." She says as she slips the paper crane, now adorned with Lena's number, in her pocket.  
  
    "I’ll try one right now."  
  
    Lena unpacks the muffins and carefully selects a blueberry one. She breaks it in two, then in four and puts a piece in her mouth. "I was right, their good."  
  
    "Thank you."  
  
    After that, neither of them speak for a while. Just like the day before, they settle in an easy silence. Kara adds milk and sugar, a lot, to her coffee while Lena drinks her tea straight. Kara never liked tea, but watching Lena enjoying hers with an happy smile makes her want to like the beverage. She doesn’t drink much of her coffee, instead she cradles the cup to her chest, enjoying the warmth.  
  
    Kara can feels Lena’s stare on her long before she actually starts talking again.  
  
    "So tell me Kara Danvers. What are you doing in Midvale ? I haven’t lived here that long but enough to know that I haven’t seen you anywhere before. All I know is that you like walking my dog."  
  
    "Um." Kara takes a sip from her coffee to give herself the time to gather her thoughts. "I grew up here. With my sister. You probably saw her at the diner yesterday. I just came back from National City."  
  
    "Permanently ?" Lena says, a tinged of hopefulness in her voice that Kara doesn't want to dwell on.  
  
    "Um. Yeah. I got fired." Kara can’t tell her about being thrown out of the DEO but she supposes it also applies to her job at Catco, she can’t be Cat Grant’s assistant anymore.  
  
    "Oh. I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s their loss." It’s the polite thing to say, but coming from Lena it sounds genuine and though it's not comforting in the slightest, Kara appreciates the feeling. "Are you planning on finding another job in National City ? Or here ?"  
  
    "I don’t really know. I’m not sure I can go back to National City."  
  
    "How are you going to pass the time ? Midvale’s a quiet place, there’s not much to do around. Do you have any hobbies ?"  
  
    "I like reading. And painting. I haven’t had the chance to paint Midvale in a while."  
  
    "Did you brought any paintings from National City ?"  
  
    "Yeah, but I’m not sure they’re showable. I mean, I’m not sure if they’re any good. Alex and Eliza usually like them but that’s what family’s suppose to think of your art."  
  
    "Maybe you need another judge ? Invite me ‘round and maybe I can give you my honest opinion. If you’d like ?"  
  
    "I…"  
  
    But just as Kara is about to answer, Lena’s phone emits an atrocious tone, effectively cutting the conversation short.  
  
    "I’m sorry." Lena says as she extracts the phone from her pocket. "I need to set the volume high otherwise I never hear it ring." She checks the text, sighs, and puts the phone face up on the coffee table. Kara quickly glances at it and reads : _Lena, where the fuck are you ?_ It’s from Sam.  
  
    "I’m sorry, Sam is probably waiting for me in the shop, I guess I got carried away and forgot to open this morning. I’m not even properly dressed yet !"  
  
    "It’s okay. I’ll see myself out." Kara tries, and fails, to avoid disappointment from slipping in her tone.  
  
    "We should do that again some time. Soon." Lena rises from her chair before stopping  suddenly in an almost comical way. "Oh fuck. I didn’t take Krypto for his walk !"  
  
    "I can do it !" Kara exclaims rising up from her own armchair.  
  
    Lena hums pensively for a few seconds. "Are you trying to abduct my dog Kara Danvers ?"  
  
    "Oh ! I promise I’m not…"  
  
    "I’m kidding ! I know you won’t steal my dog, I trust you. Though I have a feeling it’s the only reason you came to see me. You know you didn’t had to bribe me with cakes, you could have just asked."  
  
    "I do enjoy your company !" Kara looks helplessly around, trying to avoid eye contact with Lena who starts laughing.  
  
    "Go walk my dog Kara, fresh air will do you good."  
  
***  
  
    Krypto seems happy to take his morning walk with Kara. She hopes he does remember her from the shelter. True to Lena’s words, he grew up to be a well behaved dog, walking carefully during the short walk to the beach, always waiting at crossroads. Kara lets him run back and forth for a while on the beach tossing a bright red ball that Lena claims is his favourite.  
  
    When Kara brings Krypto back to Lena’s shop, she’s not here. Instead, a woman that introduces herself as Sam thanks her and pats Krypto’s head when he comes sit next to her. She’s got a very firm handshake, one that actually hurts Kara’s already bruised hand. She winces but does her best to hide the pain as Sam begins to apologise profusely, cursing her strong grip. That’s when Kara notices that Sam doesn’t seem to sport any trace from yesterday’s car crash. Not even the smallest bruise.  
  
    This brief encounter leaves Kara entirely puzzled. So much that she trips twice on her way home, scrapping her hands on the gravelly path. How does one gets in a car crash and comes out without a scratch ? There aren’t many answers to this question and Kara tries not to think about it. Because if Lena’s friend is supernatural in anyway but managed to fly under the radar, Kara’s presence in Midvale could draw the DEO’s attention to her.  
  
    She’s so deep in thoughts that she doesn’t notice Alex firmly standing under the porch, arms crossed, in full DEO regalia.  
  
    "Where did you go Kara ?"  
  
    "You saw me leaving the house Alex."  
  
    "You didn’t tell me where you were going. You can’t do that ! I have reports to write. Detailed reports ! I need to know where you went !" Alex is starting to sound borderline hysteric and Kara would be worried if she weren’t so annoyed.  
  
    "I went into town. And I had breakfast with Lena. Then I walked her dog."  
  
    "Who’s Lena ?"  
  
    "Someone. I met her yesterday when I went on a walk. She owns a repair shop and likes tea. Is that enough for you Agent Danvers ?"  
  
    "Listen Kara…"  
  
    "I’m going to go up to my room now, if that’s alright with you Agent Danvers."  
  
    Kara feels like she's boiling from the inside. For Rao's sake ! This situation is so fucking fucked up. Kara storms inside the house leaving Alex, Agent Danvers, standing behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now you know where the title comes from ! Now, I'll be honest with you, this wasn't exactly how I had plan to introduce it but it works and I really like the way I did it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter because, unless things get out of hand again, the next one should be a bit darker ^^


	7. Waiting for the sun to shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eliza and Kara finally talk, Eliza is a super mum. Also Lena is super cute and Kara is a bit clueless about everything that's going on around her. Sam knows what's up. And at this point, Kara's armchair should be considered as a real character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is not a nice chapter. Apart maybe for the last third, which is kind of cute, I don't know what happened with it ><
> 
> TW : If you want to avoid the panic attack you should skip the part between : "she got used to Alex being here when she wakes up and now she's not." and "Kara honey ? Kara, it’s Eliza."  
> If you want to avoid mentions of suicidal thoughts, you should skip the part between : "But it doesn't do much to fill the gap in her chest." and " In her bedroom, Kara finds that her trusted sweatpants, that are probably in need of a good wash, have been taken away by Eliza."
> 
> The title was inspired by "Waiting for my sun to shine" by The Maine ; it's a cool song.
> 
> I suck at editing so I'm sorry ?

    Despite neither sister talking to the other for the next few days, Alex comes in Kara's bedroom every night. The moment Kara starts screaming and thrashing in her sleep, Alex appears at the door without fail. By the fourth day, she definitely sets up camp in the armchair, bringing her blanket, her pillow, and a stack of books amongst which Kara easily spots a black logbook. It takes everything she has not to mention it and let their relationship dissolve into open conflict.  
  
    However, if she doesn't mention it, Kara deliberately does nothing for an entire day so that Alex's job is as boring as can be. She imagines Alex's logs to be along the line of : Subject stared at wall for 5h today, or, Subject ate half a bowl of cereals at 3pm. The only reason she even lets Alex follow her around the house is because her own wristbands are a constant reminder that her sister could blow up at any moment.  
  
    Days pass and Kara feels herself falling into a bland routine that is not unlike her prisoner schedule at the DEO. She gets out of bed because there is light outside and she goes back to bed when it’s dark. She eats when the clock says it’s time to do so, and showers because it’s what people do. Each days, Kara can feel coldness slipping further into her bones, and no amount of blankets, sweaters and hot drinks can do anything. It's like an invisible gash has teared itself in her chest and is slowly going bigger, making it hard to breathe.  
  
    Nothing noteworthy happens ; apart from one time where Kara sneezes and leaves scorch marks on the ceiling and Alex hurries to write it down in her logbook. They progressively begin to talk again. Well, Alex does most of the talking, between significant periods of silence. She talks about Maggie, about the weather, about that one time when Kara fell from a tree and they had to explain to the whole neighbourhood how she hadn’t broken her arm ("Do you remember Kara ?" "Yes I do."), about that other time when Alex fell from a tree and Kara caught her ("Do you remember Kara ?" "Yes I do remember Alex."). Most of the time, Kara doesn’t say anything. Talking makes her feel hollow.  
  
    Be it because she still wants to annoy Alex or because she can’t bring herself to do anything, Kara doesn’t move much for the next three weeks. She doesn’t try to pick up her book again, doesn’t bake, doesn’t go further out than the fence that surrounds the house. Streaky follows her around dutifully, the way cats do with rays of sunshine. Her body and mind are in a perpetual state of exhaustion. Her nightmares are still filled with dead bodies of strangers and loved one alike, and with disembodied laughs. She awakes every night in cold sweat thinking that Alex exploded ; every time, her sister is still sitting in the armchair, alive, half asleep or not at all. But come morning, and Kara can’t bring herself to care about her terrifying nights. She opens her eyes and just sees void. There are evenings when in feels like her chest is about to burst open, or cave on itself, and she wants to be angry because it’s yet another day where she did nothing at all.  
  
    She never does get angry.  
  
    Maybe the will to fight has left her.  
  
    One morning however, Kara wakes up and Alex isn't there. Her blanket is neatly folded on the back of the chair with her black logbook on top of it and a flashy yellow post-it note that seems to be glaring at her. She extracts herself from under her own two blankets and stumbles out of bed. It’s not even 6am yet. Kara grabs the note, the logbook and wraps herself in her sister’s blanket all the while feeling really uneasy, she got used to Alex being here when she wakes up and now she's not.  
  
    Blood rush to her ears in a deafening roar.  
  
    The note reads : _Am in NC. Had to see Maggie. Will debrief with Haley. Back tomorrow at most. Love. Alex._  
  
    Her heart is trying to claw its way out of her chest.  
  
    Thick air gets stuck midway through her throat.  
  
    Her lungs seem to cave on themselves.  
  
    Something terrible is going to happen.  
  
    Kara’s knees hit the ground. She doesn’t remember falling.  
  
    She feels as if she were being pulled underwater. Her lungs don't act as they are supposed to.  
  
    She can’t breathe.  
  
    Something terrible is about to happen.  
  
    She cannot breathe.  
  
    The world is closing in on her, she feels like she’s being sucked into the Phantom Zone.  
  
    Two blurry hands appear in front of her eyes and she wills her own to defend her.  
  
    "Kara honey ? Kara, it’s Eliza."  
  
    Eliza ? She knows that name. And that voice.  
  
    "Kara honey I’m going to need you to breathe for me. Can you do that ?"  
  
    Kara nods. Or at least she thinks she does. She can hear Eliza beside her matching her raging breathing, then progressively slowing down, and after endless minutes, air finally starts working again.  
  
    "I’m going to help you up now honey. Is that okay with you ?"  
  
    Kara must nods again because Eliza’s hands are in her hands and she’s using them to push herself up on her wobbly legs. Eliza’s hands are shaking slightly as she guides her back to the bed. Part of Kara wants to take care of herself but at the same time, a smaller, quieter part of herself is calling for help. She thinks maybe she might want to listen to it.  
  
    "Maybe we should get you a weighted blanket." Eliza says, settling down in the armchair. "I’ve heard great things at the hospital and it could help you get some actual sleep."  
  
    Eliza's words feel like a reaching hand and Kara wills herself to take it. Still, she remains silent. Eliza doesn't say anything for a while either, she sits fiddling with Alex's note, terribly aware of her adoptive daughter's struggle. Kara watches her, following the movement of her fingers on the bright piece of paper until they finally still and settle, spread out on her lap. "You know Alex is coming back, right ? She just had a few things to deal with in National City but she will be back tomorrow. Maybe the two of you could talk." Kara isn’t sure if Eliza is talking to her voicing her thoughts to fight off her own worries.  
  
    "I have terrible thoughts in my head." Her voice comes out as nothing more than a dull whisper. "I have terrible thoughts in my head." Kara says again, louder. "And when I don't have any, I have nothing. I just watch myself going through my day doing nothing and nothing and nothing and I just. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's happening." She gasps for air and fears for a second that panic is going to overtake her again.    
      
    "Take your time honey."  
  
    "I did terrible things and…"  
  
    "It was not your fault Kara."  
  
    "But it was ! And I just wish Alex and you could stop saying it’s not ! I couldn’t resist kryptonite and I let anger take over my body and people could have died !" Kara aggressively brushes her hair out of her eyes and has to resist the temptation to just rip it off. "People could have died !"  
  
    "Do you really think you have any power over what kryptonite does to you ? If you plunge a human in a pool full of radioactive chemicals they die and they can't do anything about it and it’s not their fault. Kryptonite is the same for you, it’s not something you can do anything about, and it’s not your fault."  
  
    "But…"  
  
    "If anything, the DEO should have foreseen that something like this could happen and they should have done something to prevent it. They should have offered you help, support, not shipped you away so your mother could witness you tearing yourself apart."  
  
    "I wanted their help, I wanted to see an alien therapist, I wanted to get the chance to redeem myself ! But they didn’t thought I deserved it and they were right, I don’t deserve their help. I don’t deserve help."  
  
    "Of course you deserve help Kara. You went through a very traumatic experience and you deserve all the help you can to get passed it. It wasn’t you fault."  
  
    "STOP SAYING IT WASN’T MY FAULT !"  
      
    Eliza flinches and Kara immediately recoils as far as she can under the blankets ; she feels like a monster. "I’m sorry" she says in a small voice. "I didn’t mean to yell." Silence ensues for a short moment that seems to drag on for a very long time anyway.  
  
    "I knew it wasn’t going to be easy." Eliza finally says and Kara perks up, surprised as it isn't what she was expecting. "When Clark essentially abandoned you on our doorstep, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But from that day on I never ceased to see you as my own daughter and I never ceased to love you. Just as Alex. My only wish was for you to find your place in the world and I have failed you. I have failed both of my daughters when I let the two of you fell in the DEO claws. And I will live with this every day for the rest of my life. But you don't have to. You don't have to let the DEO's mess define you and break you. What happened to you is terrible. And what they did is sick. But you will always be my Supergirl. You and Alex both."  
  
    "It’s not your fault Eliza. And you haven’t failed me, you’re the best Earth mum I could have ever hoped for."  
  
    A sad smile spreads on Eliza’s face. "So you will tell me it’s not my fault but you don’t want to believe me when I say the same thing ?"  
  
    "You are not an alien that can snap people in half with her pinky. You are not at risk of killing hundreds when you throw a tantrum. Our situations are different."  
  
    "They are. But you can't bear alone the guilt of something you had no control over. I will keep on saying it's not your fault because it's not your fault Kara. And I will stay with you every step of the way until you understand that. Because I’m your mother and I love you."  
  
    "I don’t know where to start." Kara suddenly feels very small and she wants to be picked up and wrapped in cotton in a match box so that her Earth mum can keep her safe. "I don’t know how to get better."  
  
    "I don’t know either." Eliza's confession feels very real to Kara and she is grateful that she doesn't try to hide the fact that she's as lost as she is. "I don't know either. But I can still help you figure out what will help you, if you let me."  
  
    "Okay." Kara isn’t sure she can say anything more so - okay - will have to do for now.  
  
    It seems to be enough for Eliza and she offers to make her chocolate chips pancakes for breakfast and to draw her a bath. Kara manages to eat one whole pancake. It's the most she’s eaten for breakfast in a while. The bath is nice. Eliza has added bubble bath with a strong flowery scent. She feels warmer. But it doesn't do much to fill the gap in her chest. Slowly, Kara slips underwater, until the top of her head disappears under the bubbles. The sound of blood pumping through her body fills her ears and it's reassuring, in a way, to know that life is still going on. Absentmindedly, she wonders about what would happen if she stayed under water. She used to be able to hold her breath for long minutes, but now, surely, she would die. Does she want to die ? Little bubbles escape through her parted lips. She resurfaces in one swift movement, alive.  
  
    In her bedroom, Kara finds that her trusted sweatpants, that are probably in need of a good wash, have been taken away by Eliza. The contents of the pockets have been arranged on top of her Midvale High hoodie and a pair of bleached jeans that Kara hasn't seen in forever. There’s an old receipt from _Noonan’s_ , a polaroid taken at the alien bar with Alex and J’onn (what is this even doing in her pocket ?), and Lena’s paper crane. She takes the misshapen bird in her hand, Lena’s phone number is neatly written on one of the wings. If Lena hasn't forgotten about her existence or if she's not determined to avoid her forever for disappearing after promising they'd see each other again, maybe they could meet up.  
  
    It could be nice.  
  
***  
  
    When Kara makes her way into _Kieran's all-repair shop_ later for tea with Lena she's met with the sight of Sam doing what can only be described as laughing her ass off. Lena is standing in front of her workshop, with grease up to her elbows, looking thoroughly embarrassed. Between Sam's wheezes, Kara catch a few jumbled words, mainly « useless gay » and she thinks this woman would go along greatly with Alex.  
  
    "Kara Danvers !" Lena smiles. "And here I thought you'd forgotten about me !"  
  
    Kara shifts her weight, unsure about what to say except for "Hello. I hit a rough patch. I did not forget you." She then decides that she’d better shut up.  
  
    Behind her, Sam, who has finally stopped laughing, cough something that suspiciously sounds like "gay", but Kara doesn’t see how it applies to anything she just said. Maybe Sam's coughs are just very weird.  
  
    "What’s in the box ?" Lena prompts.  
  
    "Oh. Um. Scones." Kara says, extending the box toward Lena in a slightly robotic way. "I thought they would go well with your british tea."  
  
    "Not british." Lena replies. "Irish. _Barry’s Gold Blend._  Why don’t we go upstairs ? I’m sure your scones are better than store bought crap." Sam loudly coughs again. "Do you want to come up with us Sam ?"  
  
    "Oh no. I’ll let you do whatever it is you do with blonde strangers and I’ll manage your shop in the mean time."  
  
    Lena sends a furious look her way but Sam only smiles back and Kara thinks they are kinda cute friends even though she herself feel mildly uncomfortable.  
  
    Upstairs, Krypto leaps at her, he hasn't forgotten about her and it makes her happy. Lena’s flat hasn’t changed one bit since Kara was last here ; the light is the only thing that’s different, maybe because of the changing seasons, making the place even comfier.  
  
    "Krypto missed you." Lena says as she busies herself in the kitchen.  
  
    "I missed him too." Kara admits as she threads her fingers in the dog’s fur.  
  
    "We thought you’d gone back to National City."  
  
    "Oh no. I just didn’t feel much like going outside. I was in a bad place." Kara confesses in a small voice. "I’m in a bad place."  
  
    "Do you want to talk about it ?" Lena sounds unsure, like she knows that it might not be her place to ask such a question.  
  
    "Not really." Kara answers. "Not really."  
  
    She starts examining Lena's shelves, browsing through the numerous books. Her collection is impressive, and Kara wonders if she even really needs to go to the library.  
  
    "What’s your favourite book ?"  
  
    Kara jumps. She didn't hear Lena approaching behind her.  
  
    "Sorry." The brunette apologizes with a small smile. "Here." She adds, handing Kara a cup of tea. "I thought you might want to try irish tea, since you made scones to go with it."  
  
    "I made scones to go with british tea." Kara attempts to joke.  
  
    "Oh it’s not that different. Irish tea is only ten times better." Lena chuckles and Kara’s heart responds to this sound in a way that is not entirely disturbing. "So, what’s your favourite book ?"  
  
    " _The Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy_. What’s yours ?"  
  
    "Right now it’s _Carol_. But ask me again in a few days and the answer might be different."  
  
    "Why ?"  
  
    "Why is _Carol_ my favourite book or why will this change in a few days ?"  
  
    "Both ?"  
  
    "Because it’s gay and sad. And because my favourite book depends on my mood and what I’m reading at the moment."  
  
    "So you’re gay and sad ?"  
  
    "I’m gay. But I’m less sad now that I used to be. What about you ?"  
  
    "I’m pansexual." Kara takes a sip of her tea. It’s not as bad as she feared. "And depressed. I think."  
  
    "You think you’re pansexual or you think you’re depressed ?"  
  
    "I think I’m depressed. I haven’t actually said that aloud yet."  
  
    "Well that’s a start. Would you want to see a therapist ?"  
  
    "I can’t. I have…" Kara stops, pondering over how she can say what she wants to say without giving out too much. "I have special requirements."  
  
    "I get it. I think. Sometimes not everything is as inclusive as it should be."  
  
    Kara looks at her feet. She's not sure if she wants to keep pursuing this conversation. She's afraid she'll let something slip and these half-truths are making her sad. Luckily, Lena seems to pick up on her mood. "So _The hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy_ ? I think it suits you."  
  
    "Why do you think that ? I mean, how can you know ?"  
  
    "You’re both absolute UFOs."  
  
    "Oh I can’t fly !" Kara says quickly. "And books can’t either. Unless you throw them hard enough I guess."  
  
    Lena snorts in her tea in a somehow not unattractive way and Kara really hopes her panic induced answer was funny enough to divert her attention. When Lena has regained her composure, she stops for a moment, gazing at Kara over her cup, and mutters : "Flung out of space." Which is very puzzling to Kara. "I'll lend you this book sometimes." Lena adds.  
  
    They spend the rest of the afternoon siting at the coffee table spreading overcooked (according to Lena) orange marmalade on their scones and looking at art books. Knowing that Lena remembered Kara's interest in painting even after several weeks makes her heart grow twice its size. Kara is beyond trying to tone down her love for Artemisia Gentileschi when her pocket starts vibrating. She extracts her brand new phone from it with some difficulty, only three people have her number, Eliza, Alex and now Lena, and she can't help but worry that the two firsts are trying to reach her, Kara apologizes to Lena and picks up nonetheless. It’s Alex.  
  
    Kara's heart immediately plunges in her chest when all she can hear on the over side are wracking sobs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, I'm still obsessed with Carol, please forgive me.
> 
> Artemisia Gentileschi is a really cool Italian painter, in my opinion, she's way better than Caravage. 
> 
> Also, with the last chapter, this story has reached over a hundred subscriptions, I don't know how to thank you all for following it, it means a lot to me.


	8. The monster you always feared she'd be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex takes us back to where it all began

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the cliffhanger last week (well not really but you know ^^) I'm not going to give you any answers this week since this is a flashback chapter from Alex's perspective. But you'll get to learn a bit more about her relationship with Maggie and with Kara.  
> You'll recognized some of the dialogue as I took the liberty to adapt it from two episodes, 1x16 (Falling) and one episode from season 3 (I'm not going to tell you which one because that would be a spoiler).  
> (James isn't Guardian and Winn doesn't work at th DEO)  
> I apologise for any typos or errors in editing, I have sensory issues and my house was very loud today

    Mornings when her DEO phone started blaring before 6am were not Alex Danvers’ favourite kind of mornings. It meant that she didn’t get five more minutes, didn’t get infinite amount of cuddles from her fiancée, didn’t have time to go through their morning workout routine together. Mostly, it meant that someone, somewhere, was perpetrating some kind of extra-normal criminal activity at a time when normal people sleep.  
  
    Alex begrudgingly dragged herself out of bed to answer her phone and quickly agreed to meet her team on site. On those days, Alex wished she could have superspeed like her sister, so she could be dressed in a second without tripping on her tactical pants. She was ready to leave in minutes, but not without casting a long heartache inducing glance at her sleeping fiancée. It had been a while since she had been able to look at Maggie without feeling anything but sadness.  
  
    The intervention that required her expertise was becoming part of her routine in the worst possible way. Humans, armed with extraterrestrial weaponry, were attacking an alien shelter on the outskirts of town. It was the kind of situation that she had asked her sister not to deal with without her ; Kara's increasing violence toward human scum, though understandable, was becoming concerning.  
  
    Her sister swept her up before she could reach her motorcycle. It was a faster way to get there but also meant that she would have to wait for her to be available to drop her off at home again or that she'd have to call Maggie to come pick her up.  
  
    The terrorists had set fire to the shelter and were shooting at the families trying to escape. Those who could fly were being shot down from the sky, children were being shot down. It was nothing short of a war zone. Supergirl quickly set on rescuing everyone while Alex, J'onn and their team encircled the attackers, attempting to apprehend them.  
  
    These kind of operations were becoming part of the DEO’s routine. Sure, there had always been anti-aliens bigots, but outright violent attacks had only started to increase recently. In fact, Alex was sure they could be traced down to roughly the time when Lilian Luthor had been released out of prison on account of only being the mother of a terrorist and « not the secret leader of an underground organisation » - her words, not Alex’s-. Alex had always found the woman awfully shady and had been keeping an eye on the last Luthor (since one was dead, one was in prison and one had downright disappeared without trace) but her only clue in the matter were the odd Luthor Corp branded pieces here and there in weapons of alien design ; not enough to launch an investigation according to killjoy Haley.  
  
    One of the terrorists grabbed a small child, putting an imposing gun against their tiny scaled head.  
  
    "You move and the brat goes boom !"  
  
    Alex froze, her heart pounding in her chest, her own gun raised in front of her. Her body was motionless, but her mind was going a million miles an hour, calculating every possible outcome for every possible choice. She wasn’t quick enough to save the kid in 95% of her options.  
  
    But it was over in less than two seconds. Kara swooped in, disarming the attackers and kicking the gun of the one holding the child with one precise and careful burst of heat vision. She froze it mid air before it could do any damage and flew the child back to their parents. Another second and she was back next to the disarmed terrorist, kicking him down on the ground and hovering over is throat.  
  
    She looked at Alex for a reason not to do it.  
  
    After debriefing, Kara demolished two blocks of concrete in the training room. Alex wished she had the physical strength to do the same.  
  
    Given the intensity of the morning, the rest of the day was incredibly dull. Colonel Haley, who was both newly appointed at a previously non existent position above Director J’onnz and already a pain in the ass was very insistent on the need to report even the tiniest sign of aggression from aliens and so Alex was stuck monitoring the city. Since Haley’s arrival at the DEO, Alex had brought in more peaceful aliens, that had so much as dared to file a noise complain against a human neighbour, than actual dangerous individuals. Something wasn’t quite right  and though Alex had trouble understanding what, she didn’t like it.  
  
    In addition, Haley seemed intent on keeping J’onn and Alex apart from each other when they weren’t on the field and when Kara had to go back to her day job at CatCo, Alex found herself very isolated. J'onn was relegated to the training room and Haley had even taken the weird precaution of transferring Vasquez to another service. Yet, even if she was the sister of Supergirl, Kara did had the annoying habit of walking around the DEO out of her suit and it had taken Haley all of two minutes to crack them down, Alex wasn’t sure if she was after her specifically. She'd also been keeping a close eye on J'onn and even if the government had been surprisingly understanding after discovering that he was indeed an alien, probably because they could use his abilities to their advantage, Haley following him around could only spell trouble.  
  
    Haley had banned the use of personal phones during work hours but thankfully for Alex's sanity, Kara had taken to texting her on her DEO phone ; though she could only check said texts when Haley wasn't ominously breathing over her shoulder. On this particularly bad day, Kara's texts ranged from : _I burned a hole through Cat's coffee LOL ;_ to : _We’re still on for sisters’ night right ? I'll pick you up_. And included various gems like : _I got her another coffee and was still here before her so it's cool AND I GOT A FREE DONUT_ ; and : _This primitive technology sucks, I want to send you pizza emojis_. Truth be told, stuck between her Maggie conundrum and her daily struggle at the DEO, Alex had forgotten about sisters’ night, but it would be a welcome reprieve from everything that was happening in her life.  
  
***  
  
    Kara dropped seven large pizza boxes on her coffee table before flopping on her couch with a long sigh. "What a rotten day."  
  
    Alex took a long sip from her whisky. "I would have used a stronger word but that's the spirit."  
  
    "So what should we watch ? Something dark and twisty or something happy and gay ?"  
  
    "I honestly don’t know which one would make me feel worse."  
  
    "Come on Alex ! Happy movies don’t make people feel bad !"  
  
    "You’re right. They don’t make me feel bad, they make me feel like shit." Alex took a long swig before adding : "Sorry, I had a shit day, I shouldn’t take it out on you."  
  
    "You shouldn’t." Kara agreed. "And so I get to choose the movie. We’re watching _Terminator 2._ "  
  
    "Kara. I know that’s not what you want to watch."  
  
    "What are you talking about, I love that movie !"  
  
    Alex knew that Kara was lying but she decided to drop it and appreciate this small gesture of comfort from her sister. She tried to pull all her attention on the movie but really she couldn't. Her mind kept on spiraling away and not even Sarah Connor doing pull-ups in a tank top could distract her. Every time she would try to refocus, her thoughts would swim farther away from her grasp, and her heart would pound a little harder. She could feel her hands getting clammy and was trying to think of a good excuse to leave early, maybe to go for an unsupervised drink, when Kara caught on and paused the movie. Alex had hoped she could escape her sister's perspicacity but she had no such luck ; Kara always knew.  
  
    "Alex, what’s wrong ?"  
  
    "Nothing." Alex drained the rest of her glass and got up to get a refill.  
  
    "I call bullshit on this one. You've been off since last game night. This morning you froze in the middle of an intervention. And right now ? Your heart sounds like it's trying to take off. Please Alex. What is it ? Can I do anything ?"  
  
    The whisky bottle slipped from her grasp and banged loudly on the kitchen counter spilling a bit of amber liquid. Alex let out a long frustrated huff. "You can’t do anything about this."  
  
    "I won't push if you don't want to talk, you know this."  
  
    Alex slumped down on a bar stool. Her sister was looking at her in such an earnest and honest way that words escaped her mouth before she could decide if she wanted to speak or not. "Maggie doesn’t want to have kids."  
  
    "I thought that was something you guys decided together."  
  
    "No, it…" Alex let out a long sigh. "I agreed because it’s what she wanted."  
  
    "Okay." Kara paused a moment and Alex could see the gears turning in her head. "Okay. Well you guys will figure it out."  
  
    "Maggie’s not gonna change her mind. The only way that we’re gonna work through it is if I let go."  
  
    Kara seemed to understand her words weren’t enough and got up from the couch, making her way to Alex. She stopped two feet away from her, hand extended in a silent invitation for comfort. Alex nodded, and Kara crossed the remaining distance to come wrap her arms around her.  
  
    "I tried Kara. I. I love her so much that it hurts and I convinced myself that living a life with her, it was enough. And when I see kids caught in attacks, or hurt and their parents suffering, I can convince myself for a while that having kids is not a good idea but…" A barely repressed sob cut through her words. "I want all the experiences that mum had with us. You know, I want to take my kids camping and I wanna show them the constellations. I want to teach them how to read, how to throw a punch and how to make cheesy valentines." She was fully sobbing now. "And I want to hold them when they have a bad dream and I want to tell them the world’s a better place because they are in it. I want all of it. I want to be a mum. What am I going to do ? Kara, what am I going to do ?"  
  
    Kara didn’t answer and Alex was grateful because she wouldn’t have been able to handle more comforting words. Instead, she let herself be held for a long moment, until both sisters were sure that Alex’s body had exceeded its tears capacity.  
  
    Kara offered for her to stay and sleep here but Alex decided to go home, because things weren't going to get better until she could talk to Maggie. There was a fire downtown anyway and Kara decided to go see if she could help before going to bed.  
  
    When Alex slipped into her flat, all lights but the kitchen's, that they always left on when one of them had to come home late, and the bedside table's, were off, and Maggie was already asleep, her book resting upside down on her chest. Alex felt a tear rolling down her cheek and by the time she slipped under the covers, she was crying again. Maggie didn't woke up but she still rolled on her side to take Alex in her arms.  
  
***  
  
    For the second time in as many days, Alex was out the door before 6 am. She broke several driving laws and was at the DEO by 6:08.  
  
    Something was wrong with Kara.  
  
    During the night several security camera had caught Supergirl flying around the city toward various minor disasters, fires, car crashes, and then swerving off at the last moment, leaving people to fend off for themselves after thinking they were going to be rescued. It was an unusual behaviour for a hero and even more so for Kara.  
  
    Alex was going to ask why nobody had deemed important to warn her sooner when Vasquez pulled up another video, this time assorted with sound from Supergirl’s coms. The video was blurry but it clearly showed her fighting what Alex identified as a K'hund, this one in particular was a fugitive they'd been looking for for weeks. Alex didn’t know what was more surprising, the video in itself or what the audio meant. Her sister’s voice was cold, emotionless.  
  
    "Your mother…" the K’hund grunted.  
  
    "… sentenced you yo Fort Rozz, blah blah blah, ruined your life, I’ve heard the story. Wanna fight about it ?" The two figures launched themselves in a powerful brawl. But as Supergirl was about to deliver a final, possibly mortal blow she stopped. "I have defeated White Martians, Coluans and Kryptonians. You ? You’re not even worth looking at. Get out of my sight."  
  
    Alex rewinded the footage five times and still couldn't wrap her head around it. Without the accompanying audio on which she could clearly recognized her sister's voice, she would have thought it was fake.  
  
    "Her coms went down shortly after that." Agent Vasquez said as Alex was motioning for the video to be rewinded once more. "We have no idea where she went after. And there’s more. It’s in the morning news."  
  
    "Shit." Alex breathed.  
  
    "Indeed Ma’am."  
  
    "Shit shit shit." Alex forcefully rubbed her hands on her face in an effort to clear her thoughts. "Where are Director J’onnz and Colonel Haley ?"  
  
    "Director J’onnz assembled a small team to apprehend the K'hund. Colonel Haley is in the Pentagon. It's unrelated as far as we know but it would be a good thing if we could get a hold of Supergirl before Colonel Haley comes back."  
  
    "She’s not. She’s not acting like herself." Alex was trying to think faster than she could. Something was wrong with her little sister and now was not the time to panic. "Jensen ! Pull up a map of every locations Supergirl went to in the last 48 hours ! With a focus on last night. She seemed normal last night." She said the last few words under her breath as she got up from her chair and started pacing around the room. "She seemed normal last night."  
  
    "Ma’am ! We have a weird radiation signature coming from a building downtown. It looks like kryptonite but not quite. She was here last night putting out a fire."  
  
    "Assemble a team."  
  
    The radiation signature lead them to a charred down building ; one step on the wrong beam and the whole structure would collapse. It took them more time than they had to retrieve a chunk of red rock and by the time they were back to the DEO, National City was awake and freaking out about its hero. At least Cat Grant had released a statement to assert her confidence in Supergirl which Alex was grateful about.  
  
    The DEO was in complete disarray. The red rock was still in the lab without much luck in its analysis. Alex had called Winn and James who had both reported strange events at CatCo. Kara had shown up on time for work in a peculiar tight dress, using Miss Grant’s personal elevator and had then tricked a coworker into being fired. None of them had seen her since.  
  
    Alex could have kicked herself for not thinking about checking CatCo first. In fact she was going to kick herself but J'onn had stopped her.  
  
    With the K’hund secured in a cell, the events from the night before having been confirmed by the alien, and the rock under analysis, there wasn’t much to do but wait. Alex called Kara seven time on both her personal and DEO phone, they were off and untraceable. She then proceeded to wear off a path on the concrete floor before flopping down in front of the monitor staring blankly at the screens.  
  
    Then, like it tend to happen in this sort of situations, everything unfolded at the same time. Results came back from the lab at the exact moment when Agent Vasquez yelled "We have news on Supergirl's location !"  
  
    Alex jumped from her chair. "Where is she ! Did she turned her coms back on ?"  
  
    "Negative Ma'am. She's on CatCo Live."  
      
    J’onn motioned for the live feed to be pull up on the monitor and a unfocused shot of Supergirl spread itself on the screens she was moving her lips but no sound was following. In the background Cat Grant's voice could be heard. "Are we broadcasting live ? IT guy ? Are we live ?"  
  
    Another voice joined Cat Grant’s and Alex recognised Winn’s. "We’re live Miss Grant."  
  
    The camera shook as it followed Supergirl marching toward Miss Grant who was trying her best to look unfazed. "… branded me in the media as a girl scout. ‘Supergirl is brave kind and strong.’ Isn’t that kind of a stock characterization ? Very two dimensional. Everyone knows real people have a dark side."  
  
    "Yes but you don’t get to be a real person. You’re a superhero. You get to represent all the goodness in the world."  
  
    "Yeah well I’m sick of it ! And you know what else I’m sick off ?" Supergirl paused to turn toward the camera. "Enabling all of you in your victimhood. ‘Oh well my building’s burning down. La-di-dah. Supergirl will just swoop in and save the day !’ Well get used to the flames people. ‘Cause I quit."  
  
    The screens went black just as her fist was about to connect with the camera and the sudden darkness was followed by a high pitch scream.  
  
    "Did she just killed Cat Grant ?" a voice asked behind Alex.  
  
    "I want a team there now !" J’onn ordered. "Not you Agent Danvers." He added as Alex started frantically checking her gear. "You’re staying here and you’re tracking down whoever is behind this."  
  
    "This is my sister ! She needs my help !" _I need to help her_ , was what Alex was thinking.  
  
    "That’s exactly what I mean. This is too sensitive for you and we can’t allow anything to go wrong. Find out who did this. That’s how you’re going to help her Alex, not by rushing on the field."  
  
    "I… okay."  
  
    Before J’onn and the team were even on their way, Alex was at her desk surrounded by the entire laboratory team. "Okay ! I need as many brains on this as we can spare !" she said, spreading the analysis from the red rock in front of them. "So this looks like kryptonite, radiation signature is roughly the same, and it seems to affect Supergirl and only Supergirl. But, we only found one chunk of this Red Kryptonite. Any idea on how it got here ?"  
  
    "Someone planted it here ? Maybe it’s manmade ?"  
  
    "Good thinking. Now if it is manmade maybe we can track down singular elements that you broke down in the analysis and trace them back to the place they were assembled."  
  
    Someone chuckled in the background. "My bet is on an abandoned warehouse."  
  
    "Is this a joke to you Agent Jensen ?!" Alex roared.  
  
    "No Ma’am."  
  
    "Then everybody pick an element and get on it. Now !"  
      
    Alex’s head was starting to pound and she was well in need of pain killers. But she needed to keep it clear, for her sister, even if that meant it was going to explode. The rushing of blood in her ears sounded like a ticking doomsday clock and Alex had to remind herself to breathe.  
  
    "We have a lead ! Um. It’s coming from Lord Technologies ?"  
  
    "Maxwell Lord ?" Alex pondered for a split second "Okay ! We're assembling a team and going in ! We’re getting that bastard."  
  
    "You’re not doing anything Agent Danvers."  
  
    Alex revolved on her chair, cold suddenly washing over her. "Colonel Haley ? I thought you were in Washington ?"  
  
    "So you thought my absence would give you the right to tear this city apart and attack innocent citizens for a rogue alien ?"  
  
    "We’re talking about Supergirl ! And Lord clearly isn’t innocent. We tracked the Red Kryptonite back to his building !"  
  
    "In my defense, I didn’t know she’d be affected by the synthetic K this way. I was just researching ways of protecting ourselves if things were to go south with the Supers." Lord said as he emerged from behind Colonel Haley, raising his hands in a slow deliberately taunting way when Alex unsheathed her gun at lightning speed.  
  
    "So you just thought it would what ? Kill her ?"  
  
    "Lower your weapon Agent Danvers, I won’t ask you twice." Haley said coldly.  
  
    Alex hesitated a bit too long, glaring at Maxwell Lord, and Haley noticed. In the back of her mind, Alex had the fleeting feeling that she was screwed, but she couldn't bring herself to care.  
  
    "Maybe I can create an antidote." Lord said, his hands still half raised mockingly.  
  
    "You better hope so. Because you just turned Supergirl into the monster you always feared she’d be."  
  
***  
  
    Kara's flat was plunged in the dark. Which admittedly was ridiculous, her sister had an complete arsenal of powers that would alert her of her presence lights on or off. That is if she even decided to come. Alex had called her three more times and left one message. She had the nagging feeling that she had to get to Kara before Haley could.  
  
    J'onn's team hadn't managed to find her. When they had arrived at CatCo, she was already gone. As it turned out, Cat Grand was very much alive, and already back in front of the camera. Supergirl had "only" dropped her before catching her a few feet short of he ground. But in addition to the live broadcast of her anger outburst, now playing on loop, several video clip from passerbys had been retweeted thousands of times and if anyone in the country was unaware that something was wrong with Supergirl they probably lived under a rock.  
  
    Alex felt a great whoosh of air and suddenly Kara was standing in front of her, only visible to her human eyes thanks to the light coming from the street lamps. She uselessly tried to hide the giant gun containing the antidote behind her back.  
  
    "Whatcha gonna do with that ?" Kara sneered. "Shoot me ? I'd like to see you try."  
  
    Alex raised the gun, undoing its complex safety lock. Her hands were shaking and it had nothing to do with the weight of the weapon.  
  
    "You wouldn’t dare." Kara scoffed. "You don’t have the guts. You don’t even have the guts to talk to your fiancée. Or is it ex fiancée now ?"  
  
    Alex hesitated a second too long before pressing the trigger. Too late. The gun was out of her hands and through the busted window and Kara had grabbed her by the front of her uniform, raising her to eye level. She felt a bit of glass cut her cheek.  
  
    Up close she could see that Kara had switched her suit for a form fitting black ensemble.  
  
    "Look ! I picked my own outfit without any fashion advice from you. All these years you’ve forced those dowdy sweaters and skirts on me ! Trying to cloak my beauty so I don’t outshine yours." Kara turned her head at superspeed and sent a burst of heat vision toward her clothes rack. It happened so fast that Alex would have though she’d imagined it if the flat wasn’t on fire. "I needed a wardrobe overhaul." Her body shook with a loud empty laugh.  
  
    "Kara this isn’t you !"  
  
    "Ooh. I’m more me that I’ve ever been. You don’t know me, sister."  
  
    "Please listen." Alex pleaded. "You were exposed to Red Kryptonite. It’s altered your brain. You’re not seeing clearly."  
  
    "Oh, I see clearly! I see how you've always been jealous of me! You didn't want me to come out as Supergirl because you didn't want me to own my powers. I can fly. I can catch bullets with my bare hands. And that makes you feel worthless." Kara took off out the window, still holding Alex by her collar.  
  
    "No. No, I'm proud of you Kara !" Alex yelled to make herself heard over the wind.  
  
    "And when you couldn't stop me being Supergirl, you got me to work for you. To retain some control ! Those days are so over. I am finally free of you, and I'm ready to soar." Kara came to a sudden halt, hovering in the night sky. "Look at that city." she scoffed "They worship me. And those who don't, will."  
  
    "Kara just listen to yourself !"  
  
    "Cut the big sister act, Agent Danvers. We’ve never been sisters. We don’t share the same blood. We’re not family. I don’t have a family." Supergirl dropped Alex several feet straight into a dumpster. "And you know what the sad truth is ? Without me, you have no life. And that kills you. You’re only in the DEO because they wanted to get to me through your insignificant self. That’s why you cling to Detective Sawyer so hard, because that’s the only life you have.  Aww, did I make you cry ? You know what they say. The truth hurts."  
  
    Alex raised her hands to her face, indeed, tears had started to wash off the blood on her cheek.  
  
    "Kara please… Let me help you…"  
  
    "I don’t want your help Agent Danvers."  
  
    "SUPERGIRL. FREEZE."  
  
    DEO agents started dropping from helicopters to surround them, a blinding beam of light forced Alex to shield her eyes but she had time to see J'onn in all is Martian Manhunter glory landing behind her sister. Supergirl turned around slowly, raising her hands in surrender  before running to J’onn at full speed sending him sprawling several feet away.  
  
    Alex took the opportunity to roll out of the dumpster, grabbing the antidote gun that a masked agent threw her way in one swift movement. Supergirl was already on J’onn and her fist connected with his face in a sickening crack.  
  
    "The DEO, always on time to ruin the fun."  
  
    "Kara don’t ! They’re here to help !"  
  
    "Doesn’t look like help to me." She grabbed a broken lamppost and swirled it around, causing several agents to collapse upon impact. She released it when it aligned with Alex who had to quickly jump aside to narrowly avoid it.  
  
    J'onn jumped on her from behind and both aliens went flying through a building before the Martian came back into Alex's view, dragging Supergirl by her cape. But as Alex was arming the gun, Kara spun in the air and delivered a powerful blow to J'onn stomach causing him to release the cape. She followed with a quick jab to the throat that he avoided and the two of them began trading blow at inhuman speed. Alex was doing what she could to follow them with the gun but she was afraid to shoot without a clear aim unsure of what the gun would do to someone that wasn’t Kryptonian.  
  
    Most of the DEO agents were running uselessly like a bunch of headless chickens and Alex knew she couldn't count on their help. She was on her own. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down to no avail and raised the gun once more. She aligned it with her sister and pulled the trigger.  
  
    The gun sparked to life sending a burst of light toward Kara at the same time as J'onn was delivering a bone breaking blow to her face.  
  
    Her sister met the ground with the force of thunder.  
  
    Alex dropped the burning gun and started running toward her sister. She leaped over two DEO agents, a collapsed lamppost, chunk of cracked concrete. She fell, thrice, scraping her knees and hands and twisting her ankle.  
  
    But Colonel Haley got to Kara before her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The episode was of course 3x04 (The Faithful), PLEASE DON'T HATE ME.  
> I hope this helped shade some light over the timeline and my own adjustment to canon and I'll see all of you soon with a new chapter that picks up where we left last week


	9. Be happy that you do feel something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara and Alex FINALLY talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super late so I'm sorry ? Last week was a bit busy, I met Hayley Kiyoko at her show in Paris and it was amazing, I had a work meeting and then a 36h mission and had to deal with my sensory processing issues more than usual because there's construction work going on in my residence (but I got to see a cement mixer in action which was kinda cool). Anyway, enough about me, this chapter is kinda dialogue heavy and rounds up the first part of the story, we will then move deeper into certain issues and further into Kara and Lena's relationship.
> 
> Title is from "Feel" by Selah Sue

    The low hum of the car has finally lulled Alex to sleep. Kara casts glances to her sister every few minutes, sometimes reaching her hand to adjust the plaid that keeps on slipping from her shoulders. The going journey had only taken her four hours ; she'd driven most of it above the speed limit only to be lightly scolded by Alex upon arrival for endangering herself. She's driving slower now, because admittedly she's not the best driver (she used to favour flying) and the headlights from oncoming cars keep on blinding her. She fumbles for a bit with the radio until jazz fills the car, low enough not to wake Alex up but sufficient to keep her awake.  
  
    Alex starts stirring anyway after they pass a loud honking truck, its headlight briefly illuminating her pallid face.  
  
    "Where are we ?" Her voice sounds small and hoarse. She sighs, stretches, and wraps the blanket tighter around herself.  
  
    "We just bypassed L.A. We should be home in four, five hours maybe."  
  
    "We should switch. You've been driving for too long."  
  
    "I’m okay. You should rest."  
  
    Alex doesn't protest much which is unusual for her. From the corner of her eye, Kara sees her fiddling with her hands, stopping abruptly when she meets the spot where her engagement ring used to be. She reaches out to turn the radio louder, Billie Holiday sings _No Regrets_.  
  
    They stop around 3am in a rest stop outside of Bakersfield. They always stop here to cut the drive in half and Kara hopes that Alex will find the familiarity of the place comforting. After hours of driving, the glow of the 24/7 store is more alluring that it should be and the two sisters unfold from the car and stagger toward it.  
  
    Under the neon lights, Alex looks even worse than when Kara picked her up from the sidewalk a few hours ago ; her eyes are red and puffy, her skin drab and worryingly pale. She wanders down the aisles picking up snacks and putting them right back. She apathetically stares at a vegan chocolate bar for so long that Kara fears she's going to grow roots and stay here forever. When she finally reaches her at one of the high-top tables, Kara wordlessly slides her a cup of « soul sucking » coffee that she accepts with an emotionless smile. They drink in silence, the occasional sound of a styrofoam cup hitting a plastic countertop drowned by the mixed buzz of fridges and neon lights.  
  
    The white noise of the store is soon replaced by the slight hum of the car ; neither sisters turn the radio back on. Alex rests her head against the window, the blanket tucked under her chin. When passing cars briefly illuminate the inside of theirs, Kara can see she's crying quietly, tears glistening on her cheeks. She chooses to let her sister have this moment of silent grieving for her relationship and doesn't pull on the side of the road until Alex breaks down into full sobs.  
  
    Kara clumsily unbuckles both of their seat belts and reaches to take her sister in her arms. Alex shrinks on herself, folding up against her sister her wracking sobs shaking both their bodies. With each of her sister's rattled breath, Kara's heart breaks a little bit more and for the first time in a long long time, she sends a prayer to Rao, wherever her lost god is now, for him to protect her sister.  
  
    After a while, Alex gently pushes Kara away and straighten up self consciously. "God, I’m pathetic."  
  
    "No you’re not Alex !" Kara exclaims. "You’re heartbroken."  
  
    "I’m suppose to be here for you. You’re going through a rough time and I shouldn’t let my feelings get in the way of my sister duty."  
  
    "Are you serious right now ?!" If it wasn’t dangerous, and if she still could, Kara would heat vision her just to get her point across.  
  
    "You’re my little sister and you need me…" Alex whispers as she slowly curls on herself again.  
  
    "That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have feelings… And I’m sorry if I ever let you think that my problems meant that you had to bury yours. I'm sorry that you had to go through this alone because of me and that I haven't been considerate enough with you."  
  
    "Maggie and I breaking up have nothing to do with you Kara."  
  
    "But I kinda let you down…"  
      
    "Yeah. Yeah you kinda did." Alex admits softly. It should be heartbreaking to Kara, but instead she feels relieved  because for once, nobody’s trying to spare her feelings.  
  
    "Let me be your big sister." Alex raises her head confusedly at Kara’s words. "I mean, technically, I’m older than you, so let me be your big sister for a while. Let me take care of you until you can take care of yourself again. You are allowed to feel heartbroken and you don’t have to hide it."  
  
    "I guess I just thought it would be easier to push it away and take care of you instead. And maybe in the mean time my relationship with Maggie would fix itself and things would be alright. But now things are not alright. I’m not fine, you’re not fine, Maggie is gone and it hurts. Kara it hurts so fucking much. It’s like, it’s like my heart’s been switched for a thousand pound ice block and I…" Alex takes several long shaky breaths, trying to find solace in her sister's hand rubbing up and down her arm. "I can’t help but think that it’s something we should have discussed before, I mean, we were together for two years and it never once came up, I just asked her to marry me and assumed she’d want the same thing than me."  
  
    "She didn’t asked what you wanted either, it’s not all on you Alex."  
  
    "But I should have thought about it ! Who doesn’t think about this sort of things ?!"  
  
    "Someone who’s in love and hopeful. And you can’t see it now, but someday you’ll understand and maybe you’ll stop blaming yourself." Kara nearly cringes at the cheesiness of her words of comfort.  
  
    "I thought she was it you know." Alex says in the smallest of voices. "I thought she was my endgame. Life before coming out was so… I was constantly repressed. And when I met Maggie it was like I was really breathing for the first time… Then you came out as Supergirl, and I got promoted at the DEO and things were even better. I thought this would be forever, I thought this would be my life…"  
  
    "And now all of this is gone…" Kara whispers. And it’s the first time since she fell out of grace that she really realises that her sister’s life changed as much as hers did. That the person she’s been pushing away again and again might be the only one who can get her through this and that she herself might be the only one who can get Alex through her own hardships. They have a lot to talk about but Alex is right, and life will never be the same again and maybe it's time for Kara to raise her head to look in the eye whatever is coming for them. "It’s gonna be alright." she says. "I don’t know when, but it’s gonna be alright."  
  
    When light starts blooming on the horizon, Kara puts the car into motion again, shifting the gear with more ease than she has the whole time she's been driving.  
  
***  
  
    By the time they reach Midvale, the sky is blushing and Alex has eaten half a Snicker bar stored in the glove box for safe keeping. It’s during moment like this, when they drive on the cliffs and the apricot sky reflects in the water, the scent of sea salt drifting through the rolled down windows, that Kara understand most why Eliza and Jeremiah chose this town to build their life together.  
  
    Alex is lost in thoughts, and once Kara has turned off the car, seagulls and slow waves are the only things breaking the morning silence. Kara takes a moment to piece together her shattered bravery before turning towards her sister ; "How about we clear the air between us ? Talk about all the hard stuff and see if it's easier to breathe ? Then we can bribe Eliza into making pancakes for us or I can give you a boost through the window if you want to go to sleep."  
  
    "That’s a good idea." Alex says softly.  
  
    "Yeah. I have those from time to time." Kara half jokes. She tries to still her fidgety hands, but they seem to have a mind of their own. "So. I said some things, and I think we need to talk about it. I’m not really sure where to start though."  
  
    "Did you meant what you told me ? When you were not entirely yourself ?"  
  
    "Yeah. I did." Kara whispers, her voice so low that for a moment she thinks Alex didn’t hear her. And then her sister’s face falls. "I mean, some part of it I did. And that’s not how I should have said it but I guess I internalised a lot of stuff and it came out wrong…"  
  
    Alex stays quiet, her body oddly still but her face home to a myriad of emotions, at least from what Kara can see from the side. At last, when Kara is about to add something, anything, Alex schools her features and says in a strangled voice : "How would you say those things to me now ? Without Kryptonite speaking for you ?"  
  
    "You don’t have to stay calm. I can see you, you know ? And if you’re angry at me or anything you can say it…"  
  
    "I’m not angry at you. Not now, and I wasn’t back then either. I mean, I’m a bit sad, but I know you would have done things differently, given the choice. And I know life on Earth isn’t always easy for you and that we haven’t always had the best relationship. We should have had this conversation a long time ago."  
  
    "Yeah. Us Danvers sisters are not great at this." Kara chuckles sadly, then sighs, causing Alex to finally turn to look at her. "It’s just, Earth sucks sometimes, you know ? I miss my parents, I miss the life I would have had on my planet, I had plans, friends I left behind, things I wanted to do and I never will." Kara stops, unsure if she’s still talking about Krypton. "I feel selfish sometimes. Because I got away, I survived and I got to have a life somewhere else, I got to have a new family, new friends. And still, I miss Krypton…"  
  
    "You’re allowed to miss Krypton. And nobody's telling you not to. I know we could never replace what you had and that's not what I want to do anyway."  
  
    "I didn’t had a sister on Krypton. And I love having a sister, I love having you in my life ! You made everything here so much easier for me and I wish I wouldn't have pinned all my crap on you. The thing is, you’re so tied to everything I have on this planet than when I got angry, you looked like the problem to me. And it’s really scary." Alex's hand comes rest on her wrist, above her bracelet, and Kara realises she's been relentlessly picking at a loose thread on her jeans. She can feel her wild pulse against her sister's fingers. "I wanted to fit in so badly, to seem normal and unassuming and somehow I ended up resenting you for helping me with that."  
  
    "I should have noticed all of that… I mean, I had a feeling from time to time that there was something off but…"  
  
    "… but I was good at throwing you off my trail. Happy-go-lucky Kara Danvers ! I had to protect you ! I had to protect our family… I hid my powers for that, I hid my sexuality, my above average body, all so that what happened to Jeremiah wouldn't happen to you or to Eliza. And it ate away at me."  
      
    "You should have told me all of that."  
      
    "I didn’t wanted to have this conversation ! I didn’t wanted to be a burden anymore than I already was ! I wanted to be normal so that you could have a good life. But I somehow ended up stealing your thunder all the time. You got recruited by the DEO, I became Supergirl, you came out as gay, I came out as pansexual. Because suddenly, you were unknowingly opening all these doors for me, and the world was full of opportunities for me again, just like on Krypton." Kara takes a deep breath, slowly turning her hand so she can thread her fingers with Alex’s, looking for courage anywhere she can. "But it was at your expense. And I felt guilty about it."  
  
    "I don’t blame you for any of this Kara, if anything I…"  
  
    "… but I blamed myself ! I was mad at myself ! I am mad at myself for bringing all of this to you. And for wanting more than what I already have. I’m alive, that should be enough !" Kara feels Alex wincing and she forces her fingers to uncurl one by one from her sister’s already bruising hand. "Sorry."  
  
    "It’s okay. I’ll ask mum to ice it later." Alex readjusts her grip on Kara’s hand and squeezes lightly, prompting her to keep talking.  
  
    "Red Kryptonite unlocked all the things I didn’t want to talk about, and I had no control over how I was saying it. I was locked in my own head, I could see myself doing things, and I could hear myself speaking and it was horrible because I don’t want to be that person." Kara screws her eyes shut and shakes her head trying to will away the thoughts that are invading her mind. "But I am. I am that person."  
  
    "No you’re not. It may be a part of who you are, I understand that better now, but it’s not all of who you are. Kara Zor-El Danvers is one part anger, okay. But she’s also one part kindness, and one part selflessness, one part pain, and one part joy. You are not just one thing Kara, and it’s not just one thing that defines you. And I’d rather die than let you think that."  
  
    These are the words that Kara has been unconsciously waiting for since DEO agents dragged her out of her cell and shipped her to Midvale. Not "it’s not your fault" or "you’re a hero, you’re all white, no grey areas" ; but this, "your anger is part of you, but it’s not all of you."  
  
    "I forget this all the time… That I can be happy and sad at the same time. That I’m allowed to be angry and still be a hero… Well I guess I’m not a hero anymore but…"  
  
    "Oh fuck that Kara ! You’ll always be Supergirl ! Come on ! Vasquez’s Super boxers were picking from under her track pants and I saw no less that seven little girls still carrying Supergirl backpacks when I was in National City. They were bringing in prisoners when I came in the DEO and one of them yelled 'Long live Supergirl !' People still have your back ! I have your back Kara."  
  
    "Won’t the DEO blow you up for saying this ?"  
  
    "Fuck it ! I’m tired of being scared about this ! What they don’t know can’t hurt us. They could blow me up, poison you to death at any time, how fucking sick is that ? They’re fucking twisted. I volunteered to monitor you because I thought I could protect you. But all it did was pushing us apart because I had to spy on you. You were suffering, you are suffering right now and I didn’t know what to do because I put myself in a position where I wasn’t the one you needed… I went back to the DEO to ask for an alien therapist to be brought in Midvale. Haley said no. I asked if we could do something about your Kryptonite bracelets. Haley said no. She doesn’t care, she just want you out of her way. And I’m the perfect person to do that, because I’ll do anything to keep you out of her way if that keeps you alive…" Alex started her rant in a powerful angry way, but her voice is now small and heartbreaking and Kara has to refrain from casting a sideway glance to check it still is her sister. "I’m sorry I put you through this, I was trying to protect you…"  
  
    "I owe you my life."  
  
    "But I didn’t asked for your opinion, I didn’t asked if you wanted to be saved ! I did it because I couldn’t bear the idea of being without you, and it was selfish."  
  
    "I would have done anything to save you too." Kara shuffles on her seat until she’s half sitting on the gear shifter and tugs at Alex so she can rests her head on her shoulder. "I’m really sorry about all this mess. Can we, can we agree to talk about things from now on ?"  
  
    "That would be wise." Alex takes a deep breath and extracts her hand from Kara's so she can nervously fiddle with her fingers. "I guess I should let you in on my side investigation then. I took some files from the DEO and… Okay, what do you know about the Luthors ?"  
  
    Kara straightens up, surprised, a spark of anger lighting up at the back of her head at the mention of this name. "Apart from the fact that the son destroyed an entire city to kill my cousin and then participated in a government project to poison me ? Not much."  
  
    "I tried to keep this under wrap because Haley doesn’t agree with me snooping in but I think I should tell you about it now and then we can leave this car to get breakfast with absolutely no secrets."  
  
    "I’m listening." Kara says cautiously.  
  
    "So since Lionel Luthor died, there are three Luthors left, or I guess two and a half since one of them, the daughter, went completely under the radar, nobody knows where she is and J’onn cleared her out so I don’t care. Lex is in prison, maximum security. But the mother, Lillian, is shady as hell and I think she’s mixed up with something. Terrorist attacks against aliens increased after she was released of prison. And I found several Luthor Corp’s pieces in the guns used during these attacks. Lillian Luthor is the only one with access to this technology but Haley doesn’t want to hear me out and God knows what happened to J’onn…"  
  
    "Why didn’t you told me sooner ? We could have looked into it together."  
  
    Alex sighs, and Kara knows what she’s going to say before she even opens her mouth ; "I was afraid you’d do something harsh…"  
  
    "You’re probably right." Kara’s words surprise even herself but she knows that Alex is right. Kara’s relationship with the Luthors is complicated, even without Lex legally poisoning her, because what he did in fear of Kal was terrible ; and given her state of mind regarding the attacks, Alex was right to be careful. "But thanks for telling me know. Do you think we can do anything about it know ? We don’t have access to anything."  
  
    "I took some of my old files from the DEO, I was hoping we could work on them together."  
  
    "And if the DEO finds out and blow us up ?"  
  
    "It’s not like people trying to blow us up has ever stopped us from doing something before, right ?"  
  
    Alex chuckles and despite herself, Kara can feel her face stretching in an amused smile. It would be nice, to work with Alex again and not against her. She wants to be hopeful, and to believe that the future can still hold numerous adventures for her ; and that like when her mum saved her on Krypton and opened a new word for her, Alex saving her will open new possibilities. Though there still is this nagging pit in her stomach holding her back, screaming at her that something bad is about to happen, she also feels like she's been living with Damocles's sword above her head since she woke up with Kryptonite coursing through her body and maybe she can trust her sister on this and take a leap of faith with her.  
  
    Her voice wavers a little when she speaks, but she means every words she says :"Danvers sisters against the world."  
  
    Alex’s smile is fragile, broken, just as her own, but it’s still here and it makes Kara want to pick up all her pieces to build herself back up again so her sister can lean on her all she need. And also for herself, she wants to piece herself together for herself too.  
  
    Alex unlocks the door and steps out of the car. Eliza is waiting for them and the scent of pancake reaches them. Just before crossing the threshold, Alex blindly reaches out behind her for Kara's hand and squeezes it, _Danvers sisters against the world._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, I spent two hours on google maps for this chapter -_-  
> I hope it was worth the wait (I honestly don't know how to feel about it ^^) and I'll see you soonish as we move into the second part of the story


	10. A life to rewrite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let me introduce you to Kara and Lena's two best friends : secrets and lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the begining of what I'd call part 2 of this story. I hope I managed to set the tone right
> 
> Title is from "The Future is Now" by Starset

    Pain is a new constant in Kara's life. When she gets up in the morning, her body is dully aching like she'd went on a run the day before without stretching properly, and by the time she goes to bed she often feels like her skin is barely holding her muscles and bones together. When she's not fitfully sleeping, she tosses and turns relentlessly, trying to find a position that doesn't make her want to dismantle her own body. It takes her two days to fully recover from her trip to National City and the endless hours of driving. If her mind is lighter because Alex and her finally talked, her body is runned down and sore, and on some mornings she can't help but notice that her veins look a bit greenish, which adds a layer of hazy paranoia to everything.  
  
    Despite spending most of the day napping on the couch, Alex still goes to bed early on the first night. This time, it's Kara who joins her, when her quiet sobs disturb the stillness of the house. She slips wordlessly into the dark room and sits on the bed above the covers, with her back against the headboard, ready to leave at Alex's will. But her sister wants her to stay, and from then on this is how they do it ; the first sibling to go to bed is joined by the other and they fall asleep with their backs touching, the presence of the other soothing, but not suffocating. At first, Kara is afraid that she's going to keep Alex from getting the sleep she needs, with her nightmares and unrelenting physical pain, but when she sees her sister rubbing her chest as if to jump start her heart, she knows that the dark circles under her eyes are not entirely her fault.  
  
    Alex is much quicker than her with unpacking the boxes she brought back with her. A picture of Kara laughing, that has been torn in half to remove Maggie, finds its place on the bedside table, her clothes fill two third of a dresser, some of the thing she used to wear being her ex-fiancée's, books make their home on the olds shelves, a chipped mug finds its way to the desk, and one night, Kara notices that Alex's childhood nightlight has resumed its service.  
  
    This prompts Kara to, finally, go through her own boxes. She doesn't have many clothes, having burned most of them, and so apart from a few t-shirts that were in the laundry room and escaped the fiasco, and old clothes from her teen years, her closet is mostly empty. A painting of Krypton is hanged above the bed, mostly straight, and with a lot of help from Eliza. She pins the polaroid featuring J'onn and Alex on the board above her desk, cleared from leftover high school notes. The books she purchased in National City make their way on her already packed bookshelves with some difficulty and she resigns herself to just stacking some of them on the ground. Ultimately, the boxes are folded and put away under the bed and a stained easel takes their place. Seeing the remains of her city life mixed with her Earth childhood doesn't hurt as much as she thought it would.  
  
    Unboxing leaves her exhausted in a different way than the fatigue she's come to associate with Kryptonite. Her body aches in a healthier way and that night, she manages to sleep for four hours straight before waking up screaming, clawing the air after a corpse which looks a lot like Lena. She can feel Alex stirring beside her, reaching for the light switch to illuminate an otherwise dark frightening room. As her sister rubs comforting circles on her shaking back, Kara considers investing in her own nightlight. She used to like sleeping in a pitch dark bedroom, her enhanced vision requesting it to be able to rest without focusing anxiously on every ray of light, but now, in that short moment between sleep and consciousness, the complete darkness blends in with her nightmares and the lack of light is fuel to terrible visions.  
  
    On the next week-end, Eliza takes her girls shopping. It's a bit of a drive to the next town over and Eliza turns the radio on to some forgotten pop songs. Even Alex sings along, albeit begrudgingly. Shopping in itself is excruciating. Kara feels like she's been dragged thirteen years in the past, new to Earth and struggling to control her powers. The crowd is too loud, the lights are too bright, the tags are itchy, everything that isn't a 100% cotton feels like chainmail. She tries to make herself tiny and unseen between the too close clothes racks, leaves Eliza to deal with salespersons so she doesn't have to hear the sound of her own voice, and stays in changing rooms longer than necessary, searching for peace and quiet. They end the day with ice cream, like when they were kids, but it's not as comforting as it used to be.  
  
    But to be honest, nothing in her life is as it used to be.  
  
***  
  
    Kara doesn’t wear her best new sweater to go see Lena, no, that would be ridiculous. She wears her second best. Eliza removed all the tags from her new clothes and the fabric feels comfortable on her skin. She had to size up most of her new long sleeved tops so that they don’t get caught around her wristbands and with the hems of the sweater going past her hands she could almost forget the Kryptonite bracelets, if her muscles didn't tense painfully with every move. Standing in front of the mirror, she flaps her sweater paws around for a while ; it’s a little bit funny. The jeans she’s wearing are also new, they’re the correct size, and she looks damn good in them, not that it matters, she’s only meeting with Lena.  
  
    Before she leaves, Kara’s got one thing to do. She falters slightly in front of Alex's bedroom before gently knocking and opening the door at the muffled approbation. Her sister's door used to always be left ajar, a silent invitation to talk, but since coming back from National City, it's always closed, unless she's waiting for Kara to go to bed.  
  
    "Hey." Kara says, poking her head through the door frame. "I’m gonna head into town. I’m meeting with Lena, you know, the girl from the repair shop. We’re gonna go to the library. You can put it in your logbook."  
  
    "Can you come in for a minute ?" Alex asks hesitantly, putting down the book she must have been reading before Kara came in. She motions for her desk. "Can you grab my logbook please ?"  
  
    Despite being the one who suggested she writes in it, Kara can’t help but feel sick at the idea of going anywhere near the physical representation of her sister monitoring her every moves. Nonetheless, she picks it up, and opens it when Alex gestures for her to do so.  
  
    The current date is empty. And the day before. And the day before also. The last formal entry dates back to the day Kara stormed into the house after Alex asked her about her whereabouts. Here or there are doodles of the house of El's crest and scribbles about things to look up online, about depression, panic attacks, PTSD, survivor's guilt. Her sister has done nothing but look out for her and worry about her.  
  
    Alex truly has had her back from the very beginning.  
  
    Kara opens and closes her mouth several times before she manages to articulate a semblance of sentence. "The DEO ? If Haley finds out you'd be in trouble…"  
  
    "I send her a message every day. And she asks for explanation when your wristbands registers a power surge. But that’s all. She's creepily happy about the fact that you're not doing great and I'm not going to fuel that more than I have to. I report everyday to tell her that there’s no change, that you show no sign of rebellion, that you’re not looking for a way to use your powers. There’s no point in following you around."  
  
    "Are you sure you’re not gonna get in trouble…?"  
  
    "I’m sure. I’m doing what I’m told, I’m just not doing more than what I’m told. But if Haley asks for more, we’ll figure something out. Together. As sisters. Not as prisoner and jailer."  
  
    "Thank you Alex."  
  
    "You don’t have to thank me. Your life’s been turned upside down, you’re allowed to have friends and privacy."  
  
    "Your life’s been turned upside down too." Kara fires back, but Alex just shrugs. "Do you want to come with me ? I’m sure Lena wouldn’t mind."  
  
    "Maybe another time. I’m gonna stay in and finish this great book."  
  
    "That you totally haven’t read a hundred time already." Kara grins tauntily.  
  
    "Hey ! _Harry Potter_ is a great series you jackass !" Alex takes the bait and shouts back with a laugh. It's all that Kara wants.  
  
***  
  
    Kara hasn’t walked the path to town that often since she came back to Midvale, but it’s already starting to look familiar again. The Danvers’ house is situated in a less populated area of the town which was great when Kara was still getting used to having powers on an alien planet. The road that pass in front of the house goes from the town center through the woods to Midvale High. Kara doesn’t usually walk on the road, instead, she crosses it to take the path on the other side that goes from the cliffs to the beach.  The coastline is clear today, the blue sky seemingly spreading endlessly. The scent of salt and seaweed reaches her nose and if she were to try and push her sense of smell harder, she would be able to distinguish the peculiar scent of leaves turning brown. Without power dampeners, she could.  
  
    Lena is waiting for her in front of the library. A huge grin breaks on her face when she spots the blonde silhouette making her way towards her and Kara doesn't know what to make of it. Not counting their chance encounter on the beach, this is only the third time they see each other but Lena already has a way of lighting up around her that's both heartwarming and a bit disconcerting to Kara. She thinks it would be good to have a friend here in Midvale. The question being : does she deserves to have friends ? Though, when she greets Lena she can feel a genuine smile stretching on her own face.  
  
    The library is not much different from the last time Kara borrowed a book from it, during her last summer before college. Same bookshelves, same neon lights, she even spots the table at the very back where she used to study because it was quieter. Only the old armchairs are gone, replaced by colourful bean bags ; and Jen, who isn't working part time at the front desk anymore, but that's a given, she died in Metropolis. Kara doesn't tell Lena this, the other girl looks too happy to help her get reacquainted with her childhood town for her to crush her joy. Instead, she lets herself be guided to the bean bags by Lena who marvels at how close the library is to her home, whereas in Metropolis, she had to choose between getting stuck in traffic or taking two buses every time she wanted to borrow a book.  
  
    "Wait." Kara  says, stopping mid step and half tripping on her feet. "You used to live in Metropolis ?"  
  
    Lena turns around so fast that Kara nearly misses it, one moment she's walking with her back to her and the next she's looking at her, the perfect picture of a deer caught in headlights. "Yeah. Didn't I mentioned it ?" Kara can hear she's trying to sound casual but her voice is closer to a squeak than anything and Kara instantly regrets not keeping her mouth shut.  
  
    "You must have, but I just couldn’t picture you as anything other than Irish." Kara says, trying to play it off.  
  
    And it works, Lena's shoulders relax slightly and a small smile returns to her face. "I’m adopted. I lived in Ireland until I was about four and then I came back for boarding school. My adoptive mother was more than happy to ship me back to the Old World to 'satisfy my curiosity about my origins.'" Lena pulls a face as she draws air quotes around her mother's words. "The rest of the time, I was in Metropolis."  
  
    Lena doesn't say more about the subject and Kara is left wondering how much she doesn't know about this stranger. Mostly, she realises that she doesn't want Lena to be a stranger, she wants to know things about her. She wants to know everything about her. It's a bit discomfiting. "I’m a colour too" she blurts out before she can stop herself. "I mean. What's your favourite colour ? And I'm adopted too." Lena looks at her like she's the strangest person she's ever encountered and Kara considers possible ways of keeping her mouth shut forever, her best idea being duct tape.  
  
    "Blue." Lena replies matter-of-factly, like it’s a question she doesn’t have to think about at all, unlike Kara, whose favourite colour is sometime yellow, sometime red, sometime purple, because choosing would be unfair to other colours. Today her favourite would be green, if she had to choose. "And you’re adopted ? I wouldn’t have guessed that. You look so much like doctor Danvers."  
  
    "Yeah. My parents died in a… big explosion. When I was thirteen." Kara staggers mid-sentence, she doesn't want to have to lie.  
  
    "Oh. I’m sorry. I. It must have been hard."  
  
    "It is." Kara sighs, taking the time to think over her next few words. "But you could say I got lucky. I got a shot at another life on another… in another country. I have a second family. And friends." Close call. Maybe extra strong glue would be more effective. Or she could sew her lips shut.  
  
    "I wouldn't have guessed you're not from here. You look every bit the perfect Californian. Sunny blond hair, gorgeous tanned skin…" Lena smirks. "Where are you from ?"  
  
    It's the worst thing that could happen. Lena is actually interested in what she has to say and Kara has to stack half truths on half lies.  
  
    "Russia." She says quickly. Which technically isn't a lie, she did land in Siberia, she just never properly lived there. She shovels through her memories, pulling up enough russian to be able to answer if it turns out Lena speaks russian. And honestly, Kara wouldn't be surprised if she did. "But it was a long time ago." Kara really need to find a way to cut this conversation short before her words betray her in a way she can't cover up.  
  
    But the thing is that Kara wants to tell her. She wants to tell Lena about Russia, and about Krypton, and about space travels and hypersleep. She wants to tell her about how Russia was cold, foreign and terrifying. How space was freezing, lonely and unforgiving. And how Krypton was warm, loving and familiar.  
  
    Like every other time they saw each other, Lena seems to intuitively sense her discomfort, and starts to steer the conversation away from the sensitive topic. "Come on, let's go read some books. I can get to know past you another time, right now, I want to get to know present you." Lena motions for Kara to follow her again and starts walking among the bookshelves again, before stopping so suddenly that Kara nearly crashes into her. "If that’s okay with you." She says hesitantly.  
  
    "That’s okay with me."  
  
    It’s not okay.  
  
    It’s not okay because Lena won’t ever be able to know past Kara because past Kara isn’t allowed to exist on this planet. And so she also won't really get to know present Kara because present Kara is nothing if she isn't a too smart kryptonian teenager, a scared alien on a strange planet, an all powerful superhero. To get to know Lena, Kara would have to rewrite herself, to build a version of her life that is human-safe. It doesn't sit quite right with her, but Lena is looking at her with an expectant smile and curiously, it makes her want to tamper a bit with the truth so she can make this not quite stranger / maybe friend happy.  
  
    Lena settles for all of two minutes on the bean bags before getting up to browse the shelves, and seeing her thoughtfully moving from book to book, Kara doesn't even ask how you can get to know someone by the books they read, it’s pretty obvious. Lena takes the time to read the back cover of each book she picks up, before adding it to the stack in her arms or putting in back with a small smile. Kara watches her until she disappears beyond her sight and only then does she gets up herself. She scans the shelves mindlessly, taking the time to feel the library, to get acquainted with one of her favourite place in Midvale again, only picking up a book when the title jumps to her. She lets the library take over her thoughts, revelling in the way her brain seems to slow down, her mind focusing on titles, on the scent of books, old and new. She feels so at ease in this place that at first when she pass in front of an empty shelf she doesn't realise what used to be here.  
  
    The shelf that should be crumbling under comic books is half empty, devoid of anything relating to superheroes ; and though Kara always thought it was slightly weird that people were writing books about her and her "adventures", their unexpected absence feels like a shot through the heart. She used to come here and read _Superman_ when the world was a bit too much, when she was mad at Alex or at Eliza, when she'd punch a hole through a table at school or had lost a track competition because she'd forced herself to run slower. She lets her fingers ghost over the shelf for a moment, fighting back what might be tears, or anger.  
  
    "They took them down a few days after the law passed." Lena's voice rings out from behind her. "Which is just ridiculous. Just the other day I picked up Ruby from school and I saw a kid with a Super shirt and nobody gave two shits about it. I don't know what they thought. That the FBI would storm a small town library for a bunch of comic books ?" She sounds absolutely outraged and it makes Kara feel slightly better. Not better better, but enough that she chooses to push her feelings down to enjoy her afternoon with Lena.  
  
    They go back to the bean bags, Lena staggering a bit under the weight of her books and Kara feeling the still foreign strain of her muscles under the weight of hers. Lena selects a bright orange hardback from her stack and Kara a thick book of photographs taken from the ISS, she's not sure she can handle words.  
  
    This is how they spend the afternoon, sitting side by side, engrossed in their own books with Lena occasionally reading a few sentences aloud to share with Kara and Kara silently showing pictures to Lena in return. It's quiet, and nice, and everything Kara needs at the moment, to be alone with someone. And she does feel like she gets to know Lena ; in the way she sits, her body twisted sideways, in the faces she pulls along with her reading, in the way her eyes bounce quickly from words to words, in the cautious way she holds the book, careful not to tear a page in her reading frenzy.  
  
    Their peace is disturbed by the predicted arrival of energetic high schoolers, and, quickly after the first shush of head librarian Mrs Michael, by a low rumble from Kara's stomach which causes a short laugh to tumble past Lena's mouth. "Tea time it is."  
  
    Despite initiating the move towards _The Lion's Den_ , Lena still spends two full minutes staring at her stack of book before slowly separating it in two halves, one that goes back on the shelves and one that will follow her home. Kara only decides to check out Lena's orange book, that she somehow managed to power through, and a book about origami.  
  
    With all the children getting out of school, this might be the busiest hour for Midvale’s library and Mrs Michael looks like she could use a break. She scans their books, making idle chit chat with Lena while keeping an eye on the kids until Kara hands her her old library card and she drops everything she’s doing to round the counter to engulf Kara in a warm embrace. "Kara Danvers, as I live and breathe !" She exclaims. "What a surprise ! How are you doing sweetheart ?"  
  
    Kara melts a little in the hug. "I’m doing okay." She muffles again the old woman's shoulder.  
  
    "I haven’t seen you in while ! Will you be staying long ?"  
  
    Kara shuffles awkwardly, looking at her feet, she knows she's about to disappoint her old friend. "I'm here indefinitely. Um. I lost my job in National City so I’m taking a break here."  
  
    "Oh honey…" Mrs Michael sighs longly. "Well if you need help getting back on your feet you give me a call alright ? I have an open spot here since poor Jenny… Well you know what happened."  
  
    Kara doesn’t have the time to say anything back before Mrs Michael’s attention is called away by a teenager spreading crumbs all other a book. Lena gathers their books in a quick practiced way, fleeing the library before they have to witness her wrath.  
  
    "Who’s Jenny ?" Lena asks as they step out into the street. "Mrs Michael mentioned her a few times but…"  
  
    "Jen was a friend. We were on the track team together in high school. She died in Metropolis. She was there for a college track meet. She wanted to be an athlete."  
  
    A shadow passes over Lena's face, and though Kara isn't the one who brought up the subject, she regrets answering honestly, Lena clearly has a problem with Metropolis.  
  
    "You were on the track team ?" Lena is doing her best to sound interesting, but it isn’t hard to notice the sudden gloom in her voice.  
  
    "I had a lot of energy. And Jeremiah thought it’d be a good idea for me to channel it into something. I burned through a lot of shoes but I enjoyed it." She chuckles at the recollection, of course Lena can’t know why she ruined so many pair of shoes, but Kara hopes to lighten the mood anyway. "Jeremiah’s my adoptive father." She adds before realising that mentioning him could lead to another unwanted dark conversation.  
  
    Luckily Lena doesn’t pry. She politely steers the conversation back to books, asking if Kara read anything she liked about sports, but mostly, she seems deep in thoughts and half a world away. She doesn't really light up again until they part in the early evening though there is a split second when she can't hold back a laugh at the sight of Kara with donut powder on her nose.  
  
    Kara laughs too, but it's bittersweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOMEONE GIVES THESE GIRLS A HUG
> 
> A few "fun" facts : along with Dolly (who appeared in chap 2), Jen is Kara's friend in Supergirl Being Super, I'll let you go read the comic to find out what happened to her.  
> Mrs Michael is not a comic book character but a real life person ! She owns a guest house in Dover (UK) and she's the sweetest person ever (I just made her much older in this fic ^^), I was looking for a cool name for my librarian and I was in Dover just last week.  
> The book Lena is reading is Alice isn't dead by Joseph Fink, it's a really good book.


	11. Back to go again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously in Paper Cranes : Kara and Alex are back in Midvale and Kara suffers more and more from the consequences of prolonged exposure to Kryptonite. Kara tries to settle back into a life in Midvale but can't help but notice how different her life is right now. Kara and Lena agrees to get to know each other more though both of them know they can't be totally honest. Kara doesn't like lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, look who's back from the deads with a brand new chapter ! I'm really sorry for the lack of updates these past two weeks. I was in a really bad place and then I dived straight into a six days mission for the Paris book fair and I didn't have a minute to myself. Thanks for waiting for me and before I let you go on and read this chapter I'd like to thanks every single one of you who subscribed, commented or left kudos, you guys keep me going.  
> Title is from a song by Framing Hanley.  
> As always, I suck at editing so I'm sorry.

    In the early morning light, when the sun hasn't quite decided yet if it wants to rise or not, Midvale's woods are creepy. Or they would be, if Kara wasn't accustomed to them. Despite the mist rising from the ground, her feet recognise the path they're running on, even with headphones on, her ears don't confuse the muffled sound of waves for ghosts' whispers, she doesn't see fairy tales monsters in the shadows. She used to. Her first few months on Earth, when everything was too bright, too alien, Midvale's woods reminded her of the legendary Valley of Juru, but she grew to like them. Her feet hit the ground with a regularity that would make coach Stone proud. The burning in her calves, the bite of air in her lungs, are foreign feelings, but the rhythm of her running, the vibration of her limbs, are not. Away from humans, shielded from stares by the trees, she feels free.  
  
    It's also the closest she’ll ever get to flying again, but she tries not to focus on that.  
  
    On Krypton, Kara was the president, the secretary and the treasurer of the club of "running should only occurred when you're being chased". Or when your Klurkor coach is on your case again. On Earth there wasn't anyone to monitor her Klurkor training, and human martial arts were out of the question since they would have resulted in the death of every other participant. Jeremiah was the first to suggest she might need an outlet for her strength.   They started running every sunday morning, the promise of ice cream being Kara’s only true motivation ; running was tedious and she didn't see the point. Until her feet started to sink a little less in the ground with each step, and she stopped accidentally jumping instead of running, and she managed to run slower than Jeremiah. It was difficult, it took control, a lot of it ; but unlike dreaming of Krypton and breaking down in uncontrollable fits, it was something she could control.  
  
    When Jeremiah died, she signed up for the track team.  
  
    By the time Kara circles the woods back to the house, the sun is tentatively piercing through the clouds and everybody is awake. Alex is doing push ups on the front porch, and Eliza is drinking coffee at the window.  
  
    It almost feels like old times.  
  
***  
  
    In her bedroom, Alex has propped up her old cork board on her desk. It reminds Kara of simpler times, when her sister would pin clues to try and solve mystery books before the characters. What’s on display now is a lot less innocent. Photographs of bloody wounds, sketches of complicated weapons, old press articles, chemical formulas ; and in the center of it all, a picture of the Luthor family with two of its members cut out. The floor is covered in blueprints and stacks of files overlapping other stacks. Alex is standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed, a yellow highlighter tucked on her right ear. Seeing her sister like this brings back good memories, and Kara is inclined to smile. But the situation is serious and now is not the time for recollection, she bits back her smile, and gets to work.  
  
    They're two hours in, sprawled on the ground and surrounded by notes when they realise that they forgot to take into account an important parameter, Kara can't superspeed through files anymore and it's going to take them way longer than predicted. The task at hand is tedious, and Kara has to go back several times to various files to spot correlations her brain doesn't seem to register. On Krypton, even without yellow sun granted powers, her mind was sharper than most. She'd mastered advanced calculus in four months, could see similarities is complex formulas in the blink of an eye, and would frequently help her father in his lab. Right now, it's like her brain has been replaced by a six years old's and she can feel herself growing increasingly frustrated. Gone is her incredible intelligence, gone are Alex’s and hers _Nancy Drew_ days ; all that's left is stupidity and darkness.  
  
    She doesn't realise she's snapped her own highlighter (green) in half until Alex appears before her, her hand hovering over her shoulder, waiting for approval before touching her. "We should take a break."  
  
    Kara welcomes the suggestion gratefully but it does little to help with her feeling of uselessness. She used to take down opponents thrice her size, now she can barely go through a few files without losing her cool.  
  
    Her hands are covered in green ink that don't come off easily and she regrets choosing a color so close to Kryptonite.  
  
    She nearly punches her reflection in the bathroom’s mirror.  
  
***  
  
    "So" Alex says, sliding a plate of cookies towards Kara. "Wanna tell me what's bothering you ?"  
  
    "Stupid." Kara mutters, cramming a cookie in her mouth and washing it down with a long swig of hot chocolate.  
  
    "What's stupid ? My files ? The Luthors ?"  
      
    "No. Me. It's me, I'm stupid. Or I feel like I am." Kara sighs, trying to gather her jumbled thoughts. "I used to be able to do so many things and now my brain can't even handle a bit of reading. I'm stupid. And useless."  
  
    "No you're not. The circumstances are different. And your body is under a lot of stress."  
  
    "I should do better."  
  
    "You're going to have to get this out of your head Kara. You're doing the best you can and your best is more than enough." There's a slight crack in Alex's voice and her hand is hesitant when it creeps closer to Kara's until their fingers intertwine. She gives it a light squeeze that Kara barely returns, though she doesn't let go.  
  
    "It doesn't feel like enough…"  
  
    "But it is. And you need to give yourself time."  
  
    "That’s the thing, I don’t think time has anything to do with this. Or if it does, I don’t think it’s gonna be for the better. This is Kryptonite…"  
  
    "You…"  
  
    "You know I’m right Alex." Kara sighs, letting her head drop onto her free hand.  
  
    "Yeah. Yeah I guess I know. But it’s scary to acknowledge it." Alex's voice wavers and she squeezes her sister’s hand tighter. "I don’t know how to help you…"  
  
    "You tried. It’s not on you."  
  
    "Trying isn’t nearly enough when it comes to protecting you from Kryptonite."  
  
    "But there isn’t much else we can do. Except following your guts and exposing the Luthors or whoever is behind those attacks on aliens and protect people. Because protecting people is what we do best."  
  
    "Promise me you’ll tell me if things gets too much ?"  
  
    "I promise." Kara's voice is as steady as she can make it but she's lying. And she has an inkling that Alex knows it. But they are both too tired to point it out. They know that Kara will always push herself farther than she can if it means protecting people, and Alex will do the exact same thing ; calling it out would be nothing but hypocrisy on her part.  
  
***  
  
    The stack of pancakes Dolly deposits in front of her isn't nearly as big as what she's used to consuming but the sight still is slightly nauseating. "I hope you don’t mind" the purple haired waitress says, "but I cut down your usual portion. My cat is tired of eating your leftovers." Kara accept the half filled plate with a nod, unsure of how to reply. "You plan on telling me why you're back in town and hanging out in my diner like it’s the place to be or do I have to worm it out of you like old times ?"  
      
    "I lost my job." Kara mumbles around a tiny piece of pancake.  
  
    "Yeah I know that. It was all other on TV, even interrupted a rerun of _The L Word._ What I mean is, why Midvale ? The feds could have shipped you off to a less boring place, they at least owed you that."  
  
    "Excuse me what ?" Kara shrieks letting her fork drops onto her plate.  
  
    "Oh come on Speedy. Do you really think I’m that stupid ?"  
  
    A part of Kara wants to smile at her high school nickname but her brain jumped to fight or flight mode and she's exercing too much control on her body to prevent it from running for its life to allow even the smallest smile to slip by.  
  
    Dolly heavily drops on the chair on the other side of the table. "Just because you removed your glasses and got a haircut doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to recognise my high school bestie flying around. So spill. The hot one isn’t here to distract you and your scary sister isn’t around to beat me up. I’m appointing myself as your therapist and I won’t take no for an answer."  
  
    "Do you even have the credential ?" Kara says, deflating on her sit.  
  
    "I have half a degree. Will that do ? It's not like you can do better in this crap town."  
  
    "I like Midvale." Kara says sharply. "But if you hate it so much, why are you still here ?"  
  
    "Mum’s sick. And don’t try to change the subject. So. Why are you sitting in my diner and not dead in a ditch somewhere ?"  
  
    "They didn’t want to go through the backlash of killing me I guess."  
  
    "Wow. Nasty. This crap gov is full of ugly ass. Well except for your sis’, your sis’s hot."  
  
    "First of all, gross. And people being hot can’t be an excuse for everything Dolly."  
  
    "Need I remind you that I took up running because Coach Stone’s smoking hot ?" Dolly barks out laughing and Kara can't help but let out a small snort of her own. "We went off topic here. How do you feel ?"  
  
    "Honestly ? Like crap. But I’ve been doing a bit better since I, you know, punched a hole through one of your table."  
  
    "And ripped my door off."  
  
    "And ripped your door off. Sorry about that."  
  
    "It’s okay. Like I said, nothing ever happens around here so at least you brought entertainment back with you."  
  
    "Glad to see you still have your priorities in order."  
  
    "Puellae et circenses. Yeah don’t look at me like that, latin class was mandatory in college so I had to make the most of it."  
  
    This is so Dolly, and Kara can’t help but laugh, really laugh, and for a moment she feels like she's seventeen all over again, scarfing pancakes after school ; for a minute, she can almost believe than Jen is going to barge in, sweaty from her run, asking for a gross green smoothie before Kara drags them to the library to work on their latest homework.  
  
    Of course, Jen doesn’t walk in.  
  
    "Yeah." Dolly says, noticing Kara casting a glance at the door. "I miss her too. This place’s been weird without the two of you. You know, sometimes I go running just so I can feel close to her. And I mean, I know we weren’t friends for that long before we split off to go to college, with you being Alex’s shadow for so long and all, but it’s been nice, getting to have friends. And I know you have people here, Alex, Eliza, the hot one, but if we could hang out sometimes it’d be cool."  
  
    "You do know her name is Lena, right ? I mean she comes here all the time, shouldn’t you know that by now ?"  
  
    "Who said I was talking about Lena ?" Dolly asks with a hint of cheekiness.  
  
    "You asshole !" Kara bites back while burying down the weird tremor of her stomach at the realisation that her brain associated "the hot one" with Lena without second thoughts.  
  
    "Love you too Speedy !" Dolly yells, already halfway to the counter to get them more coffee. She looks briefly over her shoulder, like she too, is waiting for the door to open to reveal their old friend and so when she sits back down Kara decides to talk, to share with her half therapist and full friend.  
  
    They exchange bits and pieces about their lives, talking around mouthfuls of pancakes like unruly five years olds. Kara fights back the pounding of a Kryptonite induced headache as long as she can, until the appearance of new patrons in the diner gives her the perfect excuse to leave without worrying Dolly too much.  
  
***  
  
    Kara thought running would exhaust her body in a healthy way, but that night, as she's lying in bed trying to read, her muscles are tensed and aching, and she has to adjust her position every few minutes to relieve her back. Alex is still downstairs, talking with Eliza, so at least her relentless movements are not bothering her. The full moon is taunting her through her half drawn curtains, cutting a thin pale line on the ground where the light of her bedside lamp gives way to the dark. The book she brought back from the library is fascinating, but nonetheless, Kara can't help but to be drawn toward this single ray of light.  
  
    She slips out of her bedroom, leaving an outraged Streaky behind her, and lets Eliza and Alex know where she's going when she pass in front of them, unwilling to bring more worry in their lives by leaving unnoticed, and steps out into the garden. The night is clear, cloudless and it's like the Milky Way has turned up its brightness.  
  
    Out of habit, she looks up, searching for Krypton. She squints, straining her sight until finally, she finds the one star she's looking for. It's dim, not as bright as the others, but it's Krypton, she's sure of it. She doesn't know how long she has until it fades out completely, but she makes a mental note to get her old telescope from the basement, because for now, it's here, like her dead planet waited for her to be ready to look up again. Pushing her sight makes her nauseous and she has to resign herself to stop. Somewhere at the back of her mind, she briefly wonders if the DEO received an alert that she tried to do more than she's allowed to, but she saw Krypton, and as long as Alex doesn't explode because of it, it's worth it.  
  
    Kara wanders mindlessly down the path that goes to the beach. It’s something that they did a lot when she was younger, late evening walks under the stars. Most of the time it would be just Alex and her and her sister would point out the Earth’s constellations as they walked ; but from time to time, Eliza and Jeremiah would join them. Sometimes, they would simply set up the telescope on the porch so Kara could look up at Krypton. She’s pretty sure that she somewhere has an old hand drawn chart of Krypton’s nigh sky that she did from memory when she feared her new stars would erase her old home.  
  
    Kara lets herself drop down to the ground before removing her sneakers and socks to shuffle her feet in the slightly damp and cold sand. Absentmindedly, her breathing starts matching the tides and though she shivers a bit in the breeze, she feels okay. It doesn't take her long to find the clutter of stars where Krypton shines on and though she doesn't push herself to see it, it's comforting. Without dropping her gaze from the sky, she lets old words come to her.  
  
    "Rao, make my journey light.  
    Rao, build my strength."  
  
    She gets so lost in her prayer that she doesn’t register the lights steps until a massive white beast comes resting his face on her knees. Kara smiles at the gigantic dog and thread her hands in his fur. If Krypto’s here, Lena can’t be too far behind and indeed, the dark haired woman comes treading slowly behind her dog, her pale face like an apparition under the moonlight.  
  
    "Fancy seeing you here." She says, the hint of a smile in her voice.  
  
    "At least I’m dry this time." Kara jokes back.  
  
    "Mind if I join you ?"  
  
    "Not at all." Kara replies, patting the ground next to her for good measure.  
  
    Under the full moon, Lena’s face seems to be glowing ; and the glimmer of her pale skin catches the corner of Kara's eyes. Clad in dark clothes, Lena’s body disappears in the night, leaving her head hovering between the sky and the ground. Kara can’t help but study her sharp features ; the straightness of her jaw, the curve of her neck disappearing into her scarf. She looks like the greek statues Kara’s art teacher would take them to see during her favourite college classes. When Lena senses her stare on her and finally turns around to look at her, a flash of curiosity in her own gaze, Kara notices for the first time that her eyes are two different colours, one a bit greener than the other. And it’s probably because she never really took the time to look at them before, but she finds Lena’s eyes strikingly beautiful.  
  
    Lena holds her gaze for a second too long, for a second more than what Kara feels comfortable with, before turning her head towards the sky and saying in a soft and slow voice : "So Kara Danvers, do you know much about stars ?"  
  
    "I do actually. My sister taught me all about your stars them when I got here ; they were a bit different back home." Kara bites her tongue, but it’s too late, she can already feel Lena eying her inquisitively.  
  
    "How so ?" she asks ; and like most of the time with Lena, Kara can hear genuine, but frightening, interest in her voice.  
  
    "Different names for the constellations mostly." She says, hoping to find a way to deliver a neat half lie that will satisfy Lena while not blatantly saying that Krypton's sky was entirely different. "I was born under the constellation of Kara, that’s how I got my name. It’s a constellation associated with beauty in my people’s mythology." Kara is seriously considering ripping her tongue off, "my people" is certainly not something a normal earthling would say.  
  
    "That’s interesting. I don’t know much about russian culture."  
  
    Right, Russia, because Kara is "Russian". Her brief confusion must show on her face because Lena quickly adds : "You did told me you were from Russia right ? I did not just make that up ?"  
  
    "Конечно я русский" Kara says, too slowly to sound natural but it’s the best she can do right now.  
  
    "I did not get a word of that." Lena laughs. "But I believe you."  
  
    Yet, a knowing smile briefly stretches on her face and Kara has a feeling that Lena doesn't believe her at all even though she doesn't press. Maybe it’s talking with Dolly earlier but she wonders if it would really be that bad if Lena were to know she’s an alien. Not that she’s Supergirl, but at least that she comes from another world, so she wouldn’t have to lie about this. But before she can make up her mind, Lena starts pointing at stars and talking about Irish legends and the moment is to nice to be ruined.  
  
    "See that cross over there ?" Lena asks, pointing at the sky. "It’s the Cygnus constellation. The word comes from Latin but there’s a really nice Irish story to go with it. About Oengus  who fell in love with Caer and spent a year searching for her after she turned into a bird. At the end, he finds her and turns into a swan too and they fly off together."  
  
    Kara wants to tell her she can fly too but instead she goes for : "That’s a nice story. I don’t know much about Ireland."  
  
    "Oh, I learned everything in books, I left too early to remember much of it and boarding school was too focused on international teaching." She sounds understandably sad and it pushes Kara to do something incomprehensible, she takes her hand. Kara can’t explain her gesture, but Lena’s hand in hers feels nice, and when she arches a delicate eyebrow and squeezes back, it feels even nicer.  
  
    "You found a way of staying connected to your roots, it’s a good thing." Kara whispers, turning her eyes back to the sky. "Tell me another Irish story."  
  
    "Only if you tell me about the stars in your country."  
  
    "Deal." Kara replies without missing a bit, already thinking of ways to tell her about Rao without giving too much away.  
  
    "What do you know about the Banshee ?" Lena asks, purposefully twisting her voice to fit the mood of the story she’s about to tell.  
  
    Kara nearly laughs, she fought a Banshee once. But she isn’t going to tell Lena that, not when the other woman comes alive with the myth, not when her eyes are shining, and more so because of the stories of her country than because the stars reflect in them. Instead, she lets the myth of the Banshee and then the story of Rao and Cythonna carry them well into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes in order of apparition in the chapter :  
> Puellae et circenses : Girls and games. I twisted Panem et circenses (bread and games) a bit.  
> Here's the link to Rao's prayer : http://kryptonian.info/news-feed.html/2017/11/13/doyle-kryptonian-on-supergirl/  
> And here's where you should head to see I didn't entirely made up that kryptonian constellation thing : http://kryptonculture.tumblr.com/post/133295234258/kara-goddess-of-beauty  
> Kara sayd "Of course, I’m Russian" and I say thank you google trad  
> Finally, here's the link to that Irish myth : https://www.mythicalireland.com/astronomy/the-cygnus-enigma/  
> And again, If you want to know more about Dolly, and now, about coach Stone, I feel compelled to point you toward Supergirl Being Super which probably is Kara's best origin story and my favourite comic of all time
> 
> If you want, you can follow me on Instagram, I'm @claramirabelle I rarely show my face but sometimes I'm funny in the stories ^^


	12. The event horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously in Paper Cranes : Kara got some much needed advice from a friend and a job offer. She waddled between the necessity to keep her identity a secret and the want to get closer to Lena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that ! A chapter that isn't titled after a song ! Thought I do recommend that you listen to Gravity of You by Starset ^^
> 
> Event horizon : - a notional boundary around a black hole beyond which no light or other radiation can escape  
> \- a point of no return
> 
> The first sentence is from : Black Holes : The BBC Reith Lectures by Stephen Hawking

_The scientist community was slow to realise that massive stars could collapse in on themselves, under their own gravity […]_  
  
    "Excuse me Miss ? Library lady ? Librarian, that’s the word I’m looking for. Um Kara ?"  
  
    Kara looks up from her book to find a young girl standing in front of her, a frown firmly settled on her somewhat familiar face.  
  
    "Yes. Yes that’s me. The librarian. Didn’t see you there." Kara stammers.  
  
    Great first day of work.  
  
    "It’s okay." The girl reassures. "I’m looking for a book. About the International Space Station. It has pictures in it ?"  
  
    "Oh right. I know this one ! I was reading it just the other day." Kara plunges behind the counter and resurfaces with the book. "Here you go. I’d yet to put it back on the shelves, sorry. Space enthusiast ?"  
  
    "Oh yeah." A giant smile breaks on the girl face. "I’d like to be an astronaut. Or at least work in star science."  
  
    "I wanted to be an astronaut too ! When I was about five or six I think. And I was deeply convinced that my love for the stars would reopen my plan…country space program. I was dearly mistaken." Kara catch herself just in time, or so she thinks, because the girl still looks puzzled.  
  
    "I didn’t know Russia had shut down its space program."  
  
    Kara realises right then that this girl looks familiar because she is Sam's daughter. The kid that got into an accident on her first day back. Ruby maybe ? So of course, she too thinks Kara is russian.  
  
    Shit.  
  
    "Mum and aunt Lena talk about you aaaall the time." Ruby says with a smirk. "The weather must have been a nice change for you, it's pretty hot here."  
      
    Kara tries to piece back her thoughts but all she can muster is an "Oh."  
  
    "Anyway." Ruby says, thankfully switching the topic back. "If you're into space too, do you have books recommendation for me ? I mean, I already read all of what this library has about space but maybe if I come with a good list, mum will buy me a few."  
  
    "You read everything ?"  
  
    "Not that there was many to begin with but yeah, I did. Books and science, that’s a big family trait. Well science only for two third of the family, mum’s an accountant so it sucks but aunt Lena’s trying to cure cancer in her backshop so it kinda makes up for it."  
  
    "Lena’s trying to cure cancer ?" Kara asks, trying to process the sudden info dump from the young girl.  
  
    "Oh yeah. She’s really smart. And super cool. And very into wo…"  
  
    "That’s enough Ruby. Hello Kara." Lena says, gracefully slipping behind her niece.  
  
    "You’re trying to cure cancer ?" Kara asks in lieu of a greeting, not bothering with masking the awe and interest in her voice.  
  
    "It's a pet project of mine. I'll show you sometimes if you're interested." Lena replies with a smile, like it’s absolutely no big deal that her hobbies include curing cancer.  
  
    "Yeah. Yeah definitely. I’m interested." Kara stammers, feeling heat creeping on her cheeks.  
  
    "Anyway. I’ve come to help this one with her homework. She needs to level up her math skills if she want to go anywhere near a rocket. We’ll be over there." She gestures vaguely in the direction of the tables before walking away while Ruby just stares at Kara for a moment, a suspicious grin on her face.  
  
***  
  
    Changing her fairly new routine to adapt to her new job takes a few tiring days but Kara ends up really loving working at the library. Granted nothing much happens when she's here, and it’s only a few hours a day ; but feeling even slightly useful is nice. The library is very quiet most of the time, the busiest hours being when the place fills with high schoolers, which is usually when Mrs. Michael takes over. The rest of the time, Kara arranges shelves and reads books under the counter.  
  
    The most frequent reader seems to be Lena, who pops up at random times during the day like she doesn't have a job of her own, stating alternatively that the shop is going slow or that she hit a roadblock in her research and needs to think it over. She stays for an hour or two at a time, but never goes to sit the bean bags at the back like she did with Kara. Instead, she sits at the table closest from the counter and reads 9th grade science textbooks which Kara files away as one of her oddity, along with her apparent enjoyment of wednesday's kids fairy tales hour, and her tendency to want to read whichever book is placed on the highest shelf. Which is exactly what she’s trying to do right now.  
  
    Lena is stretching on her toes, trying to reach a shelf that is still as out of reach as it was the day before, and Kara is watching her, her eyes flickering every few second to the pale sliver of skin just under where her sweater rides up. She's waiting for the moment when Lena will inevitably ask for her help to retrieve a book she probably won't even check out. Lena may be literally working on a cancer cure but sometimes, she's a bit weird. Eventually, she gives up and makes her way to Kara, a pout on her face. "I need help."  
  
    "I can see that." Kara says lightly, failing at keeping her amusement out of her voice.  
  
    "Don't be mean. I'm small, you're tall, it's only natural that you help me."  
  
    Lena also have this new found habit of mentioning their supposed height difference even though Kara is only a foot taller than her and really it’s not such a big deal.  
  
    "So. What’s today’s read ?"  
      
    "This one." Lena casually replies, pointing at the biggest volume on the shelf.  
  
    "An outdated biology encyclopedia ? You know there’s a reason why we put these up there."  
      
    "What ? It’s relaxing !"  
  
    "If you say so." Kara mutters, reaching up for the book. And Rao, it is heavy. She takes the volume out slowly, careful not to drop it on her foot, because she may have some residual strength but she still is a hundred percent sure that in her current state, she can get broken bones. She feels her biceps tense under her too large sweater and when she hands the book over to Lena and notices the slight flush on her cheeks, she can't help but regret not being able to wear tighter tops right now.  
  
    It's a fleeting thought though, so she decides it's better not to dwell on it.  
  
    Lena takes the heavy book in her hands and her forearms, left uncovered by her rolled up sleeves, tense with the struggle. Kara's eyes are glued to them for a beat too long before she realises she should offer her help.  
  
    "Here, let me get that for you." She grabs the book and sets of in direction of the tables, Lena lazily trailing behind her. "So." she says once she settled the heavy book on the table, "Read anything good lately ? I mean besides outdated encyclopedia and high schoolers textbooks ?" Her attempt at conversation is somewhat wobbly but as they already had tea the day before, this is supposed to be a Lena-less afternoon and Kara isn't too keen on that.  
  
    "Actually yeah." Lena says with a smile as she sits down and Kara mirrors her, forgetting for a moment that she’s at work. "I just finished a really good series with lesbian pirates and sea monsters. I'll lend it to you sometime if you want. The library is kinda lacking in this department."  
  
    "Yeah it is. I've been trying to put together a list for next year’s budget or to ask for potential donations, your help’s welcome if you have a bit of time."  
  
    "That’s a great idea ! Though I guess I could just donate my books directly. Or I guess I could buy new copies and donate them. I’m not going to give away my books." She whispers the last sentence and she sounds so outraged by her own suggestion that Kara can’t help but chuckle.  
  
    "You don’t have to give your books. Just make me a list and I’ll harass Mrs Michael with it. It would be great to offer more diversity here. And I could even find something for fairy tale hours. Though I’m not super sure parents would be open to that."  
  
    "Oh I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. I mean, I don’t know how it was during your teens, but most of the people in this town are still convinced that I’m Ruby’s other mum and nobody seems to mind so I guess they’d be okay with gay fairy tales."  
  
    "They weren’t that open minded actually." Kara scoffs, inadvertently shifting the mood. "I had a friend who was out and was given a lot of shit. And Alex and I, we stayed in the closet until well after we moved to National City."  
  
    "Oh. Well, I know we already saw each other yesterday, but maybe we can talk about it after your shift, if you want ?" Lena asks, a hint of what Kara wants to hear as hopefulness in her voice. "Because your boss is coming this way and she may be nice but unless we put our thinking faces on and you start reciting book titles, I’m afraid she’s going to drag you back to your counter."  
  
    Unwilling to disappoint Mrs. Michael, Kara drags herself back to her counter. The last hour of her shift is slow, only one person seeks her advice, and she passes the time by alternatively checking that Lena is still here and trying her hands at paper cranes with the help of a book she found in the art and crafts section. She struggles with applying the right amount of pressure on the paper and the silence of the library is periodically broken by the sound of paper tearing. It doesn't help that her hands start shaking after half an hour. The pieces of paper that don't end up in the trash can all look like misshapen pterodactyls. She still pockets them for safe keeping, and wordlessly gives one to Lena.  
  
***  
  
    In two weeks of consistently hanging out with Lena, Kara quickly found out that having tea doesn’t necessarily means they are going to drink tea. When they go to Lena’s, that’s what they do, and Lena gently makes fun of her for putting too much sugar in hers. But when they go to _The Lion’s Den_ , Lena usually drinks hot chocolate (the gross water based one that Kara claims is an abomination), and Kara enjoys her new found ability to get brain freeze via milkshake.  
  
    Tea time with Lena is her favourite part of her new routine.  
  
    They sit in the grey light of the afternoon and Kara silently observes as Lena proceeds to cut down her donut in eight small pieces before eating one. She washes it down with a sip of hot chocolate and lowers her cup to reveal a cute sugary mustache that Kara knows she won’t bother wiping out before she’s done eating.  
  
    "Your friend that was out, it’s Dolly, right ?" Lena prompts after she swallowed her second piece of donut. "She told me the two of you were friends in high school."  
  
    Lena's probing is gentle, and Kara knows she can get out of the conversation anytime. That's how things go with Lena.  
  
    "Yeah. Yeah it’s Dolly. She was very open about it. Brash even. But she had it rough. And I guess it's scared me."  
  
    "Because you were already different in a way ? Being adopted and from another, place ?"  
  
    "Yeah. And growing up, um, the people in my town, my community, were pretty open about this. It wasn’t really something that people would question." Kara carefully measures her words. "Imagine my surprise when Alex freaked out when I mentioned wanting to ask a girl to the dance." She takes a sip of her milkshake, trying to push down the lump that is suddenly clogging her throat. "What about you ?"  
  
    "Oh. Well my mother is firmly against me dating women. But I stopped abiding to her laws a long time ago." Lena stops talking, her gaze fixated on her hands that are tearing down a napkin. "She did try to bully it out of me. But then again, she tried to bully a lot of things out of me."  
  
    "Your mother is not a nice person."  
  
    "That’s one way of putting it." Lena laughs sourly. "My first girlfriend ratted me out in boarding school. She’s in jail now, she had it coming. Not because she outed me though. She was involved in some shady business. Alien underground fight club. Now that I’m thinking about it, she probably got released after aliens got outlawed."  
  
    Kara chokes on her milkshake. "Wait a minute, you dated Roulette ? Wouldn’t have guessed dubious fashion and giant tattoos of murderous snakes were your type."  
  
    "You know Veronica ?" Lena asks, raising an impressive eyebrow.  
  
    Shit.  
  
    "Um yeah. My sister’s ex-fiancée arrested her. We crossed path. She’s a bitch."  
  
      "So my mother isn’t a nice person but my ex’s a bitch ?" Lena chuckles.  
  
    "I met one in person, not the other. And I don’t usually insult people I don’t know." Kara shrugs.  
      
    "Well, you have a free pass to insult my mother. Though I don’t wish for you to ever have to meet her. You’re too nice to be corrupted by even the idea of her existence." Lena stops, frowning. "Oh God, that sounded awfully dramatic, I'm sorry."  
      
    "Don’t apologize, we all have our grief with our families, you're allowed to talk about it."  
  
    "See what I was saying, you’re too nice."  
  
    Kara snickers and tries to find something to counter her, about how there's no such thing as being too nice. But Lena's right and they both know it. An easy and comforting smile graces Lena's lips and Kara readily falls into it, grateful for the lack of judgement in her teasing.  
      
    "Dark and broody Kara Danvers, too nice ? No way !" Kara jumps at Dolly's appearance, she didn't heard her coming. "Though coming from you it's kinda like the pot calling the kettle black. Thanks for the painkillers by the way. Mum’s feeling a bit better."  
  
    "Any other news on that front ?" Lena asks gently.  
  
    "The doc still says he won't operate, the tumor is too close to the femoral artery. And still growing, despite chemo."  
  
    "I'm sorry I'm not getting any closer to a solution."  
  
    "It's okay. I wasn't expecting you to cure cancer overnight. No offense."  
  
    "None taken."  
  
    There is something in the few words they exchange that sound strange to Kara and it takes her a few moments to realise it's the sudden thickness of Lena's voice, like she feels personally responsible for curing Dolly's mum.  
  
    Like she's weighted down by guilt.  
      
    It's over before Kara can really mull it over. Lena pays, over tips, and affectionately squeezes Dolly's hand before stepping outside the diner and taking a deep breath in the cool and humid air.  
      
    "Speaking of cancer and other joyous things, how about I show you my lab ? You never took me up on my offer."  
  
    There is a reason why Kara hasn’t taken Lena up on that offer yet, something that goes along the lines of "Hey I’m an alien ! And it's going to show if I start probing around your research because I come from a technologically advanced civilisation and sometimes I can’t refrain from giving unsolicited advice." But really, Kara is starting to realise that there's little she wouldn't do to make her friend happy. Reading weird horror stories, drinking tea, twisting her people’s legends to fit a human narrative…  
  
    And if it's dangerous, so be it.  
  
***  
  
    Kara misses the last step, and stumbles straight into Lena’s lab. She's been led through a fake cupboard door, two flights of stairs, a corridor so long she's sure they are closer to her house than Lena's, and a reenforced door with two biometric locks, so really, she doesn't know what she was expecting.  
  
    The floor has been covered with waxed concrete but the walls and ceiling are made out of shiny metal and, basked under the warm LED lights, Kara has to do a double take to check this isn't her father's lab. The room is littered with state of the art equipment, and some devices, she's sure she's never even seen before. A large work station is set up in the middle of the room. Most of it is covered with beakers and test tubes, wires and clamps, but a small space has been freed to house an impressively high stack of papers and a stickers covered laptop. Biometrically locked cabinets are lined against two of the walls and a long blackboard, covered in scribbles, is propped on another. In a corner of the lab, Kara's gaze settles on two black high back armchairs and a crowded bookshelf that somehow don't look out of place.  
  
    The room looks like a crossover between a supervillain lair and a reminiscence of a kryptonian lab.  
  
    "So, what do you think ? Give me your honest opinion. Sam always says this place is too dramatic, but she doesn't know what's good for her."  
  
    Lena literally skips around her lab, a childlike glee radiating from her in a way that Kara has never witnessed before. She looks both nervous and proud to be showing her her lab. Kara gets lost in thoughts for a moment, watching her friend moving around with ease, until she leans on her board, hands in her pockets, and Kara’s eyes get stuck on a formula written just above her head.  
  
    It's a streak of letters and numbers she's seen before, in her own handwriting.  
  
    It dates back to her first years on this planet, when Earth's science would give her headaches and she'd try to apply Kryptonian's concepts to it. If she wracks her brain, she can link it to an antique serum, used to reduce abnormal cell growth. The mortality rate was too high though, so it was abandoned in favour of medically engineered nanobots. Nonetheless, Lena figuring this out, presumably on her own, is impressive.  
  
    Under the formula, Lena stands still, concern and disappointment etched on her face. "Do you not like it ? It does lack a window or two but…"  
  
    "How did you figure it out ? This one ?" Kara says, pointing over Lena's head while absentmindedly moving towards her.  
  
    "Oh. Tinkering, experimenting, reading. I thought it was correct but I'm stuck. Why ? Do you have a secret degree in bio engineering and could help me out ?"  
  
    "Astrophysics actually. But…"  
  
    "You have a degree in astrophysics ? Why didn't you tell me ?"  
  
    "Astrophysics and journalism. I wanted to write about science. That’s why I applied to be miss Grant’s assistant, I thought it’d be a good start to climb up." Kara explains, failing at keeping the sadness out of her voice. "Oh, and a minor in art. But that's not the point."  
  
    "How is that not the point ? This is amazing ! You're always selling yourself short !" Lena pushes herself off the wall, starting towards Kara, a frown creasing her eyebrows.  
  
    "Well, it's not like I got to use it before I had to leave." Kara mutters bitterly.  
  
    "I'm so going to get back at Cat Grant for this. Kara, you’re amazing !"  
  
    Kara chooses to ignore what Lena said and instead, she takes a deep breath and trhows caution out the window. "That formula. I know it. My dad was a scientist. Maybe I can help."  
  
    "Maybe you can…" Lena says thoughtfully. "God this is amazing ! I’ve been stuck on this for ages but maybe you can bring new perspective to this ! What are you doing right now ?!"  
  
    "Well…"  
  
    "Oh shit. We’re friday right ?" Lena cuts, visibly deflating.  
  
    "Fridays are movie night. I get it." Kara says softly.  
  
    "Family over work. Family over work." Lena repeats like a mantra.  
      
    "Your family is important, go. Before Sam comes manhandle you out of here. I’ll still be here tomorrow, or next week, to help you out."  
  
    "Are you sure it’s okay ? You’re too kind. I got so excited about this and now I’m kicking you out of my lab."  
  
    "I’m sure Lena. And it will give me time to think. So I don’t disappoint you by being completely useless."  
  
    "You could never disappoint me Kara." Lena reassures quietly. "I do have time to walk you home, if you want ? And maybe some other time, you could stay with us for the evening ? If that’s something that you’d like." She adds, somewhat hesitantly.  
  
    "Yes." Kara replies, not even trying to keep her smile from growing. "Yes to both."  
  
    It’s the first time Lena issued these propositions, and in a way, they round up what Kara is learning about her friend perfectly. She's soft, cautious, and so so smart. And there may be a missing piece, somewhere among the fragments of her ill disguised guilt, but Kara will take what she can for now ; she's hiding things too.  
  
***  
  
    Walking the path to her home with Lena feels a bit different than walking it alone. Krypto is trailing a few meters before them, occasionally smelling bushes and constantly wagging his tail. It's a nice evening, if only a bit cold, and Lena recounts Ruby's adventures in outsmarting her teachers. In returns, Kara talks a bit about her father ; and even with half words, it feels nice. They take the cliff's bumpy path and occasionally, their arms brush. Kara shivers through her two layers of clothes.  
  
    Lena is animatedly retelling a story about her time at MIT when she freezes, a few meters away from the porch. "I'll drop you off here." she says abruptly. Her gaze is fixated on the house but when Kara looks up, she only sees Alex, waiting behind the window.  
  
    "Don't worry, I know the way from here."  
  
    They are standing a foot apart from each other and Kara suddenly feels a bit awkward, though she's unsure why. Lena shifts slightly beside her, her eyes still on the house. "Can I…" Lena starts just as Kara says "Would it be okay if I…"  
  
    "Go ahead."  
  
    "Can I hug you ?" Kara asks shyly, somehow taken aback by her own question.  
  
    "Yeah." Lena exhales faintly.  
  
    They reach out for each other, covering the short distance between them until arms wrap around bodies. It's a bit stiff at first neither really daring to push the boundaries, and then Lena leans into Kara, the latter tightening her hold, revelling in the warmth radiating from her friend's body. They stay like that under the clouded night sky, for a moment neither long, nor short.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SCIENCE PLEASE FORGIVE ME --"
> 
> Water based hot chocolate isn't that bad
> 
> Lena is reading The Abyss Surrounds Us by Emily Skrustkie, and you should to


	13. Things could stand to be clearer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously in Paper Cranes : Lena is a giant lesbian. Kara and Lena do science together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that, a chapter that is early ! It's probably because I really, really enjoyed writing the science stuff :D And also thanks to everyone who left a comment on the last chapter, you really boosted my confidence up :)
> 
> Title is from It's not what they said by Framing Hanley
> 
> This chapter is also not as eagerly edited as others so I apologize if there are too many typos and mistakes, I really wanted to post my fake science

    "So. Do I need to make you sign a NDA or can I trust you with the research of a lifetime ?"  
  
    The sentence is crafted in a way that has Kara seventy percent sure that it's intended as a joke. Except that Lena's voice is as humourless as ever and her face is carefully blank. It makes Kara feel a little bit uneasy. The Lena that is walking six feet in front of her in the endless corridor is a far cry from the Lena from the day before and Kara can't figure out if it's because they entered business territory or if it's something she did.  
  
    "Of course you can trust me." She says tentatively. "But I’ll gladly sign every NDA in the world if it makes you feel more comfortable. I'm already so happy that you're letting me work with you."  
  
    "I was joking Kara." Lena replies, sounding like she’s not joking at all. But she does release a shaky breath and visibly forces her shoulders to relax, like Kara’s words of reassurance at least slightly registered in her brain.  
  
    She lacks enthusiasm, doesn’t skip around her lab like the previous day, but she still noticeably relaxes once the heavy door clicks behind them ; a smile even cracks on her face at the sight of Kara wearing a borrowed lab coat with too short sleeves. Kara's gut reaction would usually be to goof around, to turn into Lena's personal jester until she would be sufficiently cheered up. But she isn't sure of how she would react, and anyway, laughter isn't really her go-to anymore.  
  
    The lack of windows cuts them entirely from the world, and because Kara can't wear a watch, she has no idea of how much time they spend in the lab. The first few moments of stiff work and tense silence alone seem to last forever. Lena hands her a bunch of files and really, Kara should have expected it because files follow her wherever she goes. Files are kind of like annoying clingy ex-partners, always demanding her attention, and whatever happens, there is always a file to write, read, fetch or file away. Files suck. But it's for Lena, so she pores over them, crosses things out, annotates other things, until, much like what happens when she's working with Alex, her brain melts in agony.  
  
    All the while, Lena stands a few feet away from her, typing away on her laptop ; but gradually, she shifts closer and closer, until she's downright looking at what Kara's doing. When Kara looks up, rubbing at her temple and feeling like her head is about to explode, Lena isn't bothering with masking the admiration on her face, and it makes Kara feel proud, and warm.  
  
    "Did you also forgot to mention that you're an actual genius or are you purposefully holding things back to surprise me ?"  
  
    "I’m not a genius." Kara laughs nervously. "I’m just of above average intelligence…?"  
  
    "You’re a genius Kara. Nobody ever understands anything when I talk about science and you just… you just went through my notes like it’s nothing and corrected mistakes I couldn’t even see !" Lena's voice lilts with excitement and for the first time since they locked themselves in the lab this morning, she looks genuinely happy to be here.  
  
    "It’s not a big deal." Kara says, shrugging Lena’s compliment off. "I just rearranged a few things. And it’s mostly theoretical. We'd need to do tests. Adjust things. The version of this that I know was too unstable, lethal."  
  
    "I know." Lena sighs. "I had a seventy percent mortality rate. And the rest of my rats started to hover and I had to put them down anyway."  
  
    Kara can't hold back a short laugh. "You had flying rats and you didn’t keep at least one ?"  
  
    "What was I supposed to do with it ? Gift it to Ruby ? That would have brought too many questions."  
  
    "What kind of kid doesn’t want to have a flying rat ? I’m sure that I would have accommodated to this place much quicker if I had had one."  
  
    "I’ll be sure to keep you one in the next batch. Thought that would mean we failed so…"  
  
    "Maybe we can fail a little ? So I can get a flying rat ?" Kara pleads. "Or maybe two ? I’m sure Alex would enjoy one as well."  
  
    "Yeah. Like you said, who wouldn’t want a flying rat." Lena says, shifting away from Kara. "What did you said your sister was doing in Midvale again ? I can’t seem to remember ?"  
  
    The question is asked in a casual way, too casual to be natural. And Lena purposefully busy herself with neatly arranging a stack of files in a way that Kara can't help but find suspicious. Maybe Lena saw Alex at the window when she walked her home and is interested in her. After all, her sister is objectively beautiful, and quite the catch. But it makes Kara's stomach churn in an uncomfortable way.  
  
    "She's working from home." _She was shipped back here with me._ "Doing some data analysis." _Spying on me so she doesn’t die._ "For the FBI." _For an undercover organisation you are not allowed to know about._ "She had a lot of vacation time to catch on." _You don’t get vacation at the DEO, at least I didn’t._  
  
    It's not Kara's most plausible lie, or at least, Lena doesn't seem convinced. "It’s nice that she took this time to be with you." She says flatly.  
  
    "Yeah." Kara replies, swerving away from her lie. "I don't know what I would do without her."  
  
    "The two of you are quite close."  
  
    "We are. We share everything." Kara says, a soft smile spreading on her face and freezing just as soon at Lena’s frown. "Oh R-God Lena I'm sorry !" She scrambles to apologise, suddenly realising what might be the problem. "I would never tell her anything about what we're doing here, I promise. I understand how important your research is to you. And I can still sign this NDA if you'd like."  
  
    Lena noticeably relaxes. "It's okay Kara. I'm just being paranoid. People taking liberties with my work, well, it happened before, and I'm just being extra cautious." She smiles weakly. "I trust you though." She adds after a beat. But there is something in the way she says it that as Kara thinking that this isn't entirely true, that maybe she doesn't trust her at all. Like between yesterday and today, a piece of the enigma that is Lena went flying right past her and she's missing crucial information  
  
    "Do you wanna talk about it ?" Kara prompts lightly.  
  
    "Not really."  
  
    It's final, that much Kara understands, so she lets it go. And she'd like to say she's letting it go for now, and will probe again later, but that would mean ignoring the part of her that is really scared she did something to irritate Lena. She already is too tired and anxious to bear adding more trouble to her load by really aggravating her friend.  
      
    "Come on." Lena says after a short while during which Kara things she’s going to call it quit for the day. "I’ll show you the serum."  
  
    Kara stands at a respectful distance while Lena retrieves a metallic box from one of the biometric cabinets. "It’s lead lined." She says, answering Kara’s question before it leaves her mouth. "The serum emits a small dose of radiation, that I’m not quite sure is the lethal part of the formula, but better safe than sorry." She deposits the box on the table before handing Kara a pair of thick heavy gloves. "The whole place is lined with lead actually." She adds, motioning to the walls.  
  
    "It’s a smart decision."  
  
    "I’m a smart woman." Lena retorts, arching an eyebrow.  
  
    "I will not contradict you on that."  
  
    "Good." Lena says with a smirk.  
  
    She opens the box and slides it towards Kara who carefully removes a syringe full of thick black glowing serum. It looks exactly like what she remembers studying in historical sciences back on Krypton which is a prowess in itself, Lena did by herself what took a decade to an army of Kryptonian scientists. Kara holds the syringe at eye level, observing a piece of her history somehow recreated by an Earthling. A low whistle makes its way past her lips. "And you’re calling me the genius."  
  
    "It’s incomplete and dangerous."  
  
    "Maybe, but it’s by far the most advanced thing I have ever seen." She doesn’t add "on this planet", because to her it goes without saying, and it’s not for Lena to hear. "Walk me through it." She says, putting the serum back in its secure container.  
  
    "You’ve just read the files." Lena says, a bit disconcerted.  
      
    "I want to hear you explain it."  
  
    "Okay." Lena mutters before summoning her confidence. "So my serum targets the malign cells and is effective in under fifteen minutes. It would spare patients months of treatment, side effects and possible collateral damages. I was originally working on a vaccine that would prevent cancer all together, but it’s a sneaky disease, too scalable, and the vaccine had an even higher lethal rate." Lena shrugs off her gloves and arms herself with a long stick of chalk before wiping away a small portion of her blackboard. "So what I did." She continues, scribbling as she speaks. "Is removing the preventive part of my formula, to focus solely on the aggressive part. The vaccine would have prepped the cells to defend themselves by introducing itself in them and staying there, dormant, until cancer showed up. But by doing so, it started eating away at the cells of my rats. They all died. The serum itself initially targets only cancer ridden cells. The problem being than once the cancer is gone, it starts eating the healthy cells. And if it doesn’t, it depletes them until the subject seems to gain powers. Which would be good, if it only increased general immunity. But it doesn’t, and I’m not sure if humanity is ready for superhuman powers." Lena puts her chalk down and turns around to look at Kara. "And that’s why I need your brilliant mind."  
  
    Kara hums lowly, making her way towards Lena and picking up the discarded piece of chalk. "You mentioned that the radioactive element in the serum could be a cause of lethality, we could remove that part." Kara wipes part of Lena’s formula and before she can protest, Kara goes on. "But it would make the reaction highly unstable probably leading to an even faster degradation of the cells." Lena nods, but doesn’t interrupt. "What we could do would be replacing it by a stable isotope, one with a longer half-life that doesn’t decay on human measurable time. There have been several breakthrough in alien research regarding stable isotopes, but downing our current political situation, it's not really something we can rely on. However, a couple of years ago, an Earth based corporation started developing a highly stable isotope. It doesn't decay, and is a great dispersal agent. Until know, it's only been applied to bio weaponry but if we can reverse it's use it could work."  
  
    "You’re thinking about Luthor Corp’s isotope 454…" Lena cuts in, bewildered. "How did I not think of that…?"  
  
    "Because it’s manufactured by a fallen corporation and isn’t exactly easy to come by…?"  
  
    "No Kara. You don’t understand. I used to work in Luthor Corp’s R&D. I developed isotope 454."  
  
    "You what ?" Kara asks, accidentally pulverising the chalk against the board in an ear splitting noise.  
  
    Lena seems to realise what she just said a beat too late, her hands slowly rising to cover her mouth in horror. Her whole body seems to tense in a delayed fight or flight response, and her eyes flicker incessantly between Kara, the board and the locked and too far door.  
  
    "Lena ? Lena it's okay. Breathe. I don't mind that you worked for Luthor Corp." Lena doesn't react. "I mean unless you're actually Lex Luthor with a wig." Kara jokes, trying to defuse the tension. A flicker of something passes on Lena’s too pale face, but she still doesn't speak. "You’re not responsible for what a company you used to work for did Lena. It’s not your fault. And we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want too. Not about the Luthors and not about Metropolis either if that’s what you want."  
  
    "My b…" Lena starts in a crooked voice. "Lex Luthor used my isotope to engineer dangerous things. Bio weapons that were used by our government to burn villages to the ground under the guise of fighting terrorism. And his suit, it’s based on an exoskeleton that I developed to help tetraplegics. I helped…"  
  
    "But did you wanted to ? Lena, is it something that you wanted ?"  
  
    "No…"  
  
    "Then it’s not your fault. You didn’t do this. You’re not him. You are not a Luthor." Kara can’t help but spat the surname a bit viciously and Lena flinches at that. "But if you feel like you need to redeem yourself, using isotope 454 to save lives is the way to go, apply your genius mind to something good."  
  
    "You still trust me ? Knowing that I worked for Luthor Corp ?"  
  
    "I don’t care. To me you're Lena who reads books and cures cancer on her spare time. The fact that you worked for scumbags doesn't change that. If anything, I understand know why you don't like talking about Metropolis. And I won't pry if you don't want to, but if you want to talk about it, you can trust me."  
  
    Lena takes a deep breath and looks at Kara. Her smile is a bit forced, but it's here nonetheless and once she reaches out to rest her hand on Kara's, her body gradually relaxes. Kara threads their fingers together and tugs lightly until her friend comes rest in her arms.  
  
    "Thank you Kara." Lena mumbles, her face buried in the crook of her neck.  
  
    They stay like this for a short moment, until Lena breathes out slowly and detaches herself to walk back to the table. "I’m going to need to gather a few things but I should be able to engineer it here. And then we can start working."  
  
    "Sounds good." Kara says with what she hopes is an encouraging smile.  
  
    "In the mean time, how about lunch ?" Lena asks hesitantly. "This rollercoaster had me starving."  
  
    "Now you’re talking !"  
  
***  
  
    The trip back to the surface is considerably less dreary than their journey to the lab this morning. Lena is walking alongside Kara, letting their shoulders brush like the night before, and she’s excitedly chatting about the conception of her lab and equipment, Kara simply nodding along, blown away by how smart her friend is.  
      
    "And it turns out…" Lena says as she pushes open the hidden door that leads to the shop. "…that mixing lead with Nth metal up to twenty percent reduces by a hundred percent the risk of Bremsstrahlung radiation in case of radioactive leak. That’s what my lab’s made of."  
  
    "Well maybe you should consider making Mrs. Walters’ phone out of this because she broke it, again." Sam chimes in from the front of the shop ; Kara resents her for half a second, for breaking her perfect science bubble with Lena.  
  
    "God." Lena sighs. "I should just give this woman a loyalty card."  
  
    "You could really make her a phone out of Nth metal. I mean, it’s virtually unbreakable and very light." Kara cuts in. "But first, lunch, because you promised, and there’s a burger with my name on it waiting just across the street."  
  
    Lena lets herself be gently dragged out of the shop after Sam assures twice that she doesn't want to join them. Squinting in the sun, she resumes her nerding, this time about the possible applications of her alloy to space ships. Kara is very close to telling her how right she is about all of this, considering she knows a lot about space ships.  
  
    Neither of them look before crossing the street.  
  
    There's a screeching of tires and Kara turns her head just in time to see a black van speeding towards them. Instinct kicks in and she drapes Lena in her arms, shielding her with her body. When she remembers she's not invulnerable anymore, it's too late.  
  
    But the impact never comes. Instead, she finds herself safe and sound on the other side of the street with Lena still in her arms and Sam standing protectively in front of them not a single hair out of place. Before Kara can say or do anything, Lena tears herself away from her and backs up until she’s flattened against the wall, eyes wide, body trembling. Kara follows her line of sight to the van, upside down and fuming a couple of meters away. The three of them hold their breath until a man, giggling, and clearly drunk, comes crawling out of it. Ruby, that Kara didn’t even realise was here in the first place, is already calling 911.  
  
    Lena unpeels her eyes from the van and turns to Sam. "What did you do…" She takes a step towards her, falters, and violently pushes away Kara's helping hand while repeating : "What did you do…" Her eyes shift back to the van and she looks utterly terrified, like she’s expecting a giant spider to pop out of it to eat her. She's trembling from head to toes and Kara is at a loss for what to do, she reaches out, trying to steady her, but Lena pushes her away once more, focusing on Sam and mumbling words that grow more and more incoherent. "People can't know… I though he was coming to get me… Can't know… FBI… What d you do…" Until she collapses and Sam gathers her in her arms like she weights nothing. And takes her away.  
  
    Kara chases after them but doesn’t quite catch up, Sam is fast. She calls out her name, and Lena’s and nearly crashes into them when the former wheels around suddenly, the later clinging around her neck. "We’ll call you Kara, I promise, but right now, Lena and I need to talk." They’re gone in the blink of an eye, leaving Kara stranded on the pavement. The shop, that was still opened minutes ago, is now displaying a bright "Sorry we’re closed" sign. Even Ruby, is nowhere to be seen.  
  
***  
  
    Kara sits on the sidewalk, a bit dizzy, as Dolly blatantly lies to the paramedics, saying that Kara was the only one on the path of the van and that she's fine. Kara has never been to a regular hospital, and even depowered, she can't ; it would lead to too many questions. They must manage to convince them because they're gone in minutes, after she promises she'll go to Eliza is she feels unwell in any way.  
  
    The ambulance has just rounded the corner when Kara throws up on herself.  
  
    Dolly stays with her while she waits for Alex to pick her up, rubbing comforting circles on her back the whole time. "Does anybody even knows how to drive in this town ?" is her only comment on the situation ; and Kara feels like it's something that warrants laughter, but she really can't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could have left you on a cliffhanger, but I'm a nice person so I didn't ^^  
> This chapter was suposed to feature many more things but I got carried away but the science ^^ Which means that the next chapter is already planed out ! But I don't know when I'll be able to write it and post it as I'll be really busy for the remainder of the week  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and an identity reveal is coming, I swear, I just keep on getting sidetracked ^^


	14. It isn't getting easier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Danvers sisters talk, Kara finally puts words on something and then proceeds to throw stuff around a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will you be mad at me if I said that this chapter could have came to you at least 24h earlier if I hadn't spent so much time obsessing over the huge dialogue at the beginning and then rereading everything I wrote up to this point to see if it made sense ? Anyway, it's me, I'm here, tadam ! I had one hell of a week but I hope this chapter is good.
> 
> Title is from Broken Parts by The Maine
> 
> Back to my usual stuff so TW for suicidal thoughts, skip lines between "She isn't strong enough to protect anyone anymore." and "The week that follows is bleak." ; and a panic attack, skip lines between "Kara doesn't realise she's curled up on the floor, her belongings scattered around her, until the crowd starts closing in on her, offering unwanted help left right and center." and "And then a voice booms over every other sound." if it's something you feel like you need to avoid reading at the moment, otherwise, I hope you'll enjoy the chapter

    "I had a weird morning." Kara whispers, long after the characters on the screen have stopped talking.  
  
    "I don’t know why but I have a feeling this is a bit of an understatement."  
  
    The sisters are sitting on the couch, huddled against each other, the credits of the old movie they just watched rolling on the TV.  
  
    "Oh. It’s not just the car crash. Lena was acting strange."  
  
    "Strange how ?" Alex prompts.  
  
    "Well yesterday she was super excited at the idea of us…" Kara stops to carefully select her next words, deeply aware of the promise she made to the other girl to not say anything about their work, though she isn’t sure of what’s going to happen now. "… seeing more of each other. And when she walked me home, we even hugged. But this morning she was really distant, guarded. Then happy. Then we had kind of a heart to heart and she freaked out. Then she was happy, excited. And then, boom, car crash and she freaked out again."  
  
    "Anybody would be freaked out by a car crash."  
  
    "It’s. Not. Just. The. Car. Crash. Alex." Kara says angrily before taking a deep breath. "Sorry."  
  
    "It’s okay. You’re allowed to be a bit shaken up by your morning. Now explain to me what happened, because I know you’re lying." Alex says, a bit sternly.  
  
    "How do always you do that ?" Kara whines.  
  
    "I'm an agent trained in the process of interrogation and I was engaged to a detective." A slight shadow passes on her face and she takes a deliberately slow breath. "Also, I'm your sister."  
  
    "I kind of promised not to say anything…"  
  
    "Is it classified ? Did you signed an NDA ? Is Lena a secret agent ?"  
  
    "Well…"  
  
    "Oh God Kara how do you always get tangled in crazy stuff ?"  
  
    "I did not signed an NDA !"  
  
    "So she’s a secret agent ?"  
  
    "No ! She’s not ! It’s just, I promised not to say anything. We’re doing science stuff together. She’s really really smart you know." Kara says, deeply aware of the smile that stretches on her face.  
      
    "Science…?"  
  
    "I’m not going to expose myself. I’m being careful. It’s just nice to be able to do something I like. For once."  
  
    "Oh no, that’s not what I was thinking about. I just thought it was a euphemism for gay sex." Alex says matter-of-factly.  
  
    "Alex ! I’m being serious !" Kara says, darting away from her sister's embrace to sit cross legged, facing her.  
  
    "Alright. Alright. It’s just that the two of you spend a lot of time together. And she gave you her jacket the first time you met her." Alex shrugs, also turning to face Kara. "A leather jacket." She adds. "That screams lesbian."  
  
    "We are not doing gay stuff together. We’re being gay, separately." Kara screeches, trying to fight the heat that’s creeping on her cheeks.  
  
    "If you say so." Alex chuckles, slowly raising an eyebrow.  
  
    "I’m saying so." Kara bites back petulantly.  
  
    "But you like her, right ?" Alex asks, her tone gentler, a soft encouraging smile spreading on her face.  
  
    "I." Kara has to stop. Not because she has to think about it, but because she’s not sure if she wants to say what she’s about to say, if she wants to put it out there. It’s not something she needs to ponder over because she knows she likes Lena. Even if, more often than not, she doesn’t want to think about it. Lena is funny, and smart, and Kara loves spending time with her. When she allows herself to look at her, she can’t help but to be struck time and time again by how effortlessly beautiful she is. Being around her is easy in the cruelest of ways. She wants to tell her everything, but she can't. She's confusing, guarded, enticing, but she can't ask everything she wants. There's a glass wall between them. She can reach out, but she can't touch ; she can like from afar, but she can't ever let herself love and cherish. "Yes." She says, so low that she barely hears herself. "Yes I like her."  
  
    "I sense a but here." Alex says cautiously.  
  
    "Because there is one !" Kara shouts, feeling annoyance rising inside of her. "Me liking Lena it has to stay an abstract thing. I can't even allow myself to think about it because if I do I know my mind will just run along with it and make it worse."  
  
    "Why can't you allow yourself to like her ?"  
  
    "You know why Alex."  
  
    "I know why I think it's not a good idea, but my opinion on this doesn’t matter." Alex shrugs. "I want to hear your point of view."  
  
    "Because I'm lying to her and it isn't fair."  
  
    "You don't owe anyone your other identity Kara, and you know that."  
  
    "It's not just the Supergirl thing. It's all the other things. The things I can't tell her about growing up on Krypton, about my culture, my life. I want to tell her about those things. She thinks I'm russian for Rao's sakes ! I can't even tell her that I'm dying !"  
  
    "You are not dying Kara."  
  
    "Don't play dumb Alex. You know it's going to happen sooner rather than later. That's kind of the point with Kryptonite." She sighs, slightly annoyed by the fact that Alex stills chooses not to see the truth about this. "And it makes me so mad. Because given any other circumstances, I could have tried to woo her. I would have asked her out. I would have unbuilt her walls until she would have trusted me with the things she won't tell me know. We would have had time. We would have had the right to get to know each other. We can't. And this is so unfair."  
      
    "It is." Alex admits softly. "It’s unfair, and messed up, and I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better."  
  
    "Even without being Supergirl, I’m never going to get to have a regular life. They took Supergirl away from me and I'm not even getting the benefit of being normal."  
  
    "I…"  
  
    "I feel awful all the time and when I do get to feel good, it blows up immediately."  
  
    "Lena is kind of at fault for this you know ?" Alex interrupts cautiously.  
  
    "What do you mean ?"  
  
    "Well if she can’t decide what she wants from you and isn’t being completely honest either, then it’s on her too." Alex says, carefully weighting her words. "Everytime you talk to me about Lena, you have this dreamy look on your face, but it's always followed by your crinkle. One day it's because she got upset about something, the next one it's because she changed the subject abruptly. You're already constantly on edge because of everything else, and the way she acted this morning gave you emotional whiplash. You care about her, and you’re allowed to be upset about this."  
  
    "Well I don’t feel like I should be upset about this."  
  
    "I get it. I used to feel the same way around Maggie."  
  
    "You did ?"  
  
    "Yeah. Especially near the end. I was mad at myself for assuming things about her, things about what she might want for the future. And I refused to see the fact that she had assumed things about me too, because I didn't want to be mad at her. I forced myself not to be mad at her. And it’s not very healthy." Alex chuckles sadly. "You need to allow yourself to be upset with her. Even if you like her. Especially if you like her."  
  
    "Everything is just so confusing…" Kara whispers. "I just want one simple thing in my life. One."  
  
    "Pancakes are simple. Donuts are simple. But people Kara, they’re one hell of a mess."  
  
    "This is a weirdly wise thing to say."  
  
    "It is. But I don’t know why I said it."  
  
    Their eyes meet and it doesn't take much more for the tension to dissolve into a fit of giggles. Kara's laugh though, is slightly bittersweet ; and when their laughter finally abates and Alex wipes a few tears from the corner of her eye, the subsequence silence feels hollow and strained.  
  
***  
  
    Sam doesn’t call. And neither does Lena. Instead, Kara receives a hasty text late in the night stating that Lena is okay but needs to rest and take time for herself ; and that she'll let her now when they can see each other again. She receives a second, even shorter one, asking her to keep quiet on what she saw Sam's do. The third simply asks her to delete the previous one.  
  
    She’s both relieved that Lena is feeling well enough to text her and mad that this is all she gets. The angry part wins and she throws her phone to the other side of the room without replying. When she has calmed down enough to think about texting back, she is too tired to go fetch her phone.  
  
    She doesn’t sleep though, and is awake to hold Alex through a Maggie induced crying fit.  
  
    The following day is spent trying to keep as busy as one can on a Sunday. She doubles her morning run while trying to keep her thoughts at bay with a complicated podcast. But the whispery voice of the radio host and the subject of the show end up creeping her out and have her running like a mad alien, convinced that she's being watched, until she collapses from exhaustion on the front porch of the house. She spends the rest of the day playing boardgames with Alex and Eliza, Streaky sleeping on her lap like the cat knows she needs the extra comfort.  
  
    When the sun has set and the Monopoly board has been put back on top of the living room cabinet, Kara goes for a walk. She lets her feet take her to the beach, and wanders around a bit until she sits down on the exact same spot where she watched the stars with Lena. Looking up at the night sky under which Lena had looked so beautiful, Kara finally circles back to a thought she has tried to keep away for the past two days ; another thing that she can’t share with Alex.  
  
    What if Sam hadn’t been here ?  
  
    What if Sam weren’t a superhuman being ?  
  
    What if the car had crashed into them ?  
  
    Because one thing is sure, Kara wouldn’t have been able to save Lena. She wouldn't have been strong enough to shield her from the impact. She isn't strong enough to protect anyone anymore. For a short moment, she finds herself creepily comforted by the idea that at least, they would have died together ; but she shakes the thought as soon as it present itself. She can wish death on herself, but she won't take anyone down with her.  
  
    The sound of the waves isn’t soothing tonight. Instead, the relentless crashing of the ocean against the shore drives Kara crazy, clogging her hearing with noise and trapping her thoughts inside her head.  
  
    She runs all the way home ; afraid that staying one more second on the beach will push her to drown herself, leaving Alex alone earlier than she will have to.  
  
    The week that follows is bleak. Lena doesn’t show up once at the library, and her shop stays closed. The flat seems deserted, the blinds are drawn, with no light passing through. Kara's evening walk leads her there three times before she realises that maybe Lena is staying at Sam's ; and she has no idea where Sam lives.  
  
    Time drags on as Kara accumulates an impressive collection of crooked paper animals that slowly takes over her desk at the library. She gives a few out to curious kids, but never the pterodactyl-cranes ; these are Lena's.  
  
    The weather seems to counteract her mood purely out of spite. The first drafts of autumn that had begin to show up have been replaced by a bright sun. It doesn't prevent Kara from feeling bone chilling cold all the time. She stacks sweater over sweater on her pale skin but still feels frozen to the core no matter what.  
  
    In a matter of days, her carefully crafted routine crumbles apart and the fact that her late afternoons with Lena have been replaced by pointless hours pouring over files with Alex does nothing to improve her mood. She snaps at her sister twice in as many days before Alex decides to put away the files for the time being and offers to spar with her instead. Kara is left with bruises that make her feel a tiny bit better.  
  
    By the time saturday rolls around, Kara is tired from her routine being upturned, sore from all the sparring, sad because Lena still hasn't called her. To top it all, she comes back from a run that she forced herself to go on to find out that Eliza has decided to clean her room, and though it's a nice gesture and things have mostly been put back were they belong, Kara still spots some misplaced items that seem to jump at her in a nearly aggressive manner. Like the book she's reading that has been displaced five centimeters to the right, or her sketchbook that now sits on the left side of her desk instead of next to her easel. She doesn't want to get angry about these kinds of petty things, but nothing is working her way, and before she can help herself, she throws her sketchbook across the room. It bounces off the wall and falls open on her bed.  
  
    Kara has to consciously take several deep breaths to force away the hot flashes of unreasonable anger. Her jaw is so tight that her teeth hurt when she manages to unclench them ; and her palms are covered in half moons when she uncurls her hands. She feels ridiculous.  
  
    She crosses the room in a couple of strides and picks up the sketchbook as gently as she can manage. It's dented on the cover but it's not what she notices first. The sketchbook opened on a portrait, and Lena is staring right at her from the yellowish paper. She did it from memory, the morning after she first noticed the slight difference in the colour of her eyes. It's a simple sketch done in graphite pencil with only the iris coloured in and the more Kara looks at it, the more she feels like it doesn't do Lena justice at all.  
  
    And well, her easel is right here.  
  
***  
  
    It's absurd really, because she's got the exact shade of green memorised, she sees it when she closes her eyes, but it doesn't transfer to the canvas. And now her green paint tube is empty and she's increasingly close to throwing the whole thing out the window. Lena's lifeless eyes taunt her and she has to turn away from her easel, her shaking hand splattering greenish paint everywhere. One by one, she forces her finger to release their hold on the paintbrush and carefully puts it down, slowly turning back to face her painting again. Absentmindedly she combs her hand through her disheveled hair, distantly aware of the fact that she must be making a mess of it with her sticky fingers ; and takes a decision in a matter of seconds, she needs more paint.  
  
    Kara doesn't ask for a ride to the supermarket. Instead, she walks to the nearest bus stop and waits here longer than is acceptable for a public service. People usually drive their cars around here so it's only her and an elderly couple who eyes her curiously. She caught sight of herself before leaving the house and she knows she's covered in paint ; combined with her dirty hair and her sick skin, she looks terrible. There's a crack on one of the windows that make up the stop and Kara can't help but tap at it, waiting for the moment it's going to break, willing for it to break. It's still standing by the time she gets on the bus.  
  
    The supermarket is crowded. It's crowded and loud because it's saturday and of course people are grocery shopping, with their loud kids. It takes Kara twenty minutes to find the arts and craft section because she doesn't want to ask for directions and by the time she gets there, she's ready to never set foot in this place again. There's a salesperson loudly trying to sell smoked tuna in aisle seven. It makes her want to curl up on herself and call Alex so she can pick her up. The store doesn't even sell off brands supplies and she has to settle for overpriced paint. When she tries to check her bank account, her phone crashes. She bumps into seven persons on the way to the tills. This place makes her skin crawl. She needs to get out. But a middle aged blonde woman, probably a former Miss Midvale, is having a fit because her coupon has expired and she's holding up the entire queue. Kids are crying, parents start pesting, and the store is so loud.  
  
    Kara doesn't realise she's curled up on the floor, her belongings scattered around her, until the crowd starts closing in on her, offering unwanted help left right and center.  
  
    She cannot breathe.  
  
    Her heart is pounding away like crazy, air doesn't reach her clogged lungs. Everything is too loud, too bright, too tight. She's dying, she's sure of it.  
  
    And then a voice booms over every other sound. Through her daze, Kara clings to its semi-familiarity like a castaway to a life raft.  
  
    "EVERYBODY MOVE. NOW. GIVE HER SPACE TO BREATHE. MOVE YOU FUCKERS. Sorry Ruby. I SAID MOVE."  
  
    The crowd recedes slightly and Sam shuffles through before dropping to her knees next to Kara.  
  
    "Kara ? Can you hear me ? It’s Sam." Her voice is steady and strong, and Kara tries to focus on it, willing for the sounds of her distressed body to retreat to the background. "I’m going to need you to breathe for me. Can you do that ?"  
  
    Kara nods. Or at least she thinks she does, maybe she just shivers ; it’s so cold.  
  
    She vaguely registers Sam asking for permission to touch her and she must gives it because suddenly Sam’s hand is on her chest and her hand is on Sam’s chest and Sam is matching her ragged breathing to bring it to slow down. It should be working ; it usually does. But Sam’s hand is burning and the soft touch is too much for Kara ; she recoils from it.  
  
    She needs Alex, she asks for Alex. Or at least she thinks she does, maybe she just whimpers.  
  
    In the distance, beyond the roaring in her ears, she thinks she hears Sam apologizing, and suddenly, she’s being effortlessly lifted of the ground. Sam carves her way through the crowd and rapidly makes her way out of the store and to her car, where she carefully deposits Kara on the backseat like she’s fragile and precious. She doesn’t ask how Sam knows the way to her house, all she registers is that she’s being taken to Alex. From the passenger seat, Ruby makes her count all the way to a hundred, twice, until Kara’s breathing settles and the pounding of her heart subsides.  
  
    Sam stops in the Danvers’ alley in a screeching of tires and honks twice before gathering Kara in her arms and making her way to the house. She’s in front of the door before Eliza has had time to open it.  
  
    She’s strong. And fast.  
  
    Probably as strong and as fast as Kara herself used to be. Because Kara may be feeling dizzy and broken, but she’s sure that not a second has passed between the moment Sam picked her up from the car like she weights nothing and the moment they materialised on the porch. She knows she probably won’t be able to ask, and that they won’t talk about it ; but just knowing is already something.  
  
***  
  
    Kara awakes in her bed to hushed whispers and the soft, but present, scent of cinnamon and sweet orange. A calloused hand is holding her own so Alex must be here as well. She doesn’t open her eyes, well intending on drifting back to sleep. She hasn’t felt so safe in a long long time, and the voices of two of her favourite persons are more efficient than a lullaby. Until she hears a name that makes her guts twist, a name that she isn’t used to hearing in such a soft spoken way.  
  
    "Luthor."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The podcast Kara is listening to at the beginning of the chapter is "Welcome to Night Vale", it's a really good podcast. 
> 
> I really obsessed over this chapter so i hope it was worthwhile. Also, the supermarket scene has been planned for sooo long it's nearly insane. It was supposed to be at least in chapter 11 but I kept on getting sidetracked ^^ Anyway, I'll be back soonish with a new chapter !


	15. The world could divide us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reveal happens in this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can thanks Taylor Swift for getting this chapter today and not sunday when I would have been back from my 36h mission (Stream ME! you cowards). Of course, I twisted a line from another of her songs to get the title for this chapter.   
> Be mindful of the POV change in this chapter. Kara is out most of it so we're jumping into Lena's mind for this one ! (Should be fun ^^)  
> It's a bit shorter than the others, but I hope you'll enjoy it nonetheless

    Lena is sitting at Kara's desk, as far away from the bed as can be, it's the only thing that she can do to prevent herself from reaching out to touch the battered body in front of her. Agent Danvers is sitting in a plushy armchair of a slightly discoloured blue. It must have been brought closer to the bed so that she can hold her sister’s hand because Lena notices a darker patch of floor where the armchair must be usually shielding the wood from the sun. Kara’s arm is sticking out from under the cover at an odd, probably uncomfortable angle, and she sees again the clunky wristband that she has been hiding under sweaters ever since she first saw her at the diner. This time however, it is surrounded by a sick green tint that seems to spread on Kara's wrist like spiderweb. Lena files it away for later, but she can't bear to look at it much longer.   
  
    There isn’t much else to look at in the room ; a closet with the door slightly ajar, bookshelves crammed with books, and more books neatly stacked on the floor. On the desk are notes written in a different alphabet that Lena has definitely seen before but won't dwell on for now ; as well as an impressive amount of paper birds. And to her left, is an easel with a painting of what is most certainly her face if only for the large violent streak of green where her eyes should be and that is not something she feels like she should be looking at. Because the fact that Kara wants to paint her makes her feel a tingly warmth, and she's not sure it's the way she should react. She choses to settle her gaze on a large painting of a reddish urban landscape which looks straight out of sci-fi movie.   
  
    She was right. The woman she saw behind the window of Kara’s living room when she walked her home is the agent that interrogated her all those months ago. But she was wrong about everything else ; because unless she is lying, and Lena has the wishful hope that she isn’t, neither Agent Danvers nor her sister are in Midvale to report on her. And the driver who nearly killed her was just a drunk asshole with a scary looking car.   
  
    Alex Danvers is studying her with rapt attention, and a hint of curiosity, like she’s looking for something in Lena. There is no fury in her gaze, no hatred ; in fact, it’s almost gentle, like she knows Lena took a giant leap of faith by showing up at Kara’s house. Lena couldn't not have came though. The moment Ruby called her with the news that something had happened to Kara, she was on her way with not a single thought for the consequences.  
  
    "You can ask questions you know ?" Lena says, not taking her eyes of the painting. "I did."  
  
    "You didn't ask questions so much as begged me to be quick if I was here to kill you, so, I won't pry. Glasses and a haircut though ? That's a shitty disguise." Alex says plainly.   
  
    "At least that's something we can agree on." Lena says, briefly glancing from the painting to Kara. "But it seems to work for everyone else."  
  
    "Well, I'm a bit smarter than your average person." Alex says flatly, in a way that allows Lena to perceive without looking what is probably a very unamused face. "And so are you." She adds after a beat. "How about a question for a question ?"  
  
    "You and I both know there are things we're not willing to answer to Agent Danvers."  
  
    "Just Alex. And okay, how about a question for a question and a joker then."  
  
    "Two, and you’ve got yourself a deal." Lena replies with what she hopes is her most business like voice to hide the trembling fear that she could be stepping right into a disastrous conversation.  
  
    "Deal." Alex says, and without further ado : "What are you doing in Midvale ?"  
  
    "Funny, I was about to ask you the same question." Lena sighs. "I wanted to get away from everything. But my chinese is a bit rusty so I stopped when I encountered the sea. You ?"  
  
    "Joker."  
  
    "You know that's not going to be helpful to the conversation if I still believe you're here for me."  
  
    "I can't tell you why I'm in Midvale because it's not for me to disclose. But I promise you I had no idea that you were here. I'm not here to report on you and I'm not here to kill you." She speaks softly, detaching every word like she's trying to drill them into Lena's brain. "Jury's still up on if I can trust you."  
  
    "You are right. You have no reason to trust me. After all, I am a Luthor." Lena says, failing at keeping the bite out of her voice.   
  
    "You are not A Luthor, you are Lena Luthor, and you are your own person." Lena has never heard anyone say her name like this. It's not full of pride the way Lionel, Lillian and Lex used to say it ; but it's also far from the vengeful tone everybody else use. It's normal, and Lena has never heard anyone say her name in a normal voice. She looks down from the painting to face Alex, like she's expecting to find a DEO worthy poker face that would counteract the new normalcy of her name, but the agent is smiling. "Unless you're here to kill my sister, my reasons to mistrust you have nothing to do with your family."  
  
    "And why would I want to kill your sister ?"  
  
    "Don't play dumb."  
  
    "Oh I'm not dumb." Lena replies matter-of-factly. "I just want to make sure you know I'm not. But if that means anything to you, I know secrets are secrets for a reason. And I also don't want to make a fool of myself if I'm wrong about this. Am I wrong though ?"  
  
    "Secrets are secrets for a reason Lena Luthor." Alex fires back, raising an eyebrow.  
  
    "Fair enough." Lena takes a sip of the tea doctor Danvers made for her. It’s made exactly the way she drinks it and it’s the brand that she likes ; apparently, Kara liked it enough to have it imported here and the thought warms her more than the beverage itself. "Why don’t you trust me ? If it’s not because I’m a Luthor ?" She says, going back to looking at the painting.  
  
    "I don’t trust anyone who gets close enough to hurt my sister." Alex says simply, like it's obvious ; and well, in a world where her name isn't attached to terrorism, Lena supposes it is obvious. "It’s not personal. And now that I know enough to see the bigger picture, I guess I can understand why you reacted the way you did. But I’m still not happy about it."  
  
    "I can understand that." Lena concedes. "Can I ask you something ?"  
  
    "Isn’t that what we’re doing here ?"  
  
    "Can you not tell Kara ? That I’m a Luthor I mean ? I will tell her myself."  
  
    The silence that follows her question is a bit too long for Lena’s liking. She can't help but feel uncomfortable under the suddenly firmer stare of the agent. Unsuccessfully, she tries to squash the rising fear that she misjudged the situation and doesn't have any ally here. The flight part of her instinct is about to take over her guts when Alex firmly answers her question with another question.  
  
    "Would you have told her ? If it weren't for me knowing about you ?"  
  
    "I. I don't know. I want to tell you that I would have but... This situation is complicated." Lena hates that she stammers, hates the vulnerability and openness that Kara brings to her ; even when Kara  herself is too unconscious to realise she's doing so. She wants to be stronger, needs to be stronger in this situation, but one look at her, and she has to fight against her sudden own thirst for truth and honesty.   
  
    "That's a bit of an understatement." Alex says, her tone flat and cold.  
      
    "I just want to be somebody else than Lex Luthor's little sister to her. I'm more than that."  
  
    "I'll be honest with you." Alex says with an apologetic tone that freezes Lena's insides. "She isn't your family's biggest fan. But I think she knows you enough to see beyond this. At least I hope so, for your sake. I mean, she can be a bit headstrong, especially at the moment, but she'll see reason if you chose to trust her. And for the record, I know that you're more than a regular Luthor."  
  
    "How can you be so sure that I'm not, I don't know, playing the long con ?" It comes out impulsively and really Lena wonders why she bothers with keeping a facade anymore.  
  
    "I have a friend who is, really perceptive. The man that was with me in Metropolis. He believed in you."  
  
    "Believed ?" Lena says, glancing back at Alex.  
  
    "I don't think he is in a position to believe or trust anyone right now."  
  
    "It’s the Martian, right ?" Lena asks carefully. "He was on TV when they arrested Supergirl." She clarifies when Alex fails at masking her surprise. "Is he dead ?"  
  
    "Right. I'd forgotten it was all over the news." Alex says bitterly. "J’onn J'onzz is family. He was labelled as a traitor yet they were very happy to use his powers."  
  
    "So that's how you cleared me ?"  
  
    "Yeah."  
  
    Lena mulls over her next question for a few second, unsure of if she wants to know the answer to this one. She takes a sip of her lukewarm tea, studying the painting again, doing what she can to mask a vulnerability that isn't for Alex's eyes. "And would you trust me if your friend hadn't read my mind ?"  
  
    "I honestly don't know."  
  
    A brief flicker of hurt passes on Lena's face, but she's used to this, used to being just another Luthor. That's precisely why she decided to leave Metropolis and her adoptive name behind. "Thank you for being honest with me. I appreciate it."  
      
    "Well, I wasn't going to use a joker for that one, I don't think it would have been a good trust-building decision." It comes out as half a joke and when Lena glances away from the painting Alex has an awkward smile dancing on her face. She doesn't feel any better, but she appreciates the slight effort at lightening up the mood.  
  
    "You know." Alex continues after a while. "Kara isn't big on lying. Well I mean, she hides the truth a lot, but it makes her feel terrible. She didn't say anything about what the two of you were doing together though. I asked, but she was very evasive on the subject. You mean a lot to her. If she does get mad about the Luthor thing, hang on to her."  
  
    Lena was hoping that it would be the case, that even after going MIA for a week, she wouldn't have pushed Kara away enough for her to break her trust. Still, she'd been bracing for disappointment, like always, and Alex's words are a relief. She's pondering over what to say, because she doesn't know how to thanks Alex and she isn't the one she ought to apologize to. It's Kara who she wants to talk, Kara who she misses, Kara who is lying only a few feet away but who is emotionally unattainable. Kara who just opened her eyes and looks confused, and a bit scared, when seconds ago she was battered, but peacefully asleep.   
  
    She struggles to push herself up in a sitting position. The momentum is here, but not the strength, and Alex has to untangle their hands so she can help her up.   
  
    Lena wants to reach out ; she doesn’t.   
  
    She feels like she's not really breathing until Kara looks up and their eyes meet for the first time in a week. The blue orbs are hollow, buried under heavy purple circles, but Lena would swear they suddenly shine a special glint when they meet her own and a small tentative smile stretches on Kara's face. A stupid little "hi" is about to tumble from her lips when Kara seems to school herself, wiping the smile from her face, and turns abruptly to Alex. "What were you saying about the Luthors ?"  
  
    Lena's heart drops to the bottom of her stomach. Of course. Of course Kara would have been awake enough to catch this. Of course Kara would have been conscious enough to hear her name. Nothing ever goes Lena's way.   
  
    To her credit, Alex does the "confused and surprised" face really well ; but apparently it’s the same as her "something happened and I'm hiding it from Kara" face because it's exactly what Kara says. And Lena and Alex have known each other for roughly two hours, they don't know each others tell, and they certainly can't communicate wordlessly. There is no avoiding the wreck.  
  
    "They were on TV." Alex says hurriedly just as Lena sputters "I was just sharing my background with your sister."  
  
    "None of you watch the news." Kara says dragging her words like she's giving them a chance to backtrack. "Lena, was that really what you were talking about ?" She adds, a hint of deception seeping in her voice. "Because my other theory is that Sam abducted me and that one of you is actually Lillian Luthor with a lot of botox, and I don't like that theory."  
  
    Lena knows that her brain should be going a million miles an hour, working to fix this, but the more she tries to find a solution, the more everything she could possibly say disappears before she can grasp it, her mind collapsing into one giant black hole of words swirling away. Her breath catches in her throat and she has to focus on breathing correctly as she witnesses Kara decomposing and probably believing that Lena trusted Alex quicker than she trusted her.   
  
    "Please." Kara whispers. "Answer me." Her voice is thick, and she sounds genuinely distraught, and it occurs to Lena that though she herself was happy to see her open her eyes, Kara did had a panic attack today and is probably on edge, and she should really try to say something. She's fidgeting with her wristband in a way that is dangerous if it is what Lena think it is, and she's rapidly glancing between her sister, Lena and the door, like she truly does believe that Lillian is about to barge in. Lena looks at Alex and it seems they're going for the non-verbal communication anyway because on her face she can read clear as day "It's your call".  
  
    Damn it.  
  
    "Lena Kieran Luthor." Lena says in one breath like saying it quickly will somehow be less painful. "That's my name. Lena Luthor."  
  
    Lena doesn't immediately regret talking. It takes about fifteen seconds, the first five of which she feels oddly relieved before seeing Kara's face fighting off a myriad of emotions and then settling on a blank, almost mechanic, expression that makes Lena feel like she plunged into a pool of ice cold water.  
  
    "And it didn't occur to you that it's something you should have shared with me ? That I could have maybe benefitted from knowing this information ?" Kara speaks through gritted teeth, sitting straight and piercing through Lena with a hard stare that she has never experienced from her before. Alex half rises from her seat but Kara's arm shoots up in front of her to prevent her from going much farther.  
  
    "And why, Kara Danvers, do you think that I owed you my name ?" The words spill out before she can think twice about them and this time Lena regrets them before they even finish leaving her mouth. Backed against the wall, her instincts flared up, and she reacted as a true Luthor.   
  
    Lillian would be proud.  
  
    Kara's arm drops back on the bed and shock freezes her face even more. They clearly both weren't expecting the conversation to take this turn and Lena wants nothing more than to rewind the last ten minutes. Her lips start moving to form a short sentence over and over again : "One normal thing. One normal thing." And Lena isn't sure if she should interrupt to say she is sorry, or if she should interrupt to say she isn't sorry at all. She is sorry for herself, because she egoistically wished she never opened her goddamn mouth, but she isn't sorry for Kara who reacted to her name like everybody, she isn't about to be sorry for someone who isn't any different.  
  
    With the way free, Alex stands from the armchair and sits next to Kara, rubbing comforting circles on her back as she starts rocking back and forth. She's panicking. Lena decides to squash every single one of her thoughts to focus on finding a way to help her friend, to be useful to her. She too rises from her seat but she hasn't taken two steps in Kara's direction before ragged words reach her ears. "Leave. I want you to leave."  
  
    "Kara..."  
      
    "Get out !"  
  
    It feels like a slap in the face. Not because these words are new to her, but because she was still naively hoping that things would go differently with Kara. Alex, who was supporting her not long ago, who asked her to hang on, to stay for Kara, is now shaking her head sadly. "Not now."  
  
    "I wanted to be more than Lex Luthor's little sister to you." She whispers, before quietly closing a door that she wants to fucking slam. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I said "A reveal", not "The reveal" Can I get out on a technicality ? :) But hey ! Lena isn't stupid ^^  
> But I promise I will fix things soon ! We're getting there people, please stick with me !
> 
> (There might still be typos out there because I posted this chapter in a bit of a hurry but I'll come back to them once I'm free from work ^^ Shower me with comments while I'm out dealing with children ^^)
> 
> While I'm here, if you want updates on my hectic writing schedule you can follow me on Twitter @GoodGirlGoneGay ; and if you want to see my face you can find me on Instagram @ClaraMirabelle, where I mostly scream about Supergirl in the story thing


	16. Not beyond repair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hereby begins a long overdue talk…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked, I delivered. So this chapter goes with the next one, kind of like a bundle, but depression happened, I got delayed in my writing and only this one is ready to be posted. I did a little twitter poll and the people have spoken so instead of having you wait for too long so I could post the two chapters back to back, I'm posting this one now and the next one hopefully in the next couples of days, I'll do my best. 
> 
> Title for this chapter is from Broken Part by The Maine.
> 
> If you're sensitive to these kind of things, I'd suggest you avoid reading from "A wave of nausea rolls over her" to "Her nausea recedes as fast as it appeared"
> 
> I hope I didn't miss anything too horrendous during editing ^^

    Kara regrets her reaction the moment Lena leaves, the door softly closing behind her. Her mind leaps out of bed to follow her but her body stays firmly rooted into place. Alex's hand feels heavier than lead and she tries to use the sensation to ground herself, to bring herself back to a reality where her mind isn't chasing after Lena and where her body isn’t completely useless ; but her breathing gets caught in her throat again and everything is blurry.  
  
    One normal thing. She just needs one simple and normal thing.  
  
    She can feel the vibrations of Alex's voice but doesn’t hear what she is saying, the words mix with the roaring in her ears making everything jumbled. She tries to focus on this, on Alex's presence rather than on Lena's absence. Little by little, deep breath after deep breath, the weight on her back becomes more soothing, warmth seeping into her cold bones, and the air becomes easier to breathe. But by the time Kara regains enough sense to formulate anything other than panicky thoughts, Lena is long gone, and it would be pointless to run after her. Nonetheless, her first complete sentence is : "I need to go after her. I…"  
  
    "What you need to do," Alex interrupts, "is to take a moment to think about what happened. Running after her isn’t going to do either of you any good."  
  
    "I need to apologize Alex !"  
  
    "Do you even know why you need to apologize ?" This cause Kara to pause long enough for Alex to carry on. "If you run after her now, you’re going to apologize only because you’re scared of loosing her and it will carry no meaning. Maybe it'll be better if we first try to figure out why Lena being a Luthor upsets you."  
  
    "I…" Kara's stomach churns as she mulls over her thoughts, trying to make sense of them. There's a piece of dead skin sticking out on her thumb and she gets the urge to pick at it ; Alex's hand comes to cover her owns in a light grasp.  
  
    "Take your time." She says, tugging on Kara’s sweater to cover the kryptonite wristband she hadn’t even realised was exposed in the first place. The wristband that Lena probably saw. Kara wonders if she enjoyed seeing her brother's handiwork. There's a small thought that rises at the back of her mind that's telling her that Lena isn't like that, but she squashes it ruthlessly. She doesn't know who Lena is.  
  
    "She’s a Luthor. She’s a Luthor, and she’s in Midvale. I'm Supergirl and I'm also in Midvale and just, it's a weird coincidence considering that her mother has been allegedly involved in the murder of aliens and that her brother killed hundreds of people just to get to Kal. And is now legally killing me."  
  
    "In her defense, she also thought that it was a weird coincidence that a DEO agent would be in the same city as her." Alex interjects calmly. "She thought we were keeping an eye on her."  
  
    "I just." Kara says, her whole body tensing like a spring. "I don't like that name. Luthor. I don't like what it hides, and I don't like what it entails. Her family's entire ideology literally revolves on getting rid of people like me."  
  
    "But has she done anything herself to harm you ?"  
  
    "Why are you so quick to defend her ?! I’m your sister for Rao’s sakes !" Kara rips her hands from underneath Alex's wrenching them and tugging at her fingers like she's trying to break them or is seconds away from losing it and punching something.  
  
    "Why are you so quick to attack her ? I don't want you to lose your friend because of your initial gut reaction." Alex says calmly, slightly shifting away from Kara, sadly aware of the physical damage that her angry sister could cause. "And I'm afraid that I made things worse for you by bringing you in on my investigation and sharing my thoughts about Lillian Luthor."  
  
    "It’s not you Alex, and not your investigation. Or it’s not just that." Kara forces herself to take several deep breaths and rests her tensed hands on her lap. "When I hear the name Luthor, all I can think about is pain. Pain in my body and pain in my head. And there is someone out here with this name who hates me enough to want to eradicate me even though we never met. And his little sister is my friend. I have let my guard down enough for Lex Luthor's sister get close to me. I’m in pain all the time because of a Luthor. I’m dying because of a Luthor."  
  
    "Sounds to me like you have a problem with the Luthors. Not with Lena." Alex says shifting closer to Kara again, until their shoulders are touching and she can feel her sister almost imperceptibly leaning against her for comfort. "You're in a hard place. And you just went through a tough week. You reacted out of legitimate fear, but don't lose someone you love because of it. Hear her out. I trust her and J'onn did too. Let her explain to you why she chose another name for herself. It could be worth it."  
  
    "She wanted to be more than Lex Luthor’s little sister…" Kara whispers, her voice cracking with a kind of vulnerability that she doesn't want to give to a Luthor but that maybe she can give to Lena.  
  
    "She did lie to you, without knowing how much this would mean. But it would be a bit hypocritical to be mad about that. I’m telling it like it is !" Alex briefly chuckles at Kara’s offended look.      
  
    "Is she even going to want to talk to me…? I wouldn't want to talk to me."  
  
    "She cares about you. You overreacted earlier and you are doing it again now. And I think you should give her a chance. You should give yourself a chance." Alex's voice is telling her all the things she wants to tell herself but can't bring herself to. The words are cutting through the fog in her brain like a lighthouse but behind the fog are more unsteady thoughts threatening to crumble and it's hard to stay focused.  
  
    "And she's going to have questions and I won't be able to answer. I'm tired of having to tiptoe around everything all the time. I am tired Alex !" The almost shrill of her own voice makes Kara want to curl up on herself and it's only Alex's presence that keeps her talking. "I want to walk up to her and say, 'I'm an alien ! Sorry I freaked out about your last name !' But that's not even remotely a possibility. I mean, you’re right ! How can I expect her to be honest if I’m not honest myself."  
  
    "That's not the same thing, the two of you are in different situations."  
  
    "Diametrically opposed situations ! A Luthor and a Super, that spells disaster."  
  
    "Try." Alex says like it's that easy. "You got to know each others as people who are neither Supergirl nor a Luthor. If what she showed you about herself is true, then maybe it's worth trying. I know it may seems like I'm pushing, and that you want me to have your back and to agree with you, but there are a lot of things I can't help you with right now, a lot of things I can't protect you from. I can help with making sense of what's in your head and not losing your friend."  
  
    "But what do I say Alex ? I can't tell her I'm Supergirl."  
  
    "Apologize for overreacting, the rest will work itself out."  
  
    "But how ?" Kara asks pointedly, trying hard to keep her frustration at bay.  
  
    "I just have a feeling it will." Alex shrugs, looking away.  
  
    The part of Kara that thinks that building something based on the feeling that things are going to be alright is dumb and risky can't hold a fight against the part of her that is screaming to listen to Alex and just go for it. Even if so much as thinking about the name "Luthor" makes her body ache. And putting it next to Lena tears her in two completely different and painful directions. Because Lena isn't pain, she's warmth, and kindness, and a light that Kara can't find anywhere else. And if she plucks the name Luthor out of Lena, then Lena is just Lena. Someone who she cares about, someone who Alex apparently trusts.  
      
    Someone who she doesn't want to lose.  
  
***  
  
    Kara is halfway to Lena's when it starts pouring rain and by the time she's reached the shop, she's drenched, clothes sticking to her skin. Surprisingly, she doesn’t feel much colder than usual. She tilts her head back, rain running down her face, sticking stray strands of hair to her damp skin. The blinds of Lena's flat are still drawn, but light is picking through, and in the time that Kara stays standing there, she can see a lone figure passing behind them twice. The shop is still closed too, its dark window blending in the deserted street, the painted letters that make up the sign barely visible.  
  
    "I have a key for that if you want."  
  
    Kara wheels around so fast that she nearly trips. The world is fuzzy for a second before her vision focuses on Sam standing in the middle of the street with the hood of her raincoat drawn on her face. A single silver key is dangling from her outstretched hand, catching raindrops and light ; the rest of her grey figure is unmoving. There is no car in sight, in fact, it looks like she just appeared out of thin air.  
  
    "I received a weird text message about messing up and needing a hug, but it looks like you’re already here to fix it. But just so you know, I could snap you in two." There is no edge in Sam's voice, she states her capacity for murder the same way she would comment on the weather, unfased, and it sounds all the more threatening. She drops the key in Kara's hand and recedes to the shadows, but doesn't leave.  
  
    Kara lets herself into the shop, the slight smell of burnt metal infiltrating her nostrils, and makes her way up the stairs, hitting the steps harder than necessary to make her presence known. She hesitates on the threshold of the flat, unsure of if she should knock on the nearest surface or if she should just come in. She's lingering when Lena rounds the corner, wrapped in a blanket and with a steaming cup of tea clutched in her hands. Her hair is down, framing her face, and behind her too big glasses that are slipping down her nose, Kara can see puffy red eyes. Her heart breaks at the view, and she has to pause and take a breath before she steps fully into Lena's sightline.  
  
    "Oh," she breathes. "It's you. What do you want ?"  
  
    "Um." Kara stammers. "Talk ? Apologize ?"  
  
    Lena inhales sharply and grips her cup tighter before turning around. "Come on in then."  
  
    Kara staggers behind for a moment, wondering if she should take off her drenched jacket and shoes and put them away in their usual spot or if she lost the right to have a reserved spot in Lena’s flat. She ends up putting everything in a pile next to the stairs and follows after Lena, her wet socks squeaking on the floor.  
  
    "Do you want some tea ?" Lena asks from the kitchen. "I’m going to make you some tea. But I’m all out of biscuits. You know it’s crazy they don’t sell McVities here. I have to import them. Not that money is a problem. But sometimes I just want some damn biscuits."  
  
    Kara nearly reaches out to put her hand on her shoulder but stop a few inches away. "Lena," she says instead of touching her. "It’s okay. I don’t need biscuits. I came to apologize. Explain. And let you explain."  
  
    Lena turns around and step away from the counter. She comes close enough that Kara’s fingertips are grazing her shoulder and for a moment she seems to want to lean into the afforded touch before she straightens up, bypasses her and curls up in one of her armchairs, forgetting her previous offer for tea. "What do you want to know ?" She asks, her tone weighed down by defeat.  
  
    "Everything." Kara replies, following hesitantly and sitting down in her usual armchair. "Or all that you can tell me so that I’ll understand."  
  
    Lena sighs deeply, fiddling with her hands before she settles them on her lap and starts talking. "I didn’t lie to you. Agent Danvers, um, Alex said that you don’t like when people lie. I didn’t lie so much as hid a part of the truth. I was born in Ireland. And I lived the first few years of my life there until my mum died and my father took me in. My father is Lionel Luthor. I had a… I didn’t have nice childhood. Privileged, yes, but not nice."  
  
    Kara forces herself to look at Lena, to be present in this conversation even if she’s just listening for the moment. But the sight in front of her is heartbreaking. Lena looks so small. And she’s trying to make herself even smaller, curling up on herself like she’s trying to take as little space as possible.  
  
    "My father, well, he cared for me, but he was busy. Lillian is the one who raised me. She molded me after her, tried to at least. She despised me. Despises still I suppose. All I had was Lex. And I guess that’s why I told you he was dead, because the brother I grew up with is no more. My brother took me for ice cream, and read me stories before bed. He taught me how to work on a car engine, and helped me fashion crazy science experiments. My brother bought me a Superman sweater and punched a guy in the face when I faced homophobia in college. The Lex Luthor who exists in the world right now isn’t my brother. This man stole my research to kill people. This man is a mass murderer. This isn’t something I want to be associated with. This isn’t the legacy I want to carry. I just, I just, I just want to be Lena." She stammers, and her voice breaks on her own name. She shifts, meeting Kara’s gaze for the first time since she let her into her flat. "I guess I was kidding myself when I thought I could be anything other than a Luthor."  
  
    Lena marks a pause, long enough for Kara to realise that she's waiting for her to say something. But before she can bring herself to open her mouth, Lena sighs shakily and starts speaking again. "I’ve always had trouble making friends. First because when people would see my name they would see my as a mean to climb to the top. Then because they only knew me as the sister of the crazy man hating on aliens and making weapon deals with the government. Sam is my friend, but she knows all about my tragic backstory. When I met you, I thought I had a shot at a blank slate. I didn’t lie to hurt you. I lied to protect myself. And if I was offered a do-over I would do it again because I was right, you did judge me because of my name, and it hurts now, but at least I got to be friends with you for a while, and that’s worth all the lies in the world." Lena brings her hands to her mouth, and stops, disconcerted, when she realises she left her cup of tea on the kitchen counter. Her eyes on Kara harden. "That’s it. That’s all I have to say."  
  
    Kara feels like she's trapped in a "speak now or forever hold your peace" kind of situation, or more accurately "speak now or get the hell out of my flat" ; but words elude her, refusing to assemble in a intelligible manner in her brain. She looks at Lena, and tries to convey all the thoughts that are stuck in her head. Lena stares back, her face hardening with each passing second.  
  
    Kara really should have taken the time to think of an at least half decent lie on her way there.  
  
    The thing is, she doesn't want to lie. Lena deserves better than that. Better than deceit. Better than a fake friend. She offered honesty and opened herself up and all that Kara can give her in return is a half-baked excuse. And Lena has given her no reason to distrust her. She wears Supergirl merch. Cures cancer on her spare time. Is friend with another superpowered being who she didn't rat out to the authorities. Fixes old women phones for free. Never pried into Kara's personal history. Makes her feel warm, and happy, and a bit confused sometimes. And if only Kara could take a leap of faith, squash her fear that Lena could be playing everyone.  
  
    If only she could just say : "I’m s…"  
  
    A wave of nausea rolls over her, forcing her body to launch forward. Her vision blurs and Lena's living room swims before her. All she can do is spare a thankful thought for the fact that she hasn't eaten anything since this morning as she starts dry-heaving. She's distantly aware of Lena's hand rubbing circles on her back as she tries to take rapid short breaths because she read somewhere that it's supposed to help. It doesn't help at all ; and she's sure her guts are seconds away from spilling through her mouth. Oddly, the only thing she can think about is how the spots of her untimely death are going to be hard to get off Lena's pristine carpet.  
  
    Her nausea recedes as fast as it appeared ; so fast that Kara thinks for a moment that she did die. And well, death isn't so bad if it's like this, warm, and smelling like Lena. She straightens up slowly, mindful of every breath she takes. Krypto, who has been ignoring her since she set foot in the flat, comes resting his head on her lap and she manages to control a shaky hand long enough to comb it through his fur. There are green lines on her hands and she tugs on her sweater to cover them as fast as she can.  
  
    "I'm sorry." Kara says when she's gathered enough brain power to manage a sentence.  
  
    "You don't have to be sorry. Are you alright ?" Lena asks, dropping her hand from her back and rounding the armchair so she can come crouch in front of Kara. Concern is etched all over her face, in stark contrast with her previously hard features.  
  
    "No, I’m not sorry about almost dying on your carpet. Well that too, but I’m sorry for overreacting earlier when all you did was being honest with me. I was in a bad place, vulnerable, scared, and I took it out on you. So I’m sorry, and I hope that you can listen to my apology." Kara stops to take a deep breath. And another. And another. "I don't have the most stellar history with your family. In fact, I'm the epitome of what your family dislikes and stands against. I'm an alien." Lena inhales sharply but Kara cuts her off before she can say anything. "People died in Metropolis because your brother hates my kind enough to level an entire city to take down one man. My sister has been investigating and she thinks that your mother is involved in some kind of organisation targeting aliens. Multiple aliens shelters were destroyed. I have friends who died. Both in Metropolis and in National City. And to top it all, my former employer asked Lex to poison me, and I'm dying."  
  
    It’s now or never.  
  
    "My name is Kara Zor-El, and I’m Supergirl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued…
> 
> I hope this chapter was worth the wait. Don't forget to check my twitter @GoodGirlGoneGay if you want to know when a chapter is going to be delayed even more than usual (because everybody knows my writing schedule is non existent)


	17. The greatest gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's one of the greatest gift you can give someone, knowing their stories."  
> \- Emily Skrutskie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling this was a long awaited moment, I hope I did it justice. We pick up right where we stopped in the previous chapter. Kara and Lena talk like adults and maybe it's not what you expected. 
> 
> I edited this three times because I panicked a little but it's me so there might still be clunky sentences out there.
> 
> This is another example of how I completely jumbled the timeline to make it my own so if it doesn't make sense regarding the events in the show, it's normal (and anyway, it's not like the show has a consistent timeline in the first place so I'm kinda doing them a favour by putting things in a different order.)

    ["I’m Supergirl."]  
  
    "Oh well, I suspected it. But thanks for the confirmation. And for trusting me enough to tell me. I’m going to go make some tea."  
  
    Lena's words follow each other in a way that is too casual not to be forced, but just like that, she rises from her crouching position, seemingly unbothered, and makes her way to the kitchen. The charade would almost be convincing if Kara couldn't see her hands shaking and boiling water getting everywhere but in the cups. She must steel herself though because when she turns back toward her, she's the embodiment of stolid calm again. She deposits Kara’s usual cup in her hands, a royal blue one, chipped on the handle, before settling back in her armchair, her body fully angled towards her.   
  
    "I guess you want to know how I know ?" Lena asks casually. "Actually, I want to tell you. And maybe that will make you feel safe enough to share your story with me."  
  
    "Um yeah. Yes, I’d like to know." Kara replies, trying her best to keep her tone as neutral as possible lest pent up aggression seeps through it.  
  
    "I didn’t knew right away. I mean, I didn’t recognised you, I case you were wondering. The glasses and the hairdo did the trick for a while." Her lips quiver, like she's repressing a smile. "But I had a feeling you were an alien rather quickly. I mean you dance awkwardly around certain topics, you very pointedly said you couldn’t fly, you slip sometime and talk about moving to another planet. And there also are no known records of a Starikov family in Russia, but there is a small town which hosts an impressive crater." Hearing this makes Kara want to kick herself, it’s been her go to backstory for years and not once did she thought that it was so easy to confute.   
  
    "Russia is also a country that never shut down it’s space program." Lena continues, unveiling Kara's seemingly never ending streak of missteps. "And sometimes you flinch at loud noises. And you wear power dampening wristbands. Those myths we talked about, I looked for them everywhere, they’re not from here. Once I had figured that out, it wasn’t hard to check forbidden alien records on other worlds history. Your Russian Sun God matched Krypton’s Rao perfectly. Once I had made the connection to Krypton, I started noticing other things, like how your skin glows green when you’re tired, and it probably comes from Kryptonite. The fact that you really like my Supergirl hoodie. How you were holding yourself back when we were talking about science which makes so much sense because you’re probably ten time smarter than I am."  
  
    "Why didn’t you say anything ?" Kara asks, confusion finally catching up with her.  
  
    "I wasn’t a 100% sure. And I also didn’t want to force you to confess anything, given the current situation. I would have never forced you to reveal yourself. I didn’t want to be a typical Luthor, I didn’t want to trap you and force you out of the Super closet. I wanted to be worthy of your secret." Lena’s voice cracks, and it makes Kara want to reach out. So it’s exactly what she does ; she shuffles until she can extend her arm over the gap between the two armchairs and sets her hand over Lena’s arm.   
  
    Lena takes a shaky breath. "That night when I walked you home, I saw your sister behind the window of your house, and I convinced myself that both of you were here to spy on me. I recognised her and I knew she was part of the DEO and my mind jumped to conclusion. And then there was that car crash and the van looked so much like a black op vehicle that I just, I just freaked out." Absentmindedly, Kara starts rubbing circles on Lena's arm. When her sweater rides up and she accidentally touches skin, she stays there, reveling in the contact. Lena doesn't seem to mind, and after a couple of second, she brings her hand to settle there over Kara's. "I locked myself up in Sam’s house terrified that someone was going to come after me. But after I’d calmed down enough, all I could think about was the way you wrapped yourself around me like you could somehow shield me from the impact. You didn’t hesitate, you just did it. I wanted to reach out and apologize, but I was afraid you would be mad at me for pushing you away, so I didn’t."  
  
    "I didn’t have to think. You were in danger and all I could think about was protecting you."  
  
    "Would you do it again ?" Lena asks, her voice small and hesitant. "Knowing that I’m a Luthor ?"  
  
    "It wouldn't matter. You are Lena." This is not a question Kara thought she would ever have to answer. These are not words she thought she would ever have to say ; yet here they are, true, and almost unafraid. "You are Lena, and I’d save you in any capacity I can, and beyond."   
  
    Kara can't hear Lena's heartbeat but her hand registers the slight flutter of her pulse, and it brings her a confidence she never thought she would feel again. The kind of confidence that makes her feel like she could lift mountains, or simply that she could talk, and trust.  
  
    "I was born on Krypton, in Kandor. But we moved to Argo City when I was about five cycles. My father was a scientist, and my mother was a judicator, kind of a guardian of the law." Kara’s throat tightens. It’s something she hasn’t talked about in a long, long time. "Me ? I was bright, and smart, even by Kryptonian’s standard. And, and when Krypton exploded, I was set to become the youngest member of the Science Guild in recorded history."   
  
    Lena’s hand squeezes her own, and she tries to focus on its weight to keep her body grounded while her mind takes a trip back to Krypton. "I was cocky, a bit brash even, because I was a kid I guess. Oh Rao, one time I stole a pod just to prove I could get my flying license early, and I nearly crashed it into a bridge." Kara can't help but chuckle at the memory. It's something that she'd done with her friend Tali, and though her parents had been a bit mad, it was worth it. The aftermath was a disaster but this spur of the moment decision had been one of the best of her life. Tali and her had been close. Tali was smart, and from an important family ; they would have been a good match. "My parents were mad, but my aunt Astra, she told me about the time her and my mum had done the same thing. I thought about that a lot when Eliza tried to teach me how to drive and I put my foot through the car floor."  
  
    Kara pauses for a moment, taking a deep breath and a sip of tea. Lena smiles encouragingly but doesn't interrupt and Kara is so very grateful for that because she probably wouldn't be able to keep going otherwise. "Krypton was dying. And I was so oblivious to it. I was a kid with a clear path of who I was going to grow up to be, and what I was going to do. And then it was over. I was sent to Earth with Kal. Um, Superman. He was just a baby and I was supposed to take care of him. But my pod got knocked off course by the shockwave of the destruction of the planet and it got stuck in the Phantom Zone. I spent 24 cycles there, in hypersleep, reliving endlessly the death of my world, until suddenly the pod got free and I crash landed on a strange planet. A planet where my cousin didn’t need me anymore, because he was an adult, and I, I was just an inconvenience. I had no purpose."   
  
    Kara is trying her damn best not to cry, because if she starts crying now, she feels like she will never stop. She has to look away from Lena because she too looks like she's about to burst out in tears and it makes her feel a bit funny inside. "And Earth just sucked. Everything was too loud, too bright. I was overwhelmed all the time. I was the alien, but it was this world which was alien to me. I remember the first time Eliza tried to wash my Kryptonian tunic I yelled for two hours straight because every other clothes were itchy and painful. I got used to it eventually. I settled down. And there were cool stuff about this planet, like birds, and books. Reading for entertainment wasn’t a big thing on Krypton you know ? Things had to be useful, time was of the essence. Up until I landed here, I had only ever read scientific encyclopedias and religious texts." Lena's face morph into one of disbelief, like she can't fathom a society in which nobody would read just for fun.  
  
    "I enrolled in high school, I fought back against panic attacks, I tried my hardest to not be Alex Danvers’ weird new sister. I forced myself to be human. For the sake of my Earth family. Because being an alien killed Jeremiah. I got into the track team because it was the closest I could get to flying. I made myself less smart so I would blend in. I could have graduated early, I didn’t, I stayed behind and I made friends that weren’t Alex. I repressed my crushes on girls. I made myself as human and inconspicuous as possible. I went to college, it was easy. I became Cat Grant’s assistant, it was boring. And then one day, I was on a date, trying my damn best to be normal, when the plane Alex was on malfunctioned. And all I could think about was that if I didn’t do something, anything, the only person who had ever made me feel like I belonged here was going to die. So I ran. Rao I ran. I didn’t hold back. And then I was in the air, flying. And then I was catching that plane. And I became Supergirl. I had a purpose."   
  
    Kara mouth is parched, she's been monologuing for a long time now. She takes a long sip of her increasingly colder tea and considers the crossroad she finds herself at at this point of her story. She can either keep going forward, detailing her journey, or she can cut it short now, and keep what's left of her superhero persona intact. Something in Lena's eyes urges her to keep going ; and anyway, Supergirl is no more, there is no point in keeping up a facade. "Being Supergirl gave my life direction. It was like there was finally a reason why I was still alive. And there were steps ! Some easier than others, but still, it was a path to follow. You know, rescue a kitten from a tree, stop an armed robbery, arrest your first villain, meet your arch nemesis… It was not always easy, but I had faith that I could get the people to trust me, that I could become somebody to them. And I did. I’m not going to lie, it felt good, to be useful and praised for it. I started working for the DEO, locking up dangerous aliens, saving my city one day at a time. I was on a high. And then…"  
  
    "Then ?" Lena prompts and Kara realises she’s stopped talking. Her heart skips a beat, and she clenches her fist so hard that with super strength, her cup would be nothing but dust. The hard parts are part of the story too, and if she managed to talk about Krypton, she can talk about that too.  
  
    "Then my aunt tried to enslave Earth with what was left of Krypton, and Alex had to kill her. And when things were looking up again, Lex Luthor destroyed half a city trying to kill my cousin. Do you know how I heard about it ? I got a phone call telling me that a friend was dead in the attack, Jen." Kara scoffs. "I was a goddamn superhero and I had to learn about it on the phone. Alex and J’onn were suddenly missing, and nobody wanted to tell me anything. In case I went bat shit crazy I suppose. Because I was a bit out of it after Astra’s death. After that, there was a rise in anti-alien sentiment, what had started in Metropolis extended to the whole territory. At first, oh Rao, at first, I didn't do much about it. It was just protests here and there. And people still loved Supergirl so I had hope, I thought it couldn't be that bad, that maybe people would just see that aliens are just slightly different beings. But I'm blonde, and humanoid, some people out there don't even know I'm an alien… It turned into full fledged attack on aliens shelters, and with a new chain of command at the DEO, there was red tape everywhere, investigations stagnated ; I started hating working for the DEO… And they kept on sending us out there to protect, but nobody was looking into how terrorists obtained alien weaponry, nobody was really trying to stop it. I mean Alex did try, but without much success. I was seeing red, I even nearly crossed the line a couple of times. And like always, it was Alex keeping me together. Until Maxwell Lord decided to experiment with Kryptonite and I became everything people feared a Super could be. But I mean, this was on TV, you already know that."   
  
    "I only have one side of the narrative, I’d like to know what it was like for you. And well, you already told me so much so I get it if you need to stop talking, but I’d like to know." Lena speaks in a gentle voice, softer than her usual deep tone. With just a few words, Kara is comforted in the fact that she should keep talking, that she can get to the end of what she wants to share, even if Lena wouldn't hold it against her if she were to never open her mouth again.   
  
    "No, I think I can keep going for a little while. You know," Kara says with a pained smile, " _it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give someone, knowing their stories_ ; so thank you for listening."   
  
    "You read that book ?" Lena interjects, amused, a smile dancing all the way to her teary eyes.  
  
    "Lesbian pirates Lena. Of course I read that book." Kara says, cutting her narrative with a laugh before catching herself. "It was like being locked inside of my own head. Every single bad thought that I had ever had was coming out, and I lashed out on everybody. And the angrier I got, the farther I got locked away inside of my mind. It took less than 24 hours to destroy everything I had built as Supergirl. And I, I have a stupidly good memory, I don’t forget anything. But sometimes when I close my eyes, it mixes with other stuffs and in the end I don’t know what is real and what isn’t. Alex sleeps in my bed because sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night, it takes me too long to remember I didn’t kill anyone. Or not directly anyway, not with my own two hands. But I don't know about all the people who died because I can't be Supergirl anymore."  
  
    "These deaths are not on you Kara…"  
  
    "Yeah. Yeah I know, Alex says the same thing. But it’s just the way it is in my head, and it’s hard to not see things this way."  
  
    "I guess I can understand that." Lena says slowly, like she’s wondering if she should say something, if she has the right to say something, even as she’s already started to speak. "Sometimes when I think about what happened with Lex, I wonder if things would have went down differently if he hadn’t had access to my research. If I hadn’t helped him creating what would become is armour. If I had been successful in bringing him back. If I had said the right words to calm him down. Maybe things would be different. But I’ve been working on this, and I want you to know that when I have good days, when I’m doing okay, I know that this isn’t true, I know that the blood of these people isn’t on my hands. And you will get there too ; I know you will."  
  
    "Thank you, for sharing this with me." Kara says, struggling to get the words out.  
  
    "You don’t have to thank me for that," Lena says, shrugging. "You shared so much more."  
  
    "This is not a sharing competition you know." Kara says, a bit too harshly. "I won’t mind if you don’t spill all your life story."  
  
    "I know that. I just wanted to help you see the other side of things."  
  
    "And that’s what I’m thankful for. Usually when people tell me it’s going to be alright it’s just some kind of theoretical concept. I have nothing else to base myself on. No example of how it’s going to get better, just words."  
  
    "Yeah I see what you mean. It’s not like there’s a pamphlet for this in health centers. ‘So you think you killed everyone ? Here’s why it’s not true !’" Lena says, sarcasm heavy in her voice. "It’s kinda just you against your own head. But you get better at it."  
  
    "Sometimes I wish I could just see a therapist, like a normal person. But I don't even want to think about the consequences of doing that. The DEO would probably just downright kill me ; and Rao knows what would happen to Alex…" Kara can't repress a shudder at the implication. Most days she just lives with the knowledge that the DEO could blow up her sister, but from time to time that fact swims to the forefront of her thoughts and is harder to deal with. "Anyway, it's not like the world is overflowing with people who are qualified to deal with my, peculiar issues."  
  
    "Did they have a therapist at the DEO ?"  
  
    "Yeah they did. But I always thought it was a human thing. Guess that came back to bite me in the ass." Kara snarks, her words definitely coming out more violently than she intended. "Sorry. I think I’m a bit tired."  
  
    "It’s okay. It was an emotional day. For everyone."  
  
    "Yeah I’m…"  
  
    "You don’t have to apologize again Kara. We talked it through, that’s what matters. And thank you, for sharing your story with me. It feels good to be trusted. And I know it’s not easy to be you, but you can talk to me, always."  
  
    "Thank you for listening. For agreeing to listen. I don’t like lying, and I liked lying to you even less. It didn’t felt right. I. Um. I care about you. A lot. And I hope we can move forward, without secrets."  
  
    "I care about you too Kara." Lena replies softly, a somewhat timid smile stretching slowly on her face. "A lot."  
  
    Kara doesn't reply, letting Lena's words settle around them. Not all has been said, but for the first time in what feels like forever, she lets herself hope that there will be time to say these things later, that there will be time to share other stories. She ignores the twinge of her wristbands, choosing to focus all of her dim senses on Lena instead.  
  
    Under the intensity of her gaze, Lena duck behind her cup and takes a sip of tea ; before promptly spitting it out, a look of pure horror on her face. "Oh God it's cold. I've let my tea go cold."  
  
    "It's a shame I don't have heat vision anymore, it was a really useful skill to warm things up. I mean, it took me a while to get the hang of it. I blew up a lot of things. But in the end, really useful."  
  
    Lena lets out a surprised laugh, and schools her face just as quickly, averting her eyes to look at the window. The blinds are still covering them and it makes Lena avoiding her even more obvious. But it’s okay, because Kara just joked about her missing powers and it didn’t make her feel bad, it’s a step forward.   
  
    "The rain isn't letting up." Lena says, gazing at a crack between the blinds. "Do you." She starts before stopping abruptly. "Do you want to stay over tonight ? It wouldn't be very responsible to go out in this weather. You could sleepover. And maybe tomorrow Alex could come, I have a few ideas for how we could all help each other out." Lena's proposition comes out in a mess of words and Kara doesn't even have time to agree before she adds : "Or I could ask Sam if she can drive you home."  
  
    "No, I’d like to stay."  
  
***  
  
    Kara steps out of the steaming bathroom dressed in Lena’s biggest clothes. They are still a bit tight, but they smell like her. Eliza and Alex both know where she is, jazz is filling the flat, Lena is busying herself in the kitchen, and Krypto is napping with his head on the carpet.   
  
    Everything is warm, soft, cozy.   
  
    Lena offers her a bowl of oatmeal ("It's porridge Kara !") claiming it's the best comfort food, and wrapped in everything Lena, Kara is inclined to agree. They don’t talk much during  dinner, but Chet Baker fills in the blanks for them, and it’s okay.  
  
    A situation arises however when it's time to go to bed. Kara insists that she can sleep on the small couch. Lena points out that it's not even big enough for Ruby, but offers to sleep on it herself nonetheless. Kara counters her offer. Krypto barks. And they decide to both sleep in the bedroom. After all, it's a king sized bed big enough for both of them. Kara tries not to think too much about how they both caved so easily.   
  
    They start the night on opposite sides of the mattress, facing each other, two silhouettes barely visible in the dark. Kara softly retells a bedtime story from Krypton and when her voice get caught up in her throat, Lena reaches out across the bed. Their hands meet in the middle, someone’s breathing stutters, Kara isn’t sure if it’s her own or Lena’s.   
  
    The one and only time Kara wakes up that night, they’ve both migrated towards each other and Lena’s head is using her shoulder as a pillow. She doesn’t move, doesn’t retreat. Feelings are a problem for tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ending scene better be in all of my unauthorised biographies when I'm famous ^^
> 
> Thank you all for waiting for this chapter. You are amazing.
> 
> Heads up, on top of everything, I'm starting a new job next week ! And I'm talking full 9 to 5 with 1:30h of commute morning and evening. My update schedule might be weird for a while as I adapt to a new routine (as if my update schedule was a thing in the first place ^^)
> 
> The quote comes from The Abyss Surrounds Us ; a book that is indeed about lesbian pirates and sea monsters.   
> Tali is Kara's friend from New 52.


	18. Steal the voice of the ghost inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a headache while editing this so it might not be the best but I like this chapter and I hope you'll like it too
> 
> Title is from The Silent Kind by East of Eli, I had an epiphany while listening to this song on the bus to work

    Kara awakes to an empty bed and quiet voices drifting through the door. A lone ray of sunshine cuts through the room like a knife ; it must have stopped raining during the night.  
  
    "Do we really need that much food ?"  
  
    "Sam’s stomach is a bottomless pit."  
  
    Kara rolls over on her stomach, burying her face in a soft pillow that smells like Lena and clean laundry. The bed is still warm from her friend's presence and Kara can't help but wonder if her head was still on her shoulder when she woke up.  
  
    "I can’t believe she slept through the night. She usually has a lot of nightmares and wakes up screaming and kicking."  
  
    "I woke up twice and she was sleeping soundly. I was expecting her to struggle much more, with it not being her bed, and after a day like that."  
  
    It strikes Kara more now that she hears Lena saying it than when she actually woke up, but indeed, she nearly slept through the night. A feat that right this moment seems more incredible than punching through six layers of Nth metal. The last time she slept that well goes back to well before Astra trying to take over Earth. It’s even more incredible because she didn’t sleep in her own bed, a correct guess from Lena ; Kara has always hated sleeping in unfamiliar places. It doesn’t take a genius to understand why she slept so well last night, and that thought only makes Kara want to get up. This bed without Lena in it is about as uninteresting as the one in which she attempts to sleep on regular nights.  
  
    The hardwood floor is cold enough to attack her socked feet so Kara quickly crosses the room and opens the door to nearly stumble on Krypto who has elected this particular spot to take a morning nap. As soon as the gigantic dog registers her presence, he gets up and starts tapping his snout on her hand, requesting urgent morning pats, to Alex’s apparent dismay.  
  
    "You get dog love first thing out of bed and I didn’t get so much as a happy tail wag. This is so unfair !" She says in a mock-petulant tone.  
  
    "I wouldn’t take offense if I were you Alex. Most days, I’m sure that Krypto loves Kara more than he loves me, and I’m the one who feeds him !"  
  
    Lena's voice rings out from the kitchen and it causes Kara to turn this way so she can see her. She's leaning against the counter, seemingly open and welcoming, a small amused smile dancing on her lips. But her arms tell another story. They are crossed on her chest, one hand clenched around a steaming cup of tea, the other firmly tucked under her armpit. She looks guarded enough for Kara to forget for a second that it was Lena’s idea to have everyone over this morning.  
  
    "Krypto loves us both equally." Kara says, her voice still thick with sleep, before she coughs lightly to clear her throat. On the other side of the room, Lena's eyes widen just enough for her to wonder about it. She doesn't get much time to do so though, because footsteps are heard from the staircase causing Lena's eyes to turn other there and Krypto to promptly make his way to the newcomer. A moment later, Sam turns the corner and enter Kara's sightline. In the morning light, she looks much less threatening than she did the previous afternoon, much more like a house cat than an angry lioness ; and it reminds Kara of herself enough for it to hurt a little.  
  
***  
  
    Breakfast is a peculiar affair. Kara watches Sam inhale an entire stack of pancakes, four scones and a blueberry muffin, and can’t help but wonder if it’s what she looks, well looked, like to other people. Alex cannot kick her quick enough under the table for her not to downright say that she’s Supergirl. And it feels like everything they promise about ripping a bandaid, quick, and mostly painless. Sam seems puzzled for half a second, then asks Kara to remove her glasses and ultimately promises to not tell anything and to assault her with questions once she’ll be sufficiently fed. Lena makes the NDA semi-joke again when Sam admits to Alex that she very probably is an alien too. This snowballs into a debate of nature versus nurture regarding her upbringing and her powers. Kara tunes out of it quite quickly and instead discreetly feeds Krypto with treats she found in the pocket of her borrowed sweatpants. She eats two pancakes, which is better than one, and then half of Lena’s third scone. She doesn’t remember when was the last time she ate that much for breakfast.  
  
    The flat is flooded with soft light and Kara basks in it, she feels warm, and mildly safe. The rhythm of the conversation takes over her usually always present dark thoughts ; she could almost let herself be lulled back to sleep. Almost, because her hearing isn’t dampened enough to miss the word "Kryptonite" when she hears it, and it makes her skin crawl.  
  
    "No we didn’t test Sam’s reaction to Kryptonite. But she tics all the other boxes. Theoretically speaking I know how to make Kryptonite, of course, I’m a Luthor." Lena’s voice cracks right on her family name, and Kara doesn’t have to be looking at her to see her struggle with getting the next words out. "But I never tried it. It doesn’t sit right."  
  
    "That’s very noble of you."  
  
    "Oh don’t go looking for noble here Alex." Lena replies, regaining a bit of her composure. "The reason I’m not making Kryptonite is entirely egoistical. I just don’t want to do anything else that would make me more like my brother."  
  
    "At least that’s the good kind of selfishness."  
  
    "I didn’t know there was such a thing as a good kind of selfishness," Sam chimes in.  
  
    "When it comes to Kryptonite, there is." Alex practically growls. "Anything that can protect Kara from it is a good thing."  
  
    "Out of curiosity," Sam says, averting her eyes from Alex to look at Kara, "what does it feel like ? Kryptonite ? You don’t have to answer if that’s inappropriate."  
  
    Just thinking about it makes Kara feel sick, and she wishes more than anything that she could rewind back to a few hours ago, and awake once more with Lena’s head on her shoulder. She wants to go back to this blissful suspended time and just exist there with Lena for a while. Nonetheless, she feels compelled to answer. "It’s like having rusty nails instead of blood. And like your skin is being peeled off. And like holes are being drilled in your skull, and your brain is seepping out." Sam’s face goes pale all the sudden, like she’s about to pass out, or throw up, or both. But Kara doesn’t want to look at her. Instead, she turn towards Lena, trying to find comfort in her face, but she too looks like she’s about to faint. So she turns toward Alex, who already knows all of this, and who just looks sad, and angry. "That’s immediate harsh exposure." Kara adds. "Long term exposure at a lower dosage ? It’s bone deep exhaustion. Dizziness. Paranoia. Death ultimately. And I also feel so fucking cold, all the fucking time. That’s what Kryptonite feels like."  
  
    Silence has taken over the breakfast table ; the only sounds coming from Krypto thoroughly chewing on something at Kara's feet. Kryptonite effectively killed the mood. "There are other, nicer things I could tell you about Krypton. If you want." Kara adds after a while because it dawns on her that she is in the presence of another living breathing Kryptonian, and that the first thing she taught her about their world is the worst possible thing. Telling Lena about her other-worldness seems to have open doors to new possibilities, good ones. Yet, Kara doesn't want to get ahead of herself, because there is a chance that Sam doesn't want anything to do with Krypton, or that everything else could crumble again, like it always seem to do around her.  
  
    "Yeah. I'd like to know more about it," Sam says with a smile, and Kara releases a breath that she definitely knows she was holding. "My life's been turned upside down and it would be nice to know more about this beyond just scientific theories. No offense Lena."  
  
    "None taken. Though I hope you do know," Lena says, raising an eyebrow, "that science can help with a lot of things. Including kryptonian's problems. At least I hope it can." She mumbles the last sentence glumly, for herself only, but Kara hears it anyway, maybe because she is so intently focused on Lena. "If you let me Kara, I'd like to take a look at your wristbands later."  
  
    "You won't be able to take them off without triggering an alert at the DEO. They monitor her vitals constantly." Alex cuts in sharply, her hand subtly settling over her sweater on her own cuff.  
  
    "There must be a way to remove the Kryptonite without alerting the DEO," Lena argues, the fight to keep her tone neutral clearly visible on her face. "I know Lex's work, if I get a closer look, I can find a way."  
  
    "I trust her to do it," Kara says softly, struggling to maintain her sister's worried gaze. "If anyone can, it’s her."  
  
    Alex frowns, but doesn't protest much more. Coming from her, it’s unusual but not unwelcomed and when she grabs Kara's hand, Kara squeezes right back. Lena takes hold of the other, and in this sandwich of her favourite people, she feels safe. A knowing smile graces Sam's face, her eyes flickering between Kara and Lena, but she doesn't say anything, or cough weirdly, as she is prone to do, which Kara is very grateful for ; now is not the time to deal with this.  
  
    Lena offers her expertise on Luthor craziness for Alex's investigation, and Kara knows they are in good hands. The nagging feeling that things could go sideway at any time prevents her from letting her guard all the way down, but she really wants for somebody else to hold the fort for now. Feeling warm and sleepy, she drifts in and out of the conversation again, her heart rate returning to its pre-Kryptonite discourse level.  
  
    She could nearly close her eyes.  
  
***  
  
    Kara awakes on the couch, a bit groggy, like she went through a wormhole and isn't sure what year it is. The flat is quiet, the conversation no longer filling the silence. She keeps her eyes closed for a moment, pretending that if she concentrates hard enough, she'll be able to hear the movement of air around her. Someone shifts beside her, clothes ruffling on fabric. Her eyelids flutter open to reveal Lena, twisted in the armchair in an improbable position and engrossed in a bright blue paperback. She's frowning along with the book, her eyes darting quickly from word to word, her fingers rhythmically shuffling the paper each time she turns a page. She doesn't immediately realise that she's being watched, and when she does, she flashes a quick smile at Kara before going back to her book to finish her chapter. "Hey sleeping beauty," she finally says after she's put the book down, "how are you feeling ? Sam carried you to the couch, I hope that’s alright."  
  
    "What time is it ?" Kara asks, her voice a bit gravely. "Where is everyone ?"  
  
    "Oh," Lena says, extracting a limb from her body origami to look at her watch, "It's a bit after one, 1:08. Sam is with Ruby and Alex went back to your house for lunch with Eliza."  
  
    "Shit." Kara mutters, scrambling to sit up, "it's Sunday."  
  
    "You are excused. Alex called Eliza to tell her you were asleep, and I'm sure she won't hold it against you. Nobody wanted to wake you up. You looked so peaceful." Lena smiles softly and reaches out to pat down a rogue strand of Kara's hair before retreating, suddenly looking unsure and self conscious.  
  
    "When I was a kid, um, on Krypton, I used to fall asleep at the most random times. I could sleep anywhere." Kara says, a smile forming on her lips a the memory. "My dad would carry me to the couch or even let me sleep on his lap so I would still be included in whatever was going on at the time. I even fell asleep a couple of time in his lab." She chuckles. "He would clean away part of his lab bench and tuck me under protective gear. I must have been five or six cycle the last time it happened ; I would have never thought something like that would happen again. It’s like. It’s like you’re a red sun." Kara pauses at the implication, her breath catching in her throat. "I feel normal. Right now, I feel normal, and I haven’t in a long, long time."  
  
    "I…"  
  
    "You don’t have to say anything," Kara interrupts quickly. "I just wanted to tell you."  
  
    Actually it’s Kara herself who doesn’t want Lena to say anything. She wants to exist forever in this singular moment and if Lena speaks, she’s afraid it’s all going to go away. A few words, or even just a second of hesitation in the middle of a sentence could ruin it.  
  
    "I’m happy I can be that person to you," Lena says with no hesitancy. "I want to be that person," she adds softly.  
  
    She didn’t ruin it, she made it even better. And for the shortest second, Kara feels ashamed that she thought Lena would react poorly. Then, she falls back into the newfound normalcy and warmth.  
  
    For lunch, Lena makes flat salty pancakes that she insists on calling "French crêpes" ; and though Kara knows she is right because she ate some once when she rescued a tanker in Brittany, antagonising her is too much fun to actually agree with her aloud. She teases Lena because of her fancy food, and Lena teases her right back because she carefully removed every single green leaf from her plate. The interaction is almost too normal, given their overall lives, but they take it as it is.  
  
    When their plates are clean, and Lena has made a show of eating Kara's salad, they elect to go for a walk on the beach, the purpose of which being to get Kara home, but they happily get lost in their own bubble along the way. Krypto runs off after a seagull, the barking and shrieking disappearing amongst the sound of crashing waves. It reminds Kara of something, and without thinking it over, she tugs Lena down and they tumble to the ground, a little too close to each other. The sand is still wet from the day before and they shiver as the chill seeps through their clothes. Kara doesn't mind, she is used to being cold by now, but Lena shuffles closer until she can lean into the nonexistent warmth of the body next to hers. Kara has an inkling, or maybe it's just hope, that she's doing it for more than body heat and if it does nothing for her physical temperature, it at least warms her heart and mind.  
  
    They sit in silence for a while before Krypto barrels past them chasing yet another bird and Kara slowly point at the sky finally vocalising the reason she got them to sit down. "We didn’t have birds on Krypton. Well I mean we used to have flying creatures, both large and small, and sometimes with a covering similar to feathers, but they all went extinct before I was born. I had a bit of a shock when I found out that on Earth, they are very common. When I was still working at CatCo, and had a salary, I used to give what I could spare to conservation programs."  
  
    "Do you have a favourite one ?" Lena prompts when Kara’s voice gets to thick to go on.  
  
    "I really like the Belted Kingfisher." She replies with a small sad smile. "It’s of a nice shade of blue we didn’t have on Krypton."  
  
    "I know this one !" Lena exclaims suddenly, startling both Kara and a family passing by. "Megacerle alcyon."  
  
    "Don’t tell me you know things about birds too," Kara fake whines. "You can’t possibly know something about everything !"  
  
    "I took an animal biology course in college, during a particularly slow semester, I was bored," Lena says like it’s absolutely no big deal that she can cite latin scientific names at the top of her head.  
  
    "Well then do you have a favourite one ?"  
  
    "Vanellus vanellus. Northern lapwing. It’s…"  
  
    "…Ireland’s national bird." Kara interrupts without thinking. "I looked some stuff up about Ireland at the library." She adds when Lena shifts away from her, confused. "So you could have someone to talk about it with."  
  
    Lena looks at her like she's suddenly grown a second head and Kara is inclined to check ; because she'd rather have two heads than having unwillingly offended her.  
  
    "There aren't any here." Lena finally says, a tinge of sadness in her voice. "I haven't seen one since I last went back for boarding school. Well I guess I could go back now but I’d have to use my passport and I, I like not being a Luthor." She sighs, and drops her head to her knees, her next words coming out a bit mumbled. "I'm being ridiculous aren't I ? I'm mourning an hypothetic life in a country that still exists and that I could go back too and you literally lost your entire world."  
  
    "Your pain takes nothing away from my pain," Kara says decisively. "Please, never restrain from telling me things just because you think I have it worse. You can talk to me, always."  
  
    Lena doesn’t reply, only nods. But to Kara, it's enough for an answer. She wraps her arm around her shoulders and tucks her fully against her. In turn, Lena snags her arm around her waist and somehow manages to get even closer, resting her head on her shoulder. They stay like that for an infinity of time, until the sun start to set, painting everything in a temporary kryptonian hue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lena is reading The Curious Incident of the Dog During Night-time by Mark Haddon
> 
> My new desk job is kicking my ass and my brain feels like mushy peas but I'll do my best to update soonish. I'm already working on the next chapter and I have a feeling you guys are going to love it


	19. Superhuman might

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I kept saying that things would happen in due time and now, readers and friends, the time is due.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It turns out that I really enjoy writing fake science so here you go, enjoy the fake science.  
> Title is from "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down.
> 
> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts so if you need to, skip the lines between "It’s not just you in this, you don’t get to call all the shots." and "So if Lena can take it off, I want her to do it." it's at the very end of the chapter.

    "For fuck’s sake Lena ! Is your lab in another country ?"  
  
    Alex's complaint is met with three different set of laughter and she grumbles as she misses yet another step in the never ending tunnel. Kara steadies her without looking and hopes that nobody can hear how her laugh is more one of nervousness than of genuine amusement. Eventually, they make it through the biometric door and Alex releases an impressed whistle as they step into the lab. Lena doesn’t even bother with hiding the smug look on her face. She's set up a chair that is not unlike the kind you find in a dentist office but with an additional tablet where Kara supposes she will rest her arms while Lena works her magic. Unfortunately, it makes the place look even more like an evil scientist's lair. She settles in it nonetheless, trying to hide her skittishness but probably not doing a very good job of it because Alex drags a stool to sit next to her and squeezes her hand reassuringly.  
  
    "Can I ask you what you're doing here Sam ? Not that I don't trust you to be here, but shouldn't you, you know, avoid exposure to Kryptonite ?" Alex asks, fidgeting with her sister's fingers.  
  
    "I’ll have her out at the first sign of danger," Lena answers in her place, turning away from a cabinet now dressed in a lab coat, goggles and fingerless gloves. "But I need her here. I don’t have an x-ray machine and her skill-set could be useful."  
  
    "Yeah what Lena said," Sam chuckles, making her way to the operating field. "So, should I take a peek at the inside of these ?"  
  
    "Yeah just a sec’," Lena replies, making her way to Kara with a tray covered with several instruments ranging from tweezers a third the size of regular ones to frighteningly huge cutting pliers, from microchips to massive electrical wires. "Don’t be afraid," she says as she deposits the tray on a side table and produces a set of monitoring devices that Kara hadn't noticed before. "I know what I’m doing."  
  
    Kara lets herself be hooked, and takes several long breaths before channeling her best confident voice to say : "I’m not afraid. I trust you."  
  
    Lena flashes a quick smile before entering scientist mode. "Okay," she says, "now Sam you can have a look."  
  
    Sam leans over Kara, squinting, and then squinting harder before retreating. "Shit. I can’t see through it. It must be made out of this metal you said I can’t see through."  
  
    "Lead." Lena and Kara say at the same time.  
  
    "I was expecting it," Lena pursues, not taken aback in the least. "It just means I’ll have to take a closer look."  
  
    Lena sits on a stool and then proceeds to pump it for a comically long time until she's at the correct height to start working. She straps her goggles to her face and they light up, illuminating Kara's wrists with a bright light. "Built them myself," she mumbles at Alex's inquisitive look.  
  
    "That’s clever."  
  
    "It is."  
  
    Lena starts tinkering away, occasionally asking Sam to pass her a tool, or Kara to angle her arm one way or the other. But gradually, her movements get more and more jittery, imprecise, a screwdriver slipping on Kara's wrist here, a plier falling from her hands there ; until she just slams her hand on the tray, sending everything flying away. "That bastard," she says in a low voice, "that fucking bastard." She gets up and starts pacing further and further away from Kara, mumbling incoherently and pulling at her hair. She stumbles, catches herself at the last second on her work station, kicks a dust bin, and resumes her pacing.  
  
    Sam seems to know better than to interrupt her, but Kara doesn’t. "Lena ?" she calls carefully. "Lena ?" she says again a bit louder. "Is something wrong ?"  
  
    Lena stops abruptly, suddenly in front of her again. "It’s my design. That motherfucking bastard stole my design."  
  
    "I. I don’t understand." Kara whispers, even though she has terrible inkling of what Lena is trying to say.  
  
    "Your wristbands are based on one of my prototypes," Lena says through gritted teeth. "A design I worked on a long time ago. For diabetics. I’d forgotten about it but clearly Lex hadn’t. Oh God Kara, I did this, I poisoned you."  
  
    "You didn’t." Kara, Alex and Sam all say at the same time with varying levels of certainty.  
  
    "I did ! This is my design !"  
  
    "You couldn’t have known Lex would use it to do something like that. You had good intentions."  
  
    "I should have known ! He twisted every single one of my inventions. I just, I should have known."  
  
    "You're not like him. You're not malevolent like he is."  
  
    "How can you say that Kara ! You’re dying because of me !"  
  
    "No. I was dying because of Lex Luthor. And I’m going to live thanks to Lena Kieran. You are not him. It's not your fault if he stole your design, he’s just an evil unimaginative dickhead. You are not him."  
  
    "She’s right," Sam adds softly. "Listen to her. You are not Lex. You are good, and gifted. Don't ever think that you are anything like this cockroach." Slowly, she moves closer to Lena until she's close enough to put an arm around her. When Lena doesn't shrug her off, she engulf her into a warm kryptonian hug murmuring something in her ear that Kara doesn't manage to hear.  
  
    "Alright," Lena says, stepping away from Sam’s embrace, "I must still have the blueprints somewhere. It should help."  
  
    Lena steps away from Kara once more, this time with more measured steps and crosses the room to retrieve a futuristic looking tablet from one of a biometrically locked cabinet. The back of the device is stamped with big black letters reading _K-Tech._ "I made that too," she says curtly before Alex can ask the question. She goes to sit in one of the high back armchairs and stays there for long minutes, long enough for Sam to go get water for everyone, and an inhuman amount of snacks for herself.  
  
    Eventually, Lena reemerges and makes her way toward them with a smile that would be triumphant if it weren’t so small. "Got it," she says waving the tablet. "If he didn’t modified them too much, it should be manageable. Not a piece of cake, but at least manageable." And without further ado, she gets to work.  
  
    "So," Lena says as she starts working on the right wristband, "only one of these monitors your vitals, it’s the left one. I know because they are actually design to be worn individually. The one on your right wrist only delivers Kryptonite to your system, in synchronisation with the left one. I’m going to start with this one, it should be easier, less microelectronic breakable parts. I’m going to try to slide the Kryptonite part off the wristband so it’s less dangerous when I remove the whole thing. That’s why I have to cut the side off."  
  
    Kara is grateful that Lena decided to walk her through it. Listening to her voice is calming ; it helps her take her mind off what’s happening. When Lena talks, it’s easier for her to push back the increasing pain in her body. Her voice has this soothing rhythm that Kara as only ever found in the ocean. She doesn't really register the meaning of the words, focusing instead on the inflections, the way her tongues wraps around certain syllable, her accent seeping more and more as she moves forward taking apart the chunky cuff.  
  
    "Damn it !" Lena exclaims as the wristband seems to cut into Kara’s skin. "I’m sorry. My design was definitely less bulky."  
  
    "It was also less murdery." Kara tries to joke but the moment the words get past her lips, her hand seems to be plunged in molten metal. The pain is blindly hot and engulfs her arm, then her torso, gets down to her legs and encase her head until her whole body seems to disappear leaving only agony. She hears the wild beeping of a monitor but the burning of her limbs prevents her from connecting it to her own failing heart. She hears Lena yelling "Shit ! There’s a failsafe !", and Alex calling her name over and over again, and Sam rushing around.  
      
    And then nothing.  
  
    Nothing at all.  
  
***  
  
    "How did that happen Lena ?! What did you do to my sister ?!"  
  
    "I don’t know Alex ! I don’t fucking know !"  
  
    Lena can feel panic taking over and now really isn’t the time because Kara is dead.  
  
    Dead because of her.  
  
    Her instincts kicks in and she wants to pray to a God she doesn't believe in that it's not too late, but she doesn't have the time to spare for this.  
  
    "Alex cardiac massage, now ! Sam, if her heart starts over on it’s own you need to cool her down with freeze breath. Hopefully, it’ll prevent the Kryptonite from circulating too quickly. I have something I can reverse engineer."  
  
    "You have four minutes !"  
  
    "I know that ! I fucking know that !"  
  
    Lena darts away, making a run for the cabinets. She finds what she's looking for in the first one she opens, cursing the biometric lock the whole time. It's a crossover between a gun and a syringe capable of killing a Kryptonian. A gift from Lex that she kept for no reasonable reason. She's never been more thankful for her own weird nostalgia. She slams the gun on her work station a bit harder than necessary, one of the sharp edge cutting her hand open in retaliation. She starts taking it apart quickly, her deft fingers working faster than ever, cutting a wire here, inverting a pump there, until she's left with a skeleton of a gun held together by tape because she's running out of time and Sam is getting ready to freeze Kara over and Alex is crying and calling out for her. She runs back to them, stumbling, falling, getting back up, her vision is blurry and she realises she is crying too. Sam rips Kara’s shirt open and Lena finds herself calling out Rao’s name as she jams the end of the gun in Kara’s chest and press the trigger.  
  
    For what is quite possibly the longest second of her life, nothing happens. And then the gun starts buzzing lightly and the pump fills with green glowing goo and a bit of blood because it was a hasty job. Kara's body jerks upward and when she slams back on the chair her eyes fly open, wide and afraid, Lena's name tumbling from her lips.  
  
***  
  
    Kara opens her eyes to the Jewel Mountains. It's sunset, and everything is tinted with Rao's sleepy light. The slow breeze ruffles her hair and the light grey mortuary tunic she is wearing. She takes a step forward and it's like she weights nothing, she doesn’t walk, but starts floating instead, and she is finally free of pain as Rao takes over. The air around her is soft, and each breath tastes like home. A six-legged Fauna runs past her, its usually green skin now maroon in the setting sun. She bends to pick up a Dar-Essa and twirls it in her hands before putting it in her hair. As she floats towards the Mountains, a familiar shadowy silhouette arises, seemingly out of nowhere.  
  
    "Mum...?" she asks hesitantly. "Mum !" She shouts this time, her whole being thrumming with love and happiness. She starts forward, her feet unmoving but her body progressing nonetheless, carried by Rao. Alura doesn't seem happy to see her ; her features are tensed, set in harsh stone.  
  
    "What are you doing here Kara ?" she whisper-shouts through gritted teeth. "You shouldn't be here. I sent you on Earth to live. Go Kara. Go !"  
  
    Alura dissolves into a puff of dark mist and behind her the Mountains start crumbling. A sudden sense of urgency takes over Kara and she wills her body to run. She propels herself at an incredible speed until she topples over an edge that wasn't there a second before and falls into blinding white light.  
      
    She falls and falls and falls until her body slams hard on a hard invisible surface and the light gives way to a foggy darkness populated with twisted trees and pointy rocks. She scrambles to her feet and stumbles immediately, Rao no longer carrying her mortal body, His light absent from the ever-dead Valley of Juru. Someone, or something, murmurs unknown words in her ear and it sends chills down her spine. Her best option seems to run but her body feels leaden and her feet are rooted to the ground. A black shadow descends over her, cold, and unforgiving.  
  
    For a moment it feels like her soul is leaving her body ; she's lost, breathless. Then she opens her unknowingly closed eyes to a fuzzy and painful world.  
  
***  
  
    Saying that it hurts would be a fucking understatement. Kara feels like her body has been roasted to dust and that her skin has been seared off her flesh. Everything is blurry and tinged with green. She feels something wet on her cheeks and can only hope it’s tears and not blood. Lena’s face is dancing above hers and she tries to reach out but her arms are unresponding.  
  
    "Ssshh don’t move." Lena’s hazy silhouette says. "You’re okay. I’m sorry. You’re okay."  
  
    Beyond the fog, Kara notices something glistening on Lena’s face, like she’s been crying. Painfully, she looks around, her eyes settling on Sam, and on Alex. They’ve been crying too, their faces glimmering under the too harsh lights of the lab, so unlike Rao's gentle rays.  
  
    Did she die ?  
  
    "What, what happened ?" Kara asks, seeking confirmation, her voice breathy and weak.  
  
    "You..." Lena starts before stopping abruptly, chocking back tears.  
  
    Kara turns to Alex helplessly, but it's Sam who answers, "Your heart stopped beating. Something went wrong with your wristband and it emptied all its Kryptonite into your veins. Lena got everything out. But Alex had to perform CPR so you wouldn't lose any brain function."  
  
    "You're okay. You're okay. You’re okay." Lena repeats this sentence over and over again until the words are all jumbled together and it doesn't makes much sense anymore.  
  
    The desperate mantra gives Kara enough strength to make her hand move around blindly until she can grab Lena's. "I'm okay," she says. Slowly, she turns toward Alex again and crooks a few words out, words that hurt more than the physical pain in her body : "I saw Rao's light."  
      
    "You...? Oh God Kara..."  
  
    "My Mum was there too," Kara says, trying to fight back the sad smile stretching on her face. "She. She told me to come back here. So I did."  
  
    Silence is the only thing that meets Kara’s words. Alex is fighting back tears, Sam’s mouth hangs open uselessly, and Lena’s grip on her hand is so strong that Kara can’t help but wonder if she didn’t acquire superstrength in the few minutes that it took to reanimate her.  
  
    "Can you still get them off ? The wristbands ?" she asks when silence becomes unbearable.  
  
    "I…"  
  
    "Please."  
  
    "Yes. Yes I can do it," Lena says, determination etched on her face. Her jaw is clenched so tight that Kara is afraid it's going to burst to dust. She disentangles her hand from Lena's and lifts it to softly caress her cheek, leaving it there until her features soften.  
  
    Lena steps back from the chair to redo her ponytail ; and now might not be the most appropriate time to do so but Kara can't help but notice she looks beautiful in all her scientific glory.  
  
    She would have looked marvelous on Krypton.  
  
    Lena gets back to work with renewed fervor. Now that the wristband is empty of Kryptonite, it's easier to remove, and she does so in a matter of minutes. Kara is left with an angry burn mark circling her right wrist. The second one is a bit more tricky as Lena has to work around the monitoring device. She starts by carefully removing the Kryptonite before throwing it in a double lead lined box, along with the gun filled with Kryptonite and blood. She takes the time to interrupt her work to take the box to the other side of the lab, as far away from the two Kryptonians as she possibly can. When she comes back, she picks up the microchip and brings it to eye-level.  
  
    "Okay," she says, releasing a shuddering breath. "I’ve encoded this with the entire set of human’s emotions, a bit more towards sadness and desperation so it will look realistic on their servers. It will cycle randomly along with burst of electricity to mimic you trying to do something power related. On the DEO's side, it will look like nothing’s changed. But you, you will be free." Lena pauses, searching for Kara’s eyes with her owns. "You’ll still have to be careful of course. And in case the wristband also monitors the radiation levels, I will put everything next to the Kryptonite, in a place known from only me, in Midvale, so it doesn’t look like you’ve left the town." Carefully, Lena slides the chip in the wristband until it slots into place with a satisfying click. "Okay I think that’s it. Sam, can you launch the tracking software on my tablet so we  can be sure ?"  
  
    "Yes boss," Sam replies in a way that has Lena rolling her eyes.  
  
    "Where is Kara ?" Lena asks as she starts removing the titanium screws holding the wristband together.  
  
    "She’s in Midvale, California."  
  
    "And where is she know ?" Lena asks again as she removes the last screw and slides the cuff off Kara’s wrist.  
  
    "Still Midvale California. We're getting a strong signal. Elevated heart rate. Signs of distress."  
  
    "It’s working." Lena says, half surprised and half joyful, a smile growing on her face.  
  
    "It’s working." Kara repeats after her, her voice thick with both emotion and exhaustion, a smile of her own mirroring Lena’s.  
  
    Kara lifts her arms to inspect her wrists. The left one is sporting its own scorch marks, though they are slightly less scary than the other. They still feel heavy, her whole body still feels heavy, but the perspective of energy, and strength in the very near future, fills her with a restless buzz, and the need to move. "Can we go outside ?" she asks, slowly lifting herself up on her elbows. "I’d like to see the sun."  
  
    "Sure we can go," Lena answers excitedly, removing her goggles and peeling off her gloves and lab coat. "We can do whatever you want !"  
  
    "Wait," Alex interrupts, resting a light hand on her shoulder, her voice full of sisterly concern. "How do you feel ?"  
  
    "Tired. Exhausted. Like I've been hit by a train. But I can breathe Alex. And I’d really like to go outside."  
  
    "Okay. I’m going to help you up and we can go outside. The sun will do you good."  
  
    Alex is careful. Too careful for Kara’s taste, but she understands. She’s had Alex nearly dying on her before, and it's not something she will ever forget. The vision of her sister's motionless body in her arms is something that will stay with her forever ; and she won’t pretend that she doesn’t understand how Alex is feeling right now. It's a feeling, a haunting that they share, as sisters.  
  
    Both Alex and Sam have to help her up ; and her legs don’t cooperate enough for her to walk on her own. They have to half carry her all the way back to the surface while Lena leads the way, periodically looking over her shoulder like she's afraid Kara will disappear if she doesn't check. And to be fair, it's probably what she fears. Kara is having a hard time processing what happened. Not just the removal of the wristbands, and her newfound freedom. But dying, seeing the light of Rao and her mother. She felt warm and safe there. Welcomed. But it’s not something she can share, at least not right now, because to Lena, she was just terrifyingly dead for long minutes.  
  
    Lena leads them through a door that Kara has never noticed before, and they emerge in the back garden, basked in sunshine.  
  
    She slowly steps into the light, holding her breath.  
  
    A tingly feeling starts at the tip of her fingers and spreads all the way down to her toes. She feels her blood warm, her damaged skin heal, and her cracked joints mend. A rib snaps back into place but it only faintly hurts. She feels warm all over, fatigue seeps out of her body, replaced by strength, and power. She wouldn't be surprised if she were glowing, and actually, when she looks down to inspect her hands, she is. Her feet lift off the ground and she starts floating effortlessly. A bubbly laugh makes itself known at the back of her throat and she lets it out without restraint. Behind her, Lena starts laughing too, and Alex, and eventually Sam. The garden fills with laughter, relief clear on every faces. Kara picks Lena up and spins her around and she looks surprised, but happy.  
  
    Kara could nearly kiss her.  
  
    She could. All she would have to do is lean and kiss her.  
  
    And then Alex's phone starts ringing. Her DEO phone.  
  
    The ringtone cuts through everything, piercing Kara's eardrums and she nearly drops Lena in surprise. She manages to regain control quick enough to lower them to the ground and cover her ears, curling up on herself as Alex fumbles to find her phone and answer it. Lena is standing just inches away from her, arms open and Kara must give her consent somehow because she wraps her in a hug shielding her from the noise in the only way she can right now. A small steady sound, previously unheard makes its way to her brain. A comforting thump-thump that takes over the shrill of Alex's phone signal, and the thundering of water in pipes all over town, and the buzzing of electricity in wires ; a heartbeat, Lena's. Kara lets it fill her head until it's all she can hear, until she trusts herself enough to return Lena's embrace without crushing her, until she can feel the warmth of the sun on her back again, until she can breathe.  
  
    Kara detaches herself from Lena and carefully tunes into the conversation. She immediately wish she hadn't.  
  
   _"Stop skirting around Agent Danvers. When something like that happens, I want to be the first to know. It's your job to do so."_  
  
    "She tried to take her own life Colonel. I had to do something. She drowned and went into cardiac arrest."  
  
_"You reacted like a sister. I want you to act like an agent. I don't want to lose my time sending a team in the middle of nowhere just because an alien wanted to take a bath. Next time, do your job and keep me updated Agent Danvers."_  
  
    "Is a team on its way ?" Alex asks, horror etched on her face but her voice cool and unwavering.  
  
   _"No. And I won't lose any more time with that. Send me a detailed report. And I want to be kept in the loop about her mental state. If Supergirl dies on us people are going to know. I don’t trust half of my agents not to get the word out. And I don't want president Baker on my case if civilian unrest arises. Do your job Agent Danvers."_  
  
    "Will do Colonel."  
  
_"You have until tonight to send your report. Or I might just decide that you're unfit for duty and find someone a bit more interested in doing their job and a bit less interested in Kara Danvers’ well being."_  
  
    Haley hangs up without giving Alex time to reply. She's clenching the phone so tight that Kara is thankful for the device that her sister doesn't have superstrength.  
  
    "If it comes down to this, can you put the wristbands back on ?" Kara asks, turning away from everyone so she can find the best patch of sun to stand in, in case she has to be put back on Kryptonite.  
  
    "That’s not an option Kara," Alex says before Lena can even consider replying.  
  
    "I won’t let them blow you up if I can prevent it," Kara bites, concerns hardening her voice. "Lena, can you do it ?"  
  
    "I’d have to build them back from scratch but yes, I can do it." Lena speaks with confidence, but Kara doesn’t miss the flash of worry in her eyes, doesn't miss how her fingers tense like she wants to clench her fists but doesn't want to show any external sign of fear. "Or you know," she adds cautiously. "I could also deactivate the wristband Alex is poorly hiding under her sweater."  
  
    "No way. It’s too dangerous !" Kara exclaims just as Alex calmly says : "Do it."  
  
    "What ? Alex no !"  
  
    "I’m tired," Alex says as she lets herself drop on a small stone bench, her body reflecting her words and melting with all the exhaustion Kara realises she’s been keeping at bay. "I’m tired Kara. Exhausted. I feel empty, and heartbroken, and scared, and I just want everything to stop. I could die. Fine, so could you. You did." Her voice cracks on this words, and she doesn’t regain composure. "It’s not just you in this, you don’t get to call all the shots. I want this thing off me because I’m tired of having to look at it everyday wishing it would just go off so I could stop feeling this way. So if Lena can take it off, I want her to do it. Please, don’t argue with me on this."  
  
    "Okay." Kara says, trying to keep her voice steady and coming to sit next to her sister. "Okay. You’re right. I reacted unfairly and I apologize. I’m just scared."  
  
    "I’m scared too. Even if I don’t always show it. Even if I suck at sharing my feelings. I am scared."  
  
    Kara scoots closer and closer, leaving the decision open for Alex to retreat if she doesn’t want her to be here. Eventually, she leans on her sister, and Kara wraps a cautious arm around her, unsure of her renewed strength. Alex, who often knows her better than she knows herself tugs at her arm until it rests more securely on her shoulder and she tucks herself against her. Kara can feel her sister's body shuddering with unshed tears and she shoots a look at Sam, hoping to convey their need to be alone. Sam silently guides Lena back inside as the latter scribbles ideas on her hand with a Sharpie, to engrossed in her rescue plan to even look at where she's going. Alex starts crying openly as soon as the door close, and Kara holds her, trying to transfer some of her infinite strength to her, and fulfilling her promise to be the big sister for as long as Alex will need her to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter, I really enjoyed writing it  
> My new job is not the best, my commute is long and I there are a lot of people, I'm tired and in fight or flight mode 99% of the time. I don't fair well in social situation which is probably why I like writing better ; I've been taking writing breaks when coworkers take their smoking breaks, and honestly, writing is all I care about. A third of this chapter was probably written at work ^^


	20. Visions of the way it will end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday was a holiday and I decided to take a vacation day today so I could have an extra long week-end which means that this chapter is coming to you earlier than I thought it would (and also that I don't have to talk about the weather with six different coworkers (why does the fact that it's raining or not is a more socially acceptable subject of conversation than let's say rocket fuel (I'm really into rocket fuel these days and I don't know why but if you want to talk about rocket fuel DM me on twitter or something)).  
> I hope I didn't messed up when editing this.  
> Thank you for being the best readers I could have ever hoped for.
> 
> Title is from "Kennedy Curse" by The Maine

    Kara wakes up three feet above the ground with Alex tugging at her tshirt to bring her back on the bed. "If you're going to sleep fly," she mumbles, "at least don't hog the fucking blanket." Kara lowers herself down gently, not too keen on breaking another bed, and Alex retrieves the covers grumbling something about aliens and not even needing blankets. Which is true, theoretically Kara doesn't need blankets, she runs warmer than most beings. But she likes the feeling on her body, the weight when she stacks several of them ; the downside being that people who sleep next to her tend to overheat.  
  
    Crying must have been exhausting for Alex because she falls right back asleep, though it's more likely that she didn't really woke up in the first place. For Kara however, going back to sleep is another story. Everything is so loud. She tries to tune things out little by little but her hearing keeps on jumping back to sounds, like a poorly tuned radio. She manages to tune out the buzzing and clicking of the traffic lights but hear someone going to the bathroom in a house a couple of miles away and it leads to hearing the water rushing in canalisations,  someone turns on the light and she hears the crackling of electricity in every house, Alex turns on her side and she hears the movement of air along with the ruffling of the sheets, a dog barks and she hears insects crawling everywhere, there's a family of mice in Lena's secret tunnel, someone is walking on the beach, Dolly is eating a midnight snack, a leaf is falling to the ground, Kara's head is going to explode.  
  
    Something is beating loudly very close to her and it takes her a while to realise that it's her own heart running wild. She singles it out with difficulty and only when she can hear only herself does she dare expand her hearing again in search of a soothing sound. It leads her to another problem, she doesn't know whose heartbeat to listen to. She's used to Alex's, it's familiar, comforting ; but it's Lena's that her ears are looking for and they keep switching back and forth between the two, leaving her unsettled.  
  
    Eventually, Kara gets out of bed, leaving Alex bundled up under the covers, and climbs out on the roof. Somehow, it's easier to focus there. She looks up zooming in easily until she finds the star she's looking for, Krypton. Her heart twinges with the knowledge that, according to her calculations, it won't be long until Earth catches up with space-time and the light of her belated planet stops shining. But for now it's here, a bright spot in the dark, and looking at it, it's easier for Kara to tune out the heartbeat of her sister, who she knows is asleep and relatively safe, and tune in to Lena's, who is awake, presumably working late into the night. This is how she falls back asleep, with Krypton, and with Lena.  
  
***  
  
  
    "I can't believe you have Nth metal lying around just in case." Alex says, incredulous. "Who does that ?!"  
  
    "That's because you haven't known her for long," Sam says, laughing, "Lena has enough spare pieces in her lab to build a spaceship in three to four business days. You get use to it."  
  
    "Two to three," Lena deadpans, "and suited for intergalactic travel," she adds cockily, loosing all pretend seriousness in favour of an attractive smirk that has Kara loudly dropping the screwdriver she was toying with. Loudly because she drops it from where she's floating, close to the ceiling. "Come back with the earthbounds Supergirl, we need you down here."  
  
    Kara floats down gently, careful not to damage the floor, and lands next to Alex, whose look of determination and strength is only for show. She's fooling no one, mostly because two out of the three persons that are surrounding her can hear her terrified heart. She seems to have forgotten that Sam's can though, because when she smiles at her in a way that is both encouraging and tender, she looks taken aback. Kara, who can hear Sam's heartbeat, isn't surprised by that smile at all.  
  
    "What can I do to help ?" Kara asks, talking to Lena without looking at her because she looks entirely too alluring, engrossed in her work, and Kara needs to focus on Alex right now, not on the way her friend's skin barely contrast with her labcoat, not on the sharp attention of her green eyes behind her glasses.  
  
    "How hot is your heat vision ?"  
  
    "Around fifty millions degrees at most, why ?"  
  
    "You can tone it down, right ?" Lena asks, not looking up from her tablet. "I need you too solder the edge of this box with tungsten but I also don't want it to explode."  
  
    "Can't you ask Sam ?" Kara asks, suddenly feeling inadequate and unsure of her powers. What if she can't control her heat vision like she used to ? What if she breaks something ? Or worse, what if she injures someone ?  
  
    "Her heat vision isn't her strongest skill yet. You've got more practice," Lena says matter-of-factly. "But you can try on a spare part if you want," she adds in a gentler way, looking up from her work to search for Kara's eyes, persevering until she agrees to meet her gaze. "And I know you can do it."  
  
    "Don't you have a super soldering iron we could use instead ?" Kara's voice comes out barely over a whisper, and the feebleness of it brings her attention to other things that seem to be malfunctioning in her body, like her heart which keeps on missing beats, and her lungs which can't seem to suck in air, her legs which are trembling , and her skin which is covered in a thin layer of sweat.  
  
    "You are my super soldering iron," Lena says, her voice coming muffled to Kara's ears.  
  
    "Okay," Kara replies, pushing back the roaring and the fuzziness. "Okay I'll do it,"  
  
    Lena lays down two pieces of Nth metal and a bar of tungsten and Kara forces herself to move towards them, channeling her former superhero persona and assuming a powerful stance. One foot forward, one foot back, fists clenched, shoulders open, head focused ; she can hear J'onn advices like if he were here with her. He's not though, because if he were, she would be able to hear his slow heartbeat, and smell his peculiar scent of dust, and feel his overall calming presence. She can't, because he isn't here ; she doesn't know where he is.  
  
    Pression builds behind her eyes. _She throws Cat Grant off a balcony._  
  
    Blue beams shoot straight from her eyes. _She sets her wardrobe on fire._  
  
    A pained and terrified scream fills the room. _She lets Alex fall from the sky._  
  
    Kara closes her eyes, cutting the lasers abruptly. The stench of molten metal and burnt concrete assaults her senses and she staggers, the sound of her own scream still ringing in her ears. In place of the metal, there now is a gaping smoldering hole.  
  
    The room is filled with a staccato of heartbeats, and amongst them, Lena's, and this time Kara singles it out easily, its rhythm already becoming more and more familiar. It's what brings her back, it's what prevents her from stepping right into the hole for it to swallow her, it's what makes her turn to the owner of this heart to say : "I want to try again."  
  
    It doesn’t work on the second time either, and Alex has to hold her for long minutes until she can hear something other than the crackling of embers in the second hole, until she can open her eyes and not see through everything.  
  
    It works on the third time. After the fourth, Lena lets her work on the actual box. It takes a lot of concentration and the involvement of absolutely zero use of superspeed ; it leaves Kara feeling drained, but with her now dimmed down powers, the world is pleasantly dull. The hug Alex wraps her in feels extra warm, and Lena's smile looks extra soft. But it's Sam whistling mutely and asking for lessons in heat vision management that truly makes her feel better.  
  
    Lena puts the smooth box on her work station and instruct Alex to sit next to it. The plan is simple and only slightly terrifying, and she exposes it with a weird clarity for someone who hasn't slept and is running on coffee and sheer will only. Which says a lot about Lena's dedication, as coffee really isn't her thing. She spent the night developing and fabricating from scratch a device meant to be attached to Alex wristband to deactivate it remotely. Alex will be protected by an Nth metal panel in addition to the box meant to absorb the explosion in case of miscalculation on Lena's part.  
  
    "Worst case scenario," Lena says, completing her expose, "you should only lose your hand."  
  
    "A hand for a life, the odds are in my favour," Alex chuckles weakly, leaning into Kara's side.  
  
    "And we would also have to make a run for it to hide the fact that you're not dead from the DEO." Lena adds hesitantly, like she's been pondering if she should point out this particular detail.  
  
    "Worst case scenario," Kara chimes in with a bravado she doesn't feel. "And you could always build that spaceship."  
  
    Her joke falls a bit flat but now isn't the time to be offended by it. Lena adjusts the device on Alex's wrist and seals her arm inside the box before retreating behind the Nnth metal protection. Sam, who like Kara doesn’t need the protection still comes to stand on the other side of Alex, and, sandwiched between the two Kryptonians, the human stands a bit taller.  
  
    Lena enters a code on her tablet and Kara would have nearly missed it if not for Alex's sudden yelp followed by a snap inside of the box. She tries to see through the metal but her vision acts up and takes her all the way to the other side of the room, passing through the black board to abut on the lead lined walls. Sam whispers to herself "It's okay, she's safe." And though it's not for Kara to hear she's still very grateful for the reassurance.  
  
    Lena releases a long deep shuddering breath before stepping out of the protected zone. "You can take your hand out of the box now Alex," she says, "it's safe."  
  
    Sure enough, when Alex removes her hand of the box, it's free of the explosive device, her only injuries being a few scratches from getting her hand in and out. "Well thanks God," she chuckles, her voice full of relief, "I don't know how I would have managed with only one hand."  
  
    "You would have been fine, what's a hand in the grand scheme of things !" Sam says with mock grandiloquence, and an exaggerated flourish of the hand.  
  
    "Says the virtually indestructible being who will probably never be faced with a life or hand situation." Alex bites back with a laugh, playfully rolling her eyes. Her laugh however exudes tiredness and she lets her body sag against Kara's, letting out an impressive yawn. "I need a nap," she mumbles, "or seven. Actually, I think we all need naps. Especially you Lena. You've done a lot and I am so very thankful for that, but you need to rest."  
  
    "It's the least that I could do," Lena replies, suddenly very interested in her shoes.  
  
    "Well," Alex says, not falling for it, "considering you had nothing to do with any of this, you could also have done nothing. So thank you."  
  
    "I designed..."  
  
    "... Kara's wristbands, yes you said that already," Alex cuts, straightening up to give weight to her words. "But nobody is holding it against you, so don't hold it against yourself. Okay ?"  
  
    "I, I'll do my best," Lena answers sheepishly.  
  
    "That's all we ask for," Kara says gently, rounding the table to offer a hug. "And now off to bed."  
  
    "I'm gonna ruin my sleep schedule if I go to bed now," Lena whines peevishly.  
  
    Sam snorts, choking on air, "Like you ever had a consistent sleep schedule in the first place."  
  
    Kara struggles to contain her laugh, Alex doesn't take such precaution. Lena looks offended for a second before she joins too, letting all the tension seeps from her body. There is a strange kind of levity to the moment, like they've reached the peak of their commune anxiety and can only let everything explode in roaring giggles. The same buoyancy carry them back to surface level, it goes on when Sam cheerfully offers to drive them home, and it permeates Alex's voice when she suggests Kara stays to make sure that Lena doesn't ingest coffee intravenously and try to single handedly take down Lillian.  
  
***  
  
    Lena stops fighting sleep the moment they’re left alone and when Kara jokingly offers to carry her up the stairs she actually agrees. So Kara does, bridal style. She carries her carefully and deposits her on the bed gently, acutely aware of her strength and the damages it could do. Lena wriggles out of her jeans and she's wearing boxer shorts, honest-to-Rao boxer shorts, and Kara's brain shorts circuit because she can't deal with the whirlwind of contradictory emotions she's been feeling for the past few days. She considers retreating to the couch with Krypto or maybe making good use of her superspeed to go home, but Lena asks her to stay in the softest voice. A barely over a whisper, cracked around the edges, "Stay." And so Kara does.  
  
    She settles over the covers at a respectable distance but Lena snuggles up to her immediately, inhibitions thrown out the window along with the necessity to wear pants. Her heart rate slows down to reach one of a healthy sleep and Kara discovers this new rhythm with delight. It's alleviating, and she can feel her own heart settling in kind. But she herself doesn't want to sleep. She wants to stay awake, feels the need to watch over Lena as she rests, and refuses to so much as close her eyes even though it would take her less than a second to react if a reaction was needed from her. Instead, she wraps a light arm around Lena and she picks up a book on the bedside table, the blue paperback Lena was reading a couple of days ago, a book about an autistic boy and a dog. She falls into it immediately, and can't help but smile while reading ; she too knows every countries in the world, and their capitals, by heart, but she knows every prime numbers up to well after 7.507.  
  
    Kara reads at human speed, which doesn't mean much because even without powers, she reads faster than the usual reader. Lena doesn't start stirring until she's past half the book. Her heart rate elevates slightly, going from deep slumber to barely awake ; it's subtle, but it's enough for Kara to notice. She puts the book back on the nightstand, mentally noting the number of the page she stopped at and tightens her hold on Lena. A frown comes disturbing her no longer sleeping face and Kara can't help but reach out to smooth it. It's what Lena opens her eyes to.  
  
    "Hey sleepyhead," Kara says in a cheesy way that she can't bring herself to care about. "Feeling better ?"  
  
    "Yeah, a bit," Lena mumbles, her voice hoarse with sleep. "Sorry I smothered you," she adds, starting to shift away.  
  
    "You made me unbreakable again, you can smother me all you want," Kara replies with an easy smile, though she still lifts her arm a little to allow Lena some room to breathe.  
  
    Lena doesn’t move away, she snuggles even closer, tucking herself under Kara’s arm, until their bodies are pressed together with no room at all between them, sweater against sweater, bare skin against jeans. They stay like that, quiet, for a moment that would be long enough for Lena to fall back asleep. She doesn’t ; though she does close her eyes, her heart rate is wide awake. Kara gets lost into it, reveling in its rhythm, its fullness. Absentmindedly she starts tapping it with her fingers, thump-thump, thump-thump, against Lena's shoulder, until her own heart aligns with it and she doesn't know which one she's mimicking anymore. The repetitive movement is a marvel for her fidgeting nature, making her feel calmer than she has in months.  
  
    "Are you listening to my heart ?" Lena asks suddenly, lifting her head from where it's resting on Kara's chest.  
  
    "Um, yeah," Kara says sheepishly, freezing faster than a fly caught in a Kryptonian’s cold breath.  
  
    "So it's not just something they make you do in comic books to make you more super ?"  
  
    "These comics were pretty well informed actually. They got almost everything right. except for pink Kryptonite, there is no such thing as pink Kryptonite."  
  
    "What's pink Kryptonite supposed to do ?" Lena asks, treading around the word more carefully than Kara. "There's a whole rainbow of them in these books, I never get them all right."  
  
    "It's the one that's supposed to make me gay. Which, one no need for that, and two, Kryptonite is never cool like that." This time, Kara says the word a bit more bitterly, almost spitting it out. "I never liked the stories with Kryptonite, even though I knew paper me would be alright at the end of the book. I used to skip entire panels on really bad days."  
  
    "I, I guess I never thought about it that way," Lena says, something akin to shame tainting her voice. "I’m sorry."  
  
    "You don't have to be," Kara reassures softly. "It was just entertainment to you, I can understand that."  
  
    Lena stays silent for a moment, and when she starts speaking again, it's to say something that Kara wasn't expecting. "It was scary. When I didn't knew who you were and I could see you decaying in front of me. And then when I was pretty sure that I knew but still couldn't do anything. I thought you were going to die." She tries to take a deep breath, but it gets caught in her throat. "And then you did die, even if it was just for a few minutes. And I'm not sure I have fully processed that already. I don't know what I would have done without…"  
  
    "You won’t have to find out," Kara cuts before Lena can spiral out of control. "I’m alive now, thanks to you. That’s what matters."  
  
    "What was it like," Lena asks hesitantly, "death ?"  
  
    "I..." Kara starts before stopping abruptly. And it’s not that she needs to think about it, she's already intimately acquainted with what she wants to say. But she doesn't know what she can say to Lena and what she cannot, doesn't know what Lena can bear to hear.  
  
    "Sorry, that was insensitive on my part," Lena says, misinterpreting Kara's silence and backtracking hurriedly. "You don't have to talk about it."  
  
    "No, it's okay. I want to. I just, I have to think about my words for a minute. I don't want to scare you."  
  
    "Take all the time you need. We have time." The last words are said under her breath, soft, and with something akin to wonder, like she can’t believe that they indeed have time.  
  
    "It was nice. I'm sorry, there are no other words for this. It was just nice. I was in Rao's light. There were Dar-Essas everywhere." Kara says after a while, bringing her free hand to her hairs, unconsciously looking for the flower she put there when she was dead. "Dar-Essas are flowers, my favourite," she adds for Lena's benefit. "And I was weightless. Rao was everywhere, carrying me, taking care of me. And well I know Rao is in everything already, but it was different there. No worries, no questions. I. I wanted to stay there. I think I wanted to stay there." Kara stops again, swallowing thickly. "And then my mum showed up. She told me to go. And I don't know why I did it when I wanted to stay so much just the second before, but I started running nonetheless. I didn't feel safe anymore. And then I fell, but I didn't wake up. I fell into the Valley of Juru. It’s a place for lost souls. For people who don't deserve to be with Rao." Kara can't keep going after that, the thought of being undeserving of Rao's light too heavy to bear.  
  
    "You, you wanted to be dead ?" Lena asks, choking on her words before quickly adding : "Nevermind, it's a stupid question."  
  
    "It's not a stupid question Lena," Kara replies, gathering all the softness she's capable of to put it in her voice. "You can ask questions. I wouldn't answer if I didn't want to talk about it. If I didn't want to talk about it with you. But if it makes you uncomfortable, we can talk about something else."  
  
    "No, it's okay," Lena says hastily, eager to let Kara know that she can talk to her, always. "I told you, I want to know all of you."  
  
    "To answer your question," Kara says slowly, carefully, "yes, I wanted to be dead. And I've considered death before. I mean, it's a given in my line of work. But I, um, I've thought about suicide too. As a teen, here on Earth, on this unknown planet where nothing felt right and I had nothing left. And as an adult. Recently even. After what went down with red Kryptonite I was mad at Alex, really mad, because she saved me without taking my opinion into account. I'm not sure I should tell you about this but she gave up secrets, and files, knowledge about aliens, to the DEO, in exchange of my life. And I was so so mad when she told me about this because all I could think about was how I was a monster and I didn't deserve to live." Lena represses a shudder, and feels around for her hand, intertwining their fingers, squeezing, trying to comfort her without words. "And then I realised that I was going to die anyway, because of Kryptonite poisoning. So I did my best to pass the time until then, and along the way, I realised that I had reasons to be alive. I have a sister, an Earth mum, friends ; I have you. And if I die now, I will be with Rao, but I will not be with you. I'm not going to lie to you, I felt at home in His light, but now is not my time."  
  
  
    "Thank you." Lena says thickly. "Thank you for sharing this with me. And thank you for staying."  
  
    "Thank you for giving me the means to stay," Kara replies, even though she isn't sure her words will ever be enough to thank Lena. She could hunt down the legendary Flamebird to gift it to her and it still wouldn't be enough to repay her for what she did, for her, and for Alex. "Not everything is rosy, but knowing that I'll be alright, physically, means a lot for my mental health. It means a lot, that you were willing to work something out to save me. That you didn't give up on me even after I pushed you away."  
  
    "I couldn't give up on you." Lena replies shakily. "I don't know what I would do without you in my life. You've become as essential to me as Sam, and in a shorter time. Even more essential." She mumbles the last words, like she's giving Kara the chance to pretend her superhearing didn't catch them.  
  
    "You've become essential to me too," Kara says, choosing to acknowledge Lena's confession, her heart fuller with every missed beat.  
  
    Lena looks up from where she's resting with a shy but dazzling smile. She looks incredible in the afternoon light, and Kara gets the quiet urge to kiss her, it would be even easier to do so right now that it was the day before.  
  
    Her stomach rumbles.  
  
    She doesn't go in for a kiss.  
  
***  
  
    They part with a long hug, their longest yet, after they both agree that Kara should go home and check on Alex. On the way there, she stops at The Lion’s Den for half a dozen hamburgers that she scarfs down in front of a gleeful Dolly who started smilling as soon as Kara came in rattling out her formerly usual order. She throws in a free vanilla milkshake, with green food coloring, an old trick they used to do to make Jen believe that they were healthy. For the entirety of Kara's meal, Dolly throws various objects at her, delighted by her quick reflexes, and asking questions after questions to know what happened, especially interested in what Kara is willing to tell her about Lena's involvement.  
  
    At home, she finds Alex on the porch, unboxing the old telescope. "It's supposed to be a clear night," her sister says in lieu of a greeting. "Can you help me set up this thing ?"  
  
    "How are you feeling ?" Kara asks lifting the tripod like it weights nothing and setting it down carefully on the mismatched planks, testimony of the day she put it through the wood.  
  
    "Good," Alex replies simply, tightening a screw. "We went for ice cream with Ruby. Well we had lunch here, leftovers from yesterday. Sam eats as much as you so we’re going to need to go grocery shopping. And then we picked up Ruby from school and we had ice cream."  
  
    "You spent the day with Sam ?" Kara asks, taking absolutely no precaution to hide her interest in her sister hanging out with Lena’s bestfriend.  
  
    "Yeah. She’s easy to talk to," Alex says shrugging. "Think we can see Krypton tonight ?" she adds, changing the subject with little care for Kara's curiousness.  
  
    "Angle it 33 degrees to the left. I’ll go fetch some blankets."  
  
    When Kara comes back with blankets and a massive amount of take out, that she seriously regrets not superspeeding to another town to get, instead of having to wait forever for it to be delivered here, the sun as set, and Alex is still standing next to the telescope, adjusting the settings. When Kara wraps her in a fuzzy blanket covered with stars, she surreptitiously wipes a tear from her cheek.  
  
    "I’m glad you’re here," she says trying, and failing, to make her voice steadier than it can be at the time.  
  
    "Me too", Kara says, briefly looking up at Krypton before looking back at her sister. "Me too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been on a streak of actually liking what I write these days, maybe because I don't have as much time to overthink it. I hope you guys do too and I'll see you soonish for another chapter.


	21. Awakening in the light of all the stars aligned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fake science !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of things before I let you go on with this chapter (but you can skip if you want, I won't get mad (and also I won't know so ><))
> 
> First of all : title for this chapter is from Telescope by Starset and if you remember well, there are two other chapters in which I mentionned a Starset song, could be a clue for this chapter, could be nothing. If you're the kind of person that likes this kind of thing, I'd suggest you check out the author notes of chapters 4 (Galaxies collide) and 12 (The event horizon).
> 
> Secondly : I completely forgot to mention this in the last chapter (cause I'm dumb) but Alex's hand scare didn't come from nowhere ! (Who would have guessed ^^). In Supergirl Rebirth, Eliza Danvers doesn't have a right hand and it is never explained why (as far as I know), so I toyed for a little bit with the idea of Alex losing her hand as an easter egg before ultimately decided not to do it
> 
> Last thing, less fun : I live in Europe and right now I am kinda freaking out because of art. 13. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a law regarding intellectual property on the internet that is going to pass on June 20th and could seriously impact fan art in the European Union. Since I'm a very anxious person, I put a disclaimer at the begining of all of my fics but just in case, I suggest you follow me on social medias : @GoodGirlGoneGay on Twitter and @ClaraZorEl on Tumblr. If things go south, and I really hope they don't, I'll set up a mailing list so everybody can still get updates. I, of course, will not stop writing just because a bunch of old white men don't understand the internet. (This is hypothetical at the moment but I'm a rather anxious person sooo)
> 
> I reread this three times and there were still typos so at this point I don't know, just roll with it ^^

    The wind rushes past her ears, turning everything into white noise, she could focus past it if she wanted to ; she doesn't. She's running fast enough for her feet to barely touch the ground, fast enough that her surroundings don't take mark of her passage. After a final burst of speed, Kara stops in the middle of a small, perfectly circular, clearing. It's alien made, a crater overrunned by vegetation, a reminder of the day she tripped after putting her foot through the ground. Over the years, grass has taken back its right, and flowers have started sprouting here and there. In the midst of autumn, the green mixes with the light purple of the Sweet Alyssum.   
  
    Only Jeremiah knew of this place, she never even brought Alex here, and nobody ever goes this far into the woods. The clearing has been left untouched since the last time she run this far from the house, since before she moved out to National City. She flops on her back, floating a couple of inches from the ground, careful not to crush any flower. The thick cover of trees cuts most of the wind coming from the coast, and the clearing is warm. Not that Kara can feel the cold anymore anyway.   
  
    The sky is clear from any cloud, its light blue seemingly infinite ; at least to eyes others than Kara’s, if she concentrates hard enough, she can see past the atmosphere. Today though, is not a day for such feats. Today, she just wants to enjoy the colour of Earth's sky. A few bees buzz around, birds are chirping ; beyond the trees, Lena's heart beats steadily. Kara indulges in the sound for a minute before jumping back to her feet, still inches above the ground ; they have an appointment today.  
  
***  
  
    If Kara made a superspeed run to the closest town to get a few tight tshirts, well nobody has to know.  And, if she now is admiring her figure in the mirror, well again, it's nobody's business. She's just checking to see if her old labcoat, the one with the NCU logo emblasoned on the breast pocket, still fits. It's a bit loose around the shoulders, courtesy of losing muscle mass, so she does 757 push-ups. Again, it's about her and only her. Nothing to do with Lena, nothing at all.  
  
    She takes the path through the beach, ruling out superspeed in favour of a human like, mind cleansing, pace. She stops at the gate of the house, where Streaky is resting in a ray of sunlight and hesitates for a second before gently patting her head, going through the old motions of practicing gentleness. Streaky headbutts her when she tries to get away and so she stays there for a while longer, petting her, both cat and alien enjoying the sun together. It’s weird at first, holding back again, and feeling all the different textures of the cat's fur, but eventually, she finds her rhythm, and Streaky purrs.  
  
    Lena is waiting for her in the back garden, looking much more rested, and so, so soft in a green flannel with the sleeves rolled up. Her labcoat is resting on the bench beside her, with her book, and an empty cup of tea. Her heart misses two beats when she meets Kara's eyes, and Kara's own flutters in response. Refusing to give it a second thought, Kara offers a hug when Lena gets up to greet her. She steps into the embrace and Kara wraps her in her arms measuredly. She feels everything, the softness of the flannel on her own bare arms, the delicate skin underneath, the tickle of Lena's hair under her nose, the sweet scent of her shampoo, her heart thundering away in her ribcage, the long content sigh she releases before stepping away from the hug.   
  
    "Oh," Kara says as the shifting of air following Lena’s movement reminds her of the messenger bag on her shoulder. "I have a gift for you."  
  
    "You do ?"  
  
    "Yeah," Kara replies, rummaging through her bag to produce a square package wrapped in kraft paper. "Here," she says, thrusting it in Lena's hand with an unsure smile, "this is for you."  
  
    Lena removes the gift-wrap in a slow, careful, endearing way, sliding a finger under each piece of tape without damaging it. Once it’s free of the paper, she turns face up a small canvas to reveal the painting of a "Northern Lapwing ?"  
  
    "I painted it last night, I had trouble sleeping." Kara scratches her neck, suddenly feeling shy at Lena’s intense scrutiny of the painting. "I remembered I promised to show you my paintings and then I thought I could do something just for you instead," she adds, rocking on her heels. "I hope you like it."  
  
    Time stretches for Kara as Lena's gaze shifts through every detail of the painted bird. When she finally lifts her head to look at Kara, it's with unshed tears in her eyes. "It's beautiful. I love it."   
  
    The hug she wraps Kara in would be qualified as bone crushing by anyone else. They hold onto each other for a not long enough moment, so close to one another that their heartbeats melt into one. "I have something for you too," she says when she steps away, unaware of Kara's wish to hold on forever. "Two things actually. Down in my lab."  
  
    They leave the sun and the garden behind as they bury into the depths of Earth, but as she follows the increasingly familiar path to Lena's lab, the warmth doesn't leave Kara. Probably because it doesn't come so much from the sun as from the person walking beside her.   
  
    Lena’s first gift doesn’t require them to make it all the way to the lab ; actually, the gift is required to make it to the lab. "I’m adding you to the biometric security," she says, motioning for Kara to scan her hand on her tablet. "This way you can come here anytime you want."  
  
    "Lena…" Kara starts, fumbling for words to express even a fraction of what she's feeling. Knowing that Lena trusts her enough to open her research to her, even after being betrayed by the only other qualified person who had access to it means more that she could ever say.   
  
    "You are as much part of this project as I am," Lena simply says, downplaying the fact that she's giving Kara access to her secret lab. "I don't want you to hold back." The tablet blinks green and Kara can hear the short buzz of the door and all the cabinets inside as their locks synchronise. "Here you go. Try it."  
  
    Kara puts her hand on the lock, slowly, careful not to damage the expensive equipment. The door slides open with a heavy thud and the telltale swoosh of air following its depressurisation. She swallows thickly, hovering on the threshold for a moment, trying not to think of the way her father would lift her up so she could unlock the door of his lab herself. She wishes that the labcoat she is carrying in her bag were his, a little too big for her ; she cannot help but hope against reason, that he is going to be waiting for her on the other side of the door.   
  
    If Lena notices her moment of hesitation, she doesn't mention it. Instead, she passes by her and enters the lab ; and when Kara catches a whiff of her usual scent of sweet orange and cinnamon, a smell so foreign to Krypton, it helps her shake off the memory. It's strange, how Lena both reminds her of Krypton and helps her stay grounded to this human world. Everything that makes Kara who she is seems more alive when she's around.  
  
***  
  
    There is something infinitely touching in the way Lena presents her with a piece of paper folded in four, a small tentative smile on her face. "It's not much for now," she says, "just an idea I've been working on, but I wanted to show it to you anyway."  
  
    Kara unfolds the paper carefully to reveal a complicated series of numbers and a rough sketch.   
  
    A rough sketch for a suit.   
  
    A supersuit.   
  
    "Don't pay attention to the design," Lena says nervously when Kara stays silent for a bit too long. "It's just, just in case you ever get the opportunity to be Supergirl again." She swallows thickly. "If you want to. The important think is I’ve been working on an anti-kryptonite shield. So you never have to go through what you went through. Ever again."  
  
    "You’re building me an anti-kryptonite shield ?" Kara asks weakly, her voice quivering a little.  
  
    "Yes. And the suit is just a possible application but I was thinking of something more like a belt that you could wear with your everyday jeans, or a bracelet. Something inconspicuous."   
  
    "This is amazing Lena. Thank you."  
  
    "Yeah ?" Lena ask, though it comes out as more of a relieved sigh than a word.  
  
    "Yeah," Kara confirms, a grin breaking on her face. "I don’t know if I will get to be Supergirl ever again." _Probably not._ "But not having to fear Kryptonite, it’s going to be life changing."  
  
    "I’m going to be honest, when, Lex, first told me about Kryptonite," Lena says, stumbling slightly over her brother’s name, "I thought, ‘What about it ?’ I could die a thousand different ways because I am human and there is only this one thing that could hurt you and your kind. But I’ve changed my mind, and I’m glad I did, because if I can help it, I don’t ever want to see you hurt again."  
  
    "Thank you for telling me," Kara says softly, slightly taken aback by the sudden confession. "I guess I can understand where you're coming from, sort of. Humans are so fragile," she chuckles feebly, "breakable," she adds in a whisper. "It doesn't change the way I see what you're doing for me. And it certainly doesn't change the way I see you."  
  
    "And how do you see me ?" Her question comes out as hesitant, but it’s clear that Lena wants to be bold, it’s in the way she straightens up when she asks it, in the glint of her eyes, in the very fact that she asked the question in the first place.  
  
    "I see you as a brilliant, kind-hearted, wonderful woman," Kara replies without needing so much as a second to think about it. "And beautiful too," she adds in a whisper. "You are generous, selfless, bright. On Krypton, you would have been among the greatest." The perfect match. "I am so lucky to have you in my life."  
  
    Kara doesn't know who stepped forward first but they are suddenly standing overwhelmingly close to each other. And Lena's lips are inches away. Four little words and a dip of the head would be all it would take. She looks like she wants it too, with her dilated pupils, her hands halfway between their bodies and moving towards Kara, her heart going wild. She's standing on her toes, her mouth opened and Kara hopes she's about to ask the question she herself can't seem to formulate. _Can I kiss you ?_  
  
    A sudden loud squeak followed by a small stampede have them jumping apart in surprise. "Shit !" Lena exclaims turning towards the source of the noise. "My rats !"  
  
    Kara has never hated rats more in her life.  
  
***  
  
    They work in synch in a way that has Kara more and more convinced that Lena would have had her rightful place in the Science Guild. She’s focused, sharped, but her mind is opened to every possibility. She works quickly, but carefully, always aware of the consequences of any misstep. Working alongside her is exhilarating, it feels like the life Kara would have had if Krypton had never exploded, if she had had the opportunity to enter the Science Guild, if she could have, day after day, worked in a state of the art lab, amongst the greatest of them all.   
  
    Lena truly is her Red Sun.   
  
    Now that Kara can admit from where she knows the serum, it's much easier for them to work on it. She doesn't have to twist things to pretend she isn't an alien, to pretend she isn't smart. She is used to toning down her intelligence around everyone ; but around Lena, she doesn't have to. Lena made sure of that, she promised that she wouldn’t have to hide with her, she repeated it several time like she was trying to drill into Kara’s brain. So around her, Kara won't hold back, at least when it comes to science.  
  
    Isolating the part of the serum that Kara thinks is responsible for the high mortality rate is easy, especially after she follows Lena’s advice to switch to kryptonian’s measures. Kara finds that her people's science is like riding a bike, once you know it, you know it forever. And Lena catches up on it rather quickly, drawing up a conversion table on a spare piece of paper. Periodically, she asks Kara to write down a word in Kryptonese next to a scrambled IPA note. Kara makes the silent promise to teach her all about her language someday.   
  
    Adding in isotope 454 proves to be a bit more complicated, the scientists on Krypton had stopped before finding a stable serum to instead switch to nanobots ; that next part is entirely up to Kara and Lena. They pour over calculations for hours, nearly skipping lunch, though Lena ends up warming instant porridge on a bunsen burner when Kara's stomach starts complaining a little too loudly.   
  
    They crack the correct proportions in the late afternoon, after seven dead rats, all named by Kara with the purpose of giving them dignified funerals, and two broken beakers. Lena realises she actually started holding her tablet upside down sometime after the fifth rat and was reading the formula incorrectly. The eighth rat, Bernard, doesn't start thrashing around, doesn't suffer from instant necrosis, and the analysis of his blood reveals that the serum is effectively combatting the disease. They divert their attention from the blood work for only one second, looking at each other in glee, but it’s enough to miss the moment the cells starts multiplying, some of them almost glowing. Bernard starts hovering and Lena starts pulling her hair and Kara has to remove her gently from the lab, promising that they will work on it again the next day, and the day after, and the next one after that, until they crack it.  
  
    Lena calms down and Bernard gets to keep is life ; but she refuses to watch _The Rescuers_ to unwind. Kara admits that it was a poorly timed joke, and this at least makes her smile. She smiles even more when Kara agrees to stay for dinner.   
  
***  
  
    "How did the nanobots work ?" Lena asks later, when they’re snuggled up on the couch with _The Great British Bake Off_ playing in the background, a development that is delighting to Kara. "Were you injected with them at birth ? To prevent diseases for your whole life ?"  
  
    "Well no. But it was the starting idea. Um, nanobots had a tendency to take over their host if they stayed for too long in one body. It happened before my birth so I didn’t witness it first hand but the pictures weren’t pretty." Kara can’t help but shudder at the reminiscence and Lena looks up in concern, lifting her head from her shoulder. "Scientists ended up developing a way to control them remotely and they became very efficient. They had to be injected in a very secure environment but they could get rid of cancer, or well the kryptonian equivalent of Earth’s cancer in minutes. By the time it, well, you know." Kara stops, inhaling sharply and squeezing her eyes shut for a second. "Before Krypton exploded, my dad was working on a vaccine that would have eliminated the need for nanobots entirely. We had eliminated every sort of diseases through vaccines, but cancer was a tricky thing, even on Krypton, particularly with our environmental issues."  
  
    "Is it, is it a technology that would work on Earth ?" Lena asks, caressing her hand comfortingly. "Could we build this piece of Krypton here ?"  
  
    "Yes and no," Kara replies slowly, understanding the intricacies of Lena’s question. It’s the same thing she’s been trying to push her to do by reclaiming the inventions her brother stole. "Earth isn’t technologically advanced enough. And though I don’t doubt you and I are brilliant enough to replicate this here, it would take years."  
  
    "And Dolly’s mum doesn’t have years," Lena whispers sadly.   
  
    "She doesn’t. But you are going to succeed. Nobody cures cancer in a day, and nobody expects you to do such a thing Lena. It’s just a set back, and it doesn’t mean that you’re not going to do it. You are brilliant."  
  
    "We," Lena says firmly, "we are going to do it."  
  
***  
  
    They settle into a new rhythm, a routine that Kara doesn’t mind. In the morning, they work in the lab, dissecting the cure, testing different versions, naming flying rats. Then Kara works her shift at the library and Lena studies Alex's files, trying to find Lillian's shadow in them. When Kara gets off work, they go back to the lab, sometimes to test things out, sometimes just to relax with the rats they seem to be co-parenting. Most days, Kara stays for dinner.   
  
    On the first friday after Kara is free from Kryptonite, Lena invites her and Alex to join Sam and Ruby for movie night. Kara and Sam have a popcorn eating competition (Who can eat the most ? Kara) and then an arm wrestling competition (Sam wins, but only because Kara got distracted by Lena's hair). It's Ruby's turn to choose the movie that night and she selects _The Martian_ , her only goal being to prove to her mother that 90% of the movie is technically impossible, a common interest she shares with Kara. She ends up falling asleep half on her mother and half on Alex before Matt Damon even has the time to depressurise his suit to shoot himself into space. Kara is overwhelmed by a heartwarming sense of belonging that she carries with her all the way home. Before falling asleep that night, she checks on Sam and Ruby's heartbeats to make sure they're safe before she tunes into Alex's, and then Lena's.  
  
    The weather gets colder, or well, as cold as it gets in California, and Lena starts wearing what she calls her "ugly windbreaker", an oversized hunter green parka. Kara just thinks she looks cute. Movie nights become a regular occurrence. And on a saturday morning, they all go support Ruby to one of her soccer game. Coach Stone is here, they talk a bit about Jen, and  Kara doesn't feel bad about it.  
  
    Some nights, when she's half asleep in Lena's living room and Sam is throwing pop-corn at her, or when she's walking home with Alex and they stop to pick up shells on the beach, she thinks that she could get used to this, that this could be her life. Some nights, Alex teases her about the way she looks at Lena and Kara thinks that she will kiss her tomorrow. Some nights she carries Ruby to the car while Sam is talking with Eliza about raising teenagers because they've been over to her house instead of Lena's.  
  
    Some other nights, she wakes up screaming and drenched in cold sweat and there are scorch marks on the ceiling. Some nights she dreams about strangling J'onn, or drowning Eliza, or tearing Lena to pieces, and Alex has to hold her until the early hours of the morning. On the days that follow these nights, flying rats are not that funny, and the world is too loud, and her shirts are to scratchy, and the origamis that she gifts to Lena are mostly ugly crumpled pieces of paper. On these days, she doesn't care that Lena started choosing names for their rats on her own, or that she keeps every messed up origami bird that Kara gives her, or that Eliza made pecan pie to cheer her up. On these days, Mrs Michael often finds her in the reserve of the library with her hands tucked over her hears and her eyes screwed shut. She never asks questions, only sends her home early with a staled piece of chocolate wrapped in horrendously colorful aluminum.  
  
    Tonight is one of these nights, and she’s sitting on the front porch because she started seeing blood as soon as she closed her eyes and Alex deserves a full night of rest where she doesn’t have to take care of her. She only just started sleeping better, without Maggie, and Kara doesn't want to disturb her. She draws her knees to her chest, mostly out of habit, she doesn’t feel cold. Her plaid shorts leave her legs uncovered and if she were human, she would be covered in goosebumps. The scars on her left knee shines under the moonlight. She doesn’t have many scars, they all fade under the yellow sunlight, even the ones around her wrists. There is one on her forehead, from the time she enthusiastically bumped her head on the dinning room table when she was six years old, and one on her knee, from when she broke her leg a few weeks before Krypton’s death. It's the only mark she bears from it, a trace of the passage of nanobots in her body, the point of entry and extraction.  
  
    Kara jumps to her feet before she can even formulates the idea clearly.  
  
    The point of extraction.  
  
    That’s it.  
  
    The nanobots never stayed in the body for too long ; and the serum shouldn’t either.   
  
    She starts running, she needs to tell Lena now, no matter if it's two am. She dashes at full speed before abruptly stopping, backtracking to leave a note for Alex. She's at Lena's under thirty seconds, snagging the key from a hidden digitally locked box, and darting up the stairs in a blur. She bypasses Krypto in a flash only to stop dead on her tracks in front of Lena's bedroom, finally taking in consideration that her sudden apparition might give the other woman a heart attack. She opens the door slowly, lingering on the threshold and calling out her name softly. Lena's heart spikes up wildly and she jumps to a seated position, brandishing a pocket knife previously kept under her pillow. Kara tucks this information away, deciding to deal with it later.  
  
    "What the fuck Kara !" Lena shouts, turning on the light and realising who the looming figure on her doorstep is. "What are you doing here ?!"  
  
    "I know what to do with the serum," Kara answers simply.   
  
    "Oh God. Yeah this definitely can’t wait until morning." Lena folds her knife and throws it aside, before launching herself out of bed, only to miss a step and tumble right into Kara’s arms. She's wearing an oversized band tshirt and plaid pajama pants with a hole on the knee ; and looks entirely too adorable for someone who has just been startled awake in the middle of the night. "Let’s go," she says, dragging Kara by the hand with a manic energy that contrasts with her sleepy voice. She grabs her labcoat and hurtles down the stairs, skipping the last three steps, Kara decides to float behind her because if she starts jumping steps too she's sure that she's going to go straight through them.   
  
    "So," Lena says once they're locked inside of the lab, slightly out of breath, her cheeks red and her hair the perfect home for baby birds. "What's your idea ?"  
  
    It occurs to Kara then that Lena agreed to get up in the middle of the night without knowing the details of what Kara wanted, and it makes her feel a bit fuzzy, that she trusts her that much. "I couldn’t sleep," she says, "and I was sitting outside and I remembered something about Krypton, something I don’t necessarily think about most days because bigger things happened right after." Lena nods, making sure that Kara knows she’s listening without interrupting her. "A couple of weeks before Krypton’s destruction, I broke my leg. I have a scar on my knee. I told you we didn’t keep the nanobots inside of our bodies and that’s the thing, I don’t have nanobots coursing through my veins right now because they were extracted right after they finished their job."  
  
    "We just need to extract our serum before it turns the patient into a superpowered being," Lena whispers slowly.   
  
    "Exactly ! And you already have an extraction gun, the prototype you used on me is a good base to work on."  
  
    "The serum can be as potent as we need it to be, it just can't stay inside. Kara you're a genius !"  
  
    "I wish I would have thought about this sooner though," Kara says, even though she doesn’t really mean it. Working with Lena on the cure has been perfect, and she wouldn’t take back any of their crazy days in the lab.  
  
    "You thought about it know and it’s more that good enough," Lena says reassuringly. "Do you have time to work on it now ?" she asks, pulling out spare pieces in frenzy. "What am I saying, of course you have time to work on it now," she mutters, "you woke me up at two am to work on it."  
  
    "We can work on it now," Kara says, carefully putting a hand on Lena’s shoulder to contain her feverish excitement. "But only if you take a deep breath and pace yourself. I don’t want you to accidentally hurt yourself."  
  
    "I’m acting crazy am I ?" she sighs, deflating a bit.  
  
    "You'd give a mad scientist a run for their money," Kara says, smirking. "But like in a cute way," she adds hurriedly when Lena glares at her in a mock-cold way  
  
    "Don’t sweet talk me Zor-El, we’ve got work to do."  
  
    This sentence only, and the way Lena says it, her accent catching slightly on the two syllables of her name, would be enough to fuel Kara through thousands of hours of lab work.  
  
***  
  
    They work in tandem, Lena disassembling her prototype to isolate the useful parts and Kara recreating the earlier version of their serum, with Lena's formula and isotope 454. Occasionally, Kara solders something with her heatvision and Lena helps her decipher her shaky handwriting. It's already late in the morning when they're finally done ; the black serum laying side by side with the shiny extractor gun. There is grease on Lena's cheek and Kara's sleeves are stained with something of unknown origin.   
  
    "It's test time," Lena says tiredly.  
  
    They select one of the few rats that doesn’t have superpower, a tiny rodent with a prominent tumor on its neck. Kara names her Marine. Lena's hand is shaking and she wraps her own around it to settle the trembling. She sends a quick prayer to Rao, and they inject the serum. They place the animal under the scanner, following the progression of the serum thanks to a last minute idea of adding a non-allergenic derivative of iodine as a contrast product. Kara draws some blood, placing it under a microscope as Lena readies her gun, adjusting the setting on second thoughts, as a rat is much smaller than a human. Kara gives her accord once the last of the malign cell have disappeared under her microscope and Lena props her gun on the little cannula going into the rat.   
  
    She pulls the trigger.   
  
    The gun buzzes lightly and for a beat, they hold their breath, not daring to move an inch. The cartridge fills with black fluid. On the scanner they watch as the serum recedes from the veins. They don't speak, afraid to jinx it if they so much as formulate the thought in their own head. Lena watches with bated breath as Kara draws some more blood to check it under the microscope. The cells are not multiplying. They are not glowing either. They look like normal healthy cells. And the rat doesn't start hovering. "It's working," Lena whispers. "It's working," she says again louder. "Kara we did it !"  
  
    Kara's brain is still trying to catch up with it, still trying to catch up with the fact that she had an idea that wasn't stupid and worked. Lena opens and closes her mouth several times, clearly trying to find better words, words that they will put in history books next to her name. And truth be told, she looks a bit crazy, with her hair in disarray and her shiny eyes and her grease stained cheek. And Kara doesn’t think, doesn't take a moment to second guess herself, she takes a step forward, and she kisses her.  
  
    It lasts for a second, two at most ; before Kara jumps back, fumbling over her words. "I'm sorry I shouldn’t have. I should have asked."  
  
    "Oh for God's sake," Lena says with a hint of something in her eyes that Kara has never seen before in her. "Or Rao’s, or whomever’s, shut up Kara." She steps forward, covering the distance that Kara has put between them, and puts her lips back on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How fitting that this is the first chapter that I post on Pride Month ;)  
> I think this is the longest chapter I have ever written and it says a lot about how much I love my fake science ^^  
> I hope you enjoyed it and I'll see you soonish for another one !


	22. The world is ugly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taylor Swift put me in a good mood so I edited this while drinking my second tea at work this morning and it's coming to you bright and early !
> 
> I'd like to apologize in advance for most of this chapter, but also before y'all come for my throat, please remember that in that awesome My Chemical Romance song, the other part of the line "The world is ugly" is "but you're beautiful to me", so keep reading until the end of it, you could be pleasantly surprised.
> 
> I also need to warn you that this chapter deals heavily with feelings of unworthiness, panic attacks, and sensory overload in a rather creepy way. I can't really put up separated trigger warnings as this is just a whole mess (but hey ! I promised angst ^^) ; if you feel like you're not in a place to read this right now, I'd suggest you wait for the next one which is a nicer and read them both as a bunddle. Otherwise, enjoy

    The world stops turning. Or maybe it doesn't, Kara doesn't care. The world can do what it wants, she's kissing Lena and that's all that matters. The universe reduces to Lena.

 

    Kara doesn't remember kissing anyone like this before. It's both frantic and unhurried, soft and frenzied. It's like the fabric of time is adapting to them, allowing them to experience everything at once. Lena wraps her arms around her neck, drawing her closer and it prompts Kara to snag her owns around her waist. She doesn't think about restrain, about controlling her strength, because somehow, the Lena pressing against her right now seems unbreakable.

 

    Kara cannot get breathless on this planet but she still feels the burn of her airless lungs when Lena steps away to catch her breath. She whimpers at the loss of contact, though the sound doesn't register as her own. Their lips are back on each other as fast as possible, clashing with a little more heat, and a little less softness, mouths open in an unspoken invitation. The moan that follows the first brush of their tongues against one another belongs to both of them.

 

    Kara backs Lena against the workstation and the sound that escapes her when her hips hit the cold table is enough to embolden her. Her lips disconnect from Lena's only to reattach to the sharp angle of her jaw before sliding down the tantalising curve of her neck. Lena's hands slide under the collar of her tshirt, their coldness a sharp thrilling contrast against her warm skin. Kara's slide against her waist, ghosting over her ass to grab her thighs and lift her up on the table. Fingernails digs into her back as she finds a special spot at the base of Lena's throat. The sound it elicits immediately becomes her favourite. Lena wraps her legs around her waist, trying to bring her even closer and Kara has to brace herself against the table when her hips buck forcefully in response.

 

    The cracking of the tiles is deafening.

 

    Kara jumps away, disentangling from Lena as fast as she can without breaking her. "Sorry," she says breathless. "I'm sorry. I got carried away."

 

    "I believe we both got carried away," Lena replies in a hoarse whisper, trying to catch her breath. "It's okay."

 

    "No it's not," Kara says, her voice tensed, just on the verge of panic. "I could have hurt you."

 

    "But you didn't," Lena states simply. "And I was very much enjoying myself so please, don't apologise."

 

    "I'm afraid to hurt you," Kara whispers looking away.

 

    "I know that darling," Lena says softly, getting off the table shakily to walk toward Kara. "I know that. I'm sorry that you have to be afraid of something like that."

 

    "I could crush you," Kara says, tears pooling into her eyes. "Snap you in two with a hug, turn your brain to mush with a kiss."

 

    "You won't. I trust you. Now, why don't we go to bed," Lena says reaching slowly to wipe away the tears. "To sleep," she adds quickly. "We've been awake for far too long, you're tired."

 

    "Okay," Kara replies in a breath. "Okay."

 

    "Can I kiss you ?" Lena asks ever so softly.

 

    Kara hesitates, scans her body for residual unchecked strength, and nods. "Yes, please."

 

    Lena kisses her featherlightly, leaving a couple of closed mouth pecks on her lips, before she steps away and threads their fingers together, slowly starting towards the door.

 

    She doesn't let go of her hand for the whole trip back to the surface ; and Kara chooses to focus on that, on the softness of her skin, on the pulse in her veins, rather than on the thunderous sound of her feet on the ground, the too strong smell of dirt, the heavy swirl of air that follows them. She lets herself be guided to the flat, lets Lena take charge though she herself know the way there by heart, could walk it backward with her eyes closed.

 

***

 

    Lena lends her a clean set of pajamas so she can change out of her owns, and when she steps out of the bathroom it's in a slightly too tight Supergirl hoodie, and leaving seven cracked tiles behind her. Lena insists that it's okay, Kara thinks it isn't, but she relents because she's got bigger problems to focus on, like trying not to listen in while Lena takes her own shower. Or the fact that she steps out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel because she forgot to take a change of clothes with her. They make porridge and Kara likes it more and more ; not because of the taste, which is still kind of awful, but because it's becoming their thing.

 

    Their meal starts quietly, with legs tangled under the table and shy smiles, but rapidly turns in a complicated affair, when Kara realises she can't stand the sound of her own swallowing. She pushes forward, because her stomach is on the verge of eating itself up, but she finishes her bowl with tears streaming down her face, and the knowledge that if she doesn't find something to do with her hands, she's going to use them to tear off her ears. Lena looks distraught, she keeps trying to reach out before reconsidering it, her hands hovering between them, yearning to comfort. Ultimately, it's what calms Kara down, because she can't stand the look on Lena's face and she wants to touch her, and to be touched by her.

 

    Which cannot happen if she doesn't get her powers in check.

 

    She focuses on her worried heartbeat, and breathes out slowly, until she feels like she can be gentle enough to reach out for Lena's hand. Lena's hands are often cold, but it doesn't matter as Kara's are always warm, and they balance each other out.

 

    "Sorry," she says forlornly, "things get a bit too much sometimes."

 

    "You don't have to apologise," Lena replies, her voice thick and dejected. "It just seems to be happening a lot."

 

    "My powers are no longer toned down, so I have to remember to keep myself in check, to focus on only one sound, see only one thing."

 

    "Can you hear my heart right now ?" Lena asks gently, "focus on it ?"

 

    "That's what I'm doing," Kara says with a small smile. "It sounds worried."

 

    "That's because it is. It's hard to know you're suffering."

 

    "I'm..."

 

    "But don't you dare apologise for it," Lena cuts quickly. "And don't hold back. If you're not feeling good, let me know, and if I can do something about it, tell me."

 

    "How did you know I was going to apologise ?"

 

    "I guess I know you a little bit," Lena replies, chuckling weakly.

 

    "I guess you do," Kara says, a small smile stretching on her face despite herself.

 

***

 

    They go to bed around midday, tangled up in the sheets, refusing to drift apart from each other. Kara heats up the space with her surnatural body warmth, and for a moment it looks like Lena is considering shedding her pants again before eventually choosing not too. Kara tries to not be disappointed by that.

 

    Lena falls asleep right away, Kara doesn't. She's exhausted, both physically and mentally, yet, she cannot sleep. It's a common occurrence for her, she's learned to live with it. She stays awake for a little while, listening to the world, listening to Lena. She lets the sound of the waves and the wind mix in with her heartbeat. It's soothing.

 

    Lena closed the blinds, but Kara can see around the room with no difficulty. The wall opposite the bed is hidden by a floor to ceiling closet with sliding doors. The doors themselves are covered in faded vintage NASA posters, printed at home on cheap paper. The other wall disappears behind a massive bookshelf on the shelves of which Kara spots all of the origami she gifted Lena. She kept all of them, even the ones that look like they've been chewed by a Yagrum.

 

    One of Lena's poster, an imagined representation of Kepler-16b, pictures two suns, red and yellow, and Kara falls asleep wondering what it would be like for her to live on a planet that has both.

 

    She wakes up to a scream, a cry for help so loud it sounds like it's coming from right next to her. But it's not Lena's. And it's not her own.

 

    It's coming from two towns over, dozens of miles away.

 

_"Help ! SOMEBODY HELP ME."_

 

    Kara is out of bed in less than a second. She throws the hood of Lena's Supergirl sweater over her head and opens the window, ready to launch herself in the sky, ready to help.

 

    Lena's voice stops her. "Kara ?" she asks sleepily, confusion etched on her face. "What are you doing ?"

 

    Kara stops, her feet off the ground already. "Someone needs help. I need to..." _Go ?_ "Oh Rao, I can't do that." She lets herself fall back to the ground, her insides seemingly collapsing on themselves with the weight of what she was about to do. "They would know it's me. And if they find me, they will find you..."

 

_"Leave me alone ! HELP !"_

 

_"Hands up ! Nobody moves !"_

 

_"Hey my bag ! Thief !"_

 

_"Oh my God there's so much blood… Somebody calls 911 !"_

 

    It's like that first cry for help opened Kara's ears to all of the others. She can hear them all, every single plea, every tear rolling down every cheek, every shaky breath, the crack of bones, and the sound of bullets, tires screeching, engines failing, pain, death.

 

    The small part of her that can still spare a thought for Lena and her family is single handedly responsible for holding her into place. The channel of her brain that is still tuned into the heartbeat of the woman next to her is the reason why she isn't halfway across town. She hates herself for the choice she makes. She hates the DEO for having to make a choice in the first place.

 

    She's writhing her hands, forcefully, and it's painful, and she deserves it.

 

    "Kara ? Kara listen to me." Lena’s voice pierces through the veil of everybody’s screams. "You can’t go out there, you know it."

 

    "I can hear all of them. I have to do something Lena." Kara is standing still yet she's out of breath and she doesn't know how she manages to form words. "I need to do something."

 

    "You can’t. If you go out there once, maybe nobody will notice. But you’ll want to do it a second time and a third, and it won’t be safe for you."

 

    "It’s not a question of ‘want’ Lena," Kara says through gritted teeth, her whole body trembling with resentful energy. "I have to do it. Saving people is my purpose. My purpose."

 

    "No it's not. You're not omniscient, you can't be everywhere, you can't save everyone, and right now, I'm sorry, but right now it isn't safe for you to save anyone at all. Saving the world isn't your purpose."

 

    Lena's voice is too measured and too rational and Kara sees red.

 

    She sees red and for a moment she sees a flash of what is supposed to only be a nightmare.

 

    She has to go.

 

    She wriggles out of the Supergirl hoodie. Gets stuck. Sheds it with too much difficulty for a goddamn superhero. And Lena is too close. Way too close.

 

    She runs. Out of the bedroom. Out of the flat. Out of the shop and into the street. She runs fast enough that nobody can sees her.

 

    Fast enough that nobody can follow her.

 

***

 

    Kara barrels straight into the woods, ripping a tree on the way. Maybe it's accidental, maybe it's not.

 

    She swerves off the public path immediately, running further and further into the dark cover of trees. Where nobody can find her. Where nobody will even consider looking for her.

 

    She shoots right through her clearing, leaving a trail of shredded flowers in her wake. It takes her several seconds to realise that she did this, when petals start raining down on her. She stops abruptly, an inch away from a tree, before dashing back the other way, stopping dead in the middle of the flower field. Somehow, she managed to cut a path right in the middle, and the clearing is divided in two part of identical size by a trench of dirt. Kara considers finishing the job, tearing apart what's left of this place. She bends down, ready to rip off the soil, overwhelmed by the need to destroy something.

 

    To destroy something beautiful.

 

    It would be so easy to do so.

 

    She thinks about Eliza then, and it surprises her so much, her Earth mother not being the usual person who invades her mind, that she stops, her fingers already buried in the ground. It's because of the flowers, she reckons, and the way Eliza looks after her garden. The flowers she always selects so carefully, with Kara in mind, so they won't have an overbearing scent.

 

    She falls backward into the dirt, in a way that would probably be painful if she weren't invulnerable. She doesn't even hear the sound of her body making contact with the ground, her ears still caught in the larsen effect of the cries for help. She tunes them out one by one, cutting off voices after voices, scream after scream. It's a terrible thing to do, consciously refusing to listen to those who need help, and she feels like she's being torn in two; between her need to save everyone, and the voice of reason. A voice of reason that sounds like Lena. But she doesn't cry. Somehow, she doesn't think tears are appropriate to express what she's feeling.

 

    Someone else is crying though. Someone she can't tune out. Lena.

 

    She tries to. She tries not to hear her, to focus on literally anything else, the sound of wind in the grass, of an airplane flying way above, but it's Lena that she hears. She's sobbing quietly and it's unnerving, because Kara can't help but think she's trying to be silent so she won't hear her. And she doesn't want Lena to cry because of her. Or about her. Or for her.

 

    Hearing Lena crying makes her angry. Because it reminds her of what she said, of how she was the voice of reason when Kara would have wanted her to agree with her, to be in her corner. The fact that she knows she's being unfair doesn't make it any better.

 

    Hearing Lena crying reminds her of what she saw herself do, of the fact she could have pushed her away, strongly, through walls. It would have been so easy. And she knows, knows it in her heart, that she wouldn't have done it, but it doesn't make it any less disturbing. It's not a thought she wants to have in her head. She feels dizzy, like she's about to pass out, or throw up, as she thinks about all the times in her childhood when she was frustrated with Alex and it made her want to incinerate her. Always just for brief seconds, always as a fleeting thought , but the will to do so existed nonetheless.

 

    And here lies the truth about Kara Zor-El, she doesn't need Red Kryptonite to be a bad person.

 

    Ultimately, this is what opens the flood gate of Kara's eyes ; the fact that no matter how hard she tries, there will always be darkness in her, darkness that she will express the wrong way, darkness that she will turn against the wrong people.

 

    She taints everything she touches.

 

    There is a little voice at the back of her head trying to tell her she's spiraling and she should breathe, but it's not strong enough.

 

    She couldn't kiss the girl she likes without risking to kill her. _And she wants to be with Lena._

 

    She couldn't have a shot at a new family without tearing it apart. _And she misses Jeremiah._

 

    She couldn't be a hero without turning into a villain. _And she was so proud of being Supergirl._

 

    There's a fuming tree in front of her. She doesn't remember using her heat vision.

 

    She considers letting it burn, once again overwhelmed by the need to destroy something. Then she thinks about Lena, and she freezes the fire. The result is beautiful, though she doesn't intend for it to be, though she doesn't want it to be. Ice crystals cling to charred wood, and glisten under the low sun. It isn't unlike a kryptonian sculpture, but this isn't really comforting. She doesn't look at it for too long, afraid that if she stares to hard, it's going to catch on fire again. Instead, she lies on her back, with little care for the dirt staining Lena's clothes, and looks at the sky. It's full of cloudy shapes, of changing forms. Cats. Dogs. Crocodiles. Houses. Misformed humanoids.

 

    And Nightwing. Or maybe a crane.

 

    She follows this one for a while, until it dissolves into another shape. And only when it's gone, does she rise again, setting off to go to Lena.

 

    She doesn't run as fast this time ; still above the humanly visible spectrum of movement, but way below her full speed. She reaches town too soon for her liking, and circles it thrice, before she switches to walking, down the street to Lena's place.

 

    The door is still unlocked from when Kara left hours ago, or was it minutes ? She isn't quite sure. She lets herself in, locking the door behind her ; she knows how much Lena loathes insecurity and doors that aren't everything proof. Krypto is standing guard at the top of the stairs, and for a second, she fears that he isn't going to let her through. But he just nuzzles her sadly and leads the way.

 

    Lena is curled up in an armchair, dressed in her Supergirl hoodie. An untouched cup of tea rests on the coffee table, like she went through the motions of comfort before thinking better of it. Kara clears her throat flimsily, trying to bring attention to her presence. It's no use. Lena doesn't move an inch, and it's clear in her breathing and in the beat of her heart that she already knows Kara is here.

 

    Silence seems to drag on, though probably only a few seconds pass. Eventually, Kara opens her mouth, ready to say something, anything. Lena beats her to it. "Don't ever run off on me again," she says, trying her best to harden her voice. "Ever. I thought the next time I'd see you you’d be dead and on the evening news."

 

    "I'm sorry," Kara replies, forgoing, for now, every attempt to explain herself.

 

    "You better be."

 

    "Would it be okay if we talked ?" Kara asks softly.

 

    "Yeah," Lena replies, finally lifting her head to look at her.

 

    "Not here though. I want to take you somewhere. If that’s okay," Kara says hesitantly. "If you trust me," she adds after a beat.

 

    "I trust you," Lena says without a smile.

 

***

 

    Lena clings to her like a koala, so tight that Kara wouldn't be able to breathe if she weren't the strongest being on this planet. She asked her to climb on her back, which Lena did, albeit hesitantly. But she didn't tell her why, couldn't bring herself to voice her fear of crushing her if she were to carry her in her arms. She takes them through back roads all the way to the woods, running at a lesser pace that when she's alone, to prevent the human's brain from liquefying. Lena has her face buried in the crook of her neck and she can feel her frowning. She tries to be gentle, taking less sharp turn, jumping a little less recklessly ; and when they reach the cover of trees, she slows down to a less sickening pace.

 

    When she stops in the middle of her clearing, Lena doesn't disentangle immediately, she stays glued to Kara's back, taking short rapid breaths, holding on for dear life. "Um, we're here ?" Kara says carefully after a while. "I'm going to set you down if that's okay ?"

 

    She thinks she feels Lena nods and so she softly pries her fingers away from her neck all the while turning so she can gently lower her to the ground. Lena immediately stumbles back into her arms. "Oh God," she growls, "well I can cross that off my bucket list."

 

    "Sorry," Kara says sheepishly.

 

    "Don’t be, it was just a little unexpected," Lena says weakly, "I knew you were fast, but it’s another thing to experience it first hand."

 

    "That wasn’t even my full speed," Kara replies with a cocky smirk that she lets slip inadvertently.

 

    A hint of a smile passes on Lena's pale face ; it's small, but it's enough to boost Kara's confidence, if only a little bit.

 

    "What is this place ?" Lena asks curiously once she's regained her footing. "It's not on any maps."

 

    "You've been looking at maps of the forest ?"

 

    "I was looking for new places to walk Krypto but, um, I have a very poor sense of direction and I didn't want to get lost," Lena replies distractedly, looking around the clearing with a twinkle in her eyes. "Don't you dare leave me stranded out there," she adds on second thoughts with a pointed glare.

 

    "I won't," Kara promises. "And well, this place ? I fell once while running, and I may have done this ? Like full blown crater. And then flowers grew back. I've never taken anyone out there."

 

    "It's beautiful," Lena whispers, bending to get a closer look at a flower. "Wait," she says suddenly, straightening up quickly. "You've never brought anyone here ?"

 

    "Well no I haven't. This is a special place."

 

    "Special..." Lena repeats slowly.

 

    "And you are special to me," Kara says, choosing to walk the path of honesty. "Even if my thoughts tend to get a bit jumbled. Even when I'm mad."

 

    "So you're mad at me ?" Lena asks, wincing. "Because I have to admit I'm a little bit confused."

 

    "I don't know," Kara admits slowly. "Maybe. Or I'm just mad at this entire situation."

 

    "Go on." Lena encourages, lowering herself to a sitting position, choosing the spot with the less flowers so she doesn't crush too many. She tugs on Kara's hand to get her to sit down too, though she knows she isn't nearly strong enough to have any incident on her posture. Kara settles down next to her, not far, but not close enough.

 

    "I suppose I wanted for you to have my back," Kara says, looking straight ahead instead of at Lena. Her frozen tree now seems a lot more interesting. "When I heard all these calls for help, I wanted for you to support me, to tell me to go. And I got a bit mad, because if it weren't for you, I would have gone, because saving people is what I do. And I know it's unfair to be mad at you for this, and that I was about to do something very irresponsible, and that you probably saved my life, again, but everything is fucked up and I needed something tangible to be angry about." She takes a sharp breath, glancing over to Lena who doesn't look back. "Just this morning we were kissing and it was perfect, and then I slipped, and I could have killed you. And if I go out there and the DEO finds me, they will find you and they could kill you too. There is no version of this in which I'm not a dangerous monster."

 

    "I understand where you’re coming from," Lena starts, when Kara stops talking and sighs shakily, "or at least I think I do," she adds after a pause. "But I want you to understand where I'm coming from too, because there's two of us here. At least if you want that, an us."

 

    "I do, I just…"

 

    "… then listen to me," Lena interrupts gently. "I may not have used the right words when I tried to prevent you from going out there. I get the difference between wanting to do something, and needing to do it. And for that, I apologize." She speaks earnestly, and when she says these words, she turns to look at Kara, searching for her eyes, until she can strengthen her words with her gaze. "But I was scared shitless. Because the DEO is ruled by bastards. And if Lillian was up to something shady before, she probably still is now. I know you want, you need, to help, and that hearing these cries was highly traumatic for you, but it isn't safe, and I need you to take care of yourself. I don't want it to be about me. I don't want you to refrain from going out there because you think I'll get hurt. I want you to not do it, because you're putting yourself and your own safety first."

 

    "When I put myself first, horrible things happen."

 

    "Well not this time. This time I'm here, and I care about you too much to let anything bad happen. Maybe I’m being selfish," Lena sighs. "I don't know."

 

    "I'm selfish too. I chose you, over all of these people. And it's scary," Kara admits in a low voice, twisting a blade of grass around her fingers to keep her thoughts clear. "With Alex, I never had to think about it. If she was in danger, I would usually save her and everyone else in one go because she was involved in the crazyness. But you, you I'd choose over everyone else, you, I'd save before anyone else. And I don't know what to make of this."

 

    "You don’t have to know yet. You can give yourself time to think about it. We can give ourselves time. Just because you have superspeed doesn't mean that everything has to move that fast all the time. I’d choose you over everyone else too, and it may not have the same implications, but it’s something big for me." Lena reaches out over the patch of grass that separates them, slowly, to give Kara time to refuse, and she takes her hand. "There is one thing I don't want though, and it's for us to fall into something unhealthy. I don't want a push and pull. I don't want you to kiss me and then push me away. I want you to tell me when things are not okay for you so we can work through them together. If what I want is not something that you want, or if it's not something you think you're capable of, I want you to tell me. I'd rather we be just friends, than to see ourselves destroyed."

 

    "And what do you want ?" Kara asks hesitantly.

 

    "I want to be with you," Lena states simply. "I have for a while now. Is that something you’d want too ?"

 

    "I. Yes."

 

    There is a hint of hesitancy there, and Lena doesn't miss the way Kara stumbles over the word, doesn't miss the way her breath catches in her throat. "Are you sure ?"

 

    "Yes," Kara says more firmly. "I mean, I’m scared. But you’re worth it. And I'll work on my shit so I can be worth it too."

 

    "You're already worth it Kara. I want you to remember that. To me, you are worth it. Or I wouldn't have let you take me to the middle of nowhere to process our feelings. And feelings don't make you unworthy, they don't make anyone unworthy. We just have to learn how to deal with them."

 

    What Lena said is true, and wise, and Kara can see the point of all of this ; she also knows that the moment she'll start spiraling again, it will be like they never had this conversation. "I might need the reminder from time to time," she says, though this is something she never thought she would confess.

 

    "We can both remind each other of that. I might need it too," Lena says honestly. She lets her words hang in the air between them, and her admission of weakness settles next to Kara's in a strangely comforting way. "How is your strength right now ?" she adds after a while.

 

    Kara takes a moment to answer, checking each of her limbs to make sure she’s not going to push Lena through the ground if she so much as try to ouch her. "It’s manageable," she says once she’s sure the risk is minimum.

 

    "Okay," Lena replies, shuffling closer until she can rest her head on her shoulder with a little sigh. "I know a lot of things suck right now, but I really like you," she whispers, so low that Kara isn’t sure she’s supposed to have heard her words.

 

    "I really like you too," she says back quietly, but still distinctly enough that Lena can hear her. "I really like you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My relationship with this chapter goes like this : I hated it. I loved it. I hated it. And right before I posted it I loved it again which is also why I posted it now (before I could hate it again ^^I think I just need to stop reading writing advice, it makes me feel insecure)) Anyway I'm confused, Kara is confused, whatever.
> 
> Fun facts : I had never ever written anything like this first scene. I wrote it half asleep, before going to bed ^^ The thing I see the most when I look at clouds are indeed crocodiles. What does that say about me ? I'm not sure I want to know.
> 
> A Yagrum is some sort of kryptonian giant cat.
> 
> You should totally check out the NASA posters, they're freaking amazing !


	23. Let the devil take tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had zero motivation to edit this so I deeply apologize beforehand if there are still typo hiding in this. 
> 
> Also, you may have noticed that I added an end to the chapters count, indeed, if I don't get side tracked and stick to my current outline, this story should end around chapter 28 (not sooner but maybe at 29 if stuff happens). BUT, I plan on adding a bonus chapter in the future with extra content AND I'm curently working on a new fic, I started a rough outline (meaning I got as far as "edgy love story with a side of murder") and wrote the first scene during my lunch break (then proceeded to kick myself for starting something else before I finish this one (then congratulated myself because I really like my new idea ^^))
> 
> Before I let you go on with your reading, I'd like to warn you that this chapter is nice and that you should really concider enjoying it before I bring you to hell for the remainder of the story :)
> 
> Title for this chapter is from "Kiss of fire" by Georgia Gibbs

    Kara wakes up with a comfortable weight on top of her and nothing underneath her. The second part though, she only realises when she rolls over and the weight starts shouting and clinging to her torso with a death grip. "Oh God ! We’re sleep flying. Everything is normal. Don’t panic Lena. Don’t panic. Everything is normal."  
  
    "Lena ?" Kara asks sleepily, finally clued in to the person attached to her body.  
  
    "Do you think you could lower us to the nearest soft surface ? Gently ?"  
  
    "The bed isn’t that far you know ?" Kara says, chuckling, but still smoothly floating down to the bed. "You wouldn’t get hurt if you happened to fall."  
  
    "I was surprised !" Lena shouts, slightly offended by Kara's amusement. "How many more unexpected things do I have to expect from you ?"  
  
    "How serious about this question are you ?" Kara deadpans, "Because sometimes I don’t wear socks in my shoes but I’m not sure this is what you’re asking ?"  
  
    "Kara this is gross !" Lena says, darting away from her with some difficulty ; as it's quite difficult to get away from someone you're attached to, and she still has her arms wrapped around Kara.  
  
    "Well I also don’t sweat so really it’s not that big of a deal."  
  
    "That’s a weird thing to know about you," Lena says with a frown that makes Kara want to kiss her cute sleepy face.  
  
    "Well," Kara says, "you asked. Now, tell me something weird about you."  
  
    "Um." Lena’s face scrunches up again, this time in concentration. "I used to collect ugly pebbles."  
  
    "Ugly pebbles ?" Kara repeats, slightly disconcerted.  
  
    "Yeah, ugly pebbles. Not the shinny smooth ones. The dull ones, with harsh edges, that nobody would ever pick up on the beach. They must still be in a box somewhere, maybe in Metropolis."  
  
    "It's not weird. It's cute. And maybe a bit sad."  
  
    "It’s weird Kara."  
  
    "Okay," Kara concedes, "it’s kinda weird."  
  
    "Thanks you validating my weirdness," Lena says with a triumphant smile.  
  
    She looks dazzling, in the soft glow of the morning sun permeating Kara's bedroom. She's wearing one of Kara's track shirt, to big for her frame, and there's just something about knowing that she's got Danvers written in bold letters on her back.  
      
    "Rao… I really want to kiss you."  
  
    "Do it then," Lena whispers back.  
  
    Kara spares a second to check her strength then dives in slowly, then not slowly at all. Their teeth clash and they separate for a short instant, chuckling, before Lena covers the distance again. They grow a little bit bolder then, as Lena slides her hand under her shirt, settling on her abs, and Kara herself carefully puts her hand on Lena's soft hip. A ray of sunshine hits her face from the badly closed curtains, but she feels like the sunlight radiates from Lena herself.  
  
***  
  
    Seeing, Pamela, Dolly's mum, is a shock, and Kara doesn't think it's because she hasn't seen her in roughly ten years. She's turned into a shadow of the energetic woman she used to be. Her dark skin is now pallid, her formerly bushy hair have lost all shape, and her eyes are sunken in her face, weighted by dark circles. She moves slowly, almost precautiously, with a heat pack on her stomach. She greets Lena like more than a doctor, and Kara like an old friend, a spark of life briefly returning to her muddy brown eyes. Kara carries her down the stairs with an infinite gentleness, before she deposits her on a gurney that Lena somehow had lying around. There's no need to ask why she has one of these ; Lena seemingly has all sort of supplies at the ready, she could probably withstand a nuclear winter in her laboratory. She's waiting for them in her pristine labcoat with a stethoscope around her neck ; again, Kara doesn't ask questions, just smiles fondly and pecks her on the cheek. They set off in direction of the lab, with Kara opening the way, Lena wheeling the gurney as best as she can to avoid bumps and Dolly walking along side it. She doesn't let go of her mum's hand the whole way there.  
  
    Kara unlocks the door a bit less eagerly than she usually does. She is confident in their serum, they tested it several more times, but using it to save an actual human being is another thing entirely. Since they called Dolly, she's had trouble with keeping her head clear of dozens of catastrophic scenarios. She talked it out with Lena though, and they made a list of every possible outcome with matching procedures to make sure they would be able to react accordingly. As she leads everybody inside the lab, she lists every single one of them, she knows them by heart by know. Lena squeezes her shoulder as she goes past her and she can't help but admire how composed she looks when she knows all about the mayhem going on inside of her. Lena is just as stressed as she is, and the reminder of their shared fear somehow makes her feel more confident ; they're in this together.  
  
    Pamela is wheeled under the brightest lamp of the lab, in the same spot where the chair that hosted Kara's kryptonite intervention used to be. Kara makes a mental note of asking Lena where she stores all of these things ; but at this point she wouldn't be surprised if she had a secret lab inside of her already secret lab. Pamela puts on a brave face as Lena hooks her up to various monitoring device, but it doesn't take much for Kara to notice how much pain she's in, and how scared she feels. She tunes into Lena's heartbeat to prevent herself from hearing what Dolly and her mum are talking about, but she still catches quiet words of reassurance.  
  
    Lena goes through the motions of prepping Pamela for the intervention, carefully sanitising the patch of skin that will be in contact with the instruments ; they're made of Nth metal, which is naturally anti-bacterial, but better safe than sorry, as Lena already said three times, the only outside hint of her inner turmoil. The more Lena progresses in the preparations, the paler Dolly looks, like she's trying to match her mum's sick complexion ; Kara hears the bones shifting inside of the woman's hand with how hard she's squeezing it.  
  
    Like she did with Kara and Alex, Lena takes the time to walk Pamela through the procedure, explaining the role of every instrument and detailing the action of the serum. Kara wonders if the lilt of Lena's voice is as calming to others as it is to her. She's never liked anybody's voice more than she likes Lena's, never been comforted by a voice more than by this one. There is something about her unique cadenza, the way her tongue stumbles on certain words, and her accent wraps around others, that is music to Kara's ears. She doesn't want to spend another day of her life without hearing it.  
  
    Dolly is getting restless, her mum has been off pain medication for more than twelve hours now, because they didn't have the time to test for any harmful interaction, and it's clear she doesn't like seeing her hurting. Kara can see the gears turning inside her heads, it's obvious that she wants to say something, to ask if they can do something for her mother's pain ; and just as she hesitantly open her mouth, Lena hands Kara a syringe full of serum.  
  
    "We're ready."  
  
    Dolly relaxes for a quarter of a second before tensing again, and when she takes a step back, as instructed by Lena, she quakes, like she's fighting against her better instincts. Pamela smiles reassuringly, and squeezes her hand one last time before letting go and turning to Lena, nodding when her words come out too weak and jumbled to make much sense. Kara adjusts her grip on the syringe, and before launching the procedure she looks at Dolly one last time. She shudders involuntarily and can't help but remember the last time she saw the strong figure of her friend so frail, and defeated. It was at Jen's funeral, and she was wearing a black suit instead of white sanitary scrubs, but her face looked just the same. Before Kara plunges the syringe right in the middle of the cross Lena drew on Pamela's stomach, she sends a silent prayer to Rao.  
  
    Kara pushes the serum in slowly, carefully, watching as the syringe empties of its content and the veins of Pamela's stomach turn black. It's not a reassuring sight, but it was expected, considering that humans don't benefit from the same fur as rat to hide it. She can't help but shudder when she realises that technically, this is their first human test. She wishes it weren't on the mother of one of her most loyal friend.  
  
    Despite Kara's gentleness, Pamela still winces, it's probably because of the lack of painkillers, but Kara's hands still tremble and she fears that she hurt her. She's glad at least that she didn't push to hard and went straight through.  
  
    Pamela's eyes turn black, and this time, Kara can't hold back her panicky thoughts. They shouldn't have done that. They shouldn't have used the serum on her without testing it a hundred more times. Lena however, doesn't seem more alarmed than that. She makes a vocal note, and moves on. Kara realises for the first time that she has an inbuilt recorder in her lab, but she doesn't have time to be impressed by it. She shakes herself out of it to focus on the task at hand, activating her x-ray vision to follow the path of the serum in Pamela's body. When Lena pitched it, she was a bit unsure about this particular part of the procedure, fearful of her lack of control over her powers. Ultimately, it's the lack of time, and the absence of a human scaled x-ray machine in the lab that convinced her. That, and Lena's unwavering trust in her. She practiced and practiced and practiced, and when Lena smiles at her reassuringly, breaking out of her focused scientist persona, she's ready.  
  
    What she sees is encouraging for the rest of the procedure, the serum acts in a human body the exact same way it acted in the rats. Kara follows the path of the serum, making sure it deploys correctly. They don't need to draw blood to witness its action, Pamela's tumor is so big that Kara has no problem spotting it. The way it shrivels under the effect of the serum would be fascinating if it weren't also creepy. Once it's nearly gone, Lena draws some blood to follow more closely the interaction between the cells and the serum, they need to time the extraction perfectly. Her heart starts beating a bit faster in anticipation, skipping a beat when she fears that she let the serum go to far. Kara takes over then, gently pushing her away from the microscope so she can manage the extractor instead. There is hesitancy in her steps, but Kara shoots her a reassuring smile, hoping it will have the same effect than it did on her, and when she receives the signal that it's time, she pushes the gun against the      faded cross adorning Pamela's stomach.  
  
    Pamela shouts in pain when Lena pulls the trigger, her back arches away from the gurney, her body trying to follow the serum. Dolly starts forward, forgoing protocol and forgetting her lack of knowledge when it comes to this situation. Kara is fast and strong enough to keep her at bay ; what's difficult is having to witness her friend breaking, crumbling under the fear of losing her mother. With one hand, she keeps Dolly at a distance, and with the other, she pushes Pamela back on the gurney, holding her down to prevent injury. Dolly goes slack against her, and Kara can feel her trembling, like her legs are ready to give way. Lena keeps her hold on the gun, doesn't move until there is not a drop of serum left in the body.  
  
    Everything is eerily still. Lena doesn't breathe and Kara unconsciously matches her absence of breathing. Dolly is no longer fighting to get closer. Pamela doesn't move, the heart monitor steadily beeping is the only indication that she's still alive. Slowly though, she opens her eyes, and they are no longer pitch black, instead, their brown chocolate colour seems to shine with something new, something healthy. Kara scans her body. Once. Then twice. There is no trace of the tumor. And the artery that was the cause of her doctor's worry is left intact. Kara wants to laugh. And the sudden sound filling the room makes her realise she actually is. Of relief. Of happiness. Dolly's mum is going to be okay.  
  
    She lets mother and daughter reunite as Lena releases a relieved sight before rattling a list of necessary follow up exams that nobody is really listening to. Kara rounds the gurney and lifts Lena off the ground, squeezing her reasonably. She squeals adorably and returns the hug eagerly. Her feet waddle off the ground, and Kara's do too. They're floating. Pamela notices. Of course she does. She's known all along.  
  
    "We should celebrate," Kara says, still not letting go of Lena.  
  
    "We should," Lena agrees; chuckling at Kara enthusiasm. "I think I have champagne somewhere."  
  
    "Go on a date with me," Kara says exhilarated. "Go on a date with me," she repeats with a little more seriousness, putting Lena back on the ground.  
  
    "Okay," Lena replies with an easy smile, happiness glimmering in her eyes.  
  
    Someone hollers behind them and Kara spins around, expecting to find Dolly making fun of her ; but it's Pamela who is sporting a shameless grin.  
  
***  
  
    Kara doesn't ask how Lena managed to rent out the diner, she has an inkling she gave Pamela enough money to cover potential medical expenses and the entire revenue of the restaurant for a year. Kara first suggested a picnic, but as if on cue, it's been raining non-stop and they've been cooped up inside for the better part of the last few days.  
  
    Though their place of rendez-vous is less than two minutes away from Lena's flat, Kara still insists on picking her up properly. She brings flowers, hand-picked from both her clearing and Eliza's garden and linger at the top of the stairs, knocking on the wall to make her presence known without barging in into the flat uninvited. She grows restless as she waits for Lena to come into view.  
  
    Krypto rounds the corner first, wagging his tail happily. Lena's foot follows, and then a leg ; and Kara's brain grinds to a halt, she's wearing heels, an unprecedented event in all of their encounters, and something that Kara definitely doesn't know how to process. Her entire body appears next and Kara knows she should say something but words elude her and all she can do is wordlessly stretch the arm that carry the flowers. Flannels, ripped jeans, soft sweaters, high heels, and dresses ; Lena does it all. The dress she’s wearing is of a dark green colour that by contrast makes her pale skin glow. The bodice clings to her torso, leaving her arms uncovered, the skirt flares around her legs, ending an inch above her knees. Kara doesn't know what she expected, especially considering that she also brought out fancier clothes than usual, going as far as borrowing one of Jeremiah's old tie, but it was definitely not that.  
  
    Lena goes to say hello, her mouth opens, but no word comes out. She stays there for infinite seconds, opening and closing her mouth before finally, a strangled "Hi" comes out.  
  
    The word echoes in Kara, and she mimics it as her own salutation. "Hi." Somehow, it sounds even more crooked than Lena's.  
  
    Lena reaches out to take the flowers from her and Kara has to resist the urge to fidget with her tie to occupy her now free hands. Lena brings the flowers to her face, half admiring them, half hiding, and turns away to look for a vase. It's only when she's already halfway to the kitchen that Kara manages to blurt out "You look beautiful."  
  
    Lena stops mid step and turns around again, flowers still in hand, a blush spreading on her cheek. "Thank you," she says shyly, "you look rather handsome yourself."  
  
    Kara feels warmth coating her face, no doubt a sign of her own blushing, and she glances down, scratching her neck sheepishly. She's wearing brown leather shoes, survivors of her stunt in National City, and dark blue fitted slacks in which she's tucked her light blue shirt. Alex told her to go for blue ; blue is always her colour. She catches Lena following the movement of her arms and just knows rolling up her sleeves was a good choice.  
  
    "Shall we go ?" she asks, nodding towards the stairs.  
  
    "Yes, let's," Lena answers with a teasing smirk that soon turns into a full blown grin.  
  
    Kara holds her hand out wordlessly, but with a hopeful smile and when Lena takes it, the giddiness that overtakes her is on par with one of a teenager on their first date ; except that dates weren't exactly on the table for teenage Kara. Actually, now that she thinks about it, going on a first date at the diner of her teenagehood town is a nice plot twist.  
  
    Dolly opens the door for them and she's wearing a tuxedo which is both utterly ridiculous and absolutely amazing. She welcomes them with a grandiloquent flourish of the hand, and Kara appreciates the investment she has in her dating life but right now, all she really cares about is Lena.  
  
    They sit at their usual table, the one by the window, that usually receives the most light. Actual sun isn’t on the menu today, the sky still looming and grey ; but it’s okay, because Kara’s got her personal sun right next to her. She makes a show of pulling out Lena’s chair for her and helps her out of the jacket she insisted on wearing for their two minutes walk outside.  
  
    "Gentleman much ?" Lena asks, smirking to counteract her increasingly blushed cheeks.  
  
    "Just trying to treat you right," Kara fires back with a smile before freezing. "Wait, is this overbearing and unnecessary toxic masculinity ?" It's been a while since Kara went on a date, much less on a date with a woman. And she's never been on a date with anyone as amazing as Lena. She feels a bit ridiculous still, because it's Lena ; she knows her and is usually comfortable around her.  
  
    Though maybe that's why she's trying so hard, because it is Lena.  
  
    "Relax, I'm just teasing," Lena says confidently, though her cheeks are still pleasantly flushed. "Just be yourself, that’s who I like." She smiles softly, and Kara can feel her own face stretching in response. "And it's not overbearing, it's quite nice actually."  
  
    As they often do around Lena, words elude her ; and Kara hopes that her hand reaching out for Lena's, their fingers entangling lightly, is enough of an answer. The diner is quiet, thanks to them being its only patrons, and it's easy for Kara to relax, to just be around Lena. They settle into an effortless conversation, not derailing much from their usual topics, and Kara finds out that dating Lena is as easy as being her friend, the only notable difference being that she can kiss off her cute food mustache. She does it just then, as Lena sports a fleck of organic ketchup on her upper lips. She confidently leans over the table, and kisses her. It's a simple gesture, but it's one she never performed before, and it fills her with immense joy.  
  
    There are a great deal of things that are amazing when it comes to Lena. The fact that Kara's appetite doesn't disgust her is one ; her unquenchable curiosity is another. "I have to ask," she starts after witnessing Kara eating twelve burgers in a row when she herself is still meticulously cutting small bites out of her own. "How much of that is needed, and how much is gluttony ?"  
  
    Kara laughs, and chokes in a rather unattractive way ; but Lena looks at her like she's hung the stars and moon and it almost makes her forget to answer. "All of that is needed," she says when she's regained enough composure to string a coherent sentence. "If I order six more thought, that will be gluttony."  
  
    "Have you ever thought about taking supplements ?" Lena asks with no malice, only genuine curiosity.  
  
    "Eliza used to bake me protein bar in high school," Kara answers after swallowing an impressive bite. "But honestly, I just really like food. Food is awesome."  
  
    Lena laughs at that, unrestrained, and she looks like Rao has put all of the stars in her smile. "What’s your favourite dish ?"  
  
    "Oh. Well, Kvornish. But you don’t have extrasensory spices on this planet so it never tastes quite right. You can make it with all kinds of meats, but I like it better with pork." Kara answers thoughtfully. "I also like pecan pie," she adds, fearing that she killed the mood by mentioning a meal from her dead planet.  
  
    Lena however isn't fazed one bit, she jumps on Kara's words, a thousand questions on the tip of her tongue. "Extrasensory spices ?"  
  
    "Yeah. Like spices that would make you feel things in addition to just tasting great. We had a huge variety of them. Some would make you feel tingly. Some others would make you see colours. Some had multiple delayed tastes."  
  
    "Sounds like drug to me," Lena says with a mischievous smile.  
  
    "Alex said the exact same things."  
  
    "How does that saying goes again ? Great minds think alike ?"  
  
    "Yeah but fools seldom differ."  
  
    "How dare you !" Lena shouts, not the slightest bit offended. "Seriously though, this sounds amazing."  
  
    "It was. Um, my favourite one tasted a bit like Earth cinnamon, but sharper. I could feel it all the way to my toes."  
  
    "Sounds like we're getting cinnamon rolls for dessert." Lena accompanies her sentence with a hesitant smile, like she's afraid of stepping over a line, but also wants to share things with her. It makes Kara feel warm and tingly in a way Krypton's spices never did. Lena makes her feel a lot like that, cared for, and wanted. Cared for like she was on Krypton by those who loved her. Wanted, like she doesn't remember having been in a long time.  
  
    "Oh that we are," she says joyfully. "I want twelve."  
  
    Lena laughs at that ; it’s the most beautiful sound.  
  
    They order thirteen cinnamon rolls, eleven for Kara and two for Lena. Kara can't help but point out the prime numbers before remembering that this is a weird thing for a human to do. Amazingly, Lena just starts asking question about their application in Krypton's science, and before long, she's taking notes on a napkin with a pen she was hiding in her bra. It’s the best date Kara has ever been on.  
  
    Later, when they've been at the diner long enough to not really know how long it's been, the sun finally pierces through the thick cover of clouds, basking everything in a damp yellow light. Their after-lunch tea cups are empty and dry and there's a tea stain on the table, from when Lena nearly spilled over her cup reaching to kiss Kara mid-laugh. They are still talking. They've switched over to the topic of college, and dating in college. Lena's look of jealousy when Kara mentions Lucy Lane stirs something deep in her belly.  
  
    Lena suggests they pick Krypto up and go for a walk, and Kara agrees, not wanting to go home yet, not wanting the day to be over, not so soon, not ever. They walk side by side, their hands laced between their bodies, and it's both new and exciting and the most natural thing in the world. Kara's hand is slightly bigger but it still is a perfect fit for Lena’s ; like two wonky pieces of a puzzle that make a flawless pattern when united.  
  
    The sand is wet from the recent rain ; and when Lena grumbles about how dirty Krypto is going to be, Kara can't help but laugh teasingly. Lena huffs, feigning offense and Kara asks for forgiveness with a kiss. Krypto chooses this moment to run off into seaweed but they don’t notice, too busy tasting the sea mist on each others mouths. Lena runs her cinnamon tongue over her lower lips and Kara forgets where they are entirely.  
  
    They walk up and down the entire length of the beach, with their shoes off because Lena’s are impractical and Kara is being supportive. Lena talks about the cliffs of Ireland, their peculiar smell, the bite of the wind. She shudders, and Kara knows it's not from the cold.  
  
    They wander until the sun starts to set behind the clouds and it gets too dark for human eyes. Kara retrieves a sand coated Krypto and they regretfully start making their way back to Lena's.  
      
    They reach the shop much too quickly, and though Kara knows she’ll be able to relive the day by talking about it with Alex, and she will see Lena again tomorrow, she’s still disappointed when they stop in front of the door.  
  
    "So, that’s me," Lena sighs, "want to come up for a bit ?" she adds with something akin to hope in her voice.  
  
    "I would," Kara replies, "but this is our first date. This wouldn’t be very much gentleman-like."  
  
    "Our lives are anything but traditional."  
  
    "You make a good point."  
  
    "Will you come up then ? I’m not ready to say goodbye for the night." She finishes her sentence standing much closer to Kara than when she started it, their faces not even an inch away from each other. She’s put her heels back on and they more than make up for their slight height difference. She's playing with the hem of Kara's tie, waiting for an answer ; and Kara is about to say that yes, she will come up, when Lena just tugs on the garment and she tumbles forward, onto her lips. This is only the first of their goodnight kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No socks in shoes, collecting ugly peebles, please don't ask, I have no idea how these words happened ^^
> 
> Kvornish is a kryptonian dish mentionned in Supergirl Rebirth, Reign of the Cyborg Supermen. As for the extrasensory spices, they're a passing comment from the same book, and then I turned them into drugs ^^
> 
> I read one (1) book in which the main character was really into prime numbers and now I'm obsessed with them. Please someone rescues me from constantly modelling my life after fictional characters ><


	24. A bridge in a hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Double update today so make sure you read this chapter first !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Crash & Burn" by Framing Hanley.
> 
> You may have noticed that I removed the end count for the chapters, as you can guess, I got side tracked and with the heat wave, my brain can't even do basic math anymore so I'm not sure if I'm at +1 or +2 of what I had decided ^^  
> But hey, more to read !
> 
> This chapter is a double, it was supposed to be the longest I had ever written but I ultimately decided to post the last part separately (hence the double update) because it looked better that way (though now I'm doubting myself again so ^^)

    "So, I'm really glad that you had a nice day, but I really don't need to hear all about Lena Kieran Luthor's extraordinary kissing abilities," Alex says grimacing. "I'm happy for you though."  
  
    "Sorry, I kinda got carried away," Kara apologizes, though her unrestrained smile makes it hard to form words.  
  
    "Oh I get why you would," Alex chuckles, "What ?" she adds at Kara's offended face, "I have eyes you know."  
  
    "I appreciate that you find Lena beautiful, but gross Alex, gross."  
  
    Kara doesn’t even find it gross, it’s not even remotely disturbing, because Alex has never joked about something like this, ever. Before Maggie it was out of the question, when she was with Maggie, she only had eyes for her, and after, well after, Kara was afraid it would never happen. So even if it’s Lena that Alex is suggestively teasing her about, Kara is happy.  
  
    "What's gross is my little sister telling me all about her make out sessions with her hot girlfriend."  
  
    "Not my girlfriend," Kara mutters, deflating a bit.  
  
    "Oh," Alex says, "sorry, I shouldn't have assumed."  
  
    "It's okay," Kara sighs. "We just haven't had that talk yet."  
  
    "Well, do you want to have that talk ?"  
  
    "Yeah," Kara replies hesitantly.  
  
    "Then what's stopping you from having it ? Because it sounds like there's something stopping you."  
  
    "I," Kara starts choking on her words. There's a sudden rock blocking her throat and it's hard to get her words around it. She can't help but bitterly notice how she once again fell from absolute bliss to mild despair. There's a nagging voice at the back of head telling her she ought to get angry about it ; but she fights it back, and keeps her disappointment to sadness level. "It's just, we talk a lot, and she's very understanding. But I'm still a dangerous person to be with."  
  
    "She knows who you are," Alex says like it’s the most obvious fact in the world. "And isn't a conversation like that just a formality at this point ? I mean you practically live there half the time and you adopted weird flying rats together. The next logical step is more marriage than girlfriends."  
  
    "Alex be serious please," Kara says weakly.  
  
    "Alright I'm sorry, that wasn't cool of me."  
  
    Kara sighs, looking down at her fidgeting hands. "It's okay."  
  
    "Is there anything I could tell you to make you understand that you're not as dangerous as you think you are ?"  
  
    "I literally am the strongest person on this planet. And everybody knows what happens when I loose control. I am dangerous Alex. The other day I kissed her and I slipped, I could have killed her. I don’t, I don’t even want to think about going any further than kissing."  
  
    "You used to have a good hang on your powers," Alex states gently.  
  
    "Yeah ? Well I don't anymore," Kara bites back, a sharpness in her words that sounds like anger, even if she doesn't want it to be.  
  
    "That's not what I'm trying to say," Alex continues tentatively. "I just think that this could be an after effect of Kryptonite poisoning. Or something relating to your depression. Less control over your mind could mean less control over your body."  
  
    "I'd never thought about it that way," Kara admits, so surprised by Alex's reasoning that for a moment, she forgets to be angry about it.  
  
    "I've done a lot of reading. Online mostly. And well, the studies are a 100% about humans but I feel like some stuff could be applicable to you." She stops to take a sip of coffee, giving Kara time to interrupt her if she doesn't want to talk about it. When she doesn't, she continues. "You know how people with anxiety tend to experience pretty bad sensory overload ? And how executive dysfunction can keep people from doing something as basic as making a cup of tea ? Maybe depression triggered an alien equivalent and you can't take the steps to control your powers. Even though before, these steps were easy."  
  
    "I'd rather it be Kryptonite poisoning," Kara says, bitterness permeating her tone.  
  
    "Depression isn't something to be ashamed of Kara."  
  
    "Isn't it though ?" Kara asks, her voice leaning towards frustration again. "If all of this is just in my head ? If I can't control my powers just because I'm depressed ?"  
  
    "I'm not a therapist," Alex replies, trying to keep her defeat out of her voice. "And I'm still not over Haley not allowing you to see one. But I'm pretty sure that just because it's happening in your head doesn't make it any less important. And it doesn't mean you can't do something about it. You managed to get a hold on your powers once, I know that you can do it again."  
  
    "And if I can't ?"  
  
    "Then we'll find a solution. We always do."  
  
    "Everybody's got faith in me," Kara sneers, "sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who don't."  
  
    "Which is fine, for now, as long as you let us believe in you," Alex says gently. "And Lena is not stupid, she knows you're not all sunshine and rainbows. But let her trust you. You'll get a hang on things again eventually. In the mean time you just need to let us be there for you. "  
  
    "I don’t want you to be weighted down by my own burden," Kara says, her voice rising and rising with each words. "I don’t want you to have to carry the fact that I leave a trail of broken things wherever I go. I don’t want you to have to deal with the fact that I go mad when I hear people calling for help but can’t do anything about it. This is my own shit."  
  
    Beside her, Alex inhales sharply. "You hear people calling for help ?" she says, weakly repeating Kara’s words. "Why didn’t you tell me ?"  
  
    "Because I knew you’d make that face where you look like your heart is breaking. And I didn’t want that."  
  
    "Of course my heart breaks when you tell me stuff like that Kara ! You’re my sister ! They, I can’t, I just, God I’m so mad ! I could burn the DEO to the ground."  
  
    "I also didn’t tell you because I knew you’d say that. And you can’t waste your time and energy on such reckless thoughts. When you say things like that I’m afraid you’re actually going to do them, and I don’t want that, I need you to be safe."  
  
    "And I need you to be happy." Alex has this look, the one that is scarier than heat vision ; and Kara knows, without needing any verbal confirmation, that only distance is saving Colonel Haley from taking a bullet to the head, after having every single bone in her body broken.  
  
    "Well if I decide to believe what you told me, I’ll get there eventually, right ?" Kara asks feebly, more so to appease her sister than because she really believes it.  
  
    "You will," Alex replies, the tiniest of smiles breaking through the furor on her face. She reaches out and takes her hand, squeezing lightly and tugging to ask silently if Kara would be okay with a hug. Kara accepts the embrace, and squeezes her sister in her arms as confidently as she can. Alex squeezes back as hard as humanly possible. "God this is so fucked up," she whispers against her sister’s shoulder, "this is so fucked up." Kara doesn’t reply, only nods and runs her hands up and down her back. Alex mirrors the gesture, and they stay like that for a long time, melting into the familiarity of the other. In Kara's head, a little voice that sounds suspiciously like Lena's tells her that this is what she needs, talking to people instead of just keeping things to herself ; she doesn’t silence it.  
  
***  
  
    Lena looks fierce ; there is no other word to describe her right now. She's standing in Sam's living room, towering over them, in a crisp white shirt, black, probably tailored, pants, and black shoes, shinier than Earth’s future. For a moment, Kara can reconcile the conflicting images of her Lena and the CFO of Luthor Corp.  
  
    Her laptop is hooked to the flat TV behind her, a generic screensaver bouncing around on both screens. She looks all business and no play, and though it's very, enticing, when she told them she had something to show them, Kara was not expecting a full reunion akin to a board meeting completed with a power point presentation. The fact that the other members of this improvised committee are sitting around the dinner table, and not lounging on the couch like they usually do, does nothing to dissolve the weird tense feeling clogging the room. Sam is the one who looks the most uncomfortable, but Kara as an inkling that it as nothing to do with the set up of their meeting. She keeps shifting her head from side to side like she's trying to get rid of tinnitus, and earlier, when she was tapping a rhythm on the wooden table, cracks appeared.  
  
    Lena opens her mouth and Kara already knows what she's about to say ; because she already said it three times since they all arrived. "I apologize about the formality of this reunion, I'm just really nervous." She makes a sound between a chuckle and a strangled squeak and resumes to her business persona, straightening her back. "I've been continuously looking at the files Alex retrieved from the DEO, and I found a few things that might interest you." She turns to the screen, shaking a small remote a few times before giving up and switching the slides on her laptop instead. "I need to build something more practical," she mutters grumpily.  
  
    Lena would have a field day with kryptonian technology. Kara doesn't even need to concentrate to picture in kryptonian robes, her figuring out one of her home planet's computer, she'd probably get the 3D projection feature instantly and go straight to configuring hologram updates. And she would never have to fight with a defective remote ever again. If Kara still had access to her mother's hologram, it would be so easy to copy and adapt the technology. Her chest constricts uncomfortably at this thought. Access to her heritage is another thing she lost in her RedK descent.  
  
    Lena must have noticed that she spiraled away from the current topic because she paused between two slides and is eying her with evident concern. Kara shakes her head slightly, demoting her thoughts to later examination. She brings her full attention back to Lena, but her chest still hurts, knowing that she can't tell her mum about the wonderful woman standing in front of her.  
  
    "I got stuck around the same point you did," Lena says, picking up her discourse where she interrupted it. "So I went back and went through the files again, and again. And you were right Alex, these weapons do look like Luthor Corp had a baby with an alien. But it’s not enough. You could find a weapon with the logo stamped on it and my mother would still manage to get away with it." She stops, probably more for dramatics than because she really needs to collect her thoughts. "What do you know about Cadmus ?"  
  
    Alex chokes on nothing but air and Kara’s hands nearly go through the table. "Cadmus ?" they ask crookedly at the same time.  
  
    "Cadmus," Lena confirms, her powerful stance faltering a little at their reactions.  
  
    "It used to be a branch of the DEO tasked with experimenting on aliens. J'onn shut it down after Jeremiah died working on one of their mission." Alex as yet to regain her composure so Kara is the one who answers, receiving a grateful look in exchange. "But that was a long time ago, Cadmus hasn’t been involved in anything in more than ten years."  
  
    "But when it was still in operation, my parents were doing business with Cadmus. Lucrative business." Lena changes the slide to receipts with numbers so high they make Kara's head turn. "I stumbled on these after Lex appointed me CFO. It was official business, so they didn’t thought they’d need to cover the paper trail. I made copies just in case, stored them on my highly secured cloud, and moved on to more pressing matters."  
  
    Alex nods at that, silently appreciating Lena’s efficiency. This Danvers seal of approval would make Kara happy, and warm, if she weren't so disturbed by what Lena is telling them. She can't take her eyes of the slide, the numbers almost swimming with how hard she's staring at them. There are receipts for mutual exchange of information, but also and mostly for weaponry, weaponry specifically made to target alien biology. Darts to pierce invulnerable skin, sonic bombs, a virus to turn non human into stone. Bile rises at the back of her throat and she knows she needs to calm down but she just can’t.  
  
    Her vision darkens suddenly, and her chair shoots back from under her, she’s standing and she doesn’t remember doing that.  
  
    "I'm not hurting you, am I ?" Sam’s voice makes her realise that it’s a hand obscuring her vision. "I’ve been having trouble with my powers lately so I maybe shouldn’t have done that but your eyes were glowing and you were about to incinerate my TV. Ruby wouldn’t have been very happy about that."  
  
    "It’s okay," Kara says, though she does feel the pressure of Sam’s hand on her face and it does hurt a little. "You can let me go now."  
  
    Sam returns to her seat and Kara does to. They do it slowly, even by human standards, and it doesn’t take more for Kara to see her own fears mirrored in Sam, to understand that the other woman fears her own powers as much as she does. It shouldn’t be comforting, but it is ; and Kara doesn’t have it in her to feel guilty about it.  
  
    "I’m sorry Lena," she says, "please, go on."  
  
    Lena hesitates for a brief second before she switches to the next slide. "This," she says pointing out to the left side of the screen, "is the blueprint of a Luthor Corp and Cadmus child. This," she continues, pointing to the other side, "is a weapon retrieved on site by Alex. Now if we zoom in, you’ll notice writing on both the weapon and the blueprint. In the time of their collaboration, Luthor Corp and Cadmus developed some kind of murderous lingo to help officially appointed agents to operate the weapons. Think of it as a fail safe, only people who know what to look for would know how use the weapons."  
  
    "And you knew what to look for," Sam says to punctuate Lena's revelation.  
  
    "Actually, I did not. As Kara pointed out, Cadmus was over long before any of us where involved in this, nobody even remembers that Maxwell Lord was working with them."  
  
    "He what !?" Kara and Alex shout as one.  
  
    "It's all there in the receipts," Lena replies calmly, "I was surprised too. I mean we all know he's an asshole but..."  
  
    "That's one way of putting it," Alex grumbles, her words coming out surprisingly clearly for someone who's grinding her jaw so hard it's seconds away from falling to pieces.  
  
    "Lex and Lillian once made the mistake of giving me access to the company, and to hell if I’m not going to use everything I’ve got to keep on crushing their legacy," Lena says sternly, her thirst for revenge shining in her eyes. "So I kept digging. And there are dozens of these. And for new weapons, or scraps so small you can't really tell, there are still the same markings that can link them back to Cadmus," she stops, taking a deep shaky breath before continuing with slightly less assurance. "I also looked at the photographs of wounds. And they match the descriptions I have in my files. The notes that I have on this are handwritten, from Lillian's hand. They experimented them on aliens. Um, I didn't put the pictures in there because..."  
  
    "...they're terrible," Alex finishes for her.  
  
    Lena nods gratefully. She clears her throat, takes a sip of water, and straightens her back again, pushing her shoulders as far as they can go to make herself stand taller. It makes Kara want to hug her, but she knows the interruption wouldn't be well received, Lena needs to finish her expose first.  
  
    "All of this," she says, "would be enough proof against anyone ; but it's Lillian Luthor we're talking about, and she has three escape plans at the ready at any time. And it's probably not just her. She could be working with anyone, Maxwell Lord again, even the DEO. For all we know this could be a vast conspiracy."  
  
    "What does that mean ?" Alex asks briskly, "Are the files I recovered from the DEO useless ?"  
  
    "They're useful to us. But we need more to bring Lillian, and whoever she's working with, down. We need irrefutable proof."  
  
    "And how do we get that ?" Alex snaps. "Because we're kind of in the middle of nowhere. It's not exactly like we can track radiation and triangulate coordinates to find her and take fucking pictures. We're in Midvale." Kara shoots her a look across the table and she at least has the decency to look sheepish. She exhales slowly, but doesn't apologize for losing her temper.  
  
    "Did I mentioned I'm a Luthor ?" Lena replies, raising a sharp eyebrow. "I can do all of that from here. I mean, it might take me a while to find a hackable Luthor Corp satellite and my computer could use an upgrade or two to make it work, but we can do this. All I need is a field trained agent and two Kryptonians to back me up."  
  
    Sam chuckles loudly before clamping her hands over her mouth. "So this is why you made a weird business proposal ? Because you don’t need that, you know you have my support no matter what."  
  
    "I was merely presenting my research," Lena replies with a frown. "And okay," she adds deflating a bit, "I'm also nervous. I want for this to work. I want to expose Lillian. If we can prove she's behind the attacks on aliens, and if we can prove Lord is working with her, it could be a step towards clearing Kara's name."  
  
    "Then we should also look for trace of RedK radiation," Alex says glancing at Kara. "If you think Lord and your mother are operating together, it might be a key to find them. But we would need to find a solution for Kara and Sam, they can't go waltzing in a Cadmus lair unprotected, especially since we know that Lord already managed to create some form of Kryptonite."  
  
    Kara winces at the mention of RedK ; her mind twisting as her brain picks at tendrils of phantom anger.  
  
    "I've been working on a shield against regular Kryptonite," Lena says, and Kara tries to focus on her voice, pushing back against her fucked up brain. "I could easily adapt it to work against all kind of known Kryptonite. I would never let them march in unprotected."  
  
    "You've been working on a Kryptonite shield ?" Alex asks puzzled.  
  
    "She says with surprise in her voice for some reason," Sam says with a short laugh that's interrupted when she winces, shaking her head from left to right, like one would do to get rid from water in the ears.  
  
    "Yeah nevermind, she's a genius," Alex chuckles. "Are you okay ?" she asks when she notices Sam's discomfort.  
  
    "I'm fine, it's just that..."  
  
    "No you're not," Kara cuts. "Your heartbeat's all over the place and the breath you just took didn't even reach your lung."  
  
    "My powers have been spotty and I have a headache, it's nothing," Sam dismisses, though her pained features tell another story.  
  
    "I could give you a check up," Alex offers, concern sipping through every pore of her body ; it's been a while since Kara has seen her so worried about someone who isn't her . "I mean, I'm an expert in alien biology and it's better to be on the safe side."  
  
    "It would be a good idea," Lena chimes in before Sam can object. "You could do that in my lab."  
  
    Sam shakes her head again. "I'm not saying no," she says hurriedly when Alex and Lena open their mouths, misinterpreting her gesture. "It just feels like..." she waves her hands around in disarray.  
  
    "Like you're underwater and at the same time the whole world is screaming in your ears ?"  
  
    "Exactly." She smiles at Kara gratefully. "You get that too, right ? What do you do to..."  
  
    "Not go crazy ?"  
  
    "Yeah that."  
  
    "I focus on something steady and reliable, usually the heartbeat of someone I care about."  
  
    "I usually listen to Ruby's but it's been spiking up unpredictably lately and it's more unsettling than soothing. I think she has a crush on that new kid, Lee something."  
  
    "Lee Serano ? Blue hair, huge smile ?" Kara asks, jumping on the occasion to change the subject to something that will distract Sam from the noise in her head. "I love them, they come at the library all the time with a lot of questions. They keep on borrowing the same books as Ruby so I think it could be mutual."  
  
    "Aw teen love, amiright ?" Sam chuckles, taking the bait.  
  
    "I wouldn't know," Lena says drily, "I was in the closet."  
  
    "Ditto," Alex adds with a cringed smile.  
  
    "But you still had crushes, right ?" Sam asks, specifically to Alex, something that neither Kara nor Lena miss.  
  
    "Yeah," Alex sighs. "And it was a fucking disaster."  
  
    Kara rolls her eyes at that but her sister shoots her a glare so harsh that she doesn't dare to expand on the subject. She has many things to say about Alex's teenage crushes, but she'd rather not have her own embarrassing stories exposed in front of Lena. Her crush on her junior year english teacher is best where it is, buried six feet under ground, right with the copy of Romeo and Juliet she used to draw hearts in.  
  
    Despite both sisters intentions of keeping their disastrous teenage years hidden, Kara's cheeks grow warm under her blush and Alex's sudden interest in her leather bracelet is very suspicious. Kara can see the gears turning in Lena's mind, and when her lips stretch into a slow smirk, she knows she won't get out of this.  
  
    Several things happen simultaneously. Sam shoots upright sending her chair through the wall, her daughter's name tumbling from her lips in a desperate cry. An explosion rocks Kara's head, then another. Her ears fill with cries before everything fades to larsen. The room turns around her, she falls to the ground, at least she thinks she does as her body connects with something solid. Her head is encased in lead and walls are pressing around her and she can't breathe. Lena's distorted face appears in front of her.  
  
    Rao. Lena.  
  
    Lena needs her help. And Alex. She needs to move. She needs to do something, but her legs refuse to bring her upright, the ground keeps on shirking under her. And her head, Rao, her head is going to explode. She pushes on something, the thing that she believes to be the floor, so she can get back on her feet. She trips. The room turns again.  
  
    Then black.  
  
    Merciless black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just give me a bit of time to go through it again (aka editing it for the fifth time ^^) and the next chapter should be up shortly :)


	25. It's a bird, it's a plane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second update of today MAKE SURE YOU READ THE OTHER CHAPTER FIRST

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amazingly, this isn't titled after a song, but you can always listen to the Supergirl theme for that ;)

    Kara comes to her senses amidst complete chaos.  
  
    Alex is shouting on the phone and Kara catches a few words ; "The town center blew up." And "I swear it's not us Colonel." And "We need help, please Colonel we need help."  
  
    The room is covered in a thin layer of dust, there are cracks on the ceiling and Lena's got blood dripping down her face. She's hunched over Sam who's rocking back and forth in a corner, her hands clenching and unclenching around nothing but air. Tears draw clean paths on her grime covered face. "Ruby," she says weakly. "Ruby. Ruby. Ruby." And Kara doesn't understand, because if Ruby needs help, then why is everybody still here.  
  
    She shakes her head vigorously, trying to clear it from the fuzz.  
  
    "What's happening ?" she asks hoarsely. "What's happening ?" she asks again when she realises no words actually came out of her mouth the first time.  
  
    Alex doesn't reply, she's still screaming for help in the phone. And Sam doesn't even hear her. Lena however shoots up when she hears her voice, and rushes over to the couch where she's lying, tripping on a broken chair. Up close, the gash on her forehead is even scarier. Kara raises her hand, stopping an inch short of the bloody wound. Before she can say anything about, Lena grasps that hand between her owns, kissing it lightly. "Don't worry about me," she says softly.  
  
    Kara thinks it's a stupid thing to say. How is she meant not to worry about Lena right now, when there's blood running down her face and her features are darkened by greyish dust ?  "What happened ?" she asks instead.  
  
    "Someone blew up my flat. At least from up here it looks like the explosion originated from my flat. Took out most of the street. The library. The diner..." Lena's voice catches in her throat and it sounds like she's not going to say anything else but she still manages a few more words. "Sam heard Ruby calling for help. Just before the explosion. And then she lost all of her powers."  
  
    Kara shoots up at that, and the only reason their heads don't collide fatally is because of Lena’s quick reflexes. "We need to do something," Kara says, frantically getting up from the couch, only to immediately stagger back, falling heavily on the disarrayed cushions.   
  
    "We are going to do something," Lena assures, her voice trembling a little. She keeps a hand hovering over Kara's chest to deter her from trying to get up again. They both know it would be useless if Kara were to try, but they don't voice it. "We just need a plan. Alex is trying to get backup and then we'll go out there and find Ruby. Maybe she got caught under the wreckage..."  
  
    "I thought she was supposed to be at school today ?"  
  
    "I thought so too but I can't get anything out of Sam and truthfully I'm really close to losing it too." Lena's voice trembles a little, actually, her whole body is trembling. "Kara, Kara I don't know what to do."  
  
    "They won't help," Alex says sourly, slamming her phone down on the table so hard that Kara hears the screen crack. "Apparently, someone blowing up the town in which Supergirl is hiding doesn't fall under the DEO's jurisdiction."  
  
    "Okay. Okay I'm going out there," Kara says, finding every inch of power she has to put it in her voice." You hear me Sam ? I'm going to find Ruby."  
  
    She gets up, effectively bypassing Lena's hand and starts towards the door.  
  
    Nobody tries to stop her, and it almost makes her falter because she expected resistance, but there seems to be a silent agreement that they are all past the point of holding back to protect each other, the kid comes first.  
  
    "Go," Alex says as Kara waltzes past her, shoving her glasses in her hands. "We'll be right behind you."  
  
    She's almost at the door when Lena's quiet whisper stops her dead in her tracks. "Be safe." She turns around, covering the distance between them in a burst of speed, and crashes their lips together, Alex's and Sam's presence relegated to the back of her mind for a few short seconds. It's quick and it's messy and it leaves them both yearning for more. Kara wants nothing more than to give in, than to trace the soft curves of Lena's hips with her hand, than to let her tongue slips in her mouth ; but she's needed out there.   
  
    Midvale needs Supergirl.  
  
    She hasn't flown in so long that it takes her three jumps to actually get in the air, and on her first turn, she crashes into a tree, messing up the rapid calculations in her head because she forgets she doesn't have a cape anymore. She doesn't have time to spare a regretful thought for her favourite jeans tearing at the knees because of her speed.  
  
    Despite her starting mishap, she gets to Main Street in a couple of seconds. Or at least, to where Main Street used to be. The street has been replaced by a decent sized crater the epicenter of which is Lena's flat. At the bottom of the hole, under tons and tons of rumbles, Kara spots the square shape of what must be the lab, relatively untouched. All around the crater, buildings are threatening to collapse, and though it looks like most people have managed to get out, it's what Kara tackles first.   
  
    She flies in and out of the ground, consolidating foundations, soldering metal supports with her heat vision, freezing half broken windows to avoid shards from falling on the casualties. Part of the library is hanging over the crater, with books falling out the windows. She hears a ruffling inside, something she hasn't heard beforehand, too busy scanning the crowd for Ruby's unfamiliar heartbeat. In the distance, she sees Sam, Alex and Lena, with gauze wrapped around her head, coming in running and their presence reassures her enough to convince herself she has time to check inside before the whole building collapses. She flies in through a broken window, shards tearing her shirt but doing nothing to her impervious skin.   
  
    Guiding herself with her x-ray vision she runs to the storage room where she can see a small silhouette rummaging through the shelves. Part of the door is missing, the rest is hanging loosely from the hinges. The neon lights flicker weakly, one of them even sending dangerous sparkles. Kara freezes it quickly, the last thing they need right now is a fire. She makes her way through the back of the room floating instead of balancing herself on the precarious floor. The silhouette belongs to Mrs. Michael. She's relentlessly shoving books in an already overflowing satchel, some pouring out as she tries to fit more in. She even has paperbacks shoved in the waistband of her skirt.   
  
    "Mrs. Michael," Kara says softly, trying her best not to startle the woman. "It's not safe you need to get out."  
  
    Mrs. Michael wheels around, stumbling as the ground shakes beneath her. She's covered in blood. "Oh Kara dear, it's you," she says, and Kara doesn't have time to wonder how she knows it's her, there's no time for a secret identity. "Come help me, we need to get the books out." She smiles, and Kara's stomach nearly makes it past her lips. She has a huge hole in her cheek, and when her lips stretch more blood pours out.  
  
    Kara floats forward slowly with her palms out. "You're wounded. We need to get you to safety."   
  
    Mrs. Michael recoils back. Hugging a huge book to her check. The title catches Kara's eye, it's a Supergirl omnibus.  
  
    The librarian bumps into a shelf.  
  
    Her feet go through the floor.  
  
    The ground gives out under them.  
  
    Kara surges forward, books tumbling on her back and she catches Mrs. Michael, flying her away from the falling library. The satchel rips in the process and books start spilling out, joining their companions pouring out of the building. Mrs. Michael shouts, and twists in her arms, reaching for the books. Kara tightens her grasp, and shoots straight up. She flies them right to the assembled crowd, depositing her on a gurney as paramedics rush towards her. She's still holding onto the Supergirl book for dear life, hugging it to her chest with her battered hands.  
  
    The paramedics look at her with wide eyes and mouths open, and when one of them gathers the brain power to pick their jaw of the ground, they whisper : "Supergirl ?"  
  
    It spreads through the crowd like wildfire. "Supergirl."  
  
    "Supergirl."  
  
    "Supergirl."  
  
    "Told ya it was her."  
  
    "Oh my God Supergirl is here."  
  
    "I knew she would never abandon us."  
  
    "Supergirl."  
  
    "She still cares about us."  
  
    Powered by the support of the crowd, by the pride of the love her people have for her, Supergirl shoots to the sky again, gathering height so she can scan the crowd for Lena, Alex and Sam. Lena is trying to climb down the crater and Alex and Sam are frantically asking around for Ruby. Sam is holding on to Alex's hand and they move in sink, parting the crowd and asking, asking and asking again for anyone who would have seen a teenage girl with brown hair. Kara can see smoke billowing above the high school and she flies down, collecting Alex and Sam without warning. She's about to rush them there when she hears a shout and she looks down just in time to see Lena tripping and tumbling down the crater. She drops Sam and Alex on the edge and flies down at top speed, catching Lena in the nick of time, right before she collapses on the exposed roof of her lab.  
  
    "What are you trying to do ?" she asks through gritted teeth, trying to prevent her sudden spike of fear from turning into anger. "Don't ask me to be careful if you're not going to be yourself."  
  
    "I wanted to check it out," Lena replies, slightly out of breath. "Don't you think it's weird that it's my flat specifically that exploded and not let say, your house ? Whoever did this, they may not be after Supergirl."  
  
    "I," Kara starts, "actually yes, it is, but who ? Why ?"  
  
    "Think Kara."  
  
    "It couldn't be Lillian... I mean, nobody knows you're here, and certainly not her."  
  
    "I wouldn't put it past her to have found me anyway."  
  
    "But how ?"  
  
    "I don't know. Kara I really don't know." Her voice is edgy, panicky. Her breathing is laboured and in her ribcage, her heart hammers away.  
  
    "It's okay," Kara says, trying to sound confident. "It's okay."  
  
    "It's really not. It's really really not."   
  
    Kara is inclined to agree with Lena, nothing about this is okay, still, she says : "Breathe. It’s gonna be okay. But you need to breathe."  
  
    Her legs give out and Lena slides down. Kara catches her swiftly, helping her to a seated position and settling next to her. She lets go of her as soon as she's sure she can't hurt herself by falling, trying to remember what Alex always does to help her out of her own panic. She glances down at Lena's hands which are ruthlessly picking at a hole in her slacks. Next to her legs, rests a pristine white envelope. Kara picks it up slowly. How in the world did this make it here without being torn apart ?  
  
    The answer is easy. Too easy actually, and Kara would almost laugh if it weren't for Lena spiraling next to her.  
  
    The envelope is stamped with Lillian Luthor's monogram.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The library thing stemmed entirely from the fact that I was pissed my boss didn't put me on the library shifts for this summer -_-  
> I hope you liked this chapter (and the one before), this is the first time I write something that resembles action so there's room for improvement, but it's a start


	26. Witch hunt for an exit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from "Hospital for soul" by Bring Me The Horizon (this is my to go song when I'm in the mood for murder, and also, the lyrics are amazing)
> 
> Most of this chapter came out of the left field, but I really enjoyed writing it (also, it features something that I have never ever written before, so if it's wonky, that's why ^^) and basically, it means that you get an extra chapter !
> 
> Editing might be a bit lacking here and there because I had quite the shit week, culminating yesterday when it took me 2:45 hours to get home when a bloody bellend forgot their luggage at Gare du Nord and there were zero train home (and I had to wait because I didn't have 120€ to get a taxi)

    Nobody’s talking. Since Alex turned off the radio a few minutes ago, the room has been plunged in heavy silence. It doesn’t mean that the rest of the world is silent. It doesn’t even take superhearing to hear the sirens still going on outside. Surveillance helicopters fly over every few minutes, monitoring the still smoldering woods. Eliza was leaving for the hospital when they arrived, sans Ruby, who is nowhere to be found. Since they settled in the living room, Alex is the only one who has moved at all. Turning the radio on and off, making tea for everyone, taking apart the pantry in search of a special brand of biscuit. She cannot sit still, and Kara doesn’t blame her.  
  
    Lena and Sam are sitting on the couch, unmoving ; and if it weren’t for their breathing, Kara would fear they have been turned into statues. Lena is staring at the unopened envelop on her lap ; her gaze is so intense that she may as well be trying to set fire to it with her eyes. Sam is listening, hoping that her powers are going to return and she'll be able to hear Ruby's heartbeat. She doesn't react when Kara tells her that even with her enhanced senses, she can't pick up Ruby's trail.  
  
    She has an inkling that what they're looking for is in the envelope, but Lena looked ready to explode the last time Kara tried to touch it so right now they’re waiting. Waiting until Lena musters the courage to read what’s inside, waiting until Eliza comes home with news from the hospital, waiting until one of them looses it.  
  
    The gash on Lena's forehead reopened, and blood is sipping through the no longer white gauze. Kara jumps at the opportunity to do something, beating Alex to the bathroom and coming back with a first aid kit. She cleans the wound thoroughly, until it doesn’t look so scary, and closes it with sanitised strips. With a wet cloth, she rids Lena’s face of its layer of dirt, and then regrets doing it ; her skin is even paler that usual.  
  
    Now that she’s gained the momentum, she cleans Sam’s face too, erasing the tears tracks, and when she’s done, she lays out clean clothes for everyone. In her bedroom, she finds Lena’s Supergirl hoodie, previously abandoned there, and it takes all of her self control not to cry when she realises that, with Krypto and the ruined clothes she has on her back, it’s the only thing that Lena has left. She thinks about the book on the bedside table that she didn’t have time to finish, the multitude of wonky paper cranes that adorned the shelves, the chipped blue mug that she had claimed as her own, the pot that was reserved for porridge making, the kettle in which they made their tea. A sniffle breaks the silence of the room, but it’s only when a tear falls on her hand that Kara realises that her resolve broke. She slips away from the room as surreptitiously has she can. It’s not like anyone has the energy to notice anyway.  
  
    Hidden in the bathroom, she lets her tears fall freely, grateful that the rushing of the water covers the sound of her sobs. She lets the warm water run over her, washing up three times with an odorless soap that she keeps for times like this. When she steps out of the steam filled room, she only feel marginally better, but at least she’s clean.  
  
    Downstairs, Alex is quietly talking to Sam. She's crouching next to her, bracing herself with a hand on her knee, and Sam’s head in hanging so low, that their foreheads are nearly touching. Kara follows the line formed by their bodies down to the coffee table, where a cream colored thick piece of paper lays. It's rumpled, like someone has been holding it forcefully while also trying not to tear it apart. Kara barely has time to take notice of it before Lena breezes past her, muttering something about needing a shower. She goes to follow her but Alex shakes her head, mouthing "Not now" ; and so against her better instincts, she doesn’t.  
  
    To give Lena space, she reads through the letter seven times, trying to make sense of it. Each time she starts over, it's like the words rearrange themselves in a new combination of absolute nonsense. I have the weapon really is unnecessarily ominous. The only possible explanation is that Lillian Luthor is a crazy old hag who lost her mind and decided to blow up a quiet town. Because for the life of her, Kara cannot find a correlation between a supposed secret weapon, Lena, blowing up her flat, and setting fire to the high school. It’s ridiculous, if Lena had a secret weapon, she wouldn’t be hiding it in her flat, she’s not stupid. When she's read the letter enough to have it memorised, and Lena still hasn't turned on the water in the bathroom, Kara decides that she's had enough of everybody hurting alone.  
  
    The bathroom door is opened, not just unlocked, but wide open, like she couldn’t be bothered with it, and Lena is sitting fully clothed in the bathtub. She turns her head slowly to look at Kara, her face drained by lassitude. "Oh," she says, "I forgot to turn the shower on." Blindly, she reaches out for the faucet, and before Kara can do anything about it, cold water starts pouring on her. Kara dashes forward, ready to turn it off, but Lena leaves her hand on it, silently letting her know that she doesn’t want her to. She’s looking down, entranced by the vortex of dirt and blood mixing in the water and disappearing down the drain. Her clothes stick to her skin, her white shirt revealing a nude coloured sport bra. She seems surprised by this, and starts weakly picking at the shirt, growing more and more frustrated as she fails to detach it from her body. Kara hesitates for a minute, wondering if Lena will be okay with being touched ; but when she starts shivering, tears streaming down her face as she uselessly scratches at her torn pants, Kara can’t stand it anymore.  
  
    She steps in the bathtub and lowers herself in front of her, not caring one bit for the water drenching her own clothes. She turns on the hot water, letting it mix in to a more comfortable temperature, and with infinite gentleness, she unbuttons Lena’s shirt, and slides it down her shoulders before discarding it to the side. She lifts Lena's arms, sliding the sport bra over her head and when she's done with it, she unbuckles her pants and, when she encounters no resistance, tugs them down with the boxers in one go.  
  
    Droplets of water ripple down between Lena's breasts and only when she finds herself looking at them does Kara realise it's the first time she's seeing Lena naked. Suddenly, it makes her feel inadequate, and she doesn’t know what to do with her own covered body. She averts her gaze, and considers exiting the bathtub, afraid that she breached Lena’s privacy ; but Lena herself doesn’t seem bothered by this. Instead, she leans forward, and tugs at the hem of Kara’s shirt until Kara understands what she wants. She strips of her own tshirt and bra in one movement that isn't as fluid as she'd like and drops them by the side of the tub. She removes her sweatpants and underwear in another, and then she’s as naked as Lena.  
  
    At first, she doesn’t dare to look again, and she freezes her stare a little over Lena's right shoulder, finding the light blue tiled wall more interesting than she ever has. But Lena reaches out and cups her face with one hand, moving it slowly until their eyes meet. Then she moves it down until Kara’s eyes settle on her chest, silently giving her permission to look. So Kara allows herself to look at the body before her, tracing down every curve with her eyes, memorising them because it feels like an important things to do. She marvels in the shape of her ample breasts, and let her eyes rack on her supple belly ; she's never seen anything as perfect as the way Lena's waist connects to her lavish hips. There are faint stretch marks on her thighs and when she sees her looking at them, Lena moves to hide them. Kara stops her gently, taking her hands instead and threading their fingers. She tugs, until Lena topples over her and they tangle in the bathtub, effectively hiding what Lena doesn't want her to see. "You’re beautiful", she says softly, leaving a small kiss on her collarbone, where a bruise is forming from the events of the day. "You’re beautiful."  
  
    They stay tangled under the shower stream for a long time, until the water starts turning cold, Kara tracing Lena's curves with a light finger. When Lena starts to shiver, she turns the water off and helps her stand up. In a dash, she fetches the fluffiest towel she can find ; Lena startling when she reappears in front of her and starts wrapping her in the smooth material. Lena manages to get one arm out of the towel and she uses it to bring Kara closer, snagging her in a weak hug and resting her head on her shoulder. Kara squeezes back as comfortingly as she can.  
  
    Eventually, Lena voices hoarsely the necessity to get back downstairs with the others. Kara helps her in fresh clothes, never leaving more than an inch between them ; Lena seems to need this proximity. She finds dry clothes for herself and when their both covered, she guides her to the bedroom. There, she gently gets her to sit on her desk chair, and, retrieving her hairbrush from where she abandoned it that morning, a morning that now seems so far away, she untangles her hair, brushing them back until they're malleable enough for her to braid them tightly. When she’s done, and she turns her around, there’s a single tear making its way down Lena’s cheek. Kara wipes it off with her thumb, before laying a soft kiss on her forehead. "Your mother's a crone," she says, "and I'm going to bring her down so hard she'll pop up on the other side of the planet."  
  
    Lena laughs at that, and Kara is grossly unprepared for the strangled chuckle that tumbles past her lips. She stays still, arms uselessly dangling at her sides, as Lena chokes and then schools her face to something she thinks is more appropriated to the situation. "Let’s go," she says with a resolution that was nowhere to be seen just a couple of seconds ago.  
  
    Downstairs, Sam is lying on the couch with her head on Alex’s lap ; her breathing doesn't match one of an asleep person. Alex is absentmindedly combing her fingers through her hair, but all her attention is directed towards her phone on the coffee table. She lifts her head when she hears Kara and Lena making their way to the living room. Both sisters shrug at the silent questions in each others eyes. No Lena isn’t alright, no nobody has called them back yet, no the police hasn’t shown up to take note of the girl’s disappearance, yes Alex has read the letter.  
  
    Said letter is still on the table where Kara left it and she grabs it on her way to the armchair. Lena sits next to her on the armrest, in a display of confidence that is only a meagre facade. Kara unfolds the piece of paper, and forces herself to set her eyes on it ; maybe if she goes through it one more time, it will make more sense.  
  
_Daughter of mine,_  
_I have the weapon. Thank you for keeping an eye on it, but I need it for greater purposes._  
_Did you really thought you could hide any longer ?_  
_I do hope that this will help you understand and plead allegiance to the cause._  
_I apologize for not staying for tea._  
_Love._  
_LL._  
  
    The letter is signed with a flourish that makes Kara want to claw her eyes out ; it's not the worse thing about it, but it's icing on the "daughter of mine" cake and she wants nothing more than to heat vision Lillian Luthor to dust and to shield Lena from all of this, forever. Realistically, she can't, and eventually, she has to ask, even if voicing it feels worse than having her insides removed from her body. "Lena," she starts softly, "what’s this about a weapon ?"  
  
    "I don’t know," Lena says thickly, "I don’t know. This doesn’t make any sense to me. She just blew up my home like some sick warning that she knows where I am and she didn’t even go into my lab."  
  
    "Are you sure of that ?" Alex asks her eyes still glued to the phone. "Are you sure there is no way she could have accessed your lab ?"  
  
    "You can’t override the security. Only Kara and I can open the door, and anyway, it’s buried under tons and tons of rumble."  
  
    "So there’s no way to tell if something’s missing."  
  
    "I wouldn’t be hiding a weapon in my flat Alex," Lena says curtly, "I’m not stupid. The only thing that’s missing is a person, and it’s Ruby."  
  
    "Ruby ?" Alex repeats, her voice rising with a question that Kara absolutely refuses to consider. "Sam," she says, suddenly feverish. "Sam," she says again, shaking her shoulder. "Did Ruby ever start showing signs of powers ?"  
  
    "This is impossible," Kara cuts.  
  
    "It’s not. Kara, think about it. Ruby is the only one who’s missing. If she has powers, Lillian could want to use her for something."  
  
    "Ruby doesn’t have powers," Sam interrupts weakly, lifting her head from Alex’s lap.  
  
    "But she would still have kryptonian DNA, maybe they have a way to track this down," Lena whispers, bewildered. "And it’s easier to abduct a child than a full grown alien."  
  
    "If she doesn’t have powers it’s not possible," Alex interjects, "there’s a way to track solar radiation via satellite but it wouldn’t work on Ruby."  
  
    "Well then if she can’t track her why does she have my child ?!" Sam yells in a sudden burst of energy that causes her to straighten up from Alex's lap, nearly headbutting her in the chin. "I need to know where my child is..."  
  
    "Do you think it could be Lillian ?" Kara asks, turning to Lena.  
  
    "I wouldn’t put it past her. I wouldn’t put anything past her."  
  
***  
  
    "Is it working yet ?"  
  
    "No it’s not," Lena bites, not bothering to raise her head from her laptop. "Have you ever tried to hack a satellite Alex ? Because it’s fucking complicated."  
  
    Alex opens her mouth to shout something back but reconsiders when Kara shoots her the deadliest of glares from where she’s hooking up various monitors to a homemade CPU. She goes back to disassembling and assembling a handgun ridden with alien technology, a "gift from Lex."  
  
    Sam is pacing back and forth, periodically jumping to see if she will float again. She’s wearing a black bullet proof combat suit that Lena had lying around and that she thrusted in her hands with zero explanation. There’s extra protection on the right shoulder, like on a medieval armour, and Kara wonders if Sam’s supersuit is supposed to go with a sword. Because there is no doubt that this is a supersuit, if only because Kara is wearing a similar one, and hers has clips to attach a cape, and a pentagonal shape on the chest that could house her crest.  
  
    And it could. One day it could be her suit ; red and blue instead of plain black, with the House of El crest proudly displayed. She thinks about all the people in the crowd calling out her name. She thinks about all the people who thought she had abandoned them but welcomed her back anyway. A glimmer of hope sprouts in her heart, and she doesn't squash it. She needs it ; they all need it.  
  
    She looks over at Alex, who’s now sheathing and unsheathing her new gun from her DEO holster, with increasing speed, but still a twitch of anxiety here and there. Then at Sam who’s throwing kicks in the air, fighting imaginary opponents with surprising agility. Finally she looks at Lena who’s hunched over her laptop and clad in black knee-padded jeans, combat boots and a bulletproof jacket. She knows that they could do this without her, that they're talented and dedicated enough to rescue Ruby without Supergirl ; but they rely on her as part of the team, they’re counting on her just like she can count on each of them, as a team, and it makes her feel more powerful than ever.  
  
    "Okay I’m in," Lena says, causing everybody to freeze, Alex even nearly dropping her gun, before they hurry towards her. "Kara, you can boot the monitors, I’m going to connect to the mainframe and then Alex you’ll enter the codes for the types of radiations we're looking for. I want everybody’s eyes opened because I don’t know how long I can keep the connection before someone notices me."  
  
    "What are the chances that someone will notice you ?" Sam asks hesitantly.  
  
    "A hundred percent. It’s more a question of time than anything."  
  
    Alex enters the data with dexterity, her hands flying over the keyboard efficiently. Each of them monitors one part of the map on the screens as tiny luminous dots appear and disappear quickly.  
  
    "How are they so spread out ?" Sam whispers, the disbelief clear in her voice.  
  
    "Hate is a powerful thing," Lena replies, spitting the words with barely concealed anger.  
  
    Dots continue to flash before Kara as their hacked satellite picks up on various types of radiations. She wouldn’t believe it if she weren’t seeing it with her own two eyes, but Cadmus’ weapons are all over the country. She wonders for a second if they are purposefully leading them on, if they know they’re looking already and are somehow sending false data ;  until suddenly, National City lights up like a Christmas tree. "There !" Kara shoves her finger on the screen, cracking it neatly. Nobody takes notice of this as they wait with baited breath for Alex to zoom in on the city. Radiation covers most of the city, it’s more concentrated on a singular spot in the business district, but it spreads out from there, following a complex pattern.  
  
    "What the fuck," Alex says, rolling her chair away from the monitors. "It’s everywhere. How can they be everywhere ?"  
  
    The pattern of the dots reminds Kara of something, it's right there at the back of her mind but she can't grasp it. She looks intensely, as if ingraining the image in her brain will spark up a memory. She forces herself to look back at where the radiation is the strongest and then chooses to follow only one path, then another ; the radiation always seems to fade out in the middle of nowhere. The farthest it goes, is just on the edge of the wastewater plant. "The sewers," she says in disbelief. "They’re in the sewers."  
  
    "The sewers ?" Lena asks, slightly puzzled.  
  
    "Yeah the sewers. Notice how the radiation levels fade into every direction except this one ? They stop at the treatment plant. Alex and I, we encountered a rogue alien once, remember Rampage ? Karen ?" Alex nods at that, encouraging Kara to keep going. "A surprisingly nice lady. Anyway, she was hiding in the sewers and we had to chase her down there and well, I have a pretty good memory. So I'm telling you they're in the sewers."  
  
    "And the central point ?"Lena asks, frantically taking notes.  
  
    "That's the business district and um Rao, I don't know, I'm not sure. Could be that abandoned building Lex purchased to open a west coast branch, or maybe Lord Tech ? CatCo isn't far either but I can't picture Cat Grant involved in that mess."  
  
    "You've got the sewers memorised but not the freaking business district ?" Sam asks, not bothering to keep her frustration at bay.  
  
    "Last time I hanged out there was a bit traumatic," Kara bites back, "so forgive me if my memory is a bit spotty."  
  
    "You're right," Sam says, releasing a long deep sigh. "Sorry, I'm just, I mean it's Ruby..."  
  
    "I get it. We're all just a bit on edge. And this is your daughter."  
  
    "Still, I shouldn't bite your head off about it. It's not your fault."  
  
    "We're going to find her you know ?" Alex says softly, her right hand hovering over Sam's shoulder.  
  
    "Yeah..." Sam sighs, leaning on the offered comfort.  
  
    "Something else is on your mind though. Right ?"  
  
    "What if Lillian doesn't have her ? What if she's just buried somewhere under the rumble ? What if she's alone and scared ? What if she's dead ? What if my baby is dead in a ditch somewhere and I just don't know ?! What if..."  
  
    "I x-rayed everything," Kara says. "She's not here Sam. I looked everywhere, I promise you I looked everywhere for her."  
  
    "So we go to National City..."  
  
    "We go to National City," Alex confirms, squeezing her shoulder.  
  
    "I can't fly all three of you there at the same time," Kara says. "It'd be too dangerous."  
  
    "Oh I have a good car," Lena says matter-of-factly.  
  
    "Wait ? You still have your awesome car ? And you let me drive you everywhere ?" Sam asks frowning, momentarily forgetting about Ruby.  
  
    "A state of the art solar car isn't really inconspicuous Sam, I can't just go around in it all the time."  
  
    "Still better than my crap second hand SUV, do you know how much Rub..." Sam chokes, stumbling over the name. "...hates that car...?" she finishes in a strangled whisper, the urgency of their situation hitting her all over again.  
  
    "I'm parked outside of town, in a rented garage. We're leaving now."  
  
    Alex scowls. "We don't have a plan," she reminds her.  
  
    "Well we'll make one on the way," Lena says harshly. "I'm not leaving Ruby in my mother's claws any longer, this woman is a child destroyer."  
  
    The trip back to the surface is quicker than their journey to the lab. The tunnel Kara has dug to get them to the door is surprisingly sturdy for such a hasty job and it's still standing by the time they reach the top of the crater. The area has been evacuated, and the flashing lights of the police cars have replaced the red and blue of the dinner. As they duck behind rumble to avoid being caught in the headlights, sorrow churns in Kara's stomach ; but she keeps going, she must keep going.  
  
    Lena's car is a silver sedan with light blue highlights and solar panels on the roof ; indeed, it's not the kind of car that helps one stay under the radar. But it's fast, not as fast as Kara herself, but faster than any car she's ever been in. The elegance of the vehicle, and its speed, reminds her of her father's skimmer ; she wouldn't even be surprised if the car started flying. It doesn't though, the four wheels stay firmly on the ground as the car speeds away from town. As Midvale disappears into the rearview Kara can't help but fear that she could very well never return to the town she wanted to leave so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I nearly didn't posted it because I started feeling self conscious about it but I did so I hope you like it and I'll see you soon for another one :)
> 
> In case not everybody has read this chapter already (otherwise I'll just explain again in the next chapter), I changed my AO3 username to better reflect what I write and who I am (I hope people won't be confused and I won't loose readers because of this). I made a tumblr post with a brief explanation that you can find here : https://clarazorel.tumblr.com/post/186112314808/new-ao3-username


	27. Bremsstrahlung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE BY GAYHEDA3003  
> (Don't dismiss it please, I'm just dumb and impulsive and changed my username in the middle of posting a story ^^)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ba dum tsss
> 
> (Fair warning : this is gruesome.)

    Kara can hold her breath for 37 minutes straight, that's 35 minutes more than Alex, and 36 more than Sam and Lena ; she's going to need to breathe in one minute. It's going to be painful. She's been holding her breath since they stepped into the sewers, but she doesn't need to smell it to know the stench is terrible ; it's written all over their faces. None of them are complaining though, they're being brave, making their way in the murky water as silently as they can. Lena's boots are too short and mud sipped into them immediately ; it makes a disgusting slurp sound with every step.  
  
    Alex's flashlight goes out right when Kara takes her first breath. It hides the way her features scrunch up, the way her nose pulls up and her lips pull down, the way her eyes screw shut for a second and her brow creases permanently. It does nothing to cover the whimper that accompanies her stomach turning upside down. Her gag reflex makes a strong appearance and as bile rises at the back of her throat, she's never been that thankful to have skipped a meal. "I'm okay," she says when her companions stop their progression at the sound of retching. "Just, supersenses don't mix well with this kind of stuff."  
  
    "I have water," Lena says, contorting to reach her backpack. "And protein bars, and seven over flashlights."  
  
    "I'm fine, really," Kara says, shrugging off the offer. "We need to keep this for later."  
  
    Lena shuffles towards her, splattering mud all around, and forces a reusable bottle into her hands with more force than necessary. "Drink the fucking water Kara."  
  
    Kara gulps down the water, ultimately grateful that Lena forced her. She refuses the protein bar though ; she knows she won't be able to keep it down.  
  
    They resume their slow progression, occasionally stopping to check their position on the interactive map Kara drew on Lena's tablet. Sam gets more and more restless at each crossroad, tilting her head like she'll somehow be able to pick up something that Kara's ears didn't. There is nothing to hear ; nothing apart from their four heartbeats and their eight feet slurping in the water. Nothing except the endless echo of water lapping at the walls and the multitude of sounds of the city awakening above them. Kara is tensed with focus, taking in every detail, searching for shifts in the air, a change in the echo of their steps that could indicate a hidden room. She even tries her x-ray vision, but the walls have been lead lined and she can't see through. At least, this is a clue in itself, a sign that they're on the right track. Nobody would take that much precaution in sewers if it weren't to hide something.  
  
    Sam is holding a makeshift Geiger counter, tampered for their specific needs. The device screech constantly, but after a while they stop jumping in fear that someone, or something, is coming ; there are just rats and trash in these tunnels. Occasionally it beeps louder, and they find an empty cartridge, at some point even a complete rifle that Lena slides over her shoulder in a way that Kara tries very hard not to find insanely sexy, because this is an alien killing device, and it's wrong.  
  
    So far, they haven't encountered anyone in the muddy tunnels, and Kara is starting to find their luck a bit shady when a bright beam of light cuts the darkness, immediately followed by quick footsteps. She wheels around, pointer finger to her lips, and Alex nearly barrels into her. She grabs the flashlight from her sister's hand, struggling for a second to turn it off before managing to plunge them into obscurity. Beside her, Lena exhales sharply. Behind her, Sam fidgets with her belt. And Alex switches her footing. Rationally, she knows they're not that loud, and that she's the only one who can hear them, but her heart still skips a beat as the footsteps get closer.  
  
    "Man," a voice says over the slurping of the water, "I fucking hate this place."  
  
    "Right back at you dude."  
  
    "What did the bitch said again ?"  
  
    "Intruder alert at the plant. With no visual because the cams are jammed."  
  
    "Probably just a dog. Who the fuck would willingly get their asses down there ?"  
  
    "I don't know man, I don't know."  
  
    "How do we get to the plant again ?"  
  
    "Next left."  
  
    Kara's heart skips two beats this time, as Alex starts unnecessarily but frantically tapping on her shoulder to get her attention ; next left is their tunnel.  
  
    "Nevermind. It's the one after."  
  
    The two men move past them, not even bothering checking the intersection with their flashlights, and Kara hears her three companions releasing their breaths. Close call. Fucking close call.  
  
    Kara turns the flashlight back on, the light flickering a little as she pushes the button too hard. She thrusts it in Alex's hand, and, walking much quicker than before, they resume their progression, turning right in the tunnel the Cadmus men came from. They're getting close, or at least that's what the map and the Geiger counter say, but they have yet to encounter so much has a hidden door. None of them are naive enough to have so much as hoped it would be easier, they weren't expecting glowing arrows pointing to the secret lair and a snack bar ; but this is starting to get a bit strenuous. The water is getting deeper, and when their second flashlight expires after toppling into the mud, Kara can hear Sam whispering a comforting lullaby to herself. It's creepy, and Kara knows she isn't the only one thinking this when Lena's heartbeat spikes up as she rumbles through her bag in search of another spare light.  
  
    Somewhere, not far enough, something moves in the water.  
  
    Kara doesn't have time to act, doesn't have time to shout a warning to the others, before the thing wraps itself around her leg, and drags her under water.  
  
    Dirt obscures everything, and water clogs her ears.  
  
    Mud fills her lungs.  
  
    Blindly, she reaches out for her leg, trying to get it out of the grip the creature has on it. She tears at something viscous and as soon as she's free, another wraps around her torso, tighter. Through the water, she hears a muffled bang, then another, and the tentacle recedes enough for her to swallow another mouthful of mud before she remembers it's not air.  
  
    She chokes, and more filth enter her body.  
  
    She can’t breathe.  
  
    Panic takes over her as she struggle with a slippery creature she cannot see, as tentacles wraps around her tighter and tighter. The stream of one of Lena's flashlight suddenly cuts through the water and the creature shrieks, loosening its grip enough for Kara to twist in its grasp, and burn it with heat vision. The water boils around them as the last tentacles lets go of her.  
  
    Overhead, hushed wails remind her that her human companions are not heat proof. Free of the creature, she kicks on the ground to get upright and out of the water, to their rescue. But her foot slips on the bottom of the tunnel and before she's even out, she's under again. Her head whacks on something, something hard and angular. There is no up or down. No exit. Only mud invading every nook of her body.  
  
    Maybe this is it.  
  
    Dying in the sewers, how glorious.  
  
    She spares a thought for the poor lad who is going to have to take care of her stinky corpse ; and hopes that Alex remembers the kryptonian rituals she taught her.  
  
    Rao doesn't pull her out of the water ; her sister does. Her strong hand grabs her forearm and just as fast as she thought she was drowning, she's standing again, alive. Her body lurches forward and she finds herself bend in two, her face inches from the sludge, as her lungs empty themselves of the grimy water, the filth burning her throat on its way out. She coughs and chokes for eternal seconds, feeling minutes away from having her guts spewing out of her mouth. Eventually, air finds a way into her lungs, and she immediately regrets trying to breathe, it still smells so bad. She glances around, taking in the sight of her mud covered companions. She has things she wants to say to them, to Alex who pulled her out of the water, _thank you for getting me out of here_ , to Lena who switched her deadly rifle for a small handgun, _thank you for not shooting me with an alien gun_ ; what end up coming out of her mouth is unexpected, though completely true. "Rao, I need a shower."  
  
    A breathy laugh resonates in the tunnel, and it amplifies, as Alex, and then Sam, join Lena in her panicked hilarity.  
  
    "I'm sorry," Lena says, putting both hands in the air, her legs nearly giving out as she laughs and laughs. "I'm sorry." She exhales loudly. "Once we get out of here, you can take all the showers in the fucking world. I'll buy you a human car wash if you want, hell I'll design one for you. But we really need to get the fuck out of here."  
  
    "There's something under the water," Kara says, touching her head, half expecting to find it punctured and emptying of its blood.  
  
    "No shit Sherlock."  
  
    "No Alex," Kara says sternly. "There is something under the water. Square shaped, angular, like a hatch."  
  
    "Oh for Gods sake don't tell me we have to swim in that to get to the fucking door."  
  
    "I don't think we have to," Sam interjects, "when Kara heat visionned that thing, the tunnel lighted up, there were writing on the walls, in that weird Cadmus secret language."  
  
    "Instructions ?" Lena suggests as Alex starts sweeping the walls with her flashlight.  
  
    "I think so."  
  
    "Yeah except non of us speak Cadmus lingo," Alex says bitterly, "so we're fucked anyway."  
  
    Kara is about to agree, when Lena shuffles forward decisively, snatching the flashlight out of Alex's hand on her way to the wall. She studies it for a minute, running her hand along the foreign words, before she resolutely presses her palm on one of them. The ground beneath them starts to shake, the water bubbling, and Lena steps back with a triumphant smile. A rusty hatch slowly emerges, grinding to a halt a foot above water. "I spent enough time studying these files to pick up a thing or two."  
  
    If she weren't caked in stinky mud, Kara would kiss her.  
  
    Alex whistles lowly. "I'm seriously impressed by you right now."  
  
    "Only right now ?" Lena asks, raising a cocky eyebrow.  
  
    "Don't let it go to your head," Alex grumbles, splashing in the water to get to the hatch. The handle is rusty, and it takes her two tries to slide it completely, after batting Kara's strong hands away from it. The opening sheds white light all over the tunnel, truly illuminating the sewers for the first time since they stepped underground. Kara would have rather not see how filthy this place is. Alex peers inside quickly, before turning to Lena. "Can you jam the cameras again ?"  
  
    "Of course I can," Lena says, and Kara can practically hear her rolling her eyes. "But we'll have to be quick, and stealthy."  
  
  
    Alex snorts, eyeing her sister with a smirk, like she doesn’t believe that Kara - punches first, asks question later - Zor-El Danvers can be stealthy, which is very true but also something that nobody else needs to know. There's a question brimming on Lena's lips, but she foregoes it in favour of hacking ; Kara likes her a lot.  
  
    Once the coast is clear, Kara floats down the hatch, maintaining eye contact with Alex the whole time ; she can be stealthy.  
  
***  
  
    The starch white corridors are a nice change of scenery, but they have to abandon all pretense of discretion when they realise that with no way of cleaning up, they're leaving mud tracks all over the floor. They don't make it very far, before they encounter a lead lined reinforced door. The door is locked with a fancy looking digital code that Lena immediately sets to hacking. She's so much better at this than Cadmus, and Kara feels so so proud of her.  
  
    It's a little bit unnerving, to have no way of knowing what's behind the door beforehand, to still not know what they're walking into ; and without meaning to, Kara finds herself copying Sam's fidgeting. She focuses on hearing what's happening in the room they're about to enter, and is at least reassured by the absence of heartbeats behind the door. There's only a faint buzzing. And way above them, a familiar ding.  
  
    "We’re right under CatCo," Kara says though she didn't intend to speak in the first place.  
  
    "How do you..." Sam starts, nervously glancing at the door.  
  
    "Miss Grant’s elevator sounds like no other."  
  
    "So that’s a definitive no on blowing that place up," Alex mumbles. "Do you think she could be involved in this ?"  
  
    "I have no idea," Kara whispers just as the door in front of them slides open, cutting her derailing train of thoughts. For a split second, she's relieved to not find an evil Cat Grant laughing like a maniac ; and then what she's looking at registers in her brain, there's a pod in the room, a kryptonian pod.  
  
    "Well shit," Alex says eloquently.  
  
    "Is that, is that yours ?" Lena asks, carefully stepping into the room.  
  
    "No," Kara replies lowly, her voice suddenly missing. "Mine’s not like that."  
  
    "It’s mine," Sam says, bypassing them all to walk to the pod.  
  
    "How...?" Alex starts, fumbling for the right question to ask.  
  
    "I don’t know, I just feel it."  
  
    Sam stands a few inches from the vessel, her hands hovering hesitantly over the hull. While she's gathering the courage to make acquaintance with her origins, Kara looks around the room, looking for other kryptonian artifacts. There’s a sunstone, hooked to a poor attempt at a decoding device, and a majestic sword, laying on a clustered table like it doesn't belong in a museum. A hot flash of anger courses through her veins, and it's enough for her to miss the arrival of additional heartbeats.  
  
    "Well, well, well, what do we have here ? I wouldn't touch that if I were you, it's quite valuable."  
  
    It's a voice that Kara has never heard, yet it's like she knows it by heart already. It's the voice of her nightmares, the voice she never wanted to hear, but most of all it's the voice of Lena's sleepless nights. Lillian Luthor just entered the room.  
  
    "I'm proud of you," she says to the daughter she's never been proud of. "You did a good job finding me. Are you here to join, or simply to surrender ?"  
  
    "I," Lena starts, refusing to lean on Kara for support though her pulse is quickening and her legs are trembling.  
  
    "Where's Ruby ?" Sam's furious voice cuts from behind them.  
  
    "Rub    y what ?" Lillian asks with casual indifference.  
  
    "Where's my child ?" Sam asks again starting forward at an impressive speed for a depowered being only to be stopped by Kara's careful outreached arm.  
  
    "Oh, you're the weapon's raiser ? Well I don't congratulate you on her education. Your child, as you say, is a handful."  
  
    "Give us Ruby."  
  
    "Don't be brash Lena, it's unflattering."  
  
    Beside Kara, Lena winces, fighting hard not to more visibly recoil. Still holding back Sam, she uses her other hand to lightly touch Lena's shoulder. This time, she accepts the comfort, and stands just a little bit taller.  
  
    "I see you brought friends," Lillian continues, "what a pleasant surprise. Though I don't understand why you insist on keeping such bad company ; a demoted alien vigilante, a subpar DEO agent, and whatever the mother of my weapon is. Pathetic."  
  
    "You’re the pathetic one," Alex hisses, her jaw clenched and her hand on the holster of her brand new gun.  
  
    "I’m not talking to you," Lillian dismisses with a condescending wave of the hand. "You're not worth my while. I'm much more interested in Supergirl, than in her nanny. Two weapons for the price of one, thank you Lena, I didn’t know you loved me that much."  
  
    "I do not love you mother."  
  
    "Don’t you ?" Lillian says with a sickening saccharine smile.  
  
    Kara doesn't need to be a genius to understand what Lillian is doing. Jab after jab; she's chipping away at her daughter with vicious enjoyment, and Lena's carefully patched foundations are slowly cracking. Months of rebuilding, nights of whispered confessions about motherly abuse whacked and whacked again like they're worth nothing. And to Lillian, that's what they're worth. Kara is finally being presented with the final piece of the puzzle of Lena's past, and like a slap to the face, she finally understand that she never truly get why Lena wished for her to never have to meet her mother. Nothing could have prepared her for that.  
  
    "If you don't love me," Lillian continues, "then why are you here Lena ? Why are you constantly trying to get my attention ?"  
  
    "Cut the crap mother," Lena says thickly, her face contorting into a grimace when she realises she didn't manage to keep her emotions out of her voice.  
  
    "Don’t speak to me on that tone, I would hate to have to shoot you."  
  
    "You wouldn’t," Lena says defiantly, moving away from Kara to stand her ground.  
  
    Lillian doesn’t bother answering. Instead, she retrieves a small handgun from her pocket, and point it straight at her daughter. Her finger is hovering over the trigger and Kara doesn’t allow her time to shoot or not, she moves in front of Lena dragging Sam with her at superspeed.  
  
    Things in real life don't happen in slow motion, Kara is very well aware of that. Except that in the next second, so many things happen at once that her brain breaks them down at a slower rate trying to take in everything. Sam trips in slow motion, she barrels right into the artifacts’ table in slow motion, the bullet from Lillian’s gun makes its way to them in slow motion.  
  
    The table topples over with the strength of the impact, sending artifacts and technology sprawling on the ground. A bullet bounces off Kara’s chest, then another, she notices them, registers their angle and adjust her body accordingly to cover Lena’s better ; but what she’s really looking at, is the sunstone rolling towards Lillian, disconnected from the decoding device. It stops at her feet, and Sam’s sink two inches in the concrete.  
  
    "Well," Lillian says, arching an eyebrow in a way that isn’t unlike Lena. "This is becoming interesting."  
  
    And all hell breaks loose.  
  
    Sam gets her feet out of the cement, quicker that human eyes can follow, and skillfully rolls to the side, grabbing the sword and ending in a crouching position, a feral look on her face. It almost looks like she's done this before, and it's so impressive that Kara misses the moment she springs forward, straight to Lillian Luthor.  
  
    Lena reacts before she does, pushing her away with a "Go I have a bulletproof jacket !" but before Kara can reach Sam, she’s blasted backward by a fizzling ray, straight into her pod. The crash is deafening, the ship slides from its pedestal in a cacophony of metal and shouts as Cadmus agents disperse to get out of the way. Sam is back on her feet in a fraction of a second, and, dodging another ray, she smashes through a wall on her quest to Ruby.  
  
    Only Kara, Alex, and Lena remain, as more and more Cadmus agents swarm the room, pouring in endlessly like Lillian recruited the whole damn city. In less time that it takes to realise it, they’re surrounded, overpowered, as dozens of alien guns are turned on them ready to annihilate them with little to no chance of survival.  
  
    There isn't much options, so thunderclap it is.  
  
    Kara brings her hands together in one smooth motion, sending everyone sprawling on the ground. In the next second, she’s already brought Lena and Alex back on their feet. Alex whips out her gun and starts shooting precise burst of energy at hands and knees, crippling but not killing, throwing elbows and punches at faster agents who are already back on their feet. Lena whirls around, cracking noses and sternums with the butt of her rifle in an almost hypnotic dance. She ducks and shifts, avoiding bullets and punches like she were born to do so. Kara take a second to assess the situation, making sure her sister and the woman she definitely is going to ask to be her girlfriend once they're out of here, can hold their own against Cadmus, and, deciding she can trust them, she starts a dance of her own.  
  
    Somehow, Lillian Luthor has managed to retreat to higher ground, and she’s standing on a metal platform, half hidden by a tall man with cyborg’s enhancements. His eyes shoot beams in a travesty of heat vision and he’s trying to get Kara as she flies around, disarming Cadmus’ seemingly endless flow of goons. He manages to get her once, square in the chest, and she pummels to the ground, immediately rising again from a small crater. She flies directly to him, but a powerful ray catches her on the side, and she crashes once more, right next to Lena who aggressively takes down a six feet tall woman before she can shoot Kara in the face.  
  
    "Thanks," Kara says, slightly out of breath when Lena pulls her to her feet.  
  
    "We need to get to her. Can you fly me up there ?"  
  
    In lieu of an answer, Kara grabs her under the armpits and they fly towards the platform, Lena arming her rifle in the mean time. Clearly, Lillian and her cyber bodyguard were not expecting such a move because they immediately start retreating towards a backdoor. Kara is quicker though, and she melts the handle off, effectively sealing the door and foiling their plan. The cyborg can’t seam to use his mock heat vision this close to them which is not her case and she uses it to melt his canon arm before he can blow Lena’s head. He staggers backward in surprise and Kara uses the momentum to punch him in the wall, using the wires in the reinforced concrete to lock him here. Up close, he looks like J’onn, but Kara refuses to acknowledge that ; if he’s J’onn, he’s gone beyond saving. She turns around just in time to see Lena swiping her mother's legs from under her, sending her to her knees. She aims the riffle at her head.  
  
    "You wouldn’t," Lillian Luthor says defiantly, staring right in her daughter's eyes, her chin held high.  
  
    "Try me," Lena bites back coldly, her finger already on the trigger.  
  
    But before Lena can go through with it, Lillian plunges her hand in her pocket, producing a small lump of Kryptonite with a devious smile. "Take me down and I take your little girlfriend with me."  
  
    For a split second, both Lena and Kara forget that Kara is wearing a shield, and it’s enough for Lillian to spring to her feet, disarming Lena and nearly sending her over the railing. Lena pushes herself away from the edge faster than her mother can follow, and, not bothering with retrieving her weapon, she punches her in the guts. "I’ve got this," she grunts to Kara, taking a heel to the stomach. "But Alex needs help." She lands a blow to Lillian shoulders, and Kara swears she hears it cracking, but can’t linger because indeed, Alex needs her help.  
  
    Her sister is surrounded by disarmed and wounded agents, but she’s in a close battle with a man twice as large as she is, and she’s loosing. Her face is covered in blood, and before Kara can get to her, she’s fallen backward, her gun away from her reach. The man puts a foot on her sternum, holding her down and not moving one bit when Alex grabs his foot to push him off. He readies his gun. Kara doesn’t think, only reacts.  
  
    Twin blue beams shoot from her eyes, straight to his arms. He lets go of his gun, but she doesn’t stop, cannot find the will in her to do so until his limbs are completely burned off and her terrifying scream have reduced the room to complete silent. The stench of sweat, blood and burnt flesh assault her senses, but she doesn't care. She just burnt someone's arms off.  
  
    She helps Alex off the floor and lets go off her hand as soon as she’s standing, acutely aware of her destructive powers. Slowly, she surveys the room. It’s littered with broken bodies, agents cradling their hands, their legs, and other just passed out. The few that can still walk are scrambling away from her, terror etched on their features. Up on the balcony, Lena has her mother in a headlock, her gun shoved against her temple. Dozens of heartbeats fill Kara's head and dizziness overtakes her, the room sways as she tries to make sense of the damage of what looks like a win for them but doesn't feel much like a happy moment.  
  
    On the far right of the room, a door shoots out of its hinges.  
  
    Kara sees the hooked sword first, with blood dripping down its blade. Then she takes in the sight of Sam, supporting a green individual with one arm and dragging a human shaped lump with the other. "I brought gifts," she says, abandoning the form on the ground in favour of helping J'onn to a seated position against her pod.  
  
    Alex reacts faster than Kara, and she’s already at J’onn sides while Kara is still looking at Ruby strutting through the door, unharmed, if only a bit ruffled. J'onn looks weakened, his green skin is covered in cuts and bruises and his left arm bares the mark of a catheter. He smiles at the sight of his Earth daughters, but Kara doesn't notice. Her eyes are fixed on the lump on the floor, recognising the strong after shave stench despite the smell of blood. Sam lightly shoves the point of her sword in Maxwell Lord’s side until he sits mostly straight. "What do you want to do with that ?" she spits with distaste. "He was going to experiment on Ruby but I know you’ve got grievance with him, so you can have him."  
  
    Kara knows what she wants to do. She doesn’t want to want it, but before she can really consider it, and stop herself, she’s already holding Lord by his throat. And she’s squeezing.  
  
    "She's the weapon," he says, limply pointing in Sam's direction. "Not the kid. She is." Kara squeezes harder. "Do it Supergirl," he crooks, "do it. Prove me I was right about you."  
  
    It's like RedK all over again. Kara's rational brain takes the backseat as hot white anger seize control of everything. Except this time it's not Kryptonite. It's her. She's the monster. And she's going to kill him on her own will.  
  
    A wall blows off, and Kara vaguely registers hundred of feet invading the room as she staggers sideway and lets go of Lord. Dark smoke invades her vision for a split second as the room shakes. Lena shouts. And Alex asks a question that she doesn't understand, says words that don’t make sense at all.  
  
    "Mister President ?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bremsstrahlung : literally "Braking radiation" or in our case when the solution to an incident ends up being worse than the incident. (See : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lead_shielding Lead is not effective against all types of radiation. High energy electrons (including beta radiation) incident on lead may create bremsstrahlung radiation, which is potentially more dangerous to tissue than the original radiation.)
> 
> The burning of the arms doesn't come from nowhere, if you're curious about this, you should read American Alien, it's a cool Superman story. At first I wanted her to just kill someone but I decided against it.


	28. How a superhero learns to fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The convenient villain speech that nobody asked for ^^
> 
> Title is from "Superhero" by The Script
> 
> Editing this proved to be quite difficult so I hope there aren't any wonky things left, otherwise, I'm sorry

    The smoke dissipates and Kara wish it hadn't. There's an army here. A whole fucking army. All the exits are blocked and the room is filled to the brim with soldiers armed to their teeth. Their guns can't hurt her, and they seem to know that, because they've got their weapons trained on Alex and Lena instead. Amongst them, President Baker stands cockyly in a shiny black suit with no protective gear. In his eyes shines the knowledge that no one will dare to make a move against him, not when he has the power to end everything with a snap of his fingers. He doesn't need Kryptonite to take Supergirl down, nobody ever did ; a gun aimed at her sister's head is enough. Nonetheless, Kara goes for a second thunderclap, bringing down the first few ranks like dominos.   
  
    It's not good enough.   
  
    Those who fell scramble back up too quickly and she hesitates for a second too long, because they're not hateful Cadmus agents, they're soldiers. Something powerful rams into her chest, and she shoots backward, crushing bodies under hers. She vaguely registers President Baker holding what might be a bazooka before a second blow hits her and things become a little blurry as the pain of the two blows appears at once. Sam joins her a second later on the pile of bodies, hitting herself with her own sword under the force of the alien weapon. The blade catches the side of her face, peeling back a layer of skin. She looks surprised, dazed, as blood starts running down her tired face, mixing in with dust and tears.   
  
    Ruby screams for her mother, running towards her at a speed that isn't completely human. Baker aims at her, and suddenly Sam isn't next to Kara anymore, she's in the air, intercepting the ray with her own body. When she crumples to the ground, she doesn't get back up. Alex's visceral scream mixes in with Ruby's as they both run towards her. Ruby slides down to her knees next to her mother, but Alex doesn't make it. Kara watches her being pummeled to the ground by ten soldiers thrice her size as another blow hits her, preventing her from getting to her in time. This time when she falls, it's with a perfect view of Lillian with a gun to Lena's head. The wound on her head has reopened, and her face is covered with cuts and bruises. There are words on the tip of her tongue, and something in her eyes, regrets maybe, a longing for more time, for five more minutes, for another quiet morning in bed together. Her heartbeat is erratic, and it contrasts all the more with Alex's almost non existent one.   
  
    Her sister's heartbeat is fading, each thump slower than the last and she can hear the shallow cracks on  her ribs spreading with each struggling breath. She pushes herself to her feet, not giving her own physical pain the honor of being acknowledged, and staggers towards Baker. Still holding the alien bazooka, he produces a handgun from his inside pocket, and aims it straight at Alex. "If you take one more step, I'm putting a bullet in her brain." He motions to the ground, disgust twisting his features. "On your knees Supergirl. Hands where I can see them. I'd have someone read you your rights, but you don't have any."  
  
    Kara drops to her knees without a second thought, the ground cracking like thunder when her body makes contact with it. Slowly, she brings her hands behind her head, trying to look as little threatening as possible. She's shaking so hard though, that the only thing she could scare away is a bedridden fly.   
  
    They came in here as a team, and now she's on her own. Because she failed everyone.  
  
    Her sister, her friend, and the woman she should have called her girlfriend sooner. Her family. She’s let everyone down.  
  
    Having her heart ripped out of her chest would be less painful. For the first time in her life, she wishes she could feel the Kryptonite she can see inside of Baker's pocket, so her pain could be physical, so her body could be ripped in pieces by something other than the impending death of her loved ones.  
  
    "Well, this was surprisingly easy," Baker sneers.  
  
    Behind them, Lillian scoffs, and mumbles something about doing all the work. It's followed by a brief scuffle, and a thud, as Lena presumably seizes the opportunity to overtake her mother. At least it's not the sound of a bullet.  
  
    "I'll admit," Baker continues, "that when Lillian Luthor, of all people, approached me with the request to rekindle Project Cadmus, I was more than a bit skeptical. Experimenting on aliens, how satisfying and profiting it might be, was something of the past." A disgusting smile stretches on his face. "Someone gets that kid down !" he barks suddenly, brusquely interrupting his irritating speech. Out of the corner of her eye, Kara notices Ruby slowly, and uncontrollably, floating to the ceiling, a look of surprise and mild distress on her face.   
  
    "This," Baker says, motioning at Ruby and resuming is train of thought, "is exactly why I agreed. You're everywhere. You've invaded and corrupted our society to its very core. And it was time we took it back. With sizable profit, and the unmissable opportunity to advance humanity in the process. And we couldn't have dreamed of a better socio-political context ! After Superman's little stunt in Metropolis, people started to understand what your kind really is. Dangerous."  
  
    "It was Lex," Kara says impulsively.  
  
    Baker clicks his tongue, carelessly waving his gun in Alex's direction. "If it weren't for aliens, his brilliant mind would have never snapped. Such a heroic man. A true loss for society."  
  
    "My brother is a deranged xenophobic terrorist, he's no hero !" Lena's voice rings out from behind them, immediately followed, to Kara's ears only, by the shifting of the gun against her temple.  
  
    "Isn't he ? People love heroes, people rally behind them, people joined his cause."   
  
    "People rallied behind Supergirl," Alex says weakly, coughing blood as she tries, and fails, to get upright. A heavy boot pushes on her back, keeping her on the ground, and she whimpers in pain.  
  
    "People can be misguided," Baker spits, "they were manipulated by her angelic face and her cheerleader skirt. But when they'll see how much we learned, what illnesses we could cure, all the problems we could solve, by dissecting aliens, they'll be lining up to cut her open."  
  
    "Supergirl is loved !" Lena shouts from the balcony before grunting in pain, the telltale sound of a bone shifting the wrong way reaching Kara's ears.  
  
    "Why am I alive ?" Kara asks, with more fiercelessness than she really has.  
  
    "I just needed some more time to make people hate you," Baker says with an out of place smile. "Lord's skimpy plan failed, but Lillian here assured me that she had a way of retrieving a powerful weapon to launch against you, to push you to insanity. I'll admit I'm a bit disappointed by her so called weapon, but I'll make do with what I have." He shrugs, both of his weapon dangerously following the movement of his body. "Did you know," Baker continues conversationally, "that we can cure cancer with thanagarian DNA ? They don't survive the procedure, but it's not really a problem. I wonder what could be done with your body. I'm sure Doctor Luthor has plenty of ideas."   
  
    "So that's it ?" Kara asks bewildered. "That's your evil plan ? Cut me open to advance humanity ? You know I would have helped willingly, right ?"  
  
    "Evil plan ? Really ?" Baker repeats, his face twisting like he's trying to arch an eyebrow. "That's a bit of a strong word coming from a monster like you. I simply wish to help my fellow human beings. And be remembered for it. Maybe they'll add my face to Mount Rushmore for that."  
  
    "You're crazy," Alex sputters from the ground.  
  
    The bullet lodges itself in the ground, an inch away from her head. "Do you have a death wish Agent Danvers ?" Baker taunts, "because I'll happily comply."  
  
    "Take me !" Kara yells, the words tearing out of her throat with an ugly cry. "Take me ! Just do what you want, cut me open, kill me. But let them go. Please, let them go !"  
  
    Something wet is running down her face ; it's too thick to be tears, but too fluid to be just blood, and when a wracking sob shakes her body and she tastes copper and salt on her tongue, she realises it's both. She's not crying for herself, her death has been a long time coming, and now Rao is waiting for her. She's crying for those she's leaving behind by giving herself up. Alex, who might survive but won't have a body to grieve on. Lena, who will live, but who she won't be able to hold through the trauma. Sam, who might never wake up, and if she does, will have to live without anyone to tell her about their planet. Eliza, who took her in as her own and is waiting for her to come home.   
  
    Kara is going home, just not this one.   
  
    A bright light briefly shines in front of her and she wonders idly, if that's it, if it's over, if Baker forgone dissection and plainly shot her. It's not Rao's light though, it's heat vision. She realises that when another burst lands just at her feet and she looks up to see Ruby in a corner of the ceiling, trying to get her attention as soldiers pile up trying to reach her. She's holding a battered cellphone in her hand, and it's aimed right at Baker. "You're live," Ruby mouth. "You're live," she whispers again, when Kara's only reaction is an incredulous look on her blood stained face.   
  
_"We're live Miss Grant."_  
  
    Kara shakes her head, blinking away the hazy memory of what feels like years ago ; but it still breathes back something into her, and she straightens up. If she's going out, she's going out with a bang.  
  
    "Take me," she says her voice shaking slightly. "Dissect me, cut me open, hang me for everyone to see. But it won't change anything, because you'll have turn me into a martyr, and people will still stand by what I gave them. Hope." Her voice is stronger now, assertive, and though she's still on her knees, she brings her fists to her hips, assuming half of her powerful pose. "When all of this is done, when I'm gone, hope will remain. People will remember me as a hero, as a beacon of light. And they will remember you as a creep who experimented on alien for his own benefit. I will be the alien who stood by them, and you will be the human who supported terrorists. You can fool yourself all you want, but you will not fool them. And I might die today, or tomorrow under the scalpel of the atrocious mother of the woman I love," Kara swallows thickly, pausing at the words that escaped her when she wished she would have had months to get ready to say them. "But I will rest assured knowing that I'll be remembered and that they will rise against you. Hope doesn't die with me."   
  
    A heavy blow to the chest interrupts her, but it only makes her smile, because Baker is aiming his weapon at her again, completely disinterested in Alex who is staggering up, crouched, banged up, but no longer half dead on the ground. Kara coughs up, blood and saliva trailing down past her lips. She looks up at Ruby, staring straight in the lens. It's hard to say her final words, and she wishes she had more time, but she goes on nonetheless.  
  
     "I lost myself for a little while. But I have faith now. I have faith that everybody who's out there will remember that they matter, their opinion matter, their strength matter, and if they stick together, humans and aliens, they will never be alone. I'll live on through all of you." She smiles, and she knows it's a crooked smile, a pained smile, but it will be her last, and she wants to leave smiling. "Hope doesn't die with me."  
  
    Baker is closer now, she can smell is sweat, and his stenched breath, the next time he presses the trigger will be the last. "Are you done Supergirl ? Because I'm losing my patience here."   
  
    And then he crumbles on her.  
  
    A tall blonde is standing in his place ready to swing her rifle again if he so much as twitches. "No Mister President," she says, "you're done." A loud bang resonates behind her and Kara whirls around just in time to see Lillian falling over the banister, Lena standing triumphantly with a fuming gun in her left hand, her right arm hanging limply.   
  
    "Major Cameron Chase," the woman says, bringing Kara's attention back to her. "My men and I are with you."  
  
    Kara knows she ought to say something, to thank Major Chase in some way. But she's all out of words, and when she pushes Baker off of her, his slumpy weight is replaced by bone deep exhaustion. Breathing isn't much easier than it was moments ago, and it's not right because it should, now that the world is no longer crashing down on her. The room is too crowded, too loud, even as soldiers start filtering out, taking their prisoners with them until there's only a dozen of them left and three medics hovering over Sam and Alex as Lena's arm is put into a sling.   
  
    Kara wills herself to move, even though her bones seems to have been turned to lead. She floats to the ceiling, and, after gently kissing her dusty forehead, she cradles Ruby in her arms, and carries her back to her mother. Sam has opened her eyes, and her face is already mending itself, the skin closing on around the wound. "I'll teach you how to sword fight," Kara says before walking off.  
  
    "I took fencing lessons in high school," Sam replies, sounding more offended that she has the right to after knocking herself out with her own sword.  
  
    "I'll teach you how to fight like a Kryptonian," Kara says without looking back, trying to force air into her lungs. "I trained with House Zod. I know what I'm talking about."  
  
    Sam doesn't answer, wrapped up in Ruby, and Kara's next stop is Alex, who's strapped to a gurney and dozed by painkillers. She wipes her greasy hair out of her eyes and forces herself to look at all the bruises forming on her sister's face. She's battered, but she's hanging on, her heartbeat slightly erratic, but strong. She's alive. She's alive. She is alive. Kara lets the thought invade her mind, until the knowledge that Alex is still here is strong with her.  
  
    Only then does she make her way to Lena, stopping only when her injured arm gets in the way, their bodies brushing with each strangled breath.   
  
    "We need to talk about your stupid sense of self sacrifice," Lena crooks, her voice pushing around the bruises on her neck.  
  
    "We need to talk about antagonising your mother when she's got a gun pressed to your head," Kara bites back, slightly angry, but mostly scared.  
  
    Lena leans over, and kisses her. It's gentle, and slow, because her lips are bloody and painful, but finally, finally Kara can breathe again. The soldiers' presence, the tightness of the room, the stench of blood and sweat, the strange warmth of burnt flesh ; it all recedes to the background as everything becomes Lena.  
  
    Eventually, they have to leave the battle field behind to get back to the surface. Thankfully, they don’t have to go through the sewers again, the blown wall opening directly in Catco’s basement. They make a strange party, with Sam clinging to Alex’s gurney and Ruby clinging to Sam, the three of them taking most of the place in the elevator while Lena leans on Kara, her legs having finally caught up with what happened.   
  
    The ride up is bumpy, and as the elevator moves shakily, Kara considers all the possible outcomes for the future of the building which foundations were probably damaged beyond repair. Admittedly it's not the best way to calm down, but at least this way she can pretend she doesn't hear the multiple TVs above them recounting her confrontation with Baker.  
  
    The elevator rattles worryingly as they make it through another basement level, and Kara can already hear Cat berating her for destroying her building. She chuckles at the thought, ignoring the worried looks at her strange behaviour. She doesn't want to explain why the memory of Cat yelling at her about lukewarmed lattes makes her feel eerily happy and safe. Realistically, she knows she's in shock. But Lena is warm and pressed up against her, Alex's heart is still beating, and Cat is going to be mad at her ; it's okay.  
  
    They grind to a halt in the atrium, the doors opening to dust and cracked walls and askwed TVs. They flicker out of the elevator, Alex wheeled on her gurney by two paramedics with Sam at her side and Ruby on their tail. Kara doesn't know if she's walking slowly or if the atrium has tripled in size since the last time she was here, but it feels like ages before she reaches the missing glass front doors. She hesitates before crossing them, but eventually, the call of the sunlight is stronger than the pressure she feels at the dozens of cameras aimed at her, the reporters held at bay by fences and soldiers. Lena is by her side, her hand comfortingly wrapped around hers, and it's together that they step in the daylight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice that I've put up the final chapter count again, and this time, it's final (well okay I might add an epilogue but you know ^^)


	29. Aftermarth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started typing this in french which a testament to how tired I am these days ^^ 
> 
> Anyway, title for this chapter was inspired by "Science" by Framing Hanley even if it's literally just one word.
> 
> Some things are answered in this chapter.
> 
> I can't think of anything clever to say

    Paperwork should be the least of Kara's worries ; yet, paperwork is what she's doing. She's changed into DEO sweats. They feel weird against her skin, a distant reminder of her former life, and a sickening memory of the last time she wore DEO clothes. But it's better than her mud and blood covered combat suit.  
  
    Lena is napping on the couch, tucked under Kara's old cape that she retrieved from the artifacts room after kicking Haley out of her office. She doesn't even know why Haley moved into her office, she had her own and this one is smaller, and doesn't even have a window. It's probably a power thing and it's really annoying, because now the place smells like her, a too strong perfume and acid sweat, and it does nothing to help Kara concentrate on the files in front of her. J'onn wants her to get up to speed. She doesn't want to, but he's injured, and weakened, and she won't tell him that, not yet. Because truth is, Kara doesn't want to go back out there. For all her words about hope and heroism, she isn't sure she can be Supergirl anymore. She crippled a man, and nearly killed another. And it's not that she's never killed before, but this time it's different. This time, she wanted to.  
  
    Lena moves in her sleep, whimpering when the new position puts pressure on her injured arm. Unfortunately, Lillian isn't dead, the bitch survived. The thought isn't disturbing, the lack of guilt Kara feels towards it is. The fall didn't kill her, and she's been taken into custody along with Baker and Lord. They're locked in the DEO somewhere below her feet, in place of the aliens they released the moment they received the order from Vice President Marsdin. She's giving a speech right now, and though Kara isn't watching it, she can still hear it on the radio a couple of rooms over.  
  
    On the couch, Lena opens her eyes and straightens up, the cape pooling around her waist. She's wearing a form fitting tank top, to accommodate her injuries, and it's mildly distracting. "Go back to sleep. If they know you're awake they're going to drown you in NDAs about secret identities and the likes."  
  
    Lena yawns adorably, stretching her functioning arm above her head. "Bollocks."  
  
    "My thoughts exactly."  
  
    "How is everyone ?"  
  
    "Sam is taking a nap under sun lamps with Ruby. She tried to bite Doctor Veritas’ head off when she suggested we tested her."  
  
    Lena chuckles, grimacing when it jolts her bad arm. "Poor timing. And how is Alex ?"  
  
    "She's awake. Amped on painkillers and barking orders left and right. And her crush on Olivia Marsdin is shining through."  
  
    "The Vice President ?" Lena asks, arching a teasing eyebrow and no doubt planning to use this information against Alex later on.  
  
    "Yeah. Apparently, she's drafting an Alien Amnesty Act as we speak."  
  
    "That's a good thing right ?"  
  
    "I think it is."  
  
    "How are you ?" Lena asks in a soft voice after a stretch of silence.  
  
    "I," Kara sighs. "I don't think I'm okay."  
  
    "Come take a nap with me," Lena offers, beckoning her with a finger.  
  
    "I have work to do. We have registries of everyone who was taken, I'm trying to find who was abducted by Cadmus. And then I have to read this gigantic file on me. And this one on the ratio between number of arrests and agents so we can know who to trust and then I..."  
  
    "Can't it wait ?" Lena cuts gently. "Or can't somebody else do it ?"  
  
    "J'onn asked me."  
  
    "Well J'onn is undisposed right now, and I don't think he meant for you to do everything today. So come take a nap with me. Just ten minutes. You need to rest too."  
  
    Kara sighs again ; emptying her lungs of air like it will magically empty her head too. Her eyes shift between Lena and the pile of files, several times, until she ultimately rises from her chair, with far more difficulty than this simple gesture should entail, and she makes her way to the couch. Lena shuffles until there's enough room for the both of them, and Kara wraps her arms around her, careful not to put too much pressure on her arm, wary of injuring her further. She buries her nose in the crook of her neck and inhales deeply, allowing the world around her to become just Lena.  
  
    But sleep doesn’t come, not to her, and not to Lena either. She tries her best not to move too much, infinitely aware of the fragile girl in her arms, but after a while, the position she settled in becomes painful and she has to shift, carefully moving Lena with her.  
  
    "Can’t sleep ?" Lena asks in a throaty tired voice.  
  
    "You’re not asleep either," Kara says, deflecting the question.  
  
    "Something on your mind ?" Lena prompts with a hint of hesitancy, like she’s pondering if she should ask anything at all.  
  
    "Just Ruby and Sam."  
  
    "What about them ?"  
  
    "Lord said something about Sam, before I, you know..." Kara replies with a vague gesture of the hand. "He said Sam was the weapon, not Ruby. And it makes sense, for an adult Kryptonian to be considered like that. But if that’s the case, why did they took Ruby instead ? It looks like they made a mistake, and I just don’t understand how."  
  
    "Could they have tracked her with the pod ?"  
      
    "Theoretically they could have, it’s what makes the most sense. But I don’t see how. I thought it could have been the sunstone, but it seems to be more of a genetic suppressor that allowed Sam to blend in for so long, so, I don’t know."  
  
    "Sam had a necklace when we met," Lena says slowly, still thinking about it though she’s already wording her idea. "From her birth parents. She showed it to me when we drunkenly shared our sad adoption stories. She gave it to Ruby on her first day of preschool, and I don’t think she ever took it off. Could that be it ?"  
  
    "It could. I mean I’d have to see it, but it makes sense."  
  
    "Sam’s going to feel so bad about this..." Lena says, her words struggling to get out.  
  
    "Maybe we should wait before telling her. At least until we’re not here. She doesn’t need anything else on her plate."  
  
    "So you’re going to take this burden all for yourself ?" Lena’s voice is tiptoeing on the edge of reproach, but Kara choses not to dwell on it.  
  
    "That’s what I do," she says with an aborted shrug, any other words swallowed by a yawn.  
  
    "Sleep," Lena says, choosing not to argue, pushing away the tension in her body.  
  
    "I don’t know if I can."  
  
    "Try, please."  
      
***  
  
   _"She’s asleep,"_ is a bit of a strange thing to hear when one is indeed sleeping, and it’s what alerts Kara to the fact that she is very much awake. She doesn't remember falling asleep in the first place, having only had the intention of resting her eyes for a minute to appease Lena, but she does feel more rested now that when she lied down with her earlier.  
  
    "She's sleeping and she has the right to do so. She needs to rest."  
  
    Kara opens her eyes in two slits, trying to get a better sense of what's happening without giving away the fact that she's awake to whoever wants to talk to her. Lena is standing in the doorway, blocking the way of a DEO agent a head taller than her.  
  
    "She's needed out there. We still need to consolidate the building and retrieve everything Cadmus left behind."  
  
    "You better be kidding," Lena says, her voice harsh and her shoulders tensed with anger. "You better be bloody kidding. You don't get to do that."  
  
    "With all due respect Ma'am..."  
  
    "... oh don't Ma'am me you bloody looser. Your people don't get to banish her away only to use her when it's convenient again. She almost died today, twice. Right now she needs sleep, and time to heal."  
  
    The door slams like a shotgun and Kara startles, before schooling her features into pretend sleep.  
  
    The end of the couch sags when Lena sits again. "He's gone. You can stop pretending you're sleeping."  
  
    "How...?" A yawn swallows the end of Kara's question and she opens her eyes to find Lena looking at her with a soft smile.  
  
    "Your breathing sounds different when you're asleep." Lena shrugs. "You should know that though. I'm not the one with superhearing."  
  
    "Thanks for keeping them at bay."  
  
    "I figured you wouldn't want to go out there right now. You're tired."  
  
    "You're right," Kara says a bit curtly, her heart clenching painfully. "I don't want to go out."  
  
    "Not now ?" Lena asks when Kara doesn't elaborate. "Or not ever ?"  
  
    "Not ever. Or. I don't know. I'm not feeling great right now. Can we talk about this later ?"  
  
    "Of course we can," Lena replies with the softest voice, but with no trace of the pity Kara fears she's going to receive from everyone else. "Do you want to sleep some more or do you want to do something ?"  
  
    "Can we go see Alex and Sam ? In the med bay ?"  
  
    "If that's what you want to do, nothing is stopping us."  
  
***  
  
    "Finally came to take a sun-nap ?" Alex asks with her patent teasing big sister smile the moment they step foot in the med bay.  
  
    It makes Kara want to step right out and go back to her small office to lock herself up. Because how can she decently explain to all of them, when everybody is happy and relieved to just be alive, that she won't expose herself to sun lamps, and that she won't eat, because she doesn't want to replenish her powers, she doesn't want to be dangerous. Instead, she deflects the question : "How are you feeling ?"  
  
    "Like I’ve been hit by several trains. But it’s okay."  
      
    It most definitely isn't, but Kara doesn't want to argue with her.  
  
    "You don’t look fine though," Alex adds when Kara says nothing.  
  
    "It’s just a bit of a weird situation. I don’t know how to feel."  
  
    "Have you eaten anything ?" Alex asks with concern. "Shouldn't you be resting ?"  
  
    "Shouldn't you ?" Kara fires back with decreasing interest in the conversation.  
  
    "I am resting," Alex replies somewhat petulantly which prompts Lena to chuckle, the vibrations of her laugh reverberating in Kara.  
  
    "You're managing the DEO from your hospital bed," she says before Kara can muster a reply. "I don't call that resting."  
  
    Alex sighs, averting her eyes to the side, looking at Sam and Ruby who are quietly talking under sun lamps, and then at J'onn who's hooked to ten different devices and looks asleep. "You've got a point," she says, "but J'onn isn't in shape to do it, and I can't let these people in charge. I mean, just because a hot blonde offered us an army doesn't mean we can trust them."  
  
    "You," Lena starts, casting a glance at Kara's tensed features. "You make a compelling argument. But I still think you should take it easy."  
  
    "Well, you're on your feet aren't you ?"  
  
    "I wasn't pummeled to near death. And I took a nap. So did Kara. Though I did had to drag her away from work."  
  
    Lena's hand slides down Kara's arm, prying her stiffed fingers apart so she can thread hers between them. Kara melts at the touch, her muscles slacking a little, almost imperceptibly. To outsiders, she still looks ready to pounce, but Lena can feel her relaxing beside her, and Alex doesn't miss her glare softening ever so slightly.  
  
    "Cameron came to talk to me," Kara says to no one in particular, trying to shift the attention away from herself. "While you were asleep," she adds for Lena’s benefit.  
  
    "Cameron ?" Alex and Lena ask as one.  
  
    "Major Chase."  
  
    "Oh, so you’re on first name basis," Lena states, tensing slightly. "Well, I guess she did saved your life."  
  
    "Kara saved herself," Alex cuts before Kara can say anything. "They were lowering their weapons before Chase even took the first step to knock that bastard out."  
  
    "They were ?" Kara asks puzzled, "I didn’t notice anything."  
  
    "Because you were dead set on laying your life for us," Alex sneers, though it’s more out of fear than of anger.  
  
    "What did she tell you ?" Lena asks softly, counteracting Alex’s virulence.  
  
    "She came to apologize actually. It was a bit weird. She said she was only doing her duty and that she was sorry for taking so long to realise that what they were doing was wrong. And that she had no idea of what was happening to the aliens after they were taken into custody."  
  
    "Taken into custody ?" Alex repeats, her mouth twisting, "that’s a weird way of spelling abducted."  
  
    "She admitted she was a bit scared of, well, people like me, I guess," Kara continues, "she was part of the soldiers deployed in Metropolis to help after Lex’s attack."  
  
    "A lot of people were," Alex says, "scared I mean. Baker and Lillian did well with their propaganda."  
  
    "And a lot of people weren’t," Lena adds, "my mother was just always very good at getting the right people at her side."  
  
    "It’s a good thing Chase and her men stopped being scared when they did, or following their orders, whichever it was," Kara says tiredly, her body screaming at her to end this debate of good and bad and scared. "I just hope they won’t get in trouble for it."  
  
    "I don’t think they will, Marsdin will probably do something for them," Alex says with a sudden smile that’s bordering on dreamy. "And I suppose she’ll want to talk to you. And maybe to Sam too."  
  
    "How are they doing ?" Kara asks, nodding towards Sam and Ruby in an attempt to divert the conversation from herself before she becomes everybody's sole subject of attention again.  
  
    "I think they're okay," Alex says with a soft smile. "Or they will be. They were arguing about soccer earlier so it can't be too bad."  
  
    "I should totally still be allowed to play soccer !" Ruby shouts from the other side of the room. "I might have superhearing," she adds, justifying her eavesdropping with a somewhat bashful grin.  
  
    "I used to be in the track team. In high school," Kara interjects before wincing, realising that maybe she should let Sam handle her own daughter. "If you get a hang on your powers, you should still be able to play soccer," she continues when Sam doesn't react beyond a playful eye-roll.  
  
    "Will you train me ?" Ruby asks excitedly, kicking the ground to launch her wheeled stool, and herself, across the room. She nearly barrels into Alex's bed, stopped only by Kara's quick foot.  
  
    "Your mum can train you," Kara replies, glancing from side to side, looking anywhere but at Ruby and her mother.  
  
    "Mum doesn't want to," Ruby says, crossing her arms sullenly.  
  
    Sighting, Sam pushes herself of her bed and makes a beeline for the impromptu gathering happening away from her. "I did not say no Rubes, I said we would talk about it. I understand that you want for things to stay normal, but it could be dangerous."  
  
    "And I said I was fine ! I don't need you to baby me."  
  
    "You don't have to pretend to be fine," Kara cuts, feeling the crushing need to appease the situation. "Superhearing," she adds pointing to her ear with a smile. "I can hear what's going on inside of your body. And so can your mum. We know you’re freaking out. It's okay to want to be brave, but you should know that yourself included, four of us have been kidnapped at least once, so we understand."  
  
    "I just want to play soccer !"  
  
    "And we can play together," Kara says quietly. "Until things settle down. You'll have to teach me though."  
  
    "Alright..." Ruby says begrudgingly.  
  
    "Thank you," Sam mouths behind her daughter, which is utterly useless since said daughter can now hear everything.  
  
    Kara doesn't reply, not even with a smile. She stepped in as much for herself, if not more, than for Ruby and Sam. She needs for things to be okay and peaceful, if only a little.  
  
    Ruby is still in a fool mood, her face frozen in a frown that could lead to early wrinkles, if Kryptonians could get wrinkles on this planet which Kara still isn’t sure of. She doesn't start smiling again until Alex promises she'll be in the front row when she makes the US women's national team. Sam looks at them with a lazy smile and when Lena leans fully into her side, Kara tunes into her heartbeat and flickers in and out of the conversation content to, for a while, just be happy for a child who's excited about her favourite sport. For a moment, she forgets about waiting for the other shoe to drop, she forgets to scrutinize Ruby anticipating the moment she's going to snap, she forgets about her fear of her own powers. That is until her half tuned brain hears an offhand comment from Ruby about missing a match from her favourite team because she was in a torture cell and Lena's heart spikes up before she straightens up quickly enough to startle even Kara.  
  
    "I need to pay a visit to my dear mother," she says coldly, anger simmering on the tip of her tongue.  
  
    "I wanted to interrogate her sooner," Alex interjects, "but Doctor Veritas threatened to strap me to the bed so it'll have to wait until I'm cleared."  
  
    "I said I was going to go see my mother Alex," Lena replies briskly. "A family reunion is long overdue and doesn't necessarily fall under whatever your jurisdiction is right now."  
  
    "Oh, I was just giving you a status on how things are," Alex says, raising her feeble hands in surrender. "I wasn't trying to prevent you from going."  
  
    "Are you sure it's wise ?" Kara interrupts, worry seeping into her voice despite herself. "She tried to kill you."  
  
    "She's locked up in a cell, where she belongs. She can't hurt me. Now you can either come with me, or stay here, but I'm going."  
  
    "I'll go with you," Kara says softly, taking all the gentleness in the world to put it in these few words. There is no way she's going to let Lena go through that alone, no way, she's going to give Lillian another opportunity to harm her.  
  
***  
  
    The jail level is uncannily silent, like the DEO improved the prisoners' living quarters to be completely soundproof. Kara doesn't want to think about how they probably did, how the cries of the aliens they detained here were probably gut wrenching. She doesn't want to have to think about it, yet she does it ; she has to. She has to acknowledge what they did, she has to remember.  
  
    Lillian is detained on the far right of the corridor, in the very last cell. Kara bypasses hers without looking at it, without pointing it out ; she doesn't want Lena to get angrier than she already is. Maxwell Lord is sleeping in the cell right next to Lillian's. They gave him painkillers that he doesn't deserve but definitely needs, his skin black and blue. Kara averts her eyes ; looking at him makes her want to strangle him again.  
  
    Lena adjusts a couple of parameters on a panel on the side, figuring it out quicker than Kara can remember how it works, and suddenly, she can hear the life inside of the cell, the beating of a heart, breathing reverberating on the too close walls, clothes and skin rubbing on the hard bed when Lillian sits up with an out of place smile. She struggles for a moment, her right leg in a cast that she needs but doesn't deserve ; Kara takes pleasure in it, and feels guilty because she doesn't feel guilty.  
  
    Lena is standing straight as an arrow, her shoulders tensed in a way that must be painful. Her injured arm gets in the way of the powerful stance she wants to assume but she does her best to exude strength. From the front, she probably looks frightening, but the death grip she keeps on Kara's hand tells another story. She's using the arm she clasped behind her back to keep herself steady to discreetly squeeze the life out of Kara's fingers. Kara finds as much comfort in this as Lena does.  
  
    It helps, knowing that Lena is here, that she's alive and well, if only a little bruised and battered ; it helps, feeling her skin against hers, hearing her heart beating and her lungs filling with air ; her presence helps because if she weren't here, Kara isn't sure she'd manage not to tear Lillian to pieces. In other circumstances, it would be a scary thought, but Kara is tired of being afraid, and she squashes it to the back of her mind.  
  
    "I was wondering when you were going to pay me a visit," Lillian says with too much snark for an imprisoned woman.  
  
    "Why did you do that ?" Lena says, cutting straight to the chase.  
  
    "Oh, straight to the point then ?" Lillian asks with a little smile that Kara wants to punch off her face. "I suppose tea is out of the question too then ?"  
  
    "Stop playing games mother. We're all out of patience for that."  
  
    Lillian sighs deeply, her breath bouncing annoyingly on the walls. She tries to cross her legs, realises she can't and crosses her arms instead, repressing a wince when the new posture puts pressure on her fresh bruises. "You do know that I made great scientific advancements in the last few months. Surely that counts for something ?"  
  
    "You tortured aliens."  
  
    "In the grand scheme of things, a few lives aren't worth much. Everybody's got to pay their due to the world."  
  
    "And what did you pay to earn the right to exist ?" Lena snarls, her anger breaching her composure. "What did you give to the universe to own the right to be a terrible person ?"  
  
    "I took you in," Lillian replies matter-of-factly, like she cannot fathom why Lena needs to ask this question, like she doesn't understand why this simple answer isn't obvious to everyone. "I took you in, raised you, and had to see everyday the physical incarnation of my husband's lack of love for me. That's what I paid to keep my life and my status."  
  
    "So all of this is my fault then ?" Lena asks bitterly, trying to vaguely wave around before she remembers with a wince that her arm is incapacitated. "Thoroughly unsurprising coming from you but still, way to pin all your shit on me."  
  
    "Swearing is unattractive Lena."  
  
    "I don't give a fuck mother."  
  
    Kara smiles, proud of the woman next to her for standing her ground, even if it's by way of swearing. She feels her grin tugging at her cheeks and doesn't find it in her to school her features back to something more appropriate to confront an evil mastermind.  
  
    "Tell me Supergirl," Lillian says, abruptly switching her attention to the hero. "How much did she paid you for this little stunt ? Pretending to love her must have gotten you some good money."  
  
    "There is no pretense in this," Kara replies, the coldness of her voice inversely proportional to her feelings for Lena.  
  
    "Now that's just ridiculous. How can anyone love such a damaged thing ?"  
  
    "And who's fault is that ?"  
  
    "Just tell me how much she paid you and I'll tell you everything you want to know."  
  
    "700.000 dollars," Lena says just as Kara replies "She didn't pay me. What I feel for Lena is real no matter how hard it is for your pea sized brain to understand."  
  
    Lena turns towards her, a weak smile on her lips and pain in her eyes. Kara doesn't hesitate, and tugs her in for a soft kiss. When she tries to step back, Lena follows after her, bringing their mouths back together and gingerly bitting her lower lip. Lillian scoffs at the display of affection ; and before Kara closes her eyes again, she sees Lena raising her injured arm to give her the finger.  
  
    "Now," Kara says when they turn their attention back to the woman in the cell, "we don't have all day. Mind answering a few questions so we can get this over with ?" She smirks, cocking her head to the side before adding : "If you play nice, I'll even have a blanket brought down for you. And crossword. It gets quite chilly and lonely down there, as I'm sure you'll quickly realise."  
  
    "I deserve a trial," Lillian says, her apparent assurance betrayed by the internal raging of her body.  
  
    "Oh you'll have a trial," Lena bites.  
  
    "As soon as we're done with you," Kara adds, "which could take quite some time depending on if you're willing to cooperate."  
  
    "Do you even have the credentials to lead an interrogation Supergirl ?"  
  
    "No idea," Kara replies with a practiced casual shrug. "Guess they shouldn't have let me back here."  
  
    Again, she cocks her head to the side, a threatening smile stretching on her face. It should frighten her, how easy it is for her to slip into the darkest parts of herself, but they don't have time for that.  
  
    Lillian sighs again, her breath reverberating irritatingly inside the small enclosed room. "Alright Supergirl, what can I tell you to appease you."  
  
    "The truth," Kara replies harshly at the same time Lena does.  
  
    "And how can you be sure I'll tell you the truth ?"  
  
    "It's to your advantage. Because I won't hesitate to make your life a living hell. And I know you know I can." Kara smiles again, that twisted angry smile that looks so unnatural on her ; and she's glad Lena isn't looking at her right now, because she isn't sure she'd survive scaring her away. Looking at Lillian makes her bristle with tendrils of hatred, her need to tear her apart is a gut reaction. "I also have someone who can double check everything that comes out of your mouth."  
  
    "The Martian right ? Fascinating creature."  
  
    "It's a person," Lena seethes before Kara can punch a hole through the glass.  
  
    "Where are the others ?"  
  
    "We used the DEO desert facility as a transfer base. Some are in experimentation chambers under Catco. Those you can't find, are dead." A satisfied smirk crosses Lillian battered face and Kara wants nothing more than to tear it off, but Lena is holding her hand, so she doesn't.  
  
    "Why wasn't I taken with them ?"  
  
    "Baker and I had a disagreement regarding what we should do with you," Lillian shrugs, and both Kara and Lena take great satisfaction in the wince it elicits. "I wanted to cut you open, but he feared the inevitable backlash if this particular information were to leak out. So we decided it would be easier if people were to forget about you first. But people, stupid victims hang up on their heroes, they kept talking about you, they kept waiting for you to return. No matter what was said on TV, no matter how much we tried to make you look like the bad guy, they still loved you. So, without talking to Baker, I devised a plan of my own. I wanted to draw you out, to induce a final, brutal, confrontation, that would definitely crush your icon status."  
  
    "That's where Ruby comes into play..." Lena murmurs. "Why Ruby ?"  
  
    "Right, the brat." Lillian sighs again, and Kara is starting to find this specific action very annoying. "A couple of months ago, a pod was retrieved from an abandoned farm. The owner passed away, I don't know, I don't care. Imagine my delighted surprise when I realised it was a kryptonian pod. I had to have it."  
  
    "So you decided to just steal it ?" Kara asks, words barely understandable through her gritted teeth. She’s fighting hard to remain calm, waiting for Lillian to confirm her theory that it’s the pod that lead her to Sam and Ruby, but her composure is on its last legs.  
  
    "Well, I wasn't going to ask, was I ? Anyway, I studied it, and realised it was linked to something, someone, a Kryptonian. Even better ! A kryptonian child ! I could have Supergirl kill a child on live TV. You don't come back from killing a child Supergirl, you just don't. Then, I could have had you all to myself."  
  
    "You're disgusting."  
  
    "Hush Lena. You wanted the truth, so now let me speak. I could use some water though."  
  
    "You'll have water when you're done," Kara fumes, "you'll have water when I decide you're done."  
  
    "Alright," Lillian exhales. "Where was I ? Oh right, the child. I tracked the kid down, and imagine my surprise when I find it in Midvale, in the very town Supergirl was hiding, not even a mile away from where you Lena, were hiding too."  
  
    "You knew I was in Midvale ?"  
  
    "You have a tracker in your left shoulder. I had it implanted when you were four. I just had no reason to come for you sooner. Your existence is of little importance in the grand scheme of things."  
  
    "You ?" Lena starts before stopping abruptly, no words strong enough to express the sudden shudder than threatens to dismantle her body. Feverishly she tries to wrestle her hand out of Kara's, dragging it along with hers when it wont move. She scratches at her shoulder, suddenly queasy in her own skin.  
  
    "We'll get it out later," Kara says, gently tugging her hand down. "Okay ? I promise we'll get it out later."  
  
    Lena limply lets her hand be brought down, but the way she holds herself is different now. The sudden knowledge of the piece of technology embedded in her body makes her feel alien to herself. She never even knew it was there but now it's all she can feel. Reasonably, she knows it's probably just a microchip, but she can't help but picture a spiky creature of metal and wires gnawing at her muscles. She doesn't dare to move, fearing that if she does, it will fuel it. The rational part of her brain tries to ground itself in Kara's steady presence by her side ; it barely works, but it's something nonetheless.  
  
    "Do you have anything to add ?" Kara asks, her words coming out as more of a growl than anything truly intelligible.  
  
    "I suppose that's it," Lillian replies, her features unfased but her heart still frightened, as it should be. "Oh, I forgot. If you follow the sewers back to the old Luthor Corp building, you should be able to access my office. The password is Lex's birthday. Poor boy, I should have tried harder to get him out of prison. With proper care, his brilliant mind could be restored to genius."  
  
    "You'll see him soon enough. I don't doubt that Striker Island’s psych yard has a cell with your name on it."  
  
    "You know Supergirl, you may look like one of us, but I know you are one of them. You've seen how much true humans hate your kind, just wait until you fail them again. I can go to jail. I deserve a bit of rest after all. But the knowledge that one day you'll fall even further down will be my..."  
  
    Lena steps forward and aggressively turns off the volume again, cutting Lillian in the middle of her final threat. Her lips are still moving, carried away by her last tirade. It's quite comical, but neither Kara nor Lena have it in themselves to laugh. They stay in front of the muted cell for two long breaths and then, as one, make their way to the exit.  
  
    "Let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doctor Veritas is in Supergirl New 52 and Rebirth (and probably many other things) and she's really, really cool


	30. Palaces of words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, enjoy some fake Kryptonian history !
> 
> This is the antepenultimate chapter ! (I've wanted to use this word for a long time and you can blame it entirely on Supergirl Radio ^^)
> 
> People talk, people are sad, but at least, they're in this together, right ?
> 
> Title is from "You" by Framing Hanley

    It takes them three days to go home. Three days of feeling miserable and out of place. Three days of Kara and Lena taking naps in each other arms and of Sam taking residence next to Alex's bed so there's someone with her when she wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. Three days of fishing Ruby out of various secret rooms where she should most definitely not be ; but only two before she starts yelling in fear when a door locks behind her and she finds herself trapped. Only two days of looking through Lillian files until Kara gives up when Lena finds her crying, curled in a ball in a corner, and she hands all the files to Vasquez.  
  
    Fifteen minutes of these three days are spent removing Lena's tracker from her shoulder. Thirty are dedicated to silently staring at Maxwell Lord. And Kara spends two other hours face to face with J'onn, telling him she's not sure she can come back. He agrees, somewhat solemnly, and then proceeds to ask her questions about Lena, and her time in Midvale, and with the weight off her chest, she feels at ease for the first time since Cadmus bombed her home town.  
  
    They take a DEO van back to Midvale, because the car they took on their journey to National City definitely isn't made to accommodate several injured people. And also because Lena doesn't want anyone driving her car, something that Alex finds furiously amusing. Eliza is waiting with Krypto on the front porch. The kettle is on and there are fresh biscuits ; Kara isn't really hungry, so she only eats seven. Eliza doesn't ask questions, only hugs everyone for however long they allow her to and moves on to more baking. Lena moves into Kara's room because she doesn't have a home anymore and it sounds silly to be apart for more than a minute when they came so close to death. Sam moves into Alex's room and nobody really mentions it because though she still has her own house, it doesn't occur to her to let Alex sleep alone. A spare mattress is set out for Ruby, but she huddles in bed with them every night.  
  
    The nights at the house are filled with shouts and screams as they all wake up at various times, drenched in sweat and with their heads full of blood and death. On the nights when no one dares to go back to sleep, Eliza is there with warm milk and extra blankets and shadows under her eyes, and they gather in the living room with cartoons.  
  
    Kara holds her promise to train Sam and they run and spar every morning. She always sets time aside for soccer with Ruby, and on the third day she sees her plugging her ears with her fingers every time someone knocks something over, she teaches her Rao's prayer for strength.  
  
  
    They don't talk about what happened in National City, at all. Alex doesn't ask Kara how she feels about burning a man's arms off. Kara doesn't ask Lena if it's her mother she sees at night when she can't sleep. Lena doesn't ask Sam how she feels about finding her pod. Sam doesn't ask Alex what was her last thought when she nearly died. They're here for each other, and that's it ; in the end maybe it's all that matters.  
  
    This status quo holds for about two weeks before Sam interrupts their morning sparring session with a question that has been following her since she saw her pod.  
  
    "Will you teach me Kryptonian ?" she asks, throwing a left hook.  
  
    "Kryptonese," Kara corrects, deflecting her punch and throwing one of her own, followed by an axe kick that forces Sam back into a defensive stance. "But yes, I'll teach you. I'd love to share this with you," she says, ducking backward to avoid a roundhouse kick.  
  
    "There was something written on the side of the pod. I'd like to know what it means," Sam says with two quick jabs.  
  
    "Uziv. It means to reign, to rule." She follows her statement with a hook that Sam blocks easily, pushing her to retreat. "But in this case I think it refers to Uz-Iv of House Iv. It would be your last name, like mine is Zor-El, from my father."  
  
    Kara's front kick catches Sam straight in the chest and she staggers backward, falling on the grass.  
  
    "Shit sorry."  
  
    "It's okay," Sam whispers, trying to catch her breath. "It's okay."  
  
    She gratefully takes Kara's hand and lets herself be brought back to her feet.  
  
    "Want to sit for a while ?" Kara asks, nodding towards the porch.  
  
    "Okay," Sam murmurs distractedly, her mind already billion of miles away.  
  
    They stay silent for a while, drinking water out of the glasses Ruby hasn't managed to break over the last weeks. Inside the house, Lena turns a page from her current book, and Alex grumbles when Ruby beats her at cards, again. Kara listens to them, her eyes following the wind in the grass, as she waits for Sam to come back to Earth.  
  
    "Did you ever met them ? My parents ?" she eventually asks. "Were they, were they good people ?"  
  
    "I did, once," Kara replies with a small comforting smile. "At a party my mum threw. Uz-Iv was a young judicator, studying with my mother. He was courting Kahla Vell-Ex at the time, if I remember correctly. They were good people, and a good match."  
  
    "Would that make me Sam Uz-Iv ?"  
  
    "Correct," Kara says with a proud smile. "In most cases, girls would take their father's name. But you could have changed it for your partner's name or to take the name of the prominent house of your Guild, which changes the rules a little bit."  
  
    "Meaning ?"  
  
    "Well lets say you decided to become a Sagitari, a soldier, and you were very good at it, you could have requested, or been offered, to become a member of House Zod. You would have been Sam Zod and considering that House Zod was part of the most important houses on Krypton, your child would have also taken this name."  
  
    "What were the other prominent houses ?" Sam asks, her eyes brimming with curiosity. "If you want to talk about it," she adds hastily. "All of this is a bit abstract to me, but I know it's important to you, and I don't want to bring up painful memories..."  
  
    "House El, it's my house. Mostly known for its place in the Science Guild," Kara says, waving aside Sam's concerns. " Then House Zod. House Vex, from the Law Guild. And House Em from the Religious Guild. House Iv wasn't really a prominent house. To gain status, your father could have asked to be taken into House Vex. But I mean, these are all old caste stuff."  
  
    "Was Krypton very classist ?" Sam asks, hesitancy coating her words.  
  
    "A bit yeah," Kara chuckles. "But way less by the time I was born than three, two, generations before mine. There was a revolution before my birth, and yours."  
  
    "Oh God," Sam grumbles, cutting Kara's train of thoughts.  
  
    "What ?"  
  
    "I just realised that technically, you're older than me."  
  
    Kara chuckles. "Well I was born before you, and before Kal. Counting my time in the Phantom Zone, I'm fifty."  
  
    "God," Sam says, playfully bumping her shoulder with her own. "Lena's dating an old woman."  
  
    "Why do I feel like you’re going to mercilessly tease her about that ?"  
  
    "Because that’s what I’m going to do," Sam replies with a devilish grin, bumping her shoulder against Kara’s again.  
  
    And for a second, a minute, they look like old friends with not a care in the world.  
  
    "Tomorrow," Kara says, pushing on her knees to get up, "we’re starting sword training."  
  
***  
  
    Sam's question seems to have opened the floodgates, and that night, instead of going to bed and pretending she'll be able to sleep through the night, she dares to talk to Lena. When her hand absentmindedly goes to rub the spot on her temple where a faint bruise still marks the spot Lillian rammed with her gun, Kara grabs it, threading their fingers, and forces a couple of words through her lips. "I've been meaning to ask you a question," she says tentatively, "if that's okay."  
  
    "Go ahead ?"  
  
    "Why did you tell Lillian you'd payed 700.000$ for me ?"  
  
    "It was an easy lie," Lena answers, shrugging it off like it’s not important at all. "One that she’d believe without question."  
  
    "How so ?" Kara probes gently when Lena doesn't say more. "It seems a bit self depreciative to me."  
  
    "I've always believed that," Lena starts before hesitating, looking at Kara with something indescribable in her eyes, "that I was a bit unlovable. And with what Lillian thinks of me, paying for someone to be with me wouldn't be so out of character. Because she was right you know, she's the one who raised me, so in a way, she knows me, she knows what I think about myself."  
  
    "You're not unlovable," Kara says firmly.  
  
    "I'm getting around knowing that. It's a recent development for me, not thinking that I'm worth less than shit. You played a big part in this actually," Lena says with a shy smile.  
  
    "I want to keep playing a part in your life, if you let me."  
  
    "Why wouldn't I want you in my life ?" Lena asks with a concerned frown.  
  
    "I don't know, because I'm me ? An alien, dangerous."  
  
    "I'm not scared of you darling. I know you're struggling with your powers, but I'm not scared of you. And I want to be here for you, and be with you, if that's still okay." Kara wants to argue about the being dangerous part, wants to show Lena that she should be scared, at least a little bit, but before she can open her mouth to do so, Lena says something that she didn't expect her too, though she probably should have. "You know, I’m more scared about you leaving me, than of your powers."  
  
    "I wouldn't do that," Kara asserts softly, "never."  
  
    "A part of me is always going to fear that, so just..."  
  
    "Stay ?"  
  
    "Yeah, stay."  
  
    "I will," Kara says, carefully drawing her closer, afraid of crushing her no matter how many times Lena will say she doesn't fear her. Lena may be strangely unaware of how dangerous she is, but Kara isn’t. She was going to kill a man, and the barrier between who she is right now and a blood thirsty monster is thinner than Lena thinks it is. She feels torn, having promised to stay but knowing in her guts that a part of her may always want to leave for Lena's own protection.  
  
    "How do you feel ?" she asks after a while, when the silence and her own thoughts start eating at her too much. "Like really ?"  
  
    "I don’t know," Lena replies with a sigh. "I’ve been..."  
  
    "Trying to pretend everything’s fine ? Your mother did try to kill you."  
  
    "The president of the United States tried to kill you," Lena bites back with no real edge to her voice.  
  
    "I didn’t say I was fine," Kara replies with a shrug.  
  
    "But you pretended to be. Training with Sam like nothing happened, playing board games, baking, smiling. But you don’t close your eyes at night, when you do, you scream in your sleep, and you keep kissing me like we’re going to die tomorrow..."  
  
    "Will you be my girlfriend ? Like officially ?" Kara says, words tumbling out of her mouth before she can truly decide if she wants them to.  
  
    Lena chuckles in surprise before cutting off abruptly. "Oh. Well yeah. I mean, with everything that happened, I forgot that we hadn't made anything official. It feels a bit, I don’t know, pointless ?"  
  
    "Pointless ?" Kara retreats, feeling her stomach wrapping on itself.  
  
    "Yeah. No," Lena says, shaking her head in apology. "That’s not the word I wanted to say. I meant trivial, I guess ? We went through so much, it’s almost too normal for us you know ? And I would very much like to be your official girlfriend. Plus you did profess your undying love for me on national TV, how could I not ?"  
  
    "Oh right, that," Kara mumbles, scratching her neck embarrassingly, knowing there’s little she can do to hide the blush colouring her cheeks. "I hope you don’t mind I said that."  
  
    "Well," Lena says softly, "did you mean it ?"  
  
    "I did. I do," Kara replies hurriedly, "I was just..."  
  
    "Not ready to say it ? Thinking you’re going to die will do that I guess." Lena smiles, squeezing Kara’s hand and lifting her head to kiss her red cheek. "But we have time know, right ? With the Alien Amnesty Act, you’re allowed to exist again, we can do what we want, the possibilities are endless. You could, you could even be Supergirl again, if you want."  
  
    "I don’t think I want to," Kara murmurs, so low that if Lena weren’t standing so close to her, she would have missed it. "At least not right now. I’m not ready. I, I nearly killed a man. I wanted to kill him. Of my own volition." Her voice rises, stretching in a high distraught pitch, and she ducks her head in shame. "It was all me. My thoughts, my anger. Not RedK. Me. I wanted to do it. I was going to."  
  
    "But you didn’t..."  
  
    "Because a wall exploded and I got distracted ! I wasn’t just going to end his life, I was going to tear him apart ! And then there’s the man whose arms I burnt, I don’t even know what happened to him."  
  
    "You did what you had to do."  
  
    "That doesn’t make it right."  
  
    "No, you’re right," Lena admits, "it doesn’t. But it doesn’t have to be right, you just need to heal from it. All of us, we need to heal from this."  
  
    "You know," Kara says bitterly, "it’s a bit funny, mildly comical, that we’re in a less fucked up situation than when we first met, but I still feel like shit. I thought this would be it, that this confrontation, or whatever this was, would be the dropping of the other shoe and then it would be fine. But now, I feel like we’ve faced a three feet monster, and the third shoe is still hovering somewhere, waiting for the least adequate time to drop on my head." She chokes, her words catching in her throat like she’s swallowed rocks, and when salt meets her lips, she realises she’s started crying. "And I know you feel that way too. And Alex, and Sam. And we’ve been burying our heads in the sand like everything’s fine when it’s not. And I’m tired. You said a while ago, Rao, it feels like ages, that we should talk about things, and we’re not talking. It’s not okay."  
  
    "You’re right," Lena says again, her voice raspy and tired, "we should be talking, that’s the only way we can start breathing again. I’m sorry, I’ve been a little too in my own head."  
  
    "You don’t have to apologize. We’ve all been doing that. I’ll talk to Alex tomorrow. Maybe we can go on a walk, she doesn’t like sharing her feelings in front of everyone."  
  
    "It’s supposed to snow tomorrow."  
  
    "Is it ? Did they say that on the news ?"  
  
    "You know I don’t watch TV. But Ruby said the air smelled like snow."  
  
    "Does it ? I guess I haven’t been paying attention," Kara says slowly, mostly to herself. "Well I’ll talk to Alex inside, and then we can make a snowman."  
  
    "I don’t have any warm clothes," Lena points out, her face scrunching like this detail is what disturbs her most.  
  
    "I’ll lend you a sweater. Two. Then we can be alive."  
  
    "Then we can be alive," Lena repeats, molding her body to Kara’s.  
  
    And it's silly, because it's just a promise of snow and sweaters, but it doesn't snow much in Midvale, so it’s almost a miracle, and right now, with her girlfriend hugging her like she's the only thing that matters, Kara isn't fine, but she knows they'll be okay.  
  
***  
  
    After a night of agitated, but somehow restful sleep, Kara corners Alex first thing in the morning, which on second thought, isn’t a very smart thing to do ; her sister looks like she’s ready to bolt. They eye each other at the top of the stairs, Kara nodding towards her bedroom and Alex repeatedly looking at the bathroom door like she just didn’t came out of here and it’s a reasonable escape plan. Eventually though, she sighs and follows. Kara feels a bit bad, because Alex is limping and her skin still hasn’t returned to its regular colour and she looks like she really, really, doesn’t want to talk about it, but they have to, because then maybe it will be okay even if they’re not fine.  
  
    "I suppose there’s nothing I can do to deter you from having this conversation ?" Alex asks, falling heavily on the desk chair, the wheels squeaking at the sudden added weight.  
  
    Kara sighs, taking a seat on the bed. "I won’t force you to talk if you don’t want to." From the other side of the room, Alex shoots her a murder worthy look. "Alright", she says, raising her hands in surrender, "I did marched you into this room, but if you really are uncomfortable, I won’t force you to talk."  
  
    "I do want to talk," Alex says, her words quick and jumbled, nearly overpowered by a long exhale. "But you know me, feelings are a hard things to process, so I tend to avoid it altogether."  
  
    "I do know that," Kara replies softly, "it’s kind of a family thing, remember ?"  
  
    "I nearly died," Alex says rather abruptly, jumping head first into the conversation. "Which was not fun. And now my body doesn’t work like it used to. It’s scary."  
  
    "Didn’t they gave you advanced healing products at the DEO ?" Kara asks with a frown.  
  
    "They did. But I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t just broken bones, maybe there’s nerve damage. Or something wrong with my brain."  
  
    "Eliza could run some scans on you, at the hospital."  
  
    "I know she could," Alex sighs, dropping her head into her hands. "But I’m not sure I want her to. What if there really is something wrong with me ? I can’t go back to work if I’m fucked up !"  
  
    "You want to go back to work ? To the DEO ?" Kara asks, astonishment seeping into her voice, though really it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, her sister was born for that job.  
  
    "Well yes," Alex replies in a small voice, "I could do a lot of good there, make it up to you, to the other aliens. J’onn told me he’s thinking of retiring, maybe going into legal advice for aliens. And well, before Haley came along, I was assistant director, so if he does retire, I’m next in line."  
  
    "You’d make an excellent director," Kara says, because it’s the truth, even though she herself doesn’t want for Alex to go back to National City.  
  
    "Not if I’m fucked up."  
  
    "Then let Eliza run some tests on you, and work your way up from there. I’ll be with you every step of the way."  
  
    "I saw you, you know ?" Alex says, her voice thick and broken. "When I was dying."  
  
    "You did...?"  
  
    "I’ve always wondered what I’d see in my final moments. Especially since you told me about Rao’s light. I mean, people say that you’re supposed to see your life flashing before your eyes, and that there’s a light at the end of a tunnel. I didn’t see any of this. I saw you. Thirteen years old you, alone and scared, in that white tunic you had on when your cousin dropped you off in our backyard. I think that’s why I’m not dead. Because I couldn’t leave my little sister scared and alone."  
  
    "I’m..." Kara starts before stammering. "All of this is so... I wouldn’t want to live in a world where you’re not."  
  
    "I wouldn't want that either," Alex asserts softly, a sad smile tugging at her lips.  
  
    Kara doesn't answer, doesn't need to when Alex can see it all in her eyes. They stay silent for a minute, looking at each other, Alex taking in her sister's unmarred skin, and Kara memorising Alex's bruises so she never forgets. Eventually, the silence is broken by a hesitant question. "Do you think we're going to be fine ?"  
  
    "I'm usually the one who asks this question," Kara chuckles wetly, "so yes, I think we're going to be fine, because that's what you always tell me."  
  
    "And," Alex starts tentatively, "are you going to be fine ?"  
  
    "I guess I will be," Kara replies, failing at masking the bitterness of her voice.  
  
    "But you're not sure, why ?"  
  
    Kara exhales deeply, bracing herself for the answer she doesn't want to give. "I would have killed him. If Baker and his little army hadn't stormed the room, I would have killed him. I wanted to. I wanted him dead, by my hands. So no, I don't know if I'm going to be fine. But I'll make my peace with it, and maybe it'll be okay. Just like I'm not fine with my world dying, but I’ve learned to live with it."  
  
    "Sometimes," Alex sighs, "sometimes I get blinded by the fact that you're my sister, I want to protect you so much that I forget how strong you are."  
  
    "Your protection is always welcomed," Kara replies, her voice lethargic and sad. "I don't want to have to be strong all the time."  
  
    "I would have killed Lord for you, in a heartbeat. I'd do anything for you to not feel like that."  
  
    "I wouldn't want for you to have to carry my burdens."  
  
    "I've killed before, it comes with my job. I've made my peace with it." Alex sighs, worry etched so deeply in her features that it's becoming a permanent fixture. "But I know not everybody feels the same about this. Especially you, I know how you feel about killing. And I had an inkling it was what was eating at you. I'm sorry I didn't try to talk about it with you sooner."  
  
    "You know I wouldn't have been open to this conversation," Kara replies with a dull snicker. "It would have only made things worse. And we need to stick together, not be at each others' throats."  
  
    "I'm going to reappoint an alien therapist at the DEO, I know I can't force you to go, but..."  
  
    "I'll go," Kara states with the decisiveness of someone who's thought about it enough to come to an unequivocal conclusion. "I know I can talk to you, or Lena, but I can’t weight you down with this, I also need professional help. So I'll go."  
  
    For a second, Alex looks surprised that she doesn't have to argue more, she's build up several arguments and counter-arguments, she was ready to reasonably push to get her point across ; but she's happy she doesn't have to. "I'm proud of you. Really proud of you."  
  
  
    "I, thank you. I’m proud of you to, you know ? I don’t say it nearly enough, but you impress me every day."  
  
    Alex's answer is to limp from the chair to the bed, nearly toppling over Kara in an attempt to hug her.  
  
    They stay like this for a while, a mess of limbs with Kara supporting most of Alex weight ; and later, she'll be a bit bummed about her cold pancakes, you can't reheat pancakes with heat vision, but right now, steadied by her sister's strong heartbeat, Kara feels perfectly okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked me about Reign a couple of weeks ago and I'm sure this isn't what you expected but I really like what I've done with her. I used this website to get Sam's mother name, it's pretty cool and I got lost on it for much longer than I'll admit ^^  
> https://www.fantasynamegenerators.com/dc-kryptonian-names.php  
> As for the translation from "Reign" to "Uziv", I used kryptonian.info


	31. On the fence about what feels worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Penultimate chapter ! ft. Kara and Ruby ! Kara and Lena ! And Kara alone...?
> 
> I tried to edit this as best as I could but I must have written part of it when I was really tired because some words were definitely not used in the correct way -_-
> 
> Title is from "Kennedy Curse" by The Maine

    "No flying Ruby ! That's cheating !"  
  
    "It's not cheating if you can fly too !"  
  
    "Nobody will be flying in your next team, and we agreed to play fair."  
  
    "I thought you were the fun one."  
  
    "The fun one compared to who ?"  
  
    "Well Mum doesn't count because she's my mum, Aunt Lena is smart and serious, Alex is badass, so you're the fun one. And if you're the fun one, we can twist soccer's rules just a little, so we can play flying !"  
  
    "Alright Ruby, you got me there," Kara grumbles playfully. "But you know the rules, no flying over the tree line and no throwing the balls too hard at mere humans." A frightened shout rings out behind her, interrupting her speech. "Aaand it’s too late for that."  
  
    "Sorry Aunt Lena," Ruby mumbles sheepishly.  
  
    "Both feet on the ground," Kara scolds lightly while making her way to Lena. "I don't want to get in trouble with your mum."  
  
    Ruby grumbles something in reply, and Kara hears her feet touching the ground ; she'll be back in the air quick enough, that kid is full of energy. They've been practicing a lot, it helps Ruby with owning her powers, and Kara feels better, doing something good and harmless with hers.  
  
    "You alright ?" she asks when she reaches Lena.  
  
    "I'm fine," Lena answers with a small smile. "It barely grazed me, I was just surprised."  
  
    "Can I sit with you for a while ?"  
  
    "Of course you can," Lena replies, patting the spot beside her on the porch and readjusting the blanket around her shoulders when it slips at the motion. "You don't have to ask."  
  
    "You're reading," Kara says, motioning to the book on Lena's lap, now closed, with her place neatly marked by a promotional bookmark.   
  
    "Not really. I'm just thinking."  
  
    "Well your reading face looks a lot like your thinking face then."  
  
    "I don't have a thinking face," Lena mumbles, pouting.  
  
    "You do !" Kara counters with a quick laugh. "You get a faraway look and you scrunch up your eyebrow like this."  
  
    "I'm sure I don't look like that," Lena replies, waving in Kara's general direction but still laughing at her girlfriend's impersonation.  
  
    "What are you thinking about ?" Kara prompts, shuffling closer until their shoulders are resting on one another. "If you want to talk about it."  
  
    Lena sighs, hesitating for a short second that Kara doesn't miss, though she doesn't point it out. "Just Luthor Corp. And doing some good with my name. I'm the last one standing. My father is dead. Lex is in the psych yard yelling insanities at Stryker Island's guards. And Lillian is soon to join him here. I'm the last Luthor. Maybe that means something."  
  
    "Well," Kara prompts gently, "what would you want to do ?"  
  
    "I was thinking about rebranding, and turning the Luthor legacy into something good. I have ideas, things I've been tinkering with, even our cancer cure, if you agree of course. I could do so much good. Every Luthor asset is going to be transferred to me. There's no way I'm moving back to Metropolis, but I'll have a building in National City. If I go through with it, Sam already agreed to be my CFO. And you could also work with me, put your genius mind to good use, I'll make you head of R&D, if you'd like."  
  
    "You've given a lot of thought to this," Kara replies, hoping that she'll be able to hide her semi-truth, hoping that Lena won't notice the way her stomach seems to eat itself at the bare mention of going back to National City. "These are good ideas," she says, "and, yeah, I'd like that."   
  
    Lena notices, because of course she does, she's been watching Kara as much as Kara as been watching her, learning her tells, filling her memory with the intricacies of Kara's expressions, until trying to hide something from her would be nothing but a foolish idea. She raises a curious eyebrow, gently prompting Kara to keep going, and Kara doesn't dare staying silent.  
  
    "But I'm not sure I'm ready to be back in National City."  
  
    "Of course Kara. We don't have to leave right this instant. And you can always join me later, we have time."  
  
    "Thank you." _But I'm not sure when I'll be ready, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready,_ is what Kara wants to say. _I'm not sure I can go, but I don't want to be without you, I don't want to be somewhere you're not_ , are the words that are trying to make it past her lips. "Now, tell me more about what brilliant invention you're going to put out first," is what she ends up saying.  
  
***  
  
    Kara doesn't mean to do this, doesn't mean to pull away, to isolate herself, yet, she does. Time doesn't move faster after Lena's confession, because time is an immutable thing, and the tiks and the toks don't ring quicker ; yet, to Kara, it feels like it.   
  
    In the following two weeks, Lena makes three trips to National City, seeing lawyers, looking for a flat ; Alex makes four, and when she comes back from the last one, it's with an official new title and a spring in her less limpy steps. Sam makes the necessary arrangements to have Ruby transfer to a private school in National City. It's not like she's going to Midvale High School anymore, class is being held in poorly isolated hastily built paperboard rooms that she refuses to step in. Instead, she plays both-feet-on-the-ground soccer with Kara, and meets with Lee for hot chocolate.   
  
    The time that Kara doesn't spend with Ruby, she spends helping with Midvale's rebuilding, carrying heavy loads with mock exertion and organising donations for the casualties. On days where she's afraid to get close to anyone at all, she flies laps around Earth until tiredness melts her bones and she can sleep next to Lena without fearing to crush her. On a particular night she can't sleep, she builds an entire new library and donates it to the town as Supergirl ; it's her only official appearance since National City.   
  
    She doesn't hide her feelings, doesn't lie about her less than stellar mental health, she holds her promise to talk, and share, but as days pass and she feels more and more like a burden, preventing everyone from moving forward, she becomes an expert at deflecting questions. And after a while, Alex's eyebrows get stuck in a permanent frown, worry tainting her eyes everytime she looks at her sister. Several times, she offers to push back what she still calls "their" move to National City, several times, Kara assures that it's unnecessary. And she isn't lying, she really is trying to get herself in a state of mind where she will be able to follow them. It's just hard.   
  
    Hard because National City is now filled with more and more bad memories, hard because National City reminds her of everything she isn't anymore, hard because National City is Supergirl's city.  
  
    So she smiles, waves away concerns, exercises to exhaustion, and lets Lena cling to her like a koala in the bed that has become theirs. Mornings and nights, she smooths down the crinkle on her forehead, soothing her down with the promise that she'll be fine and redirecting conversations towards scientific prowess.   
  
    They take walks on the beach, and tinker in a makeshift lab hidden in the garden shed, they play cards after dinner and have porridge for breakfast ; it's almost enough to convince Kara that she can do it, because there also is a beach in National City, and they'll have a brand new lab, they'll still be able to play cards, and if (when) they move in together, there'll be porridge until she's sick of it.  
  
    It nearly works. Kara packs her bags with everyone, visits Mrs Michael one last time in the hospital, puts her books back in her boxes, with the addition of a certain Supergirl comic that she didn't have the heart to refuse, she keeps comfortable clothes for the drive, even offers to take over the first leg of the trip.   
  
    Then it's Monday morning at the crack ass of dawn and she can't get in the car.   
  
    The inside of the vehicle is constricting and when she pictures herself in National City, it's angry and covered in blood, scared and dangerous. They push their trip back to Tuesday, then Wednesday. By Thursday, Kara tells them to just leave without her, she'll follow in a few days, she just needs more time. Lena flat out refuses, her protestation drowned by Alex's.   
  
    They take more walks on the beach, Lena sets up a work station in the living room, Alex manages the DEO on the phone, Eliza makes her favourite food and they talk at length about visiting each other when they'll be in different places again, her Earth mum trusts in her capacity to move on never wavering, not even for a second. But Lena gets an urgent call on the next Monday, and they leave anyway, Kara standing in the driveway, her bags back in her room, the weak promise that she'll join them in a week or two tumbling from her mouth to Lena's ear over and over again.  
  
    Oddly enough, breathing is easier now they're gone. Kara isn't happy about it, but it's a fact. Most of the pressure that she put on herself lifts from her shoulders the moment Sam's SUV disappear from sight. It last for a minute only, and then her breath sticks to her throat and something wet slides down her cheek ; she's crying. Eliza helps her back to the house and lets her curl on the couch with a cup of tea that does nothing to warm the cold hole in her chest. It takes everything she has not to cave on herself when she gets a text in the form of a single heart emoji from Lena around the time she knows she passes the wheel to Alex according to the plans they made. Her favourite people are driving away from her and she's too weak, too useless, to follow.  
  
    On the first few nights, she doesn't sleep well, the sheets smelling like Lena but the bed mercilessly empty of her ; and nightmares, never ending nightmares. When she wakes up with a smoldering ceiling and smoke in her room, she's glad that she's alone in it. They call each other every evening, talking well into the night until Lena falls asleep with exhaustion. She sends her pictures of her new place, of the photograph of the two of them she put on her bedside table, of Krypto's bed in a corner of the living room, of the view from her balcony ; and multiples selfies, in her office buried under paperwork, and one day, one of her in bed, with shadows under her eyes and an empty side that she assigns to Kara. This is what ignites the first spark in Kara, this is the first thing that effectively combats her fear of returning to National City. Not their multiples phone calls, not Eliza's encouraging words, not Ruby's pleas for a soccer partner, not Alex's texts from the DEO, but a picture of Lena with an empty side in her bed. There's a place for her here, a future, and she needs to fight to get her head in order and join Lena.   
  
    She resumes her morning runs, trying not to let her feet regularly sinking in the ground deter her, she helps in Midvale, managing the new library every afternoon, she meditates, and prays, asking Rao for strength and courage. She does everything by the book, hoping that there'll be a morning when she'll wake up to no new holes in her ceiling, that there'll be a day when she won't have to consciously tune out the world around her to be able to go on, that there'll be moment when she'll close her eyes to see something else than Maxwell Lord weathering away into her hands. She thinks every phone call is the last and that the next day she'll be less dangerous, and able to join Lena in National City. Then she tears away a doorknob, or bruises a child's hand when handing out books, and she has to start over.  
  
    She starts over nearly everyday.  
  
***  
  
    Kara doesn't expect a fight to happen. She especially doesn't expect for a fight to happen on the phone. But she's had a long day and just got out of an excruciating call with Alex about holding her promise to see an alien therapist, even just via Skype, and she's tired. So when Lena calls her later than usual, to tell her that she got harassed in the street and that someone pulled a gun on her because she's a Luthor, the passive-aggressive comment about staying safe just slips out of her mouth with zero control on her part. It only goes downhill from here. Lena and her throbbing headache bite back about letting her do her own thing and taking care of herself since clearly it's what Kara is doing away from her and Kara snaps because she's frustrated.   
  
    They go to bed sad, angry, alone.  
  
    Kara wakes up empty and bitter to a neat package on the kitchen table ; it smells like Sam, and Lena. A note is stuck to it, adorned by Lena's meticulous handwriting ; sorry about last night, open this far from prying eyes, love, L.  
  
    There are dozens of quiet places in Midvale, nooks and crannies where nobody would find her and she could open her package alone ; but the first one that comes to her mind is the lab, she needs to feel close to Lena. The package doesn't weight much, though it could also be because of Kara's inhumane strength, and she spends the entirety of her human paced trip to the lab trying to figure out what it could be.  
  
    It's relatively early, but the town is already bustling with workers and volunteers, and when she hears a few voices asking if she's going to be around today, she veers left behind a bush to the new secret tunnel that will lead her to the lab. It's quiet underground, the sounds of life going on above her muffled by feet and feet of soil dampened by the rain ; this peacefulness is exactly what she needs.  
  
    The door to the lab opens with it's usual hissing noise and before Kara even has the time to step into it, something tiny and powerful barrels straight into her chest. It's Bernard the super rat and he doesn't look very happy about having been left behind. She can't help but laugh at the sight of the small and furious animal who calms down as soon as she nuzzles him against her face, promising to bring him outside with her. She wonders if he'll get along with Streaky.  
  
    The lab is exactly like they left it, slightly messy, with a screensaver bouncing around the monitors they forgot to turn off in their hast to rescue Ruby. When she brings them back online, they flash with an ominous disconnected in red blocky letters. She shuts down the CPU, then the screens, one by one, finding comfort in the repetitive motion. She abandons the package on the table and proceeds to clean up the room, dusting off shelves, cleaning spilled products and locking up the cabinets. It's only when she straightens the same pile of papers for the second times that she realises she's been stalling off opening the package, for a reason she can't quite put her finger on. She takes a deep breath, and another, before settling down in one of Lena's evil scientist armchairs, the box staring back at her from her lap.  
  
    Ultimately, she has to open it, because she didn't leave a note at home and if she takes too long to come back, Eliza's going to worry. She unwraps it slowly, and opens it even slower, taking great care of not tearing the paper.  
  
    Inside is a simple bracelet. It's not very wide, maybe half an inch, and it's got shallow parallel stripes covering its entire surface except for a small square embossed with the House of El's crest. Admittedly it's quite beautiful, but it's also puzzling, because it looks like a mating bracelet, and there's no way Lena is proposing to her ; especially not while they're not even in the same town.   
  
    There's a letter at the bottom of the box, in a cream coloured envelope with her name neatly written on it.  
  
 _Kara,_  
 _I've been working on this for quite some time, since we took off your Kryptonite bracelets actually, but I didn't have time to finish it before leaving for National City. I wanted to give you this in person, maybe when you would have joined me here, but I'm going to have Sam deliver it to you instead. Maybe it's silly, I don't know, but I can't help but fear that you're never going to come here, that it's too much for you. I wouldn't blame you for staying in Midvale._  
 _I pride myself with saying I know you, but a part of me knows I'll never be able to fully grasp what's going on inside of your head, and I'm okay with it. Nonetheless, I love you. Again, I wanted to tell you that in person, but I don't know when that will be, and I needed you to know that no matter how twisted and fucked up things are, I love you, truly. I know you said you needed time to adjust, but if you were to never be able to join me in National City, I wouldn't love you any less, if you were to never own your powers again, I would love you just as much. I've been looking into ways of working from a distance, maybe we could buy a house here in Midvale. Just tell me._  
 _This is a Red Sun bracelet, it emits radiations similar to Krypton's sun and if you chose to wear it, it will dampen your powers enough for you to live comfortably, enough for you to stop fearing yourself. Unlike Kryptonite, there are no harmful side effects ; I've tested it extensively, you'll be safe. If you can, let me know what you decide to do, there still is a place for you here, by my side, in our lab, in our flat, in our bed, but I would understand if you couldn't._  
 _Yours,_  
 _Lena_  
  
    Kara doesn't immediately realise she's crying because her tears fall on Lena's dried ones. She's been so wrapped up in her own head that she didn't realise Lena had her own legitimate fears and her chest constricts in a painful way at the love and dread that radiates from her letter. For the first time since they came back from National City, she realises what her actions look like to an outsider, to someone who doesn't see blood and death everytime they close their eyes, and it hits her in the face harder than a Kryptonite blast. She's been haunted by visions of hurting Lena ; but to her girlfriend, it looks like she's been pulling away. And Lena's been giving her space, and she's been so understanding of everything, since the very beginning, and maybe Kara should have realised sooner that she would never be perfect for her, but that Lena doesn't expect perfection. She just wants to be loved by her, in whatever capacity she can, because she's too selfless for her own good, even in her written words.  
  
    Kara clasps the bracelet around her wrist, and the shift is immediate. The sound of the air in the vents isn't as deafening, the smell of chemicals doesn't burn her nostrils anymore, the LED lights don't burn with the strength of thousands of suns ; and when she pushes on her feet to get up, she doesn't have to calculate the amount of pressure she puts on the ground, because there is no need for it anymore. Without the burden of her senses, her mind is quieter, and she squashes the thought that she wasn't strong enough to regain control by herself as soon as it arises. She opens her pocket for Bernard, and makes her decision before she's even reached the door ; there's no time to lose, she has a bag to pack.  
  
***  
  
    The bus ride is the longest of her life, and well, it's also her first, but that's not the point. Eliza offered to drive her down to National City, but she got called to the hospital before they could even make it to the end of the driveway. Kara is squashed against the window, her bags taking too much space at her feet, but she feels like she deserves the slight discomfort, and maybe this initiatory journey will be benefiting to her. Thirteen hours later, sore, and more tired than she's ever been in her entire life, Kara gets down from the bus in the underground stop under the train station. The air is stale and after being in motion for so long, she feels dizzy, the ground swaying underneath her ; but in a strange way, she feels free.   
  
    She sits on a bench for a while, the station emptying until another bus stops and it fills again, the place both alive and removed from space and time entirely. She catches a glimpse of her reflection in the window of the second bus when it drives past her and she looks awful in such a human way that she can't help but laugh. A couple of strangers look at her curiously, but most of them ignores her, too caught up in their desire to be home as soon as possible.  
  
    She considers calling Alex, to ask her to pick her up, but walking in the dull chill of the night is curiously appealing and eventually, she makes her way to the surface. For a moment, she misses the sounds of the city she used to hear as Supergirl, but she shakes it off, bundling herself in her too thin coat and making her way through the tall buildings. Even with dampened powers, she walks quicker than most people, and it doesn't take her too long to find herself in front of Lena's building. It's relatively modest in size, but overlooking the waterfront, the edifice oozes wealth and power into the night. All the lights are off, except for one at the very top, and without ever having been told on what floor she lives, Kara knows it's Lena's.   
  
    She expects to be stopped at the entrance, but the butler waves her in with a smile, calling her by her name and handing her a key like she's been living here all along. The ride up is short and unnerving, and Kara barely has the time to tell herself she should have called first when the elevator opens, directly into the penthouse.  
  
    She was right, Lena is still awake, and at the sound of the elevator, she straightens up from the couch, tightening a fluffy blankets around her shoulders. She stays like that, seemingly frozen, staring at Kara in bewilderment like she's never seen her before.  
  
    "I got your gift," Kara says, raising her hand to show off the bracelet, and waving it in lieu of a hello.  
  
    A tired but dazzling smile lights up Lena's face and she gets up hurriedly, her thick book tumbling to the ground in an ignored tud. She picks up speed as she rounds the couch, and after a moment of hesitancy, she runs to Kara. Kara drops her bag at the last second, staggering backward when Lena leaps into her arms and kisses her.   
  
    It's different from any of their previous kisses ; she doesn't have to hold back, doesn't have to keep a part of her brain focused on not crushing Lena. Every part of her body that isn't currently occupied with kissing Lena shuts down and it's on autopilot that she picks her up and whirls around to press her against the wall. It's dizzying in the best of ways, as if the universe suddenly decided to revolve around them and she decides right there and then that this is the best feeling in the world. Their mouths slide against each other hungrily though they have all the time in the world, teeth tug at lips and tongues battles fervently, then lazily, when Kara realises she actually has to breathe now. She detaches herself from Lena, panting heavily, and Lena's mouth follows after hers with a moan, before she realises she too has to breathe.  
  
    "I feared you'd never come," Lena whispers when she's sucked in enough air to be able to form words. "That you couldn't. Or that you didn't want me anymore."  
  
    "I love you," Kara replies like it's the answer to everything, and maybe it is. "I love you. I'm sorry."  
  
   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter ! The next one (the last ! :O) might come a bit later than usual as I'm going on holiday next week and I can't remember if they have wifi at the place I'll be staying (but they have an indoor pool so I guess I can live without internet for a wekk ^^). Story time ! It's the place I use to go to on holiday as a kid, I haven't been there for the past 6 years, thank you world wide economic crisis -_- and I'm super excited to go back, in less than 36h, I'll have my feet in the ocean !  
> (I once took a sixteen hours bus ride and let me tell you, it is not fun)


	32. Everything is temporary (even the sorrow that you carry)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time jump !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well holy shit, this is it, the last chapter. I'm trying to not get too emotional so I'll tone it down and just say that I had doubt I could write such a long story yet here we are and I did it so I'm kinda proud of myself and I hope you like this last, and long (!) chapter. Thank you for sticking with me until the end it means the world to me
> 
> Title is from "Flowers on the grave" by The Maine

   Kara stands on the balcony, taking in the come and go of people on the pier ; the weather is already getting warmer. Chatter filters out from the living room, mixing in with the dull sounds of the waves below ; the resulting background noise is soothing, but like often these days, she needed to step out for a moment. The balcony door slides open behind her, unbalancing the noise for a second, and two bare feet make their way towards her. Lena wraps her arms around her, kissing her on the cheek before settling her chin on her shoulder.  
  
    "You okay there ?" she asks, her smile perceptible in her voice.  
  
    Kara hums contentedly.  
  
    "I'm going to bring out dessert, just wanted to warn you before Sam eats everything."  
  
    "I'll be in in a minute," Kara replies, lifting one of Lena's hand to kiss it softly.  
  
    "Okay." Lena squeezes her gently before untangling her arms from around her body and padding back inside.  
  
    Absentmindedly rubbing her bracelet, Kara lazily takes in the sight below ; she had a nice day, busy, but nice. As she turns around to get back inside she catches a glimpse of a sail boat on the horizon and makes the mental note to call Eliza and arrange a trip to Midvale ; it's been far too long since they've been there.  
  
    She steps into the flat just as Lena lays a slightly undercooked pie on the coffee table in the middle of discarded board games. "Is that a chocolate pecan pie ?" she asks excitedly, taking back her seat at Lena's right.  
  
    "It is," Lena replies, "I thought we could celebrate your first headline. I baked it myself so it might not be as good as Eliza's but..."  
  
    "... thank you," Kara cuts, laying a kiss on her cheek. "I think it's perfect."  
  
    "Worry not Nia," Brainy says from the opposite side of the table. "There is an 85% chance that you will soon make the front page too."  
  
    "If I survive Miss Grant," Nia, sighs.  
  
    "Kara did," Winn points out, crumbs falling out of his mouth.  
  
    "She begged for my forgiveness and gave me a job, there's a difference."  
  
    "She offered you a job," Alex corrects, "because you're a talented writer and there's no one better than you to cover the science news."  
  
    "You're taking the words right out of my mouth," Lena chuckles.  
  
    "Our girl is talented !" Sam yells from the kitchen where she's gathering several boxes of ice cream.  
  
    "I'll drink to that," Lyra says, following her statement with a large gulp of beer.  
  
    "You'll drink to anything," Alex mutters loud enough to elicit a laugh from everyone and a pained yelp from Winn when his strong girlfriend manifests her discontent at being the butt of the joke.  
  
    With a crooked piece of pie in her plate, Kara relaxes on the couch, looking around the room to look at her friends, old and new. Brainy, who Winn befriended in an underground organisation dedicated to smuggling aliens out of the country, is expertly shuffling cards in a weirdly cute attempt to impress Nia, Cat's new assistant. Sam is shaping perfect ice cream scoops, and Kara isn't sure if Alex is more interested in the food or the girl serving it. Winn and Lyra form an, interesting, couple, to say the least ; but the alien is a great addition to their group, and game nights have been livelier than ever.  
  
    The only one who's missing is James, he moved back to Metropolis a couple of weeks ago, taking the easy way out of his former friendship with Winn. Because when Winn quitted his job at CatCo to volunteer in a secret organisation, James stayed, crafting stories in favour of the government, even accepting a promotion when Cat Grant herself stepped out in protest. Kara just wishes he would have agreed to talk to her before leaving, and with Kal still off world, there's no one to remind him of their friendship.  
  
    Somebody laughs and Kara realises thats she’s let the conversation go on without her. Lena is looking at her with an interrogative smile that Kara mirrors by habit, now aware that she missed something.  
  
    "I was just asking if you wanted more ice cream," Lena says, "before Sam finishes it."  
  
    "Duh," Kara says, rolling her eyes, "I always want more ice cream."  
  
***  
  
    Lena closes the door behind Alex with a long deep exhale. "I like them," she sighs, "but they can be a handful."  
  
    "That they are," Kara laughs from the kitchen. "Why don’t you get ready for bed ? I’ll clean up and join you in a minute."  
  
    "You sure ?" Lena asks even as she’s already making her way to the bathroom, loosening her belt with one hand and undoing her ponytail with the other.  
  
    "I am," Kara replies, dropping a kiss on her head as she passes by. "It was a long day, and tomorrow will be to, go to bed."  
  
    "Oh Rao," Lena groans from the over side of the flat, "don’t remind me."  
  
    Even as she carries a stake of dirty plates, Kara can’t help but smile at Lena absentmindedly copying her own mannerism. She would have never dared to hope for such a thing, would have never believed it if someone would have told her that one day she’d have a girlfriend, a partner, casually swearing up to Rao like she isn’t contributing to keeping an entire culture alive by doing so. Lena, whose cooking skills start with pancakes and end with porridge, has even challenged herself with translating kryptonian's recipes to surprise Kara once in a while. And well, her kvornish isn't as good as Sam, who's a born cook and decided to embrace her kryptonian heritage the moment she managed to string her first sentence in a mother tongue she had never spoken before, but it means so much that it would never occur to Kara to criticize the overcooked meat, or the underspiced soup.  
  
    Kara doesn't like to hold grudges, especially not towards the last member of her biological family, but apart from locking away artifacts, Kal never did much when it came to shouldering Krypton's legacy. Now, with a new Kryptonian eager to really be one, and a human willing to learn out of love, Krypton has never been as easy to carry.  
  
    Kara finishes loading up the dishwasher, idly wondering if she could convince Lena to let her build a robot to help around, like the one her family had on Krypton. Though considering that Krypto likes chasing things around, it would probably not be such a good idea. Just the thought of the massive white dog chewing on an expensive piece of technology is enough to deter her in her endeavour. Like he knows she's thinking about him, Krypto lazily raises his head from where it's resting on his paws before dropping it again with a sigh.  
  
    Krypto's bed is in a corner of the living room, against the floor to ceiling windows. It wasn't Lena's chosen spot at first, but he kept on dragging his bed here and eventually she gave up, making her peace with having snout shaped traces all over her windows. She isn't as lax however, when it comes to Kara leaving her own imprints on the glass ; she learned this the hard way.  
  
    The view from the windows is spectacular, and it’s what prompted Lena to choose this building, even when her own taste would have geared toward something less conspicuous. The flat's walls have been replaced by windows on two of its sides, opening the place up to the waterfront and the city with a giant balcony. At this height, they don't have to worry about nosy neighbours. One of their couches faces the windows, and the other is turned toward a TV they don't watch much. The kitchen, home to countless incidents (at this point, they’re on first name basis with the firefighters), is opened on the living room, making their living space one big luminous room.  
  
    Though the outside of the building itself is an ode to wealth and capitalism, they managed to make their flat their home. In many ways, it reminds Kara of Lena's place in Midvale, with its brick walls and wooden floor. Shelves are crumbling under books, and there isn't a week that passes without a new photograph or trinket making its way to the flat. There are selfies in mismatched frames, misshapen origamis, a couple of things Kara retrieved from her pod at the DEO, including a broken sunstone that she carried around the flat for a couple of weeks before finding it a home in her office. The sunstone regularly disappears to Lena’s lab, but she doesn’t mind. Above their bed, is a painting she made of Midvale, and she set up an easel in her office.  
  
    During a memorable trip to Eliza’s, she brought back the armchair that used to be in her room, she grew attached to it, and it isn’t rare for her to find Lena half asleep in it when she comes home late from her weekly Krypton lessons with Sam. In turn, Lena often finds Kara napping in her office, in that one spot of sunlight that is just perfect. She offered for them to switch the rooms, so that Kara could occupy this office ; but truth be told, Kara just likes being in Lena's space. It's comforting to just be around Lena in the almost silence of her tinkering in her home lab. They both still have trouble sleeping, night time terrors, nightmares. More days than not, Kara wakes up alone in the early hours of the morning, sweaty and gross, only to track Lena down to her office, pumped with coffee and already working on a problem or another. Other mornings however, they manage to sleep through their alarms, courtesy probably, of these early mornings, ending up late for work, expertly moving around one another in the bathroom, one getting dressed while the other makes breakfast, Kara taking Krypto with her in a flurry of movement so her need to be on time doesn't deprive him of his walk.  
  
    Right now however, everything is miraculously peaceful. Kara waits a moment until Alex texts her to let her know she's home, then checks three time that the door and windows are locked. At this height, and in such a secure building, the risks are low, but some habits are hard to shake.  
  
    It's past midnight when she finally joins Lena in bed, but her girlfriend is still up, propped up against her pillow, sleepily reading a book that Kara is sure she has already read at least twice. She leans against the door-frame for a minute, taking in the endearing sight of her girlfriend, blinking every few seconds, with her big glasses slipping down her nose, reading a british classic she knows by heart because she didn't want to go to sleep without her.  
  
    "Hi," Lena says when she catches her staring.  
  
    "Hi," Kara replies, making her way to the bed, without, this time, tripping on her slippers which are always in the way.  
  
    "You took your time joining me," Lena smirks, putting her book down on the bedside table.  
  
    Kara hums as she slips under the covers. "I was just cleaning, checking a few things..."  
  
    "...waiting for Alex to text you."  
  
    "Waiting for Alex to text me," Kara confirms, rolling her eyes at her own habits. "She's home safe and she dropped Sam on her way. Said Ruby was asleep on the couch surrounded by candy wrappers so I guess this baby-sitter is also getting fired."  
  
    Lena chuckles lightly. "We should just have the kid at game night with us if she's just going to stay up anyway."  
  
    "You know Sam is trying to leave her at home alone more," Kara replies, rolling on her side and lifting an arm to coax Lena closer.  
  
    "She seems to be doing better," Lena replies, shuffling closer until she's tucked against Kara, her head resting in the crook of her neck.  
  
    "Or at least she's doing better at not looking like she's tuned into her daughter's heartbeat all the time."  
  
    "Yeah it's probably that," Lena says, the end of her sentence swallowed by a yawn.  
  
    "You didn't have to wait up for me," Kara says, out of habit and though she already knows Lena's trademark answer. "You had a long day and you'll have a longer one tomorrow."  
  
    "I'll always wait up for you," Lena replies softly, her tired smile stretching against Kara's neck. "You still have your appointment with doctor Hoshi tomorrow, right ?"  
  
    "Yeah. But I moved it to the morning so I'll be there for your press conference, don't worry."  
  
    "I'm not worrying," Lena says in a voice that wants to be petulant but is mostly cute.  
  
    "No offense babe," Kara chuckles, "but you worry all the time."  
  
    "I know," Lena sighs, "but what if something does go wrong ?"  
  
    "You'll have the NCPD surrounding the place, Sam will be with you, and Alex gathered a small team in case of alien threat. You'll be safe."  
  
    "It's not just the press conference. It's everything else. I've been working so hard and, and this is the final step. In the end if this doesn't go right, none of what I've done will matter. What if people don't care that I can cure cancer, or reverse global warming ?" She swallows, her voice catching in her throat.  "What if all they see is that I'm a Luthor ?"  
  
    So here it is, the thing that has been nagging at Lena for the past few weeks. No matter what she does, how brave she is, in the end, it always come back to the Luthor thing. Everytime Lena brings herself down to just that, Kara's heart break into a million of pieces ; because no matter what she does, no matter what she tells her, Lena will always fear that she’s not worth more than where she comes from. The only thing Kara can do is hold her tighter, and try once again.  
  
    "The way people react to who they think you are doesn't invalidate all the hard work you’ve put into this," she says, gently, but firmly enough to get her point across. "You are brilliant and amazing, and people will see that. Some might not like it. Some might see you as just another Luthor. But this isn't what matters, what matters is that you're kind, compassionate, and quite literally, a genius. You put all you have in your work, I know that because I see it everyday. I know you, the real you, so trust me when I say that you're not your brother, and you're not your mother."  
  
    "Rationally, I know that. But I, I tend to forget about it."  
  
    "Well I'll be there tomorrow to remind you of it, okay ? Front row, right in front of your podium, look for me."  
  
    "Okay," Lena sighs. "Thank you Kara."  
  
    "Now try to sleep. Tomorrow will be here soon enough, might as well greet it with a rested mind."  
  
    "Try to sleep too," Lena mumbles, adjusting her position against Kara. "I know you don't sleep well before therapy."  
  
    "I'll do my best," Kara replies, wrapping herself around Lena once she's sure the other girl has definitely settled for the night. "See ? I've already closed my eyes."  
  
    "I can't see you Kara, it's dark," Lena deadpans.  
  
    "Well I promise you my eyes are closed and I'll try to sleep," Kara says before laying a soft kiss on the crown of her head.  
  
    When they're huddled close like that, Kara can feel Lena's pulse against her own, and it substitutes to the heartbeat she can no longer hear. It's to this comforting sensation that she falls asleep.  
  
***  
  
    Kara's never liked lying, and so when she leaves early this morning, stating her appointment with doctor Hoshi, she doesn't feel great. Technically, it's not even a lie, more of a half-truth, she does have an appointment with doctor Hoshi later in the morning. But she has something to do first, something that she doesn't want to talk about with Lena, even though a part of her knows with certainty that she would be accepting and caring, and virtually perfect about this situation. She doesn't want to talk about it because the other part of her, the part that's scared and keeps her awake at night, fears that all of this would only lead to disappointment.  
  
    She drives her brand new electric motorbike, a prototype she designed with Lena’s R&D department, straight into the desert, stopping only when she reaches a low building, accessible after bypassing three checkpoints. The place is now abandoned, but it still is heavily secured and Kara can only go there because Alex entrusted her with an all-access card ; which makes her one of only two people with such a pass.  
  
    She doesn't go into the building per se ; it's cold, and smells like fear, and nobody cleaned it since it was used to enprison aliens. She stepped inside once, and had to ask Alex to pick her up when she started hearing screams that weren't there. It took her days to see anything other than the arrows sorting the prisoners between male, female, and children when she was closing her eyes.  
  
    She conceals the bike out of habit, and finishes on foot, climbing the outside stairs to the roof until she reaches the highest spot, tucked behind a vent that hides her from view. She's slightly out of breath by the time she settles down cross legged, but she welcomes the sun and the smoldering heat of the desert like an old friend. She closes her eyes, breathing in and out, deeply, like she practiced with doctor Hoshi, and when she feels ready, she unclasps the bracelet from her wrist.  
  
    The heat immediately drops down to something less suffocating and she takes note of the shifts of the air, the sound of grains of sand rubbing against each other, the flourishing activity of an anthill thirty feet away. Then she opens her eyes, letting her vision extend, sifting from hill to hill until she finds the family of bobcats she's been observing. The younglings are growing and she's happy to see that the smallest is healthily gaining weight. She tunes into them, listening to them growl playfully, getting lost in their simple happiness ; until enough time has passed that she feels confident to move on to the next step.  
  
    Out of her pocket, she retrieves crumpled receipts from Noonans, and proceeds to smooth them out. Once she's satisfied, she cuts one in half down to a square ; and rips it sideway. She tries not to feel angry about the setback, tries not to lash out on the flimsy piece of paper ; it's something that she's been working on with doctor Hoshi, and she's becoming better at it.  
  
    She tries again, with another receipt, cutting it in half, and successfully folding it into a small paper crane. Cranes are her favourite, but she's diversifying ; doctor Hoshi thinks it's good that she has a calming activity she can resort too when the world becomes to much. She folds and folds until she's surrounded by various paper animals, saving the last receipt for a dragon. Dragons are Lena's favourite, and she's going to need courage today.  
  
    Once she's done with her paper companions, she pockets some of them, and jumps off the roof, satisfied when she doesn't leave so much as a small indent on the ground. From there, she goes for a walk, choosing to follow her usual circuit because today doesn't feel like a day to try new things. As she does so, she talks to Rao, something that she's been doing more and more. It helps, and she always feel better when she dedicates some time to her faith. She rounds it up with her usual prayer, asking for strength and safety, before she launches into a full speed run around the building looping around it in increasingly complex patterns.  
  
    She doesn't have a hair out of place when she stops in front of one of the training dummies she borrowed from the DEO, and punches it with enough strength to send it flying backward, but not enough to dent its head. She broke countless of these in her first days but now, she's regained enough control to be able to practice punches and kicks without damaging it too badly. She's not there yet, and after a too vigorous punch, fake blood starts dripping from its head ; but nonetheless, she feels like she's starting to be less dangerous, more in control, closer to not being a monster.  
  
    That's her goal ultimately, to not be dangerous, to maybe have the means to be a hero again, to take back the Supergirl mantle and protect her people. Sometimes, after a particularly good session, she feels like she's ready, but something happens, something always happen to drag her back. Logically, she knows she’s better, she knows she's good. But good isn't enough ; when it comes to protecting people, there's no space for mistakes, and she has to be perfect.  
  
    Looking at the bloody dummy fills her body with anger and disappointment ; today would have been a good day to be perfect. But instead of letting it swallow her, she clasps her bracelet back on and starts the drive back to the city ; she doesn’t want to be late for therapy.  
  
***  
  
    The plaza is crowded. Filled to the brim with reporters, science nerds and generally curious people. Amongst them are DEO agents in plain clothes, but Kara steers clear of them, she's not in the mood for false amenities. Just like she promised Lena, she takes a spot front and center, knowing that her girlfriend will seek her out the moment she steps on stage. Alex is quick to find her, settling by her side, alert, with her arms crossed on her chest. She's too rigid to truly be inconspicuous but Kara doesn't say anything about it.  
  
    She’s getting antsy, waiting for Lena to make her entrance, and for a short moment, she gets the crazy idea to take off her bracelet so she can listen to her heartbeat. Just as she reaches for it, Lena appears. She's wearing a suit, which Kara already knew because she spent the past two week wondering if she should wear one or go for a more classic dress. However, it's one thing to know it, and another to actually witness her girlfriend crossing the stage in a blue suit with a matching tie and a crisp white shirt, radiating power and confidence. She settles behind the podium, bringing her hands to rest on it, her pointer fingers tapping against one another being the only sign of her nervousness.  
  
    "Good afternoon," she says in the microphone, her eyes locking onto Kara’s. "I want to thank you all for coming. Some of you might recognise me, truthfully, I hope you don't. These days, I go by Lena Kieran Luthor, and with KL-Corp, I hope to usher in a new age of cooperation and community to chart a brighter future for everyone."  
  
    Without meaning too, Kara mouths the words along with Lena ; after practicing it with her for weeks, she too knows the speech by heart.  
  
    "Today, as well as unveiling our new logo, I'd like to introduce KL-Corp's first ever commercialised product. So without further ado, let me..."  
  
    Kara misses it ; of course she does, her senses are down to 3% of their usual capacity. The first bullet flies two inches past Lena's shoulder ; the second grazes her arm, leaving an angry trail in its wake. The third doesn't have time to find its mark because with no time to second guess herself, Kara has already unclasped her bracelet and is on stage, shielding Lena with her body. She nearly collides with Sam who had the same idea and ushers them backstage quicker than human eyes can follow.  
  
    "Go !" Sam shouts. "Go ! I've got this !"  
  
    Kara doesn't really have time to wonder what that means because Sam is already stripping of her clothes with as little dexterity as Kara on her first days.  
  
    "Did you choose a name ?" Kara calls after her a split second before Sam leaps on stage.  
  
    "I am Reign."  
  
    More shots ring behind them and Kara springs into action, taking off in the opposite direction. With blood oozing down her arm, Lena looks so fragile, a far cry from the powerful woman who stepped on stage only minutes ago. Kara wishes she’s had more time to be better, but there's no time for perfection, and after all, Lena never asked her to be perfect.  
  
    Despite the circumstances, flying again is exhilarating. Flying with Lena, is even better. Kara doesn't hear anyone following them, but with her human cargo she can't fly at top speed and so she loops around the city, twice, passing by one building, flying above another, until she's absolutely certain that they're untraceable and she tumbles in their flat, busting a window back first to protect Lena from the shards. So much for unbreakable glass, they'll have to get an upgrade.  
  
    Carefully, she deposits Lena on the couch, before initiating the lockdown procedure and retrieving the first aid kit from the bathroom, all before Krypto and Bernard have time to notice their presence.  
  
    "Kara," Lena groans, "Kara," she says again more distinctly, "stop moving !" she finally shouts when Kara fails to acknowledge her first two calls. "I'm fine, and you're making me dizzy."  
  
    "You were shot. There's blood."  
  
    "It's superficial," Lena says, shuffling to sit straight but stopping when Kara gently pushes her back down. "Alright, I'll sit still. But don't fret so much, we're safe. It's nothing but my quarterly assassination attempt."  
  
    "It's not funny Lena," Kara says through gritted teeth.  
  
    "I'd rather laugh about it," Lena replies with a shrug, wincing when it pulls at her wound. "Okay you're right, that hurts a little."  
  
    "Let me take care of you," Kara says after releasing a long deep sigh. "We can argue later."  
  
    Cleaning the wound is a slow process, not because the wound itself is bad, but because Kara stops everytime Lena winces.  
  
    "It doesn't look too bad," she says once it's free of blood. "I don't think you'll need stitches."  
  
    "See, I told you," Lena replies with too much sarcasm for someone who’s escaped death for the nth time this year. "I'm becoming an expert at assessing my own wounds."  
  
    "That's not really something to brag about."  
  
    "I can't really prevent people from shooting at me."  
  
    "You could have hold your conference indoors."  
  
    "Then whoever did this would have used a bazooka to get to me !" Lena shouts, her voice angrier than she wants it to be. "And I'd rather avoid casualties as much as I can."  
  
    "You're right," Kara admits softly, "I'm sorry, I just worry about you."  
  
    "I worry about you too," Lena says, forcing her tone to a gentler level. "But that doesn't mean I lash out on you. I don't give you hell when you run off to the desert to do Rao knows what."  
  
    "Wait. You know about that ?"  
  
    "Of course I know Kara. You've never been a good liar. And there's a tracker on your bike."  
  
    "There's a tracker on my bike ?" Kara repeats, slightly puzzled.  
  
    Lena smirks, arching an eyebrow. "It was your idea darling. A state of the art tracker, linkable to your phone and your loved one's. You even designed it."  
  
    "I guess I forgot about it," Kara says sheepishly. "I can tell you what I was doing in the desert, if you want. There's no point in hiding it now."  
  
    "You don't have to," Lena says,  though she’s already making room on the couch for Kara to sit beside her. "It seems like an important thing for you, so I don't want to push if you want to keep it to yourself."  
  
    "No," Kara says as she sits down. "I want to tell you about this." She sighs, then forces several deep breaths into her lungs. "I was, I was training."  
  
    "Training ?" Lena prompts when the silence holds for a beat too long.  
  
    "Training. And meditating. And trying to get better with my powers. Trying to be less scared of myself I guess. Less dangerous also. I wanted to. I've been meaning..."  
  
    "Take your time," Lena interrupts, putting a soft hand on Kara's knee. "It's okay."  
  
    "I want to get back out there. I miss it. And seeing doctor Hoshi has made me more confident."  
  
    "That's a good thing," Lena encourages. "I’m proud of you."  
  
    "But, but after what happened, I have trouble with," Kara gulps, her words stuck halfway in her throat. "I mean I still feel like a monster, from time to time. It's hard. I'm afraid to kill someone. Accidentally. Or willingly. So I decided to train. So I'd have better control of myself. So I'd be perfect. But seeing you, bleeding and vulnerable, it made me realise that I don't need to be perfect to save people, to help. I just need to be good, and work my way up from there."  
  
    "So you'd want to go out as Supergirl again ?" Lena asks for clarification.  
  
    "Yes, if that's okay with you."  
  
    "I don't have to be okay with it for you to be Supergirl. You don't need my agreement. It's your life. Your decision," Lena says firmly. "But," she adds before Kara can protest, "you can be sure that if it's something you want to do, if it's something that's important, then you have my full support. And I'm really proud of all you did, of the work you put into this. I'm amazed everyday by how strong, brave, and selfless you are, and I love you for it."  
  
    "Thank you," Kara says, releasing a breath she was only half conscious of holding. "I should have shared this with you sooner."  
  
    "You shared it in your own time," Lena replies with an earnest smile. "That's what's important. Now, if you're ready, I have a suit for you. And if you're not, or if you change your mind, I won't love you any less. You're my hero no matter what."  
  
    "I'd like to see my suit," Kara says, her face illuminated by a smile on par with one of a five years old being offered a bag of candies. "But I didn't know you were still working on it."  
  
    "It's in my office here. I have a secret shelf."  
  
    "Good," Kara says, scratching the back of her neck sheepishly, "because I don't remember how to get us out of lockdown so we can’t go to KL-Corp."  
  
***  
  
    There's a joke about supervillains on the tip of Kara's tongue, because, once again, Lena's setup is quite ominous. She would very much like to point out that there's no need for a secret cabinet accessible only by pulling a certain book off the shelf ; but the major part of her brain is occupied by the sight of herself in her new suit.  
  
    It's different from her former one ; in a good way, a really good way. Lena reused basic elements from the plain suit she was wearing for their Cadmus fight ; it's form fitting, but breathable, with pants, and long sleeves that hook around her thumb and cover her knuckles, offering extra protection for her hands. Kara makes a few swipes in front of the mirror, punching the air to test the flexibility of the material. When she's satisfied, she takes a step back, whirling with her roundhouse kick, her boot stopping an inch short of the very breakable mirror. These are the boots from her former suit, but with reinforced heels and new soles, designed to absorb impact and diminish the stress on her body. The cape is also the same, though Lena somehow managed to alter it to fasten it differently, and Kara finds comfort in the familiar weight of the kryptonian material, the fabric following her every move like flowing water.  
  
    She avoids looking at the crest until the very last minute, until she knows she's going to have to stop testing and start telling an increasingly nervous Lena what she thinks about it. There's a hint of fear when she allows her eyes to look at the proud symbol of the House of El, a moment of hesitation when she's afraid that she'll feel unworthy of it. But red on dark blue with a gold outline, her crest is staring back at her and she feels nothing but pride.  
  
    "Thank you," she says, detaching herself from her reflection to look back at Lena. "Thank you. It's amazing."  
  
    A relieved smile breaks on Lena's face and she release a long sigh that shifts everything around her. "It's laced with anti-Kryptonite technology, it should be effective against all kind of known Kryptonite, but I can always work on it if we discover a new threat. And," she says, putting her hand on Kara's chest, "there's a hidden feature here. If you press on your crest, it deploys a full body armour to support you in case of solar flare. I read a bit on kryptonian's armours in Lex's files, but if you don't like it, we can always modify it."  
  
    "No, no I love it," Kara says, pressing on her crest and marveling at the way her suit ripples on her until is turns in a thick, slightly bulky armour with a matching helmet. An undignified squeals escapes her when she realises the suit is interactive and her vitals appear before her eyes. She looks up at Lena and the suit analyse her, giving her live informations on her girlfriend status. "Rao ! This is amazing !"  
  
    "Just a bit of research and coding," Lena dismisses with a shrug.  
  
    "No no no Lena, it's more than that ! It's my very own armour. My four years old self is ecstatic. And well my adult self too, but you made a dream of mine come true !"  
  
    Lena puts her hand on the crest and presses lightly, the warmth of her body sipping into Kara's all the way through the armour as it changes back into her regular suit. "I'm happy that you like it, I just want you to be fully protected in all circumstances."  
  
    "Rao I love you so much," Kara mumbles as she sweeps her into a tight hug and buries her face in her hair, both of their feet lifting of the ground.  
  
    She puts her back down with a short laugh, only to dip in for a kiss. Their lips are half an inch away from each other, Lena's eyes already fluttering close in anticipation, her perfume the only thing Kara can smell, her wild heart, the only thing she can hear, her body, the only thing she can feel.  
  
    A loud beep resonates through the flat and the shields blocking out the windows start lifting up.  
  
    "Did you...?" Lena asks with a frustrated sigh.  
  
    "I didn't touch anything," Kara replies distractedly, her hearing picking up the sound of the elevator opening in the living room. "There's someone here.  I don't suppose I can get you to hide ?" Predictably, Lena shakes her head stubbornly. "Alright," Kara sighs, "stay behind me."  
  
    Kara opens the door to Lena's office as surreptitiously as she can, but it opens in direct line with the elevator so they won't have much time to react anyway. The lone figure in the room is hunched over Krypto and Kara feels anger coiling in her stomach. "Get away from my dog," she snarls, stepping forward quickly with no time for pretend discretion.  
  
    The figure straightens up, confusedness permeating her moves. Kara gets ready to pounce and, it's Alex.  
  
    "Wow wow wow !" she shouts hurriedly, her hands raising mid air in surrender. "Cool off the heat vision Kara, it's just me. You gave me the override code, remember ?"  
  
    "That's right," Kara says, tension leaving her body in one go.  
  
    "To what do we owe the pleasure Alex ?" Lena says, rounding up Kara to come stand in front of her.  
  
    "You look pissed," Alex says, perplexed. "Why do you look pissed ?"  
  
    Neither Lena nor herself reply, but Kara can feel heat creeping on her cheek and she wonders if there’s a way she can freeze breath herself.  
  
    "I came to tell you that we caught the guy. Guys, plural. Goons from Lillian, and everyone is safe. Cool suit by the way."  
  
    "Thanks. Lena made it."  
  
    "Does it means what I think it does ?" Alex asks carefully.  
  
    "It does," Kara replies with a smile, bringing her hands to her hips in her signature move, her muscle shifting under the suit in a way that causes Lena's heart to spike up.  
  
    "Is this why you were hanging out at the desert base so much ?"  
  
    "How do you...?"  
  
    "The pass, Kara, the pass," Alex says rolling her eyes and grabbing Bernard as he flies by her.  
  
    "So I wasn't subtle," Kara says with a pout. "Like at all ?"  
  
    "You would have been more discreet in neon yellow clothing darling," Lena chuckles. "But it's okay," she adds in a softer voice. "We love you the way you are."  
  
    Lena is looking at her with a twinkle of something in her eyes, and Kara just knows that if Alex weren't here, if she hadn't interrupted them with her untimely arrival, they would be making out like teenagers right now ; possibly even testing out ways to remove the supersuit in record time.  
  
    Alex clears her throat. "So you're really going back out there ?"  
  
    "I really am," Kara confirms for the second time.  
  
    "It's nice to see you again Supergirl," her sister says with a proud smile, reaching out for hug.  
  
    Kara doesn't hesitate and wraps her sister in her arms, squeezing reasonably, but with little fear of crushing her. She's given and been on the receiving end of many bone crushing hugs when she was wearing her Red Sun bracelet, and this is different, good, but different. The thought of her bracelet, tucked in the pocket of her chinos, gives her a sense of security, a guarantee that if she needs it, she can still wear it, and nobody will think less of her. With that in mind, she hugs her sister a little tighter.  
  
    "Will you," Alex starts after stepping back from the embrace, her smile wavering, "will you work with the DEO ? With me ?"  
  
    "I will," Kara replies with a decisive nod. "I will work with you. But I won't be a pawn. And I want all Kryptonite locked away to be used only if more of my crazy relatives show up."  
  
    "I already took care of the Kryptonite, only J'onn and I can access it. He doesn't work here anymore, but I thought it would be a good idea for us to have a failsafe. In case something happens to me, and I trust him."  
  
    "Good idea," Kara says a bit more sternly than is needed.  
  
    "You can have access to it too," Alex adds, turning to Lena, "for research purposes. And if Kara agrees of course."  
  
    "Of course I agree," Kara says, like the contrary is something so absurd that it shouldn't cross anybody's mind. "I trust her with my life."  
  
    "So it's settled then. No Kryptonite, which is a given ; and I promise that as long as I'm director of the DEO, you won't be used as a pawn. You can quit whenever you want too, I won't force you into anything you don't want to. But," she pauses for a second, her breathing stopping too, "if it's a life or death situation, promise me you'll wait for back up, don't be reckless."  
  
    "I promise. I have good reasons not to be reckless."  
  
    And though Kara has always had reasons to be careful, her sister, her friends, it's even truer now, after having came so close to death, after having longed for it. All she has to do is take a look around at her girlfriend, at her home, to be reminded of all that is good in her life, and to have a reason to come back. There's a future here, hope for herself and not just for others. Blindly, she reaches out for Lena's hand, and finds it where she expects it to be, by her side. Lena's fingers threads with hers perfectly, despite the sleeve covering them ; and it's like it was always meant to be that way, Supergirl or not, Lena fits in with her. She smiles, it's her Lena smile ; she knows that because she always feel different when she's smiling because of Lena. It's a smile of warmth and happiness, of joy and safety. Alex eyes them with a knowing smile, just on the edge of a teasing smirk, and Kara already has a retort ready for her sister inevitable jab, when a loud siren passes right in front of the building.  
  
    "I believe that's your call, Supergirl," Lena says, nudging her with her shoulder.  
  
    Kara tilts her head, following the sound. "There's a child in the ambulance, broken bone. And a pile up on the bridge." She hums lightly, her body already thrumming with energy. "Think it's a life or death situation," she teasingly adds for Alex, "or can I go ?"  
  
    "Don't be an ass Supergirl," Alex grumbles. "Go," she adds, rolling her eyes and nodding towards the broken window.  
  
    "Be safe," Lena mumbles, squeezing her hand one last time before letting go.  
  
    And with a soft kiss on her girlfriend's cheek, Supergirl is on her way.  
  
   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll try to post the epilogue soon, maybe tomorrow, maybe right after I post that if I'm not dead tired and I'll also post bonus content in the next couple of weeks (I just need some time to smooth it out and considering that I just came back from holiday and am going back to work on Monday, life is going to be hectic until I settle back into my routine.)


	33. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that ! I promised to post the epilogue today and I did ! Thank you again for reading this until the end, you are all a part of this story and gave me the motivation I needed to actually finish something for once. Not even eight months ago, I never thought this was something I could do, being a writer was a long lost childhood dream, now it's a reality. This story is the reason I got out of bed for most of 2019, this story is a reason I believe I can write another one (be on the lookout for that if you enjoyed this one).  
>  _Ehrosh bem bysh, nahkluv. ___

    "Krypto !" Lena's voice rings out loud, clear, infuriated. "Krypto come back here you wanker !"  
  
    Fours paws splash in water followed by two feet shuffling in the sand with some difficulty.  
  
    "Come to the beach with me Lena," she grumbles, "it'll be fun she said. Kara ! Stop laughing I can hear you !"  
  
    At that, Kara's laughter doubles. But to be fair, the sight is quite comical ; Lena, with her jeans rolled up, is running after Krypto who decided to take a bath in seaweed.  
  
    "Let him have his fun babe," Kara says between two fits of laughter. "Come enjoy the day with me."  
  
    "Fine," Lena mumbles, stomping back towards where Kara is sitting in the sand. "But you'll be the one cleaning him. And if Eliza complains about mud in the bathtub again, you'll deal with it too."  
  
    "I promise," Kara says with a smile, patting the ground beside her. "Now sit, it's not often we can enjoy a quiet day and it'll be over as soon as Alex, Sam and Ruby get here."  
  
    Begrudgingly, Lena lets herself fall to the ground next to Kara, resting her head on her shoulder with a little sigh. "I'm sorry," she says eventually. "I'm just a little bit stressed."  
  
    "Which is exactly why we're here and not glued to the TV, waiting to know what some half-assed reporter thinks about your game changing technology."  
  
    "That's not even what I'm most stressed about," Lena mutters, blowing an angry puff of air.  
  
    "Then what...?" Kara starts, before understanding dawns upon her. "Oh. You know you don't have to do it, right ?"  
  
    "Of course I have to !" Lena says, raising her head before dropping it on Kara's shoulder again. If she were standing, she'd probably accompany her statement with a petulant stomp. "It's bestfriends 101. Threaten your friend's significant other. I would just rather not have to give the shovel talk to someone who could have me thrown in some black site never to be seen again."  
  
    "Alex would never do that," Kara argues, putting her arm around her girlfriend comfortingly. "She cares about you. And if she really were to do such a thing, I'd find you, I'd never let you rot away."  
  
    "You're right," Lena sighs, closing her eyes and burying herself further against Kara's solid form. "It's silly."  
  
    "If it's something that bothers you, it's not silly."  
  
    "It's just, we're kind of a family."  
  
    "Not 'kind of'. We are a family."  
  
    "Well I haven't had one of those in a long long time," Lena admits, "and everytime something changes in our dynamic, I can't help but think about how fucked up things were barely a year ago. It used to only be Sam, Ruby and I ; and now I have you, and Alex, and Eliza, and our friends in National City. I guess I'm just afraid of losing all of that if something goes sideway."  
  
    "I can't promise anything when it comes to other people," Kara says, stopping to kiss the side of Lena's head, "but I can promise that when it comes to you and I, even if things go sideway, and I don't believe they will, I'll always wake up in the morning willing to make it work. I don't know about Alex and Sam, I don't know if Brainy and Nia will ever get married and have weird alien babies, but I'm sure about us, and I'll do everything I can for you not to lose our family."  
  
    "Thank you darling."  
  
    "You can count on me, always. I love you."  
  
    "I love you too," Lena replies, her voice tinted by her smile. She moves to lay a kiss on Kara's shoulder before dropping back to her previous position.  
  
    "Now," Kara says, "how about pancakes at Dolly's, before the Arias-Danvers unit storm this town."  
  
    "I still can't believe she decided to stay here, she hates with place so much."  
  
    "I guess it grew on her," Kara says with a shrug, helping Lena up and catching her when she stumbles forward. "Krypto ! Come here boy !"  
  
    "Once upon a time," Lena grumbles, "this dog was mine and he listened to me."  
  
    "Well now he's our dog and he sometimes listen to me," Kara replies with a teasing laugh.  
  
    "You're a bad influence," Lena mutters, her feet pushing against the sand in mock annoyance.  
  
    Kara hums happily, taking her hand and dragging her towards the town. "And you love it."  
  
    The crater in Main Street has been mostly patched up, definitely burying Lena's lab out of view, but the town center is still under reconstruction, the only two completed buildings being _Supergirl's library_ and _The Lion's Den_. The two edifices are adorned with plates stating the names of their respective benefactor ; Supergirl, and Lena Kieran Luthor. The rest of the street is littered with half finished construction, interrupted by the heat of the summer.  
  
    "I should have made a bigger check," Lena says, when they take their usual spot by the window. "This place is in ruin."  
  
    "What you did is more than enough."  
  
    "Hey Speedy, Lena," Dolly greets them, coming from behind the counter. "Long time no see. I'll have your usual ready in a minute."  
  
    "Thanks Dolly," Lena says to the waitress before turning to Kara again. "Speedy ?" she asks with a teasing arched eyebrow.  
  
    "This doesn't get out of here," Kara grumbles.  
  
    "Of course not darling," Lena says with a sly smirk, all the while maintaining a teasing eye contact.  
  
    "It's because I'm fast," Kara relents.  
  
    Lena laughs, throwing her head back in delight. "I figured as much by myself."  
  
    The sun catches on the side of her face, playing with her cheekbones, giving depth to her dark hair. In the light, her eyes are almost translucent, and Kara gets so caught up in them that for a minute, she forgets to convince her girlfriend not to spread her childhood nickname. She doesn't even notice when Dolly brings her a stack of pancakes with a donut for Lena. However, her fork isn't even halfway to her mouth when the tell tale sound of out of control tires screeching reaches her ears. She sighs, her heart already longing for her uneaten food.  
  
    "They should revoke everybody's driving license in this hell hole," Dolly says affectionately.  
  
    "Speedy," Lena says with a grin, "it's your time to shine."  
  
    "You..." Kara mutters with a pointed glare that does nothing but widen her girlfriend's smile.  
  
    "Alright," Lena chuckles, "go get'em Supergirl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _El Mayarah ___


	34. Bonus content !

In japanese, korean and chinese culture, the crane is a mystical creature and is believed to live for a thousand years. It represents good fortune and longevity. Paper, however is a very fragile material…

Deleted scenes

ALEX : "She really named a company KLCorp ? That’s gay."

KARA : "How does naming her company Kieran Luthor Corporation equals to doing something gay?"

ALEX : "Kieran Luthor ? I thought it stood for Kara & Lena."

***

ALEX : "Are you going to tell her ?"

KARA : "Tell her what Alex ?"

A : "That she basically proposed via USPS ?"

K : "She did no such thing Alex."

A : "She sent you a bracelet via Unstoppable Sam Parcel Service."

K : "Alex !"

A : "That’s super gay."

(Thank you Mlod for this one, I died when I read that comment)

***

In my first draft, I had a scene in which Cat comes to Midvale to try to convince Kara to come back.

"The truth is, I prevented you from going up the ranks not because you’re untalented but for entirely selfish reasons. You’re the best assistant I’ve had in years and I wouldn’t have been able to keep it together without you. Here, I said it. Now come back with me, the car is waiting outside and I’ve left the engine on. You don’t want to be responsible for the death of polar bears do you Kara ?"

"I can’t go back to National City Miss Grant."

"And why is that ? As far as I can see, you’re not chained to this desk so unless the weight of your awful clothes is preventing you from dragging yourself back to my office on your knees, I don’t see why you’re not already moving."

"I’m Supergirl. Was."

"Oh thanks God. I thought that was a figment of my imagination."

***

Additional info

Here are a couple of things from my personal notes.

Kara :  
When she feels anxious, she wears her sweatpants to bed in order to be somewhat already dressed if something happens.  
Her colour scheme is : cobalt blue, crimson red and cider (a sort of brown).  
She drinks her coffee with lots of milk and sugar ; really, she prefers hot chocolate.

Lena :  
She hates Saturdays.  
Her colour scheme is : black, plum, pine green and pewter grey.  
She drinks her tea with no sugar, always english breakfast.

Alex :  
She wears her DEO uniform when she’s feeling vulnerable. Her favourite board game is Cluedo.  
Her colour scheme is : black, pewter grey, cloud grey and crimson red.  
She drinks her coffee black, no milk, no sugar.

***

Full playlist and additional thoughts

I made a [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4fJOGKaSAOV7Hky05y4U5X?si=QzbAwEGDRNa5ghqdifu2IQ) playlist if you want to follow along

• _Die for you_ \- Starset. Chapter 4 : _Galaxies collide_.  
• _Supergirl (Radio Edit)_ \- Anna Naklab. Chapter 5 : _Supergirls don’t cry_.  
• _How do you feel_ \- The Maine. Chapter 6 : _In-betweens_. Relevant lyrics : _To all the dearly depressed and broken hearted / The in-betweens and all the torn ones too / You're not alone in how you're feeling / I wonder why nobody is asking you / Are you free or are you in sorrow ?_  
• _Waiting for my sun to shine_ \- The Maine. Chapter 7 : _Waiting for the sun to shine_. If you embrace the silence on this one, there’s a surprise at the end. Relevant lyrics : _Is this a waste of all my precious time / And could this chance that I take lead me to losing my mind // What does it take to be a liar / And all the chances we take / What we're measured by / As I sat on my couch / I wondered why / It's such a beautiful day / I’m still sitting inside-side-side // Strength will find you sooner / Than you ever thought it would._  
• _Feel_ \- Selah Sue. Chapter 9 : _Be happy that you do feel something_. Relevant lyrics : _But if you're gonna be sad you'll see, yeah / Be happy that you do feel something / And if you're gonna be mad at me, yeah / I’m happy that you do feel something._  
• _No Regrets_ \- Billie Holiday. This song plays on the radio when Kara and Alex drive back from National City. All the lyrics of this song are relevant ^^  
• _The Future Is Now_ \- Starset. Chapter 10 : _A life to rewrite_.  
• _Back To Go Again_ \- Framing Hanley. Chapter 11 : _Back to go again_. Relevant lyrics : _Well we swore by now we'd have them wowed / But we're still stuck in this race // Do you remember when / We said it would never end / We won't go back down / This time around // Time is like a bullet train headed off the tracks / Its never coming back / So lets grab this while we can / Its all in our hands_.  
• _Gravity of You_ \- Starset. Chapter 12 : _The event horizon_. Relevant lyrics : _Riding the horizon / Falling into you / Feel the vessel tighten / I feel you pull me through /A new world is breaking / Your heart is unveiling / Breaking into pieces / In the gravity of you_.  
• _It’s Not What They Said_ \- Framing Hanley. Chapter 13 : _Things could stand to be clearer_. Relevant lyrics : _Like a foggy mirror, / Where receptions blurred / And things could stand to be clearer. / Sometimes it's hard to look you in the eye._  
• _Broken Parts_ \- The Maine. Chapter 14 : _It isn’t getting easier_ & Chapter 16 : _Not beyond repair_. Relevant lyrics : _Well, it isn't getting easier / We are shattered everywhere / No, it isn't getting easier now / But we're not beyond repair // We fall apart / Rebuild, restart // Fractions and halves of / Some greater thing / Falling to pieces / But we're all the same broken parts._  
• _Dancing With Our Hands Tied_ \- Taylor Swift. Chapter 15 : _The world could divide us_.  
• _Alone Together_ \- Chet Baker. This song was more or less mentioned in Chapter 17 : _The greatest gift_. It plays at the end of the day when Kara and Lena are eating dinner. This is one of my father favourite jazz piece but we tend to disagree on its meaning. He thinks that it represent the pain of a relationship falling apart, when you’re with your partner but you still feel lonely. I think it represents finding that perfect someone, being able to be yourself around someone else. To me Alone Together is reading a book in silence next to your significant other, going about your day, with someone without necessarily having to fill the silence.  
• _The Silent Kind_ \- East Of Eli. Chapter 18 : _Steal the voice from the ghost inside_. Relevant lyrics : _In a world half asleep /My mind feels like wandering about / With the silent kind / What can lay this body to rest ? / Rest assured I must confess /I like the silent life / I like the air tonight // Do anything to pass the time / To steal the voice of the ghost inside /What I hide / The heart refines /Yeah I hide on the darker side._  
• _Kryptonite_ \- 3 Doors Down. Chapter 19 : _Superhuman might_. This entire song is relevant ^^  
• _Kennedy Curse_ \- The Maine. Chapter 20 : _Visions of the way it will end_ & Chapter 30 : _On the fence about what feels worse_. Relevant lyrics : _I feel nothing at all / So won't someone just come and take my heart / And tear it apart._  
• _Telescope_ \- Starset. Chapter 21 : _Awakening in the light of all the stars aligned._ Relevant lyrics : _I will travel the distance in your eyes /Interstellar light years from you / Supernova; we'll fuse when we collide / Awaking in the light of all the stars aligned._  
• _The World is Ugly_ \- My Chemical Romance. Chapter 22 : _The world is ugly_. Relevant lyrics : _You’re beautiful to me_.  
• _Kiss of Fire_ \- Georgia Gibbs. Chapter 23 : _Let the devil take tomorrow._ Relevant lyrics : _Love me tonight and let the devil take tomorrow_  
• _Crash & Burn_ \- Framing Hanley. Chapter 24 : _A bridge in a hurricane_. Relevant lyrics : _On a bridge in a hurricane. I need a quick solution // I know that this won't last / I can't erase my past but I can rewrite the end / Live and learn, I wanna take control._  
• _Theme from Supergirl_ \- Blake Neely. Chapter 25 : _It’s a bird, it’s a plane_.  
• _Hospital For Souls_ \- Bring Me The Horizon. Chapter 26 : _Witch hunt for an exit._ It also works well for chapter 27 : _Bremsstrahlung_. Relevant lyrics : _And then I found out how hard it is to really change / Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in / I just wanted the numb inside me to leave / No matter how fucked you get / The sun will return and you come back down! / The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had / There's glimpses of heaven in every day // The days are a death wish A witch hunt for an exit / I am powerless /The fragile, the broken / Sit in circles and stay unspoken /We are powerless // Everybody wants to go to heaven / But nobody wants to die / I can fear death no longer / I’ve died a thousand times_.  
• _Superheroes - The Script. Chapter 28 : _How a superhero learns to fly._ Relevant lyrics : _When you've been fighting for it all your life / You've been struggling to make things right / That's how a superhero learns to fly.__  
• _Science_ \- Framing Hanley. Chapter 29 : _Aftermath_. Relevant lyrics : _We have a choice and when our backs are against the fence / This is the aftermath, what happens after that ? / When all the paths are taken back to where it all begins / This is the aftermath, what happens after that ? // There's a devil in my head and / This trouble he's got me into /I hope I've never disappointed you_.  
• _You_ \- Framing Hanley. Chapter 30 : _Palaces of words_. Relevant lyrics : _No palace of words will make this better / If there's deceit in every letter_.  
• _Flowers on the Grave_ \- The Maine. Chapter 31 : _Everything is temporary (even the sorrow that you carry)_. Relevant lyrics : _Feel the moment all around you / And the quiet that surrounds you / The time you have is sacred /Don't wait around and waste it / They can't take that away from you / Everything is temporary / Even the sorrow that you carry / So tell me are you okay ? / You say you are okay / I’m okay now I'm with you / ‘Cause you don't plan life, you live it / You don't take love, you give it / You can't change what is written / So when fate cries, you listen._

__

__

__

***

And finally, in case you missed it on [Tumblr](https://clarazorel.tumblr.com/post/187230276448/things-from-paper-cranes-exclusive-look-at-my) I posted a couple of drawings and plans.

***

If you follow me on Twitter, you may also remember that I ran a little poll to know if you’d rather have a teaser of the prologue of part of the 1st chapter of my next story. You decided you’d rather read the prologue but I decided to post part of the 1st chapter and that’s because the prologue is now already online ! (I posted it like 5sec ago so ^^) Here’s the link to the new story : <https://archiveofourown.org/works/20460731/chapters/48547670>

And here’s part of the 1st chapter if you’re interested :

(…)  
She's barely outside and already dialling Jess' number, to hell if it's a Sunday, she needs to buy this building and she needs to do it now. She has no idea how this place tumbled to ruin in the short span since her last visit, but it cannot go on like that. The infuriating sun makes it hard to see her screen and Lena is just about ready to plummet into frustration, on the edge of which she's been since she got up this morning, when a shadow covers her, bringing the world back to acceptable brightness.

Lena lifts her head taking in the form in front of her. The person is tall and their features are hidden in their own shadow. For a short, yet infinite second, they gauge each other, before the figure moves to the right, then to the left, trying to get around Lena but getting stuck when she does the same. The figure chuckles, and their laugh sounds like a cool breeze on a summer day, and though Lena doesn't quite understand why, she wants to hear this sound again.

"I'm sorry," the voice attached to the laugh says, "you're trying to get out, I'm trying to get in, I'll just move and let you go through."

"I," Lena starts, her own voice sounding like sandpaper.

"Are you alright ?" the voice asks, deep with concern. "You look a bit distraught."

Lena prepares herself to answer, she's got a whole speech planned out for introducing herself to her new neighbours, but she makes the mistake of lifting her eyes and words and common sense escape her entirely. The voice belongs to a woman. A tall, broad shouldered woman with short unruly blond hair and twin deep pools in place of eyes. Her face is alive with emotions, halfway between worry and happiness, a small welcoming smile tugging at her lips and a twinkle of something in her gaze.

(...)


End file.
